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In 2 days, it will be 1 year since my mom passed away. It's still unbelievable to me. Some days I feel 'normal' some days I have such crushing grief and sadness, it takes my breath away. Nov 8th would have been her 78th birthday...and on that day, our beautiful cat had to be put to sleep. As if that day wasn't going to be hard enough...while I was holding him I swear I felt like I was outside of my body with sadness. My soul just feels like it's been raked over the coals. We just had our 1st Thanksgiving without her, took everything I had not to just cancel the holiday. My mom stayed with us for the last 5 years of her life, her rooms are the same as they were. I don't know if it's making things harder for me keeping things the same (I go in there everyday and talk to her) or if I should change the rooms to a guest bedroom & living room. I still feel her there...and can smell her there, especially in her closet. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening (and for the years of advice I've received).

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Thank you for all of your thoughts and condolences. It's truly helpful to come here and read your ideas and suggestions.
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I haven’t yet lost a parent, and it’s hard to imagine that it’ll happen. I have lost pet cats though, and that experience tore my heart out.

One thing that has helped me when dealing with loss is thinking of how the person (or pet!) would feel if they saw me now... and for all we know, they indeed might be seeing us still! I like to think they are, anyway.

Would they want to see you miserable, canceling holidays, and unwilling to keep living your life? Would they want you to resent your time on this earth without them? No! They would tell you how precious your time is here and to get as much joy as possible.

Would they have peace knowing their passing is why you’re so sad? Anyone who loves you would feel terrible for making you feel bad, even if it wasn’t their fault or anything they could control.

Some people think the level and duration of their mourning reflects how much they loved the one they lost, and that isn’t true.
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So very sorry that you are struggling. Death in itself is a right of passage, to some, it is to a better place. We are all born to die, one day at a time we move closer, this includes you. I would think that your mother would like to see you living your life in happiness and peace, not wallowing in grief.

My suggestion would be to clear out her room, dispose of her things, redo it, make it an inviting space for life...not a haven of death or a shrine to someone who has departed.

If that does not help, then I would suggest some therapy to get you unstuck.

Sending support your way.
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Losing beloved companions -- whether human or animal -- is very hard. I'm so sorry. I wish I had something to offer besides sympathy, but I do feel for you.
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Care giving becomes our purpose and our "routine" so when our LO is gone those holes remain in addition to the loss of the person we love. Sometimes, the reminder of that routine can feed the grief. My father needed reduced salt soft foods so every time I pick up the shaker to add salt to the pot I still think of him. Do you find yourself going to Mom's room at the same times you did when providing care? Or maybe after something like my cooking triggers memories? If so, I suggest trying to create new routines. Maybe taking a walk at the time you went to start the morning routine with your mother? With some socialization? Maybe walking at a mall or track with a group of other retirees? Coffee afterwards? Calling friends or family members you may have loss touch with while care giving? Volunteering at a school or library?
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Victoria ((hugs)). My mom died last October and moved to a nursing home a year and a half before that, I am still working on letting go of some of her possessions. First holidays after a loss are always difficult but your statement about going into her room every day makes me think your grief is a little greater than average, I think that you may benefit from some grief counselling to help you move forward with your life.
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Firstly, I would like to offer my sincerest condolences for the loss of your mother. I’m so sorry that you are suffering so much. Grieving is normal.

I don’t know what is best in your situation. Have you gone to any grief counseling or support group? Do you feel that would help you in any way?

The holidays can be hard. Also anniversaries of deaths can be hard so she is on your mind. She lives in your heart. Your love has not died for her. It never will.

She would want you to remember the good. She would want you to have peace and joy. Don’t you think?

Sending you a big hug! Take care.
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