The Aftermath: How do I repair a fractured relationship?
Caring for my mother in her 90s who lives alone, and quite a distance from my husband and I, for over a decade. Last year I was showing symptoms of beyond burnout and we made the decision to back off and set some boundaries. I can tell you this: this was the MOST DIFFICULT thing I've ever done. I love my mother deeply but it's always been a rough relationship. I have one sibling who lives quite a distance away and helps out from there in whatever way possible. They are amazing and I'm so grateful for all they do.
Once we presented the problem to my mother and indicated there were certain things I cannot do because of my health it seemed to have gone well. But the aftermath and how it stirred up the family dynamics has been nothing less than horrible. My health has declined on 3 fronts and I'm still not able to set aside the guilt that I feel for doing this. She has done a tremendous job in picking up her share of the responsibilities and has many people who help her in various capacities.
Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have been better to just leave things the way they were. I'm at a loss. I don't know how to repair a fractured relationship that I worked so hard at to make it healthy and loving between us.
Any input would really be welcomed.
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I was worried about causing a rift when I stepping back from a hands-on role. I had stepped in to help... you know how it goes.. mission creep. I found myself anxious. My creeping resentment I took as a message: that change was needed.
I am very sorry you have had health issues. It may be over simplistic to say caregiving caused them, but it does seem to happen. Another message that change was needed?
The way I see it now is I turn up as *me*. As my true self. Being honest about what I can do & about what I won't.
I am more honest with myself about what feels too hard or burdensome. I accept it feels that way.
I let go of any 'good person' + 'good daughter' labels. Still practicing letting go of any unhelpful thinking... Eg I must always be the one to do xyz. To let go of fear of other people's judgement. Let go of obligations set 200 years ago on women/daughters. Once fear & obligation left, guilt left too.
Can being a Mother's adult daughter be separated from the training of being Mother's little helper? That would be the repair I'd aim for: A new adult-adult companionship relationship.
Watching our parents struggle affects us more than we ever imagined it would.
So much of my life was spent on managing my mother’s life. It became second nature to me. A lot of emotion goes into caring for a loved one.
I had a difficult time adapting to not being responsible for my mother’s full time care.
Even though I yearned to resume my life, for some reason, I lost a sense of who I was without my mother present in my life.
I didn’t even recognize these feelings until my therapist, husband, children and friends pointed it out to me.
Sometimes, these emotions are hard to turn off suddenly. Give yourself a bit of time to adjust to not being a caregiver.
In a sense, we are grieving the life that had become what we perceived to be helping our parents.
The truth is that others are quite capable of caring for our loved ones.
Wishing you peace as you enter this new stage of your life.
What went wrong? Are you "just" feeling guilty that you said no, or is your mother complaining about that to you or to others?
If you still have a hard time combing out the realities of the situation and coming to a certain level of peace I would consider a few counseling sessions with a psychologist or with a LSW in private practice as counselor.
This is a sad situation. Life is FULL of them. We have to accept that we aren't omnipotent, aren't God, aren't Saints (bad job description, anyway for them).
I am sorry for your grief. Get help for yourself. There are times we all need help.
It seems like your mother's situation is the best it can possibly be. What on earth do you feel guilty about? You shouldn't sacrifice your own health for a 90+ year-old woman who has lived most of her life. Your job is to take care of yourself for your husband and family so that you can live yours.
I don't know what family dynamics have been stirred up by your actions to protect yourself, but those people don't count, and if they are making you sicker, you shouldn't be having anything to do with them.
You are important. You have done as much as anyone could do for your mother. Keep that in your mind and repeat after me, "I am the best I can be and I don't have to be better than that."
May you find peace in your journey, and for heavens sake, stop worrying about mom. Maybe you need a new hobby. Or something. Needlepoint is very calming, and writing a journal can be a healing process.
Personally, I would call her out and let her know that the stress of her causing horrible family dynamics means you are able to do less. So sorry mom!
9 or 90 years old, manipulation is unacceptable and should be dealt with so everyone involved is protected.