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My mom always put my dad on a pedestal, when dad passed, she put my youngest brother on a pedestal.
My brother is, POA, executor, and has his name on the deed of mom's house. He is a high ranking officer and always busy, but is in charge of everything. Mom thinks I'm supposed to worship him the way she does, and do everything for her because, that's what women do. Which leaves my brother in complete charge and acting like an officer acts.
Mom was doing well with what I have been doing for her the last 4 years, but the beginning of this year has had one set back after another. My brother refuses to step back, refuses AL, or home care, or paying me.
My brother has pre cancers cells on his esophagus that needs scraping every month, I know this is extremely serious. My brother was at ground zero after 911, for 6 months. He has seen more horrors in his career than we can even imagine. Lost and loses friends and other services members, honestly, sometimes weekly, between wars, cancer, and suicides its bad.
So because of this I was doing everything, even making his bed at moms. He is at moms and average of 2 weekends a month. I and my older brother do everything the other 26 or so days a month.
I'm in a good place now so no worries, limiting my time as much as I can at moms, enjoying and living my life. But I do like all us caregivers get frustrated and upset at times.
To finish my story and add another twist, when I left my ex, he became best friends with my brother. I don't mean the typical best friend stuff, when they are not working they are together, at breweries, they bought a boat together, so every weekend he is at mom's, he is usually boating and playing. Or going on many weekend trips together. I'm pretty positive my ex is also my brother executor of his will. That is a rumor, my son told me. Also moms that worship there son, they also worship whomever is in their life, meaning my ex, is on moms pedestal too.
I really suspect my ex will someday be living at mom’s house.
My brother will have no communication with me, as for when he is going away or going to be at moms. Officers don't tell there corporals anything. My ex usually tells me.
I do know that I should completely walk away from all this, I have put many boundaries down and I'm actually rather happy the way things are going, now that my older brother is really helping, big time. He has really bucked up for about six months. We are very different people, but we show each other much respect.
Just wanted to share my story and open a thread so when I do need to vent, people can read and understand where I'm coming from.
Btw, I like humor so can I get a 🏆, for having one of the most dysfunction families. 😂 Thanks for reading all this, and thanks so much for all the help I've received the last 9 months

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I’m going to go out on a limb here with my opinion but I would be really careful what you wish for as far as how your mom feels about your brother. That relationship seems pathological - on both sides.
But chances are, if she turns away from him she will turn that laser focus onto you and that could be so much worse!
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That it is peasuep, that it is! As for the bloom falling of the rose. It's borderline creepy . Brother rules the roost and that is what mom wants

Brother is the Golden child, and mom treats him much better than she does herself.

I feel like if she had the heat on at least 72 , it would keep the bone chilling cold she gets. At 68 degrees she gets to cold to get that cold out of her system.

" It is what it is", and there are much worse stories, out there.
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I don’t know about healthy or average; MIL’s house was always a sauna by my standards and mom’s is always cold. But they have, or had, different health issues and frankly, my standards don’t matter anyway. Your mom should be comfortable in her own home.

Who is your brother complaining to? You or mom? If it’s mom, is she then complaining to you? Does bro regulate how many ice cubes she can have in her Pepsi and how many squares of tp she uses?

Based on Your Story, I wouldn’t say a word or voice an opinion. Wrap mom up in a quilt and get you both a hot cup of tea when you visit. Buy her a nice electric heating pad for Christmas. The bloom might be off the rose a little in that relationship.
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I got a couple quick questions.

What is a healthy average temperature for an 89 year old to keep her house at?


Also if my brother and mom is on the deed, but complains if mom turns the heat above 68. Can she get heat assistance, with him on the deed and making well over 6 figures?
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Thanks, Joann, Beatty, and peasup,

I'm accepting that I will most likely never have a relationship with my brother, he will never show me respect, and I'll never accept anything less. I'm happy with that.

The hardest thing has been I was 12 when he was born, then mom went to work and I very much raised him until he was like ten. So my feeling are a bit deeper than some brother/ sister relationship.
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Those military guys don't seem to be able to not bring their work home. My SIL told me that an Officer (BIL was a Major) has to keep his family in line too because he could be drummed out of the service if his kids got into trouble. Can't control your family can't command men.

Thanks for the the story. It does help to know where everyone is coming from. Its nice you make brother's bed but he learned that in boot camp.

I am glad we have helped you set boundaries. We all need them in our lives. The ones that will do end up getting taken advantage of. It took me a long time to realize that.
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Trophy & encouragement from me!

Whenever I feel the urge to connect to one who understands a dysfunctional family background I pick up Jane Eyre to re-read.

In fact watching the 2011 Jane Eyre film is a particular treat.

Thrive against all adversary! Go Jane! Go Nacy! Go all of us!
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Nacy, my new friend,
I appreciate you.
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Oh, Dawn I finally found someone that understands what I'm dealing with.

I've been feeling like there is a lot more going on here than , just a case of golden child.

I heard my brother is about to make Colonel, and I'm sure there is PTSD going on to.

If you have anything else you can share with me, that may help understand this, please do
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I could win 5 trophies for family dysfunction, but won't go into it.
Just know I GET IT. My Dad was a Colonel, Commander of the 101st Airborne in Ft. Campbell, Kentucky. Both husbands were ARMY Veterans.

I made new friends in 2005, and they are a diverse group of great people. We all are still great friends all these years later.

You can't choose you family!
My life slogan is: You do for those who do for you.
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Alva, I wish needshelp was her to see how far I've come, 🙂‍↕️, so much is because of her.
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Funky, thank you so much , I am proud of myself. Just a bit of a set back this week!

Alva, I'm glad that all came out right!

Ineed, I'm planning on walking the minute mom dies, I don't want anything, I for the most part do the bare minimum, now. This week was not a usual week. But thanks for the advice!
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It sounds like your brother is a control freak, to put it in non-military terms. I would worry about what he's up to with your ex. Is it possible if he passes before your mom, he could appoint your ex as POA over your mom and give your ex a portion of your mom's house? I would try to find the answers out through an elder care attorney. Sometimes law schools have free help. I paid $400 for a one hour session with an elder care attorney but it was worth it.
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It's a great short synopsis, Nacy. Thorough and well done. Let's us know a lot involved.
You are very intertwined with your family. Almost enmeshed, I think.
They always say that we have two chances at family. The one we are born to and the one we make.

I often say that I think the luckiest folks are those who do not live in the same state as their siblings, as their parents, as their children. I still do think so, hard as it is and much as you might miss them.

We are all very complicated. We all have strong opinions and private needs. It is complicated in each family. What is it Tolstoy said in Anna Karenina
"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way".
Well said.
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Anxiety, you've come a long way from when you first came on this forum, and for that you should be proud. Keep up the good work.
You are a good example of why most of us stay on here, and that is to try and help others struggling when they need help.
You took the advice given and applied it to your situation, while there are others on here, I won't mention names, but more recently someone who thought they were being bullied but in reality was just stringing those that chose to stay on her thread along for a very LONG ride, with NO intent of making any changes EVER.
So kudos to you for being wise enough to make the necessary changes to make your life and your caregiving situation better.
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