Searched & came upon this old AgingCare forum re: Christmas. Going up to my Mom's next Tues (2nd time this month) & on the 22nd.. 2 hours away. I am exhausted thinking about both days & what I have to do for her (trash-dishes amidst her screaming/cussing/criticism), get her garage door fixed, take her grocery shopping & to get her tree (I pull it in, decorate it all while she sits & criticizes), meals, clean up..drive home. But I will do both days well..so I can enjoy rest of the season solo & with Kids & friends who are positive & loving.. My Mom brought up again yesterday, "if I made (that's not happening & hasn't my entire life) a Christmas dinner, would you come? " I reminded her "Nope..coming on the 22nd. We will have a nice time like we did last year." Remind her my Kids have other family in town...an Aunt that went thru thyroid surg + radiation & a Cuz who had SVT Heart Surg few mos ago. She can never just let it go & accept what my plans are. Always has to circle back around & poke. She is a person you can't take anywhere-trust what will come out of her mouth. Rereading comments on this old thread help re-center me... Last year my Dad was on his way out (passed Jan 1st) She didn't see him all of the season. Not on the actual days with him. Didn't see him once for 2.5 mos before he passed. Mindblowing. For some reason she manufactures in her mind that she needs to get ready for the Holidays. She never did a lot when I was growing up. Was too busy being intoxicated. She did take us to get a tree... I haven't spent actual T-Giving or Christmas Day with her for 25 yrs. Not starting now. Would ruin rest of my holidays for rest of my life. Over it. Anyone else relate & do as I do? https://www.agingcare.com/questions/do-i-have-to-have-my-mother-over-for-christmas-every-year-simply-because-she-prefers-it-to-going-to--470754.htm
I’ve almost made a post about my sibling and Thanksgiving this year, but it wasn’t caregiving related and would really just have been a rant. But my sibling with lifelong issues (some kind of undiagnosed mental illness) completely invited himself, minus any asking, to my family’s Thanksgiving. Since we lost our last parent he’s had no one to spend the holiday with, his own adult children won’t spend it with him. This year he announced he couldn’t stand to be alone and just showed up. My adult children have done some maturing and were kind about it. When they were growing up they feared him, he’s volatile, rude, and often mean. This time they felt sorry for him. That lasted until he started grilling them with endless questions. It all ended okay though. But what I fear is that he thinks the door is opened now for future holidays. Ugh, it isn’t. He’s one of the two people I went through Boundaries for, and those boundaries have been well enforced. Time to reread the book!
On a separate thought, I’ve listened to my MIL cry “I just want us all to be together” so much that I’ve told my adult children that though I hope they can make it for holidays, if they can’t no problem, their dad and I will go see a movie! I can’t stand whining, even my own!
Think how nice it would be after 22nd, positive, kids, friends.
Just get thru it and enjoy Xmas.
Ideas for next year. :)
Next year, a
How about a cruise instead?
When I contemplate being around my family I don't imagine this happy occasion or think maybe this year will be different. It won't. Everyone will drink too much and not listen to each other and the teasing which I always seem to be the target of will continue. And before anyone says "why don't you call them on it" I have and then I'm just made out to be overly sensitive. My sister who usually hosts Christmas never really just stops and converses with anyone. Her place is like a designer house and she's definitely the hostess with the mostest but it all kind of falls flat in my eyes. Good for her for doing it every year but I always feel like I need to dress to the nines when I'm there and she peers at me like she's counting any new wrinkles I might have. I'm sure one year she grabbed my leg and was feeling it to see how firm it was. With a fractured foot right now I truly am not planning on putting on the ritz. Sweat pants and a dash of lipstick suits me just fine this year. Maybe a Christmasy sweater.
It's just not worth it to me anymore. I enjoy sitting at home with my hubs and enjoying our beautiful tree. We've collected some really cute decorations and I get great joy from just looking at them and being cozy on the couch with him and my kitty.
"Always has to circle back around & poke."
Very well described. This is testing your boundaries! Are those walls still there? Are are any little cracks? Poke, poke. If any found - pry them open..
At the risk of poking too.. why do you decorate a tree for Mom?
Once our children are grown and out of our homes, I feel that it is their decision how they choose to celebrate.
Some people want to start traditions of their own.
My children are always invited home for the holidays. Most years they do celebrate with us at home, but we never insisted that they join us if they have other plans.
So, eatpraylove
You should do what you want to do, not what is expected of you.
Since you have decided to go, setting limits is the only way to go. A couple of days is long enough.
I never understood the idea of going to both parents houses on the same day for the holidays when our children were young.
We always rotated in our family. My parents home for Christmas Eve and my husband’s parents for Christmas Day.
Who can eat two large meals on the same day in two homes? I can’t eat that way. It’s too much food.
The woman that I know even has wheels on the bottom of her tree stand. She literally rolls in out, takes off the back, then after Christmas, rolls it back into her closet.
It doesn’t really matter what day you choose to celebrate the holiday.
I think the plan that you have made is brilliant!
Don’t modify it at all and enjoy your holidays with your family and friends.
Gray rock and ear plugs or those headsets that drown out noise completely. Tell her ur listening to Christmas music why u work. I give you lots of credit. I don't do as much for the holidays that I used to but...no appointments are made in the month of December.
Isn't it a shame that people like your Mom can't see themselves. They are not the problem everyone else is. I love the story "The Christmas Carol". Scrooge sees himself from other peoples perspectives and changes for the good. Don't u feel like telling her "Mom, don't you want to be missed when u die" If she says "yes" then you say "it won't happen if you don't make changes." I so wish I had the nerve to tell a friend that. She was a very unhappy person and expected people to do for her and when they didn't she complained. She would assume and then be upset when it didn't work out. Ex: Her grandson was remodeling a double, 2 story house. She said he told her he was moving her into the other half when done. Never happened. I think she hinted to him that she would love to live next door but he had stairs she couldn't do. I think he bought it to live in half and rent out the other. I really don't think a newly married man in his 20s wanted to care for a 65 yr old grandmother with big time health problems and I am sure that was her idea. Of course, she was upset he did not allow her to move in but didn' see where it was even possible. In their own little world.