I just joined this forum and this is my first post. I'm extremely thankful for this forum because it has helped me maintain my sanity through my years of caregiving for my mother who is over 90 years old. She has Parkinsons and early stage dementia. But right now I'm beyond burnout. I'm exhausted and angry and feel like screaming all the time. I know my situation is not as challenging as others, so when I read their posts it gives me strength to know that others are coping with situations that are more difficult than mine. I am thinking of placing my mother in a facility, but how do you know when it's time?
You have done plenty, you have done your time. Ask yourself if your mom would have wanted to burden you in this way. Most of us would hear "no" from our folks. They would want us to live our lives. And that is ok to say you cannot do it anymore. We all reach the point where the caring is too much and taking too much from and out of us.
A physical disability like PD coupled with dementia is a double whammy. My husband is bed ridden and dementia runs in his family. I dread the day when I start to see signs in him.
This process will not be easy. Start now to research facilities around you, both on the Internet, where you will find ratings, and narrow the list down to visit some in person. If you can have an honest conversation with Mom, do so. If not, there is a lot of good advice here on how to prepare for the transition from home care to care in a facility.
And, come back whenever you need to. We are open 24/7!
I'm going to second the point of visiting facilities and am going to add that even if you aren't certain, get your Mom's name on the waiting list. We didn't do that because Mom didn't want to move at that time (she was still competent) and we were trying to respect her wishes. However this last summer her forgetfulness changed into dementia quite quickly and now we are having to wait for an opening in the AL of our choice.
If there is an opening, and you aren't ready yet, you can just pass and they will keep your name on the list. And then there is a much better chance that you will be able to get in where you want to when the time is right.
I also want to repeat what my brother told Mom about why she needed AL. He said the goal was to keep her safe and happy. But that the goal was also to keep all her children safe and happy. And if you are angry and feeling like screaming all the time you are not safe (the stress hurts your health) or happy. Your needs are as important as your mom's, and you need to honor them.
Since you are already feeling the effects of burnout, wanting to scream is major, it's not going to change unless there are changes made toward the care of your Mom. Almost 40% of caregivers pass away leaving behind the love one they were caring. So ask yourself, do you want to risk those terrible odds by hanging in there caring for your Mom.
Since your Mom's dementia is just starting, now would be the right time to move Mom into an Assisted Living orMemory Care, if that is within the budget, or to a nursing home if Mom needs Medicaid to help pay for her care. This way, she would still be able to learn the layout of the facility, learn the Staff, and still be able to make new friends :)
I was lucky, my Dad (90+) told me it was time for him to move to senior living, and he was happy as a clam living there, being around people closer to his own generation... as he would say "more new ears to hear his stories".
Let us know what you decide.
It's smart to allow yourself enough time to look around, do your research and not have to do it when there is a crisis. It's very stressful, if there is a crisis and you have to rush.
Ref. Memory Care. I suppose that it depends on the state, but, in my state, Memory Care is paid for by a state program that is similar to Medicaid, called Special Assistance. They also pay for refular AL in cases where the doctor says it is necessary. This is for people who need help with meals, medication, bathing, dressing, etc. and they meet the financial requirements, of course. I've heard that some states do not have programs that pay for this and that in their state, Medicaid only covers nursing homes. I have read that dementia patients are accepted in nursing homes, but, I can't imagine how that would work for my LO, since she didn't need skilled nursing care, plus, she was quite mobile scooting around in her wheelchair. (She did need all other total care though and was double incontinent.)
I think that in most states, there will need to be an assessment done to determine what level of care that she needs. My LO did well in a regular AL at first, but, soon progressed rapidly and I had to transfer her to a Secure Memory Care unit, by doctor's orders. I'd ask a lot of questions at the regular AL's and observe just how much one on one care they can provide, because, I learned that they could assist, support and remind the resident, but, they were not equipped or trained to really provide the constant and direct supervision that a person with dementia requires. In regular AL, the staff seemed baffled by some of my LO's behavior, confused, frustrated and pretty useless in some cases, but, the Memory Care staff knew what they were seeing. They didn't throw their hands up if she resisted care, but, worked with her and showed her patience. She seemed to be much more comfortable there too, as it seemed she sensed they were able to take care of her.
I'd discuss it with some of the professionals and see what might be the best fir for her.
for years now, and with Parkinson's plus a stroke and dementia just starting it is now time to have Your Mom Cared for by a Team of Experts in a Full time Care Facility where Your Mom will receive the best of Care round the clock Who will be able to monoter Your
Moms condition 24/7. After all You are now approaching Your golden years and You kneed lots of rest and sleep and peace. You
are a wonderful Daughter to have Cared for Your Mom all these years, but You can not do it all on Your own. It's time. Remember Candlelight to keep Logging in to this wonderful Site because every Person Here Cares, and so many are on a similar journey. I wish You and Your beautiful Mom great peace.
I think you answered your own question. It's time!
By my math you are probably in your 60's so there is a good chance you have so health issues too so make sure you are staying on top of your own issues
It's this worry about feeling awful because daytime visitors might think mother is fine, whereas if they witnessed what she was like overnight they would have a better understanding of why she needs the support of full-time care.
It would be nice to know that you have friends' and family's approval, of course. But the sooner you ditch that as a factor in decision-making, the better. You are the one with all the information. You are the one having to make the right decision for your mother. What other people think about it is just going to have to be up to them, and if they wish to express an opinion they must first get to know exactly what they're talking about.
Perhaps I can best answer using my mother's words. She is 86, has Alzheimer's, and has been in a memory unit for two years. She told me years ago, "Don't feel guilty if you couldn't take care of me to the end, or if you need to go on with your own life." She had taken care of her own mother as long as she was able, so she knew so well the strain on, not only her life, but my dad's.
I would recommend that you look at all your options out there, including foster homes, which are much smaller with more of a home setting.