This is a vent

I'm really sorry you're going through all this with the elders in your life. Sundowning is a real sh*tshow, isn't it? I just got off the phone with my 94 y/o mother with pretty advanced dementia & I have no idea WHAT she was talking about, to be truthful with you, but she was certain I wasn't doing what I should have been doing for her. But I get to say goodnight and leave her in the care of the staff at her Memory Care AL 4 miles down the road. You don't have that luxury.

Good luck with the Father's Day trip which sounds like an ordeal in and of itself. Sending you a hug and a prayer for the strength to deal with BOTH your dad and your husband at the same time. You are a stronger woman than I, that's for sure.

Good mowing, Gray.

My mother is 2 miles away in MC. When she is sundowning, it all is almost impossible. For her. For me. So, I just have to leave.

Living in it…I just don’t know how you do it.

But, God.

I am praying right now for all of your husband’s most recent delusions, as well as your trip this weekend.

I would seriously consider going to visit your Father on your own.

I would image this would need much planning (so next visit) & would involve secure MC respite accom for your DH to be placed for the duration.

Grey, I know your title here is 'vent' & not a question but I am wondering.. if you did have any questions?

Is your dad's email provider also Comcast? They should have spam filtering tools that will block phishing emails. I know some of these scammers are getting so sophisticated, it would be difficult for anyone to know "who's real" vs fake scams, much less at 90yo.

You're dealing with a lot of difficult things, gray. And your home environment with hubs is likely to continue to be difficult, and get even more difficult. Do you have support for yourself? And time off for respite? Is it time for home care aids or something more? If you break down due to stress and illness, that doesn't help anyone. Big (((((hugs))))).

Beatty, I don't have a reply button for some reason so I hope you see my reply to you down here.

Visiting dad alone means leaving dh here pretty much on his own (our 40yo son lives in a basement, another story) but would not be of much assistance to my husband. I know that dh would not allow him to help him get ready for bed. My son is available but my husband would refuse. "I don't need a babysitter."

Dh is not at the place for MC yet. I honestly think heart failure will get him before he gets to that point. Doc has mentioned palliative care for the heart failure eventually. Dh says there is no way he is going on palliative care. I think to myself, "Then the other option is a nursing home, and that would be a lot easier for me." I am just hoping that my dad hangs on longer than my husband. Dad very wisely excluded his sons-in-law from the inheritance (if my sister or I pass before dad, then our portion goes to our children). But if dad goes before dh, then I am concerned my inheritance will be taken to pay for dh's NH care or MC.

AliBoBali, yes my dad uses comcast for internet and email. But he does all his email on Thunderbird, so I honestly don't know if the scam email came via his Comcast address, his gmail address, his hotmail address, . . . I'm not sure he even knows how to tell. I get very little spam in my comcast mail which I do directly through their website. Very simple but I can't convince dad of that. I've shown him how to hover over a sending address to see if it is even an legitimate address before opening emails, but that's just lost on him.

I've been dealing with difficult stuff with with dh our entire marriage. Chalk it up to a lot of bad teaching in various church fellowships about the role of women and men in a marriage. 2013 things started get worse and I started journaling. He wasn't diagnosed with dementia until the end of 2017. No, I do not have much in the way of "in person" support but I do have online friends that have kept me sane over the years. Dh doesn't see himself as needing care, he just needs me. At this point there is nothing that I can't do for him. What keeps me going is hope for the future (but I must admit that the older I get, the less I can see me fulfilling those hopes).

I don't really have any suggestions, but just wanted to offer my support and understanding for your challenging situation.

I was looking for a father's day card for my son-in-law today and nearly got him one that read:

A wise woman once said "F*** it all" and lived happily ever after.

I didn't quite dare to send lovely SIL that (maybe when he knows me better) but I offer it to you as a fall-back.

Gray, thx for replying, I always hope people can find their thread again.

I'm afraid I am still learning to just read.. not throw advice out too! I can see you have a bit of a tricky financial situation, but, have thought things out well & have your master plan. It's hard that your long distance plans bring such current hardships. I feel it is so unfair you cannot go see your Dad alone, or take some time out when you need to 🙁.

"Dh doesn't see himself as needing care, he just needs me".

Many are in the same boat - my Dad is - as Mother regularly refuses respite care. There is no convincing, no reasoning that can work.

The Doctor said it is not reasonable for her to insist that he be there all the time or provide all her care. That actually, she has no right at all to insist who provides her care.

Keep chatting if it helps 🤗

I know you are worried that your dad's inheritance gift to you would go towards your husband's care should your dad pass before him. For inheritance's as long as the funds are not comingled this money cannot be touched by spouse. For example if you got divorced that money would not have to be divided and he would have no entitlement to it. But to be 100% sure I always recommend asking a lawyer. Which sounds difficult for you to do since he won't let you out if his sight.

The Father's Day trip was a total disaster. Dh wanted to watch the US Open so we stayed at Dad's house until it was over. I had notified the hotel we would be a late arrival and several times over the past weeks had called and verified the room assignment. We know which room works for us there -- same path to the bathroom at night, step-in shower stall, handicap accessible, plus it is familiar to dh as we have had that room (actually one of four, there is the exact room on each floor) in most of our previous stays there.

You know where this is going, right? We got there at 9:00 pm and they had given away our room! An already overly-tired sundowning husband totally lost it there in the lobby. And we were left to go hunt for a hotel room in a resort area on a Sunday night. No vacancies anywhere. We finally went to the next town north and found a room. Nowhere near what we needed but at least it was a bed to sleep in. And the people there were marvelous. By 11:30 we were finally in a room.

Dh's blood pressure was dangerously low the whole trip. I got sick from breakfast Monday (the hotel we were supposed to be in would have supplied breakfast, so my sickness was a direct result of their failure). My father flowed with all the weird comments my dh was making while watching the golf tournament and that overflowed into his Father's Day phone call with my sister, she got offended, and hung up. (C'mon, sis, give your 90yo father a break!) Dad was weeping several times saying, "I don't understand what happened." Dh was snarky with me the whole time.

Horrible trip! So glad to be home.

I’m sorry, Gray.
Glad you made it home safely.

That sounds AWFUL 😓. But you wanted to go & you made it work, problems & all. Home safe now.

Sometimes we don't know it's the last time for something, until we look back. Sometimes we do & draw the finish line.