My husband and I just decided last night that my grandma can no longer live with us. She is not fit to live with family. She has become extremely defiant- intentionally smearing her food on the walls to make me mad, threatening to tell people that we mistreat her, telling my kids they are going to be sorry, telling my uncle (her mentally retarded son) that he is going to die, saying that she's glad my mom (her daughter) died, sticking her filthy fingers in cookies my kids just baked to piss everyone off, and the list goes on. I cared for her in the best way I could and I did what I felt would have made my mom happy. Now I feel confident that my mother wouldn't want me and my family to endure this. Grandma is one twisted, self-absorbed, heartless woman. I'm done. My kids are so happy that she's leaving. We are all so happy and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I removed my uncles meds from her room because I wouldn't put it past her to overdose her son. I told my kids last night to lock their door when they went to sleep because I can't predict what Grandma is capable of. I can't wait to see this horrible woman leave my house!
What are the logistics of this change? Where will Grandma go? Do you have help with this transition, from a social worker for example?
I just want everyone here to know that YOU are worth caring for. Don't let the people you are caring for take your vitality and happiness away. Don't endure abuse just because it's family. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.
Whatever you do, do not buy into any crap she hands out, trying to fix the blame on your or anyone else in your family (also, make sure you keep one hell of an eye on your kids). If you think she could poison uncle I think she could easily murder someone else as well. Watch your back.
Technically if it could be sprung as a sort of supply that might help safeguard you a bit.
just think how happy your kids are gonna be if you have second thoughts.
All medications have been removed from her reach. My grandma had a suicide attempt before moving here to my parents home six years ago. My concern is that she'll try to overdose herself and her son so that she can take him with her. She sees him as her property and he's the only thing she's ever been able to control in her life. She is very threatened by being separated from him.
I turn off the hall light at night when she really needs it on to use the bathroom at night. My husband and I would rather her get up at night and fall because it's dark than have her see her way into mischief. It's terrible that it's come to this. She is 86, has poor vision, unsteady on her feet, and that makes her a lot less scary. Still, she has the ability to throw things, and improperly dispense medications. I'm choosing my battles with her very carefully because most things don't matter so much when I know I only have to tolerate her for a few more days.
I am going to call her doctor first thing in the morning to get a TB test. The board and care we decided on needs to have the results before taking her in. Those results will probably be in by Wednesday and I hope to move her out as soon as possible. This just can't happen soon enough! Our plan for transporting her is to not mention anything about it the day of. I won't pack her things in front of her. I will just bring her stuff once she's left the house. My husband and brother are going to get her in the car and take her. My husband does not want me to drive her because he fears she could take the steering wheel from me, that thought really spooked me. My husband will drive and my uncle will supervise her in the back seat to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.
Oh, we can't wait for her to leave!!! The kids have been talking about it all day and want to know what day she'll be going.
Remember too, what so many have said about how to make it easier to get into a facility, straight from the hospital. If she has something, anything happen medically or a psychotic episode, use it to get her into hospitalized care first. Then it will be on the medical pros to be the bad guy.
If she goes to the facility and she refuses to stay, where will she go? You may need to have a back-up plan.
And DO be careful for yourself and your family until you get her out of there. I'm sure you remember what you've always heard about how dangerous wounded animals are? From her perspective, she's been wronged. She's feeling very wounded and you need to be aware of her behavior relative to that.
I hope the place you are planning to locate her is a locked memory care facility. Anything elf will allow her to try to escape, which is no good. On the day of placement, if your husband and uncle get her to the facility and she refuses to stay, DO NOT allow her back into your car. Have it locked. Let her flip out if she's prone to do that, perhaps even strike out at someone, and you can get a 5150 for sure. Your dad can attempt to reason with her with an either or situation: mom, either you cooperate and let me continue to oversee your care OR I'm turning you over to the state and you will have a public guardian.
This is so tragic. I'm wondering if you don't get cooperation from her doctor. it sounds like she should have been diagnosed and had medication to calm her down long before now, long before it got out of control at this level. There is such a divergence between what the caretakers know and what the outside parties know, be they detached family members or medical professionals with limited dementia experience. Sad & so destructive for your family. I hope all the hugs I'm sure you're getting will help lighten your load!
Grandma has exceeded the limit of shock treatments that are considered safe. She has had them throughout her life. During her last session she was given 14 treatments and still not responding, so they then gave her four more and she finally came out of it. My dad said her behavior is starting to mimic how she acted before shock treatment in the past.
When we first moved in a few months ago she was doing so much better. I think it's because she was still in charge of dispensing her own medicine they way she wanted, not the way the doctor said to. Her behavior drastically changed after I removed the meds from her room and started dispensing them myself. All I've been hearing ever since removing the meds is her whining and begging for them back and her telling me that I'm giving them wrong.
The place she will be going does accommodate dementia patients. Unfortunately, she never loved my mom and that's been a well known fact. I just wish my mom never put up with her for as long as she did. After my mom died my brother took care of grandma. She made my brother insane and his life was hell so he moved out and I moved in. There are now no more relatives who can care for Grandma. She's burned all her bridges. I do feel sorry for her though because I'll have the ability to move on with my life and find happiness again but she will always be trapped in that chaotic mind of hers.
55 years ago, we had family friends that moved to Porterville California. The mom had the need to find work, yet the area up there was largely agricultural. There was, however, Porterville State Hospital. Even in 1958, in an economically depressed area, they were hard pressed to keep employee. This friend got her LVN through on the job training. Most of the nurses there, including this lady, burned out in about 5 years. It what is all they could handle. AND, they were taking care of unrelated people and only 8 hours a day.
I'm hoping you read that story with the realization that you and your family have really been put through it, partly due to our healthcare system, partly due to federal laws, but that you have performed admirably, and it is beyond reasonable that you have chosen to be done with it. Grandma is one of the lost souls out there who is truly mentally ill. After you get her placed and leave her alone for a while, IF she is able to adjust, you may find it possible to visit and try to relegate her behavior to the past. It maybe that your dad remains involved edited ministrative level, but no matter what, you and your immediate family will no longer be responsible for the day to day care of this pitiful women.
When the doctor stepped out I went after him and asked if he had read the letter and knew that she was moving. He said he didn't see the letter. He looked in his notes and then read it and a told his nurse to prepare the TB test. I was so surprised that he was so firm with Grandma even though he hadn't read my letter and didn't know yet what we had been dealing with. I felt so validated that it wasn't me just wearing out, my grandma has really become more difficult.
When I got home the doctor called to talk to me. He said that board and care facilities might not choose take people with serious mental illness. He said since bipolar/schizophrenia was the primary diagnosis and dementia was secondary, he was going to put on the forms that dementia was the primary diagnosis so that she wouldn't be rejected. I was stunned, I had no idea that she had a diagnosis of schizophrenia!! He said she fits the description and definitely has psychosis and bipolar disorder, but her symptoms overlap in many ways with dementia so we'll just go with that. I was grateful for that because the last thing I need is a curveball right now. I already told the lady from the facility that Grandma is difficult and defiant and I expect her to get worse and she made it sound like they are prepared for anything with dementia patients.
We are getting all our ducks in a row and filling out all the necessary paperwork to move Grandma out on Friday or Saturday. Now that I know I'm looking at schizophrenia a lot of things make more sense now. Her hallucinations are a lot more elaborate and detailed than what most dementia patients have. Sometimes people with dementia will fill in the gaps with their imagination when they can't make sense of something. Maybe they see some thread in the carpet and think it's a spider, but it's very unusual to see " a little troll wearing a leather jacket sitting on the dresser and munching on her pills." It is so very difficult with the mind and mental functions fails before the body does. Physically my grandma is in good health. At the age of 86, the only medications she takes are for her psychosis, anxiety, and sleep and yet all she talks about (more like cries and screams about) is how she just wants to die. Tragic.
What is your plan is after a day or two this place calls to tell you that Grandma needs to leave? I don't like to play devil's advocate, but this situation concerns me. You need a backup plan, and it may become handing her over to the state and let them care for her.
God willing, the end result will be a place of safety where Grandma can receive the specialist psychiatric care she needs - long overdue for all concerned. Aisha, well done, it's been a hard road for you, I hope it gets all gets sorted and cleared up in short order from here; but oh my goodness your poor grandmother too… xxx
The board and care may or may not be able to handle her, you'll never know until she's there. If they can't, they are legally obligated to state that she is inappropriate for their facility.
Aisha, be prepared, IN NO WAY should you EVER accept the responsibility or agree to bring her out and home!!!
You MAY be faced with turning her chair over to the state, who will appoint a public guardian. You will have no choice, you ALREADY have no choice.
For the first time, from the doctors own lips, you have now heard that you have been trying to rise above the caretaking of an impossible situation. No matter what happens from here on in, truly time for you to let go.
I described my grandmother to them and how she is very difficult and her family can not handle her. The staff assured me that they can handle all types of people. They have video camera's, bed alarms, 24 hour awake staff, etc. I'm ok with her going and letting them make the assessment after some time and then moving her. I really think they will be able to handle her though because physically she is getting slower, weaker, her eyesight is going, she falls if she tries to move fast, and I know if it weren't for that she would have to live in an insane asylum. They will have a visiting doctor and he may decide to adjust her medications to keep her more calm. Her current doctor refused to do it and I truly don't feel he was wrong in putting dementia as her primary diagnosis. If he saw this woman was capable of running around with knives trying to stab people, he wouldn't agree to this. She would fall and not be able to see the knives well enough anymore, that's actually a blessing. My biggest concern with her was medication and she won't have access to them again when she moves. It's even possible that this place takes psychiatric patients as well, but I wasn't going to call and find out after we're so close now. I can't start this process all over again.
If sending her there is the wrong thing to do, then in time the situation will right itself. I really can't change the plan at this point. I can't start over with researching places right now. I need this to go through right now and we'll deal with a change later. At least by then she'll be out of my home and I won't be in a chronic state of tension and stress. I was so completely worn out yesterday after taking her to the doctor. Just doing that was very emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. I really feel that she will be safe when she goes and others will be safe from her. I'm going to ask the lady from the board and care to come do her assessment of Grandma on Thursday with the hope of moving her the same day or the next day. She might act so horrible in front of the lady that she will be denied, and then we'll just have to deal with it.
A friend went through a similar experience, mom was not psychotic, but family had an unrealistic view of the care she would need and placed her in a group home with four or five other residents that were not down the path into Alzheimer's as far as mom was. After three days the family was called and told they needed to pick her up since this home was not suitable for her. Mom upset the delicate balance within the home. Her issues were she did not know which room was hers and was going through the other residents rooms looking for her things. It created a tremendous amount of anxiety within the other residents.
She went home for about a week until another home was found. Have not heard the results of the second one. Finding the appropriate place is sometimes trial and error. But with your grandma's medical condition, they should be instructed to send her to the hospital for a psychiatric examination. Do not bring her home again.