Mom with dementia attended social daycare 6 days a week. She broke her shoulder, went from hospital, to rehab and seems to need to be in a facility. Her dementia has worsened while there and her behavior is erratic. I know she needed a higher level of care, but I feel so guilty packing up her apartment and getting rid of her things. Not that she could participate, but if feels like such a betrayal...Mom lives (lived) in rent control apartment. If I do not send in her renewal papers this week, she will no longer qualify and I will have to move her out by the end of the month, but I am struggling with the idea that if I do this I will regret it in the future. I think all of us with dementia parents worry that they are going to come to their senses and flip out because of all the choices we have had to make for them. She keeps asking "when am I going home", and tonight was screaming at me about going home so I know there is no reasoning with her as she does not understand why she is there, but like I said, I wonder if she was "home" would her behavior normalize...and the pragmatic side of me knows the answer but the guilty daughter side feels like this is one more way I am remiss in her care. She senses that she has been there awhile, but has no sense of time, but is not "acclimating" like I am told most patients do, so that makes me continue to wonder what the best plan is for her.
I wish the best for this transition. It is apt to be bumpy because another move is often hard on them and it can take an average of 3months to adjust. I think you know it’s the right thing but you too are grieving this change in your mom's life and probably feel you are responsible for this move. However...you are not! The choice is made by HER health condition...you need to come to grips with that. My dad is in the stage of blaming me for the move and I can’t reason with him although I’ve tried. It is a sad situation for me.
Tell her they are putting a new roof on the apartments... It remodeling ... Or the doctor says she needs to stay here for a while.... Any thing that works.
My mom can only occasionally get out a coherent statement and it is still often "I'm going home" I reply, can I come? Let's go in the morning, or next week. It calms her. I tell her things we liked to do together, what we will see, etc.
Much luck
I can tell you from my experience, over the last 4 months, THEY DO NOT COME TO THEIR SENSES. I had to say that to myself daily, in the beginning. I still have such guilt over having their home cleaned out, items donated, items sold at auction, and items I kept because they mean a lot to me. I cried about it today... I still have to sell the house, I'll cry then too and have that irrational fear of them coming to their senses, or getting out and having no where to go, and then I will tell myself, "THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO COME TO THEIR SENSES."
Then I tell myself, "they are safe, clean, fed, receiving medical care, and I can sleep knowing they are cared for 24/7, and most of all they are together."
You will feel all sorts of emotions during this time:
Anger, grief, mourning, fear, anxiety, denial, overwhelmed... and after each emotion visits, you'll pull yourself back up, do what you need to do as a responsible adult and daughter, and get more done. Then you'll ride the wave of another emotion, and pick yourself up all over again...
You ARE doing the right thing!!
My feelings about all this? Well, in the two weeks we were working in the house, all I could focus on was the work at hand. Now, I have moments of guilt and sadness because I know neither of them would have wanted their house to be sold or to have strangers buying the things it took a lifetime to accrue. My mother still thinks she can take care of the both of them, even though my siblings and I took care of them for over 15 years with increasing levels of care and 24/7 for the last seven. This whole care-giving journey has been a dichotomy of feelings. Yes, I feel guilt and sadness, but I also recognize how necessary it was. It’s just that knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.
It has just greatly impressed upon me how narrow our world can become as we age. They are living together in a small, but comfortable room, with just enough possessions for their needs or to make it cozy - photos on the walls, flat screen TV, wardrobes, chests of drawers, beds, stereo, CD player, DVD player, and other decorations. When they die, they will have even less to go into the coffin.....as will we all. What they do have are children and grandchildren who visit them and advocate for them on a daily basis. Children and grandchildren who are still speaking to each other even after the stresses of all we have gone through with trying to take care of them and keep them in their home, when they started to fail in their early 70’s. Even though we were raised in a home marred by alcholism and mental illness.
The children and grandchildren and even great-granchildren got a few things from the house which makes us feel as if we will have something tangible to remember them by. We never expected an inheritance.
It just occurred to me. Both my father and mother received an inheritance from their parents and never did any caregiving. All their parents died within a short time of becoming disabled and infirm and at an earlier age.
I’m sorry to make this post all about me, but I do understand your feelings. Think, as you are clearing out her apartment, “My mom is still alive, and I can go see her when I finish this”. You will have more time to be a daughter, as well as an advocate for some time longer. Endings and change are always hard, but they can be for the better.
Tell her they are putting a new roof on the apartments... Or it is being remodeled ... Or the doctor says she needs to stay here for a while.... Any thing that works.
My mom can only occasionally get out a coherent statement and it is still often "I'm going home" I reply, "Can I come? Let's go in the morning, or next week." It calms her. I tell her things we liked to do together, what we would see if we went, etc.
Much luck