Spent the day at the hospital with my mother due to injury from yet another fall due to low blood sugar.

"Endocrinologist told me to tell her “we’re working on it” and keep her here with me because she can’t go home with the insulin new endo prescribed."

She has med administration supervision, so that's all the dr. cares about. Just what is he "working on"? He's trying to find placement for her? Or is he working on something else (home health care)?

So her stinginess means YOU become the LTC solution. That isn't right. Are you going to give in?

Call the endocrinologist this morning and have a serious talk about the fact that you are going bankrupt.

Your mother needs to be moved to a supervised environment immediately, Like to your brother's home, where his wife can care for her.

I sent a message to the doctor that I can’t do this indefinitely and have a part-time job lined up. That my brother and SIL handle her money and while they give mom crappy care they live closest to her and it’s them she defers to. And I am beginning to feel taken advantage of.

TWillie; Reading all of your posts, it seems to me that you are volunteering to be taken advantage of. I'm sorry if that sounds mean, but look at what you've told us.

Your mom prefers your brother and SIL's care to yours. She is leaving him all of her money. She accedes to your brother's demands to leave the IL you found for her and lives as a shut in.

She refuses to take her doctor's advice to live in a supervised situation. She wants to return home. She hasn't been declared incompetent.

You voluntarily brought her into your home. You can only be a doormat if you lie down for others.

Barb, I know you are right. I am unable to say No. And I’m torn about going no-contact. I do better when I have minimal contact. Can I just go ahead and take her home?

Btw, the doctor isn’t working on LTC solutions. I would bet money my mom won’t even go back to this doctor unless I take her.

TW; Is your mother ASKING for your care? If so, you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that it can only happen if she assigns you as her health care proxy and arranges to pay you for care. (If she's still competent enough to do this).

If she is unwilling to do this, you need to find out what your responsibilities are legally, now that the doc has told you that she can't be left alone. (This is why we all told you NOT to take this on; now you may be legally obligated NOT to leave).

I'm hoping others will chime in here with good advice.

One more thing; "mom won't go back to the endo doc unless I take her". Didn't you say that mom can't go anywhere without assistance? Do you mean she won't initiate an appointment? That's the dementia. It sounds as though you are expecting your mom to act like a person with a brain that works. Hers is broken beyond repair.

The endocrinologist practices at the hospital less than 2 miles from my house. If my brother comes to get her (they live on the other side of town). Mom lives alone about ten minutes frm him. Brother hates to be inconvenienced to drive outside his own county. But the fact remains doctor wants the POA at Feb 20 appointment.

I have been driving two counties over for 3 years checking on her and taking her out for a good meal weekly and taking her to specialists when needed. I did this on advice of a elder care lawyer after she left IL. I journal everything.

So last night I started a talk with my mom about getting legal advice if I’m going to remain involved. And I’m going to ask her to give me medical POA and let me place her in assisted living. And then hope and pray brother will pay the bills if he is in fact Financial power of Attorney.

P.S. mom did ask for my help when she called me after her fall and injury. She is competent enough to hire a caregiver to drive her to her appointment with the endocrinologist where I could meet her there. She is also stubborn enough not to. She told me the other night when I was making her do finger stick BS check that she’s “getting tired of this sh&t and threatened taking large dose of insulin.”

Twillie I've been following along and not posting but I've got to jump in - she can't be competent enough to direct her own care and to appoint you as medical POA and also be so incompetent that your brother's financial POA keeps her from accessing her own money, so which is it? Brother is using his position to bully and manipulate, if she is truly competent what she says trumps what he says.
And are the doctors aware of her suicidal threats? Surely this is a clear demonstration that she is a danger to herself and could be used to force a 72 hour psych evaluation.
As for the endocrinologist, IMO he isn't the person to appeal to about her ability to remain at home and planning long term solutions, that isn't his role or area of expertise.

TW, please read what CWillie has written!

It really seems like you are being played by your mom and brother.

You can't afford not to work and to be at her beck and call, without the authority to direct her medical care or spend HER funds on her care.

If your mom is suicidal, she needs to be in a psychiatric unit that will address those issues.

If your mother needs medical supervision of her glucose levels and insulin administration, she needs to be in a NH situation.

I’ve contacted the social worker - reviewing her chart and getting back to me tomorrow.

Social worker was going to help me get her in short term rehab with goal of going to nursing home (would need POA for that). The other brother (1,000 miles away who hasn’t seen her in 10 years) is running his mouth and told her we’re just trying to get out of taking care of her so getting her willingly in rehab is not going to happen. They are all angry cause I said I need to get a part time job and can’t cart her around if she goes back home to the other side of town. I’m exhausted doing 24/7 care because of her insulin and suicidal comments. So I pushed the doctor appointment up cause POA (brother) isn’t going to show up anyway (still out of town) and let doctor guide me.

I’ve been serving this woman her meals on a tray and checking blood sugar, giving insulin, diapering her, caring for her wound, have home health in my home every day, shopping for food, preparing diabetic meals and she doesn’t appreciate a darn thing. It’s never enough. She wants me to do it on her terms, in her house. I’m done. I’m taking her home.

February 16 will be the anniversary of my husband’s suicide and I have to deal with the triggers my mom dishes out. Pure emotional abuse and manipulation.

Update - so my mom is home alone again after a month in my home. Brother is traveling. Mom cancelled the caregiver I requested to come every day. And APS is investigating the report I made of neglect/self neglect. What do I do? I’m worried sick about her ability to manage 4 shots of insulin a day and prepare herself meals. She is not talking to me. Brother never talks to me (he lives 10 min from her). I did find out that PCP has referred her for neuropsychological assessment re: her dementia. It seems like the only ones concerned about her ability to manage meds is me and the doctors. Mom and the rest of the family are in denial. Advice? do I step back for now till APS investigates?

P.S. someone will have to drag her to neuropsychologist.

Sounds like APS may have contacted her doctor?

Since mom isn't speaking to you, why don't you let SIL know about the referral.

Brother and SIL have been notified about the referral for neuropsychologist. My question is: do I keep doing weekly care checks on my mom in light of APS involvement?

Twillie, you need to do what you feel will be best for YOU - if checking in weekly is the only thing that will will save your sanity then do that, but if you are able to bow out completely and let the chips fall where they may then I think that is probably the only thing that will result in anything changing.

TW, why do you think that doing once a week checks on mom (are they in person or on the phone?) are affected by the APS process?