Some of you may remember me. I've posted previously about having moved my 90 yr old (soon to be 91) mom across the state to live with us last April. She was no longer able to maintain her house, her expenses, or herself. Moving in to our home was the only option she would agree to, so we put our entire living room in storage & that's now her room. We only have a kitchen, bathroom, & 3 bedrooms now. Then we spent $15k to renovate the entire (only) bathroom in our home to make it completely handicap compliant. Shortly after mom arrived, the cognitive issues she'd successfully masked all came into view. We knew she had physical limitations when we opened our home to her, but the cognitive stuff really blindsided us.
Her long time physician was a real trip and danced around the idea of "potential cognitive decline" for months. I wanted so badly to cut bait and find a better doctor closer to us, but all the physicians in mom's network had waiting lists for new patients, so we had to do our best with her existing doctor for a time. It wasn't until I walked into that office with three pages of behavioral observations we noted over a span of 5 months that the doctor finally gave mom a mini mental health assessment and confirmed the official diagnosis of dementia. But that's all the doctor told me - dementia - not what type, not what stage. But at least it was a start.
Finally, in late-January 2019 we got the good news that mom was accepted as a new patient by a GREAT local doctor. Whew! Having someone who's proactive is a breath of fresh air! Reviewing copies of mom's medical records has been a real eye-opener. There were periodic entries over the decades made by her previous doctor that mention likely bipolar illness and probably a form of personality disorder (BPD is noted - borderline personality disorder). Mom was given multiple referrals to a psychiatrist but always refused treatment. I never knew any of this until last month. Surprise! I always thought something was wrong with me that I just couldn't manage to keep our relationship happy. *sigh* Needless to say, I'm absolutely in therapy now to sort this all out.
We have a geriatric social worker hired and a full neurological exam scheduled to pinpoint exactly what stage & type of dementia we're working with. Yesterday the social worker discussed facilities with us and wants to take us for tours. She has concerns that our house isn't well-suited to someone with advancing cognitive decline and that it would also become a severely isolating and confusing experience for our two young kids. Additionally, neither my husband or I can stop working our full time jobs. Mom came to us with nothing. We're covering all of her costs and ours at the moment and frankly, we need every penny we can earn.
Mom knows she's declining, and yet is defensive about it and in denial. I can't really blame her. I'd feel the same. We haven't had any conversations about care facilities or the like in ear shot of her. But I know she's thinking about it because she confronted me with serious hostility out of nowhere last weekend. Saturday morning she woke up angrier than I've ever seen her & told me if I ever put her in a home she'd hate me even more than she already does. Then she said that once she's gone, she's going to haunt our house and everyone in it for the remainder of our days. THANK GOD our kids weren't around. The haunting comment would've scared the absolute heck out of them. It sure sent chills up my spine. A few hours later, it was like none of that had happened.
Today I'm feeling quite horrible knowing that if the neurological report shows moderate to severe dementia (like we think it will), I'm going to blow what's left of our relationship out of the water permanently when I tell her she's being admitted to a facility as soon as we find one. She's never going to forgive me for that. Our relationship has always been fragile. I don't see how it withstands this. What a way to end it
At some point in these terrible situations that have NO good outcome (I like to say that the options are usually bad and terrible; you try to find the "least bad" choice), you have to step back and figure out how to do the last damage to the people you owe the most protection to.
That's your kids. Your kids are vulnerable, impressionable and likely to be damaged by being in constant contact with an elder with BPD, even if she DIDN'T have dementia. How much more protection they need from her with!
There are posters here who've had bedpans thrown at them, been told never to darken their parent's NH door again, etc. All because the adult child made sure that their parent was safe and secure in a facility.
This is what responsible adult children do. It's not easy. Your job is not to please your parent, it's to keep her AND your children safe.
Part of what I think you're feeling right now is grief. Grief about the relationship you never had, and will never have. It's really really normal to feel this way. ((((Hugs)))))).
My mother is no walk in the park either. Luckily her living with us was NEVER on the table, as she picked on me a lot and I already knew that having her here 24/7 would result in a homicide.
Mom has been in and out of rehab centers as she is a surgery junkie, so she's had everything fixed she possibly can. And she thinks she had some things done she didn't: no gallbladder removal, I had mine out and she "adopted" my story almost verbatim.
My kids didn't spend enough time with or around her to get "hurt". Once I was married and gone, she couldn't care less about my life. As a true Narcissist will do, I was slow to learn. She cares about her and that's it.
Last year I suggested we hire 3xs a week care for her, just an elder care professional (my old career!) to help out--she lives with younger brother.
She was initially OK with it, even excited as she realized she'd have so much more freedom--but YB kisboshed the whole thing and told me to butt out for good, all I did was stir the pot.
So, nothing happened. She's declined a lot, She doesn't get to go out and YB has complete control over her.
I REALLY wanted to have her moved to a SNF, but that wouldn't have flown.
In all honesty, she's gonna be mad no matter what you do. Try to disengage as much as possible. Be prepared for the period of time when she simply is angry and wants nothing to do with you. It passes.
BTW, I was the poster who had the bedpan tossed at me. They're plastic and most elderly folks can't throw very hard.
I find that trying to keep a sense of humor about the whole disatrous mess is my best bet--and BOUNDARIES. I see mother when I want to. Period.
Whether or not she "forgives" you is not even up for discussion. My mother has said that to me so often it doesn't even ring a bell.
I once told my mom of she couldn't even remember my phone number then she likely wouldn't be able to find me to haunt me after she dies. (I am so snarky sometimes. But that is one hollow threat!)
I am glad you are going to a neurologist. A PCP should never try dealing with Dementia. They are called General Practitioners because they know a little of everything but not enough of anything.
She needs a NH. She will not get better. You need your life back.
You might want to consider this carefully as to timing. No need to tell her until you have already found the facility and placement is imminent. Like the next day.
What good would it do? It seems more like a threat and the children would have to deal with the fallout.
I’m sorry you and your mom and your family are all in this terrible position.
I would not tell her she is going to a facility, I would say I am taking you to lunch and let the professionals handle the situation.
If she knows it will only give her time to traumatize your kids.
I wouldn't worry about the haunting, that's what exorcisms are for. What a manipulative thing to say. BPD and NPD, proof provided by her.
There must be something to that generation of moms because my mother also told me if I put her in NH she would never forgive me and haunt me. I told her find I will just burn Sage and white candles, she was speechless.
You have to do whatever it takes to protect your kids and yourself.
I would not tell mom until you find a place for her. I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time in your life.
Useless for me to explain that I would only do that if it became physically impossible for me to care for her... and that we would be risking injury or worse to both of us if I tried to keep her at home. I only wanted to be upfront about the future, and with due respect for her as an adult and my parent, I didn't think it would be fair to blindside her with a sudden, unannounced placement. Well, that didn't work...
Your mom already has the idea in her head, so there's no point in discussing it with her until it becomes a fait accompli. All you can do is try to prepare yourself for the fallout when it happens.
Hugs and best wishes.
I am new to the forum and this is my first post.
My husband's mom is 88 and was moved to a nursing home facility in our small town after hospitalization for gout, UTI and a fall. At the hospital she was in decline, not eating or drinking, and the doctors told us she was in her final days, so we were girding up to experience her death. After she was on IV antibiotics and her UTI waned, she picked back up. She's alive, but weak and unable to walk.
We transferred her across the street to the local NH, and she has been there for 3 weeks. Medicade is not in place yet, but we are working on that. Her first month cost 7K out of her savings. Now she is distraught, says she hates it there and is begging us to take her home. My poor husband is retired, so most of the visits and care are in his lap, as I am still working full time.
He is exhausted with paperwork, and is getting heart broken over her constant complaints, phone calls and requests to go home.
We also have my 2 parents (aged 88 and 82) who live 6 hours away, one with dementia and one with demntia from Parkinsons. They are home, with caregivers coming in, and my younger brother lives next door. HE is exhausted, too, and every holiday or break I get from work goes to trips to his city to care for MY parents.
Lord, Lord, Lord. Its enough to make me think I should do my kids a favor and check myself off the planet voluntarily when I hit 80 or so.
I struggle with constant guilt. I struggle with wishing it was all over with, then feeling guilty for those thoughts. I hope all the elderly care doesn't drive us all into the poor house.
Thanks for listening.
My mother is almost 92, and she could never live with us. She is a narcissistic, demanding, and petty person who alienated most of the people in her life except for me and her sister. Now alone, she is still able to live in her apartment with my weekly help shopping, doctors, etc, daily calls, and a friend who also takes her to Bingo weekly. Nothing is ever good enough for her, and I made peace with the lack of a mother-daughter relationship long ago and make the best of what we have. I have a lot of support from husband, family, and friends to get through the challenges with her, including the doctor and senior social workers.
I can tell that her being able to live alone is coming to an end, and have quietly searched for and found options to consider when it is necessary. She will not even allow me to have a conversation about options, in home or otherwise, so I am just biding my time. I will have to be the "bad guy" one day and her own doctor said "It will end badly" because she wouldn't listen to him, either.
SO, I wish you the best and hope you will take care of yourself in addition to your mother. We love them dearly, but this stage of life is not for the faint of heart. Don't allow your emotions to cloud good decisions for you and for your Mom. I wish you and everyone going through this the best of luck, and many hugs!
After we did all the work to get my mom into a NH many years ago, she told me that she was going to drown herself in the river before going to the home. I lost it and told that someone was drowning in that river -- her or me.
She went in kicking and screaming. She did ok, but never really gave in and assimilated.
Long story short, many of these "feisty" woman never go gracefully.
You have to detach yourself and do it.
Best of luck
As someone who has gone through this angry stage, know that although all the anger and resentment is and will be directed at you, it is not your fault. As it was explained to me, her brain will missconstrue what is going on and then fill in the gaps with misinformation, some good, some bad. Add bipolar diagnosis and it’s a storm but not one you created.
Let the social worker be the one to tell her, perhaps a behavior psych facility will help pave the way. Ask them about placing her there first so they can find the right meds. My mom was told by the social worker and nurses that they needed to find the cause of her physical and mental impairment, she went to a behavior psych first and then to a memory unit on discharge.
Stay strong, they need to tell her, not you. She will have periods of highs and lows , I visited during the highs to keep my sanity. It truly sucks but you are not alone. Reading other members comments to each other always helped me as well as talking with members of a local Alzheimer’s support group. You should Look for a dementiasupport group in your area and surround yourself by good friends.
Tough times ahead, it will be a rocky road of sunshine and rain.
Best,
In addition to dementia, you say that she is bi-polar and may have a borderline personality disorder. It is time to put yourself and your family first. She will only get worse as the dementia progresses. You don't say but is she alone during the day now? What will happen when the time comes (and it will) that she can no longer safely be left alone while you are at work? Then you'll have the expense of day care or aides too.
When we had to bring my M-I-L to a memory care community she was very angry with us and laid quite a guilt trip on us. It is very normal to resist wanting to leave your home. After about 6 weeks she was a new person and referred to the MC as her home. The attention she received from staff and the socialization were exactly what she needed.
I get this is very difficult to do but for the sake of your health, your husband, and your children you need to.
It does feel like a kind of grief for the losses we feel and it’s so hard to push forward. I wish you peace about what you need to do ...hang tough!!!
We have to manage the guilt and grief. Seeing so many people here say it’s natural, you have to work on it, is not fun but so helpful. I’m mostly replying because I just moved my mom a few weeks ago and like you am pretty shocked at her cognitive state... it was worse than I thought, because she had so many set patterns in her past living situation. Where I’m at now is trying to move the balance of our relationship in my mind - she’s not the authoritarian now, she’s a weak and scared child. I’ve got to stop ‘going to the mat’ with her about stuff and just be calm and in charge... and kindly, whenever I can muster it. ;) Like others said, I’m continually reminding myself I have no control over what’s happening to her, and I actually say it a lot to her too: this is what your body’s doing, I’m not doing this to you, only here to help.
This may not be on your mind, but you may realize some of the investment in the ADA-complaint upgrades when you go to sell one day. Someone will love that.
Many people have told me it gets better after they are someplace where they can make friends. I think it's very important to find a place that will make sure they get involved with others and go to all the meals so they can establish relationships. I'm not in a position to say how things will work out for my Mom, though, as she fell 3 weeks after being in AL and has been in rehab ever since. But, she has said repeatedly that she likes the atmosphere at rehab because there are people around all the time. She has made friends with the women at her dining table and that seems to have also taken the edge off.
If I think about what my Mom (before dementia) would have wanted for me as I grow older, it definitely would not be this. She would want me to be happy, enjoy retirement, spend time with my family, travel, etc. With that in mind, I try to make the best decisions I can for both of us - making sure she is safe and as happy as she can be under the circumstances. It won't be perfect, things rarely are, but it might just end up OK. I wish you peace in this struggle, please let us know how things work out for you.
Your "relationship" isn't with the woman you see now. It's with the mom you had before the dementia took her from you. She's still in that body somewhere, but isn't in control anymore. She can't help what she says, does or thinks. When she screams or threatens, it's not the same woman who raised you. Dementia is unlike anything I've seen before. It takes a perfectly rational, competent person and warps them into something unrecognizable. Remembering that this person you see now is not an extension of who your mother was or even a result of the "fragile" relationship you've had is paramount in you and your family getting through this. And it's you and your family that you have to put first. Plain and simple. Your children are affected by this. You marriage is affected by this. So when your mom screams and threatens, just know that is the dementia talking, not your mom.
Do you have a POA and medical directive for your mom? Sorry if you've been asked this before, but I haven't read the comments yet.
I had to go a few states away to care for my parents (yes, both of them) and they were hiding their Alzheimer's Disease the best that they could. I stayed with them in their home for eight months, and during that time I had to place them in a facility, sell their home, and take care of legal matters. They were so angry with me, that dad said; "If I had a gun, I'd put it to the back of your head and pull the trigger." Mom wouldn't even talk to me, but she would yell horrible things at me.
Fast forward over two years, and they have forgotten everything that had happened. We are back to a wonderful, loving relationship, and they are very happy in the Adult Family Home. The important thing to remember is, your mom will forget about how things happened. My dad is 91 and my mom is 83.
That's when I determine, it was time to "cut" all ties, I've done all I could do for mom. I know my mom quite well and her dispositions, her flip,flopping (nice to me one time, then nasty to me a second later. The professional's do not know my mothers behavior traits like I do.
You know your mom and how she will react... no one else.
Looking back, I would of change a couple of things- Get others involved earlier, support for the very difficult mom, should of requested better help from an experience social worker. Should of involved mom earlier in the decision making. Should of ask for additional help from outsiders who could do more with her than I could of. Probably, should of "cut" ties previously, and predicted this behaviour and stubbornness.
I feel your pain...
I can only say get others involved with this very very difficult situation, and see if your mom will work with them, with you in background just monitoring.
The reality is that she will
require more care than you can give and placing her will create a better outcome for all of you.