So grandma didn't even get evaluated for hospice. her primary care physician just looked at the computer and said no. which is fine, and I agree, shes been doing really well at home and doesn't have a life ending diagnosis. but now the man that refers/gets people into these homes is asking me what's going on. very pushy. I dont like it. I am going to continue doing what im doing and just look for people I can pay lower than agency rates, out of pocket. grandmas income is low and we help her pay utilities and groceries. her output has been more than her input recently, and im the only one that can really see/notice this. if we do everything out of her bank account (my mother is the POA) she won't have much money left after the next 4-5 months. im trying my best to help her pay for things and supplement what I can. but its also coming out of my IHSS money from the county to care for her. which , like I said , isn't nearly an accurate compensation. I am going to try and keep her home for now. I dont want to drain my bank account either. again the man that refers patients to homes has been talking to ME, not my mother, about what to do. he said they could accept her if she can get a nurse for the wound care, even if she didn't qualify for hospice. its boarding and lodge. im at a loss. it just feels like jumping the gun if I do that. I have family that wants me home, wants me to have more free time, doesn't want me to spend my OWN money hiring care to give me time off, and most dont agree with her going to a home. but im stuck because those same people will not help me or cant help. im codependent and have never really had a sense of self or my own life. so this comes easy to me, sacrificing what I could be doing and just doing what ive made myself feel like I have to do. I can see that. but I cant really change it. everyone wants to say "thank you!" and "hang in there" "keep up the good work" or "dont lose faith" easy for you to say, you all have time to go shopping and do laundry and live your life. thanks for the support guys. I know I brought this all on myself. but im here now. and I know I could hang on for a bit longer. but what happens when I cant? there's family that lives with her who dont help much or at all, besides being supervision, if that. the utilities, the housework, the condition of the house, the groceries she pays for, are all concerns I have with them living here. no one realizes how much bullish** is going on and I have to sit here and look right at it. fix it and clean it up, even. this is the worst situation that could have happened and my(immediate) dysfunctional family are the ones to handle it. seems really really stupid. idk how people do this for years on end. its been a few months for me and all I see are cracks in the foundation. I wake up in the morning and have little panic attacks. and then my mom wants to tell me "why cant you just ask so-and-so to watch her and we can do XYZ ???!!!! um bcuz it costs money we dont have and they cant always change her diaper. I am not going to neglect her just cuz you wanna have fun. im tired. I feel pulled in so many directions. the only person benefitting from all this is grandma. and my being codependent has decided thats good enough. im also afraid of my resentment towards her growing. ive never felt angry or upset towards her and now I feel it coming on. thats why her children aren't here doing this. not a healthy relationship with any of them. anyway. my plan is to meet someone and hire them to take a day or two off my plate. one night even. at that point my mom butts in and wants to be part of the interview and vet them and won't let me choose on my own. also thinks I shouldn't pay but grandma should... funny. if its up to her grandma would be in the cheapest home we could find. idk. like I said, uneventful and just venting. im glad I found this forum. thanks you guys.
Whether their relationships to their own mom is great or it is not, she is not your responsibility unless you make it so. At that point it becomes "choice" as in "YOUR choice".
There are ways around this and they are in no way as easy as a Star Trek "make it so" intoned. They are hard and they involved hurt and pain and crying and heartbreak and broken relationships. But there ARE ways.
In some ways this is self limiting, but you currently are not getting paid enough to be able to save for a life when this is OVER. What then? You will not have a job history (other than caregiving which is NOT nothing; you may well get a good job on that qualification alone). And your family, now so unwilling to help you, will swoop in and kick you out of grandma's home if that's where you are staying.
I worry for you. Protect and plan so well as you are able.
I'm sorry for all you're going through and your aloneness in all this.