My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

You CAN'T change this dysfunctional family dynamic

In your shoes, I think I'd stop helping. Why would you help someone who is nasty to you.?

If your mom was diagnosed with dementia, that would be a different story, but it sounds like this is just long term dysfunction. Step back, don't help so much.

I'm sorry if this sounds mean. You can change this dysfunctional family dynamic, you can only set up boundaries to keep yourself sane.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed, as I live in the apartment next to my folks and my sister does show up once a day to visit and say hello for about 10 minutes and then leaves. She may take them to shop once or twice a month, if needed, as my mother likes to take her day trips and walk around. Both my mother and sister have issues with me. I ran away from home to marry a boy at 18. It didn't work out, so I came back home 5 years later, and then eventually got my own place next to theirs. By strange luck....I took ill and was not working for these recent two years, luckily I have improved my health in these past year, and while working on my self care, my father was diagnosed with Alzheimers. I do their yard work, and snow in the winter. And I do check in on them a few times every day, not just once. I fetch coffee for them or I grab small things that they may need at the store when asked or when I offer and they do want the items. I tried to get services in the house that are paid for by the social services we have here, but each time my mother would toy with them and send them away...recently she got angry enough to finally tell me, she does stuff like that to get back to me for leaving home (at 18????) She is not all there if you ask me....What I have issue with as well is the way my sister has a childhood disdain for me and is constantly telling people that I am lazy and not pulling my weight, yet when I offer extra help my mother acts like they don't want to impose. She then talks to my sister, and I feel like they are colluding to get rid of me completely out of their lives. My mother has never forgiven me for leaving home when I needed to get away from her and her abusive relationship with my father. She is herself conniving and abusive now in her late 70s...and will yell at me if I offer to clean her bathroom, or do extra things around the apartment. She is under the impression I want to take away her freedom and independence. (I realize she is probably demented herself, and worse wants to make sure I die before her)....She is capable of working in the home, it is my father whose health is deteriorating and his mobility is at issue. My mother is siding with my sister because they both have it out for me for being more educated, not taking on traditional roles and for telling them I rather die than have to be the caregiver at their last days of life...which, in my calculation will be in 20 years, since my family seem to live that long...I tried to get my sisters (as I have two, one lives out of town) and meet to discuss with my parents end of life care...but they refused. They rather sit and wait....and I am not sure what to do.

Hi My sister and brother are the same, yet mother helped them many, many times financially. My sister helped and was at every second for every need to a relative who was listed as a millionaire. Sure enough my sister got a huge inheritance. There was extra care given to the older relative, because there was a pot of gold in the end.

Mother broke her neck 9 years ago.As we were leaving the hostpital,the Doctor began giving out instructions of how to care for Mother.Both of my 2 older brothers stepped backwards as I went foreward to receive the instructions.Somebody had to step up to the plate and Mother would have done it for us.Im still caring for her 24-7 because I love her.They can tell God all their sorry excuses.I have a wealth of memories and no regrets.Hang in there!YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!!Take care,luckylu

all the other stories are different then mine concerning my mother who is 84,who has passing out spells ,she lives alone but her dr. told her she cant live alone but she chooses to do so she want move in my brother cause she doesn't want to leave her house, she want live with me and I live in different apt. complex just within walking distance,....but heres the problem,my sister lives next door by mom and shes lazy and selfish




my story is a little different, my sister lives next dor to mom and wont help her do nothing,,shes so lazy and selfish,look up narcicist,...that's what she is, I live in a different apt. complex within walking distance, anyways the last few yrs. my mom has had passing out spells and me and my brother,,out of nine kids are the only ones who take care of her ,eventhough my sisterlives right next door well the police are always coming over on me and my sister cause we are always into it bout mom how she doesn't take help with her me and my brother are exhausted he cant stand to be around her which remember she lives next door to mom so I cant even stand to look at her. I have bad health problems myself,really bad nerves and anxiety so im easily stressed and my sister makes me snap out some times im afraid ill go to jail for hurting her, even though shes healthy and a lot bigger shes killing me,i have the worst aniexty attacks being around her cant take much more im so stressed have so many other serious problems in my life right now, its really hard just concentrating enough to type this I also get no thanks from my other siblings who don't help they just take her side when we get in an argument which hurts so bad I will post more lateron got to stop now







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Mymomissosweet,
I hear your frustration. And your anger at them having full lives and you cannot. I get that because I got (as did my sis) very angry ay my brothers carefree at parents expense. Childfree and money worries free, look at me they love me best bs. While sis worked everyday of her life practically. As a sinhle mom to see her kids were supported and I struggled to raise newborns and teens with a husnand serving his country AND the local pd AND working extra jobs to make ends meet ,leaving me on my own for the majority of my adult life dealing with it all. He,nor my mom would have collected my mail, if I was severly ill,let alone relieve me.

He was actually quite rude to me and sis regarding every time on of our kids or teens gave us grief at saying that is why HE didnt have chilrens and gloating hid superior "status"over our life struggles.

And perhaps they are making small talk to comfort their patent. Social neglect is very bad for seniors.

But you were right to ask them to offer more.

I bought sheets a very teddy bear soft blanket and got him in a hospice bed. He died within days and they rolled him out (I guess as I wasnt allowed to be there)on a ramp I built. That comforts me. It is all I really wanted. Him home where HE wanted to be, clean, loved and cared for.

Also,if he, golden child, had given either of my parents good elder advice or not isolated them so , someone would have advised they have a Ladybird clause (Texas and a few other states) that would have protected their assets from consfication or sale and allowed them better care through a relatively competent hospice NON profit organazation And or medicade.

He still would have inherited all, upon their deaths, but he would not be able to lord over them so, and caused such misery to the entire rest of the family to boot.

I did not raise four children or be my moms "helper" with younger sis and fail to understand the "on call" aspects of parenting or caregiving. Agreed they are not entirely the same thing, but I repeat, there was so little caring or on call it was shocking,.

I went over unexpectedly once to see Dad and help, to find my mom asleep, my brother at his house, asleep and my Dad struggling to get up to urinate.

I had offered a handicapped potty, which I HAD from my own hysterectomy, just in case, I had trouble walking in the middle of the night, but that too was turned down.
My point? All kinds of help, remedies to this uncalled for were offered to solve,including my moms inability to lift Dad alone. All shunned.

From babysitting, so they could rest, to some equipment,etc. All refused except for the wheelchair I BOUGHT. Brother was ripping them off saving Any and all monies he and the two of them had, but not even ASKING hospice, who were on the case (in theory anyway) for this equipment.

Both he, my mom AND hospice were guilty of the grossest neglect.

I use a stylus to type as my fingers are too dry to register on my phone. I often do not press hard enough to hit all the letters. I meant to say wreck..but the w didnt take.

I also wanted to add. I live approx. 5-1o miles from Dad. Was involved from the beginnings of my Dads illiness. Kept as much contact as possible,but for last two years prior to Dad becoming terminally ill, was heavily involved in a lengthy stressful, and life shattering divorce after 37 years of faithful "caregiving"to a family of six.
I was, and should have been kept, in the loop. What happened is Poa moocher brother resented his lack of exclusiveness and since he lived off of them...the end of his taker gravy train. He was impossibly isolating and this was done out of HIS fear of what he thought HE might lose.

I have researched this and he IS the classic profile of a family abuser. Seeing his "Care" convinced me this was so.

It is very easy to armchair quarterback others. I get that. I found it extremely hard to show appreciation or compassion to a caregiver that cruel and unconcerned. Dad had bedsores,untreated from not being washed or turned or having comfortable bed or bedding. It was very hard to overlook suck neglect to soothe my brothers huge ego.

I was in the process of involving elder abuse authorities, as No one would change this and it was appalling. He died approx. 3-4 months after his diagnoisis. Not enough time to have poa changed.

Now brother is "caring" for mother. He as her isolated, but she refuses to see golden child for what he is. He has all her assets in his name and is selling them, with clear intentions to pocket the majority. Trust me, he is not out any money for her care either as after seeing how little he did for Dad, including others offers to help financially for the basics at least, he wont "spare a dime" for her comfort.

It would not suprise me if he has plans to move,with her and Dads money and leave her in a home Asap. They are selfish users of parents. Period, and not real sure he doesnt have a drug problem kept hidden,claiming it is medicinal for HIM.

As to others NEVER appreciating any caregiving, that is sad and true. But in brothers case such abuse, neglect, isolation, and greed will never be appreciated by me.

Castle, Your compassion for people in general shows in the thoughtful and diplomatic wording of your posts. I appreciate that. I do want to clairfy what was meant by "dumping him on the sofa.

He literally had no bed to sleep in at any time. Not provided by my mom or brother or hospice for the three months he was ill. This sofa was a very rough fabric similar to cordaroy, only not at all soft. It was a wicker sofa, so the arms and back were stiff. Not really comfortable for one night sleeping let alone a sick bed for three to four months.

They would not put sheets under him. I was astonished, as there were twin beds that could have been moved into the living room and offers to help them do so. Also puzzling,when I found that the first thing MOST hospices do is come to set up a bed, and oxygen etc. For terminal patients. Let.me repeat, no bed,no sheets, oxygen was not used,ever and he sufferd from compromised lungs, due to a bad reck that punctured his lung. He was also a lifetime smoker,suffered pluersy as a child, so oxygen certainly would have made him feel better,AND Offset the negative effects of the opioids given for pain.

Hi nothingspecial! I sense in your posts some of the family conflict issues that I feel myself, and I have a lot of frustration that so much public dialogue doesn't address anything about adult families of origin - the assumption is once adults, all sibs should be out on their own. But some live closer and are more aware of when parent needs increase, and it takes new figuring to make a plan on continuously updating what is needed, as decline increases with time. Figuring who will do what, and also include what does a caregiver need - maybe it's that we grew up on TV, where "family" meant wise parents coaching and reassuring children, we just assume family roles and ideas about our relationships.

Real world: different children have different relationships with their parents - born at different times in the shared family experience, so have different resources, different fears, challenges, different preparation to meet the adult worlds they try to enter. Yet the only discussion of roles of home and family, relates to children - somehow we are all supposed to grow up and need nothing, and feel nothing any more, move on, past family of origin.

But connections are needed, and sometimes it's the ones nearby, who maintain them more than those who went their own way. That happened in my case, and yet at times I still resent coaching and contact that others got, that I missed, but I have to remember, I did move away early...!

As siblings, we tend to expect "our share" of any family inheritance, and we don't expect that to be compromised in any way, by choices we made around making time to care for our parents - after all, we were encouraged to move away, and tend to our own lives and families, who all have needs of their own.

So it's a huge set of unaddressed areas that we find as neighborhoods are no longer full of familiar people, as elders live longer. As an in-home caregiver for elders, and raising my disabled brother - I know that when they have needs, they are immediate and if not met, crises occur. So some undefined part of the caregiver involvement is how often they drop their own life, in order to be "on call", and available to get into the major complexities that come up with changes for the fragile person.

You say your sibling "dumps your father on the sofa" - but that suggests that you have a different idea of what could or should be done, but that tends to undermine the idea that your sibling already made choices and accepted responsibility and losses in their life - it takes follow through to set up and manage ANY plan, and if you did not do that, it is a delicate matter to make a different suggestion, without respecting the efforts already made. Your implication suggests that the caregiver sib is essentially lazy, expects too much for their small efforts - yet you are not realizing what effort it takes to drop your own life to make yourself available repeatedly.

And sitting on the sofa, may be part of a balanced day - getting frail elders to do ANYthing, takes huge amounts of effort,respectful persuasion with follow through, then tying together all the loose ends that they no longer can keep up with. Some elders are medicated so they have even more trouble sorting out loose ends, and it also takes time for caregivers to keep up with the medical people's solutions and recommendations - that bring up major losses and conflicts. Hard to find any support, as so many people give you 10 min, and you as caregiver are left to put the whole package together and try to work it out.

So, it's not all about money, it's often about what time does it take, to meet the needs of relatives who are now infirm, in a fast moving world of countless choices, but no one to help you limit them, make them manageable for you.

Caregivers tend to ease in slowly, doing this task for the elder, then another, and over time, trying to keep things going, they neglect their own needs and goals. I for one, realize by now, that I have a major resentment towards my family, for never coaching me on financial planning, never taking time to help me see that I am valuable, outside of my usefulness as a caregiver who allowed them to live and plan lives, without disruption for caregiving. No one prepared a female for life planning - you were expected to marry and depend on a man.

I wish I had anyone looking out for ME, not just for the disabled brother, they might have sat me down and listened, and watched me try to grow, and told me to look at my own life plans and retirement savings needed - instead, I just jumped in to provided care that I saw was needed.

I'm glad I did that, just as you must be glad you paid attention to your children, caring is a value. But I see now, how I assumed that others would care about me, since they saw the risks for my disabled brother, and thought they appreciated that I was the one who offered to take time to try to be dependable and reliable in meeting them.

Others had good intentions, sent out a suggestion or two, but no follow through. Care for the vulnerable requires some long term plan - for risk management and care. OK to hire a company? That costs money and should come out of elders money, making later family benefits less.

Just listening, from my caregiver perspective, I'd suggest that if you have complaints or other ideas, maybe you can talk with elder care managers and social workers, and see what you think could be set up - otherwise, we are so dependent on what "the system" offers. I assume it was useful at one time for your mother and father to be separated - but managing care takes a deliberate attention, and if family members cant find a way to include that, the system does.

So will someone explain to me, why is my mom in government housing, left with his pickup, she can't drive...taking food from the angel network or gov substidies and he was too cheap to put sheets under my Dad and yet stands to profit?

My brother certainly is being compensated for his "care" of my Dad (dumping him on the couch). He has the half Dad gave him up for sale. 122,000.00.

Somehow,I doubt out Dad realized THAT would happen. No doubt he plans to leave town,asap. Him and his "new" wife that retired as soon as Dad passed. This, of couse, means he Is hoping to leave mom behind. As her half is in his name too.

Sorry if my post was a bit mis-focused, mymomissosweet - I'm glad that CarlaCB picked up on the remark you did make to your brother. How we speak to our sibs is important - time for direct boundary setting, and I think there can also be time to support them in learning in visits, even if what they understand is so outdated, because they visit so rarely. Not easy for us all, blessings intended, good wishes!

mymomissowsweet - I totally relate to what you said to your brother, at least feeling that way. That's exactly how I feel when my uninvolved siblings want to tell me about their vacations or their kids' college or want me to read their short stories. But get to the good part - how did your brother respond to that?

Hey to mymomissosweet - I hope you are able to maybe even leave when your sister visits, as a demonstration that you don't like or understand her actions, but you want her to feel comfortable visiting her mom. So hard, I know! But our feelings get in the way, and we get stuck, and it's hard for sibs to deal both with parent care that they don't know well, and ideas and feelings of sibling carers in the same setting. Arguments don't help in front of the fragile.

Last night the son of a 95 year old ladystepped in to do the care, for his mom, telling me my care is not wanted now, as he steps in this week. She got a cold which got worse last weekend. I felt confused, insulted, because I know that my first hand, steady experience, is the best source of care for that woman, especially if she gets sick, better for her than her son's care, because he pays no attention to details, knows her best as an "independent" person.

So he is NOT good at just helping her when doesn't ask explicitly, but any first hand person who observes closely, can see she wants and needs it. Frail or homebound elders know they can't talk as fast as less involved family, and so she asks him for nothing. But when I'm there, 4 hours each day when he's at work, I'm close enough to notice and offer or just start helping her - not to take over her choices, but to see that she often needs "respectful persuasion" - a phrase and process I found online today. I love the phrase, I use it all the time, with my animals, with those I help directly, used it with my brother - it takes time to persuade frail beings to add any changes at all.

So those not close think the person is independent, but is being taken over by the direct caregiver, or they have no idea how to hang in there after failure, as we learn to do, from our close and longstanding view. Moral judgments and battles set in, too often adding disruption and upsets, which solidify positions and take the place of learning how to best contribute and help each other.

I stopped complaining about my being left out of the the care setting after the son decided to do it himself - and just made a call to offer him tips - and emailed him a tip. By helping him learn, instead of blaming him, I'm affirming my care and knowledge - which will be better seen, when I don't approach with resentment - even if the resentment is for being devalued and judged wrongly.

I will never understand how you can not offer any help to your parent when you can actually see that they are sick. My mother is not only battling dementia but also weight loss. And for my sibling not joining in for us, to work together for the good of our mom, I will never understand.

My sibling did come over after mom called to inform them her sister is here. Coming over as if nothing is out of the ordinary. My sibling was trying to give me an update on his family. I just could not help myself. I said the only thing I want to hear out of your mouth is how you can help with mom. Otherwise, I do not care about hearing what you and your family are doing.

I could not begin to know your situation. Meagan 2014. From what you describe and looking at the legal standpoint looks like you have cause to remove him as the trust required this report to the other siblings. If he gets by not honoring a report what else will he not honor? Your mothers i.terests, wishes that you. And sublings be included? If you have the money I would consult With attorney and aT least make inquiry about the report through an attorney. This lets your sibling know you expect to be on top of things.

Nothingspecial, my aunt wants to see if my sibling and his family will come by to see mom. She wants to see for herself. However, she is only going be here for a few days. If they come by, she wants the reason to be for them to visit mom and not her.

My brother is POA for my mom..She had dementia at the time but wasnt as severely impaired as she is now...Mom would sign anything for him b/c my brother is threatening and she thought if she didnt he would make her life miserable which is probably true. Mom has a living trust and per trust, my brother is to give us an annual update. He refuses to do so. We hired a lawyer 3 years ago and he was able to get the info for us for that year. Now, here we are 3 years later and no luck. Per trust, my brother could be removed as trustee if he doesnt give us an annual update. The report and remove him as trustee for not doing his job. Thoughts?

Does she give a reason? Maybe She wants some time with her sister alone.

My aunt has came to visit my mother (this is her twin sister) and also to help me. Last year I also took care of her and had home health set up for her. She did not want my sibling and his family to know she was here; she did not want them to come over because she is in town. I told her she should call them and let them know she is here. Because they deserve to see her too. Does anyone think I am wrong to encourage her to call?

She doesnt even realize the jealousies he had became her own. Karma? Mr. Know it all gets to do it all, He wouldnt have it any other way...except sis and I take on all the.burdens and he takes all the folks had. We might vote to spend their assest on them he wants them for himself only.
The main thing is the financial liabilities really. When a parent names only one power of attorney and only one executor and one to inherit...and it is the same one in all instances what do they think is going to happen? Parents need to realize THEY are setting up these problems.

My sister and I were never important to our mother. At the least we never rated the "perks"out brother got,which was anything he asked for. We were both supposed to pay for what he got for nothing.

He bad mouthed us constantly..she decided to join in and believed him. Let her off the hook ever helping us.

Even with that dynamic.I would try and be helpful,but brother would not allow it.

This really is sad. I'm so sorry for your situation, mymomissosweet. My situation is more like condolence's. My mother isn't overtly nasty but she's self-centered and unconcerned about anyone else, and none of her kids want to be bothered with her either. Castle, I appreciate your comments about how difficult it is to convey to uninvolved siblings what is required on a day to day basis. I myself was accused of "creating drama" when trying to enlist one of my siblings in finding solutions for our mother, and it just infuriated me. Yet I was genuinely panicked because I could see my Mom becoming more and more needy, dependent and demanding, and I could see it all falling on ME! It's hard to relate to that panic from many miles away, or even a few blocks away if you turn a deaf ear and refuse to get involved.

This sibling now lives about two blocks from Mom (we moved Mom to the community where both my older sisters live) but doesn't even call, stop in, or check how things are going. When I get there on weekends (driving from 90 miles away) neither of my sisters has even bothered to bring in Mom's mail. Or run the dishwasher, wipe the counters, take away the recycling, or any of the other household tasks that Mom can no longer do for herself. It's all left for me.

I told my mother today that she needs to get my sisters to take more responsibility because I don't want to be locked into making that trip every week. It really ties up my schedule too much, and it seems absurd to me that between the two of them, they can't take care of the bare necessities. So we'll see what happens.