Follow
Share

She's been in her new efficiency apartment for one week now. Last week, my husband and I moved most of her stuff. The next morning, I took her over with the last of her stuff so she would be there in time to go to lunch. I had a kind of bad cough and laryngitis so they made us covid test and allowed us in since we were negative. I was like NOOOOOO! Imagine showing up with a VERY reluctant parent and then being sent back home with this unhappy mom? I can't think of many worse things at the moment. While waiting for the results I was not happy. I had tested at home a few days prior so I wasn't too worried, but you just never know. OK, passed through that hurdle. But I was told not to come back until I was better. Honestly it was good on some levels but I did feel bad. And she was definitely angry with her new situation. One morning, I called 4 times when she was very likely in her room within spitting distance of the phone. I figured maybe something was wrong with her phone, or more likely that she was ghosting me so I called the nurses station which her room is very close to and left that information on their voicemail. Miraculously, she called me back about 20 minutes later. Ahhh, they're so cute at the age. Since this stupid cough is the type that likes to hang around for a long time, I just got to go back yesterday, 6 days after she moved in. She's done, for the most part, with being mad. Still going through a big adjustment but much more accepting of it now.



Having some communication issues between admissions and the nursing staff. They don't seem to yet understand that mom has DEMENTIA. For example, there is trash collection twice a week. You leave it near the door so that they can just open the door and grab it. I told them - if you don't tell her to do it at the right time, it's NOT going to get done. They do her laundry - they do the personal laundry right on her floor, and linens get sent downstairs. When I finally came back, there was her hamper with very little in it and the laundry basket had a bunch of stuff in it, on the floor, near the closet and the hamper. Silly me, I asked her if it was all dirty or what was going on?? When will I learn not to just blurt out the questions I'm thinking?? Her short term memory is so bad that she usually can't remember anything so whey do I ask?? I have to get better at catching myself from making this mistake. As I started dumping the basket contents into the hamper she then decides to tell me that they're clean after saying they were dirty 2 minutes ago. UGHHHH!!! Another thing that I had to tell the staff that they need to do differently. They are going to leave her clean, folded clothes on her bed so that she'll be forced to put them away and not get them confused. Hmm, nice plan but who knows if it will work.



Of course, the obligatory complaints about the food. I'm sure they're true. I haven't seen the food but I would NOT want to eat it. We cook high quality food, mostly organic, mostly whole foods, and she's getting a lot of cheap carby foods. Can't wait to see what her blood work numbers look like next time after eating all this crap. Oh well. It's part of the tradeoff of pros and cons. This Friday they do have a nice thing where a staff person if taking orders for Chinese food takeout so they can have that instead of the slop from the institutional kitchen.



They have a buddy system so her neighbor, who thankfully is very sweet, picks her up and they walk down together. They sit with another lady, for now. The lady usually at their table has been sick so mom is in her seat. Which the other lady never lets her forget! I guess she's quite the character. When the sick lady comes back, Mom and her buddy are moving to a new table since this is only a table for 3. Any day now.



I'm trying to get them to be more assertive with mom. I told them, if you ASK her if she wants help in the shower, she'll say no. I'm trying to get them to use a theraputic fib. Don't ask!

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
I found that with my mom’s dementia, she didn’t have the initiative to ask for help.

Initiative goes out the window with dementia.

If she was in need of something, *I* had to do the asking, especially in the beginning, when the staff was just getting to know her. Otherwise, I would just get frustrated with my mother, who didn’t have it in her any longer to ask anybody for anything.

I agree on the showering 2x/week, if your Mom needs it. She’s paying the big bucks for that.
(0)
Report

Again100, I know you do not want mom in Memory Care and it's a good idea to ward it off for as long as possible, I agree with that. As long as she's not wandering out any exit doors or into other people's apartments, she should be okay for the time being. In hindsight, I should've waited another year to place mom in MC, but my hands were tied due to the fact that she needed SO MUCH more one-on-one help from going into a wheelchair, AND her dementia had progressed as well.

I would def speak to whoever is in charge about showering mom 2x a week, that is the standard in AL. Who cares if they 'have time' or not? As long as she's being BILLED the full amount every month, then she EXPECTS the standard of care to be the FULL magilla, period.

She does need time to adjust w/o thinking you'll be there to settle EVERY single tiny issue that crops up; that's where she needs to learn to ask for help from the STAFF and and rely more on herself. It does take a while for the elders to adjust to the new lifestyle, that's for sure.

I'm glad you are happy to have your house back, YAY! Life is good.
(1)
Report

Mom was showered at least 2x a week. One is not enough in my opinion. In between I asked the aides to wash under her armpits and make sure they put deoderant on her daily. They could wash with a wipe just as long as they cleaned there.

The laundry, should have been folded so you know its clean. Even at Moms NH they put clothes on hangers and hung them in the closet. Moms AL was a mixture of people. No separation between AL and MC. You may find that Mom needs a higher level of care than an AL can give. She may need Memory care.

I would talk to the aide who does Moms laundry and ask if she could put Moms clothes away. If you could not tell the difference between clean and dirty clothes, Mom may have played with them. Which she can do when left on her bed. My Mom took clean clothes off the hanger and thru them in the wash basket. Talk to the Administrator and ask what criteria there is for laundry being left for a resident with Dementia to be put away. I did my Moms laundry in the AL since I lived 5 min up the road.

Trash collection, the Housekeeper did this at Moms AL. When they cleaned her room, they bagged her trash and placed it outside the door to pickup later. Same with soiled diapers and wipes. They were immediately bagged up and placed outside the door and housekeeping picked it up. No special days as such.

Just my opinion, but if you are having a problem with staff not recognizing Mom has Dementia, then maybe Mom should be in MC where they only take those suffering from a Dementia. Was not Mom evaluated for her level of care before she entered the AL. Did you not sit down and have a meal there before u chose the place? I was shown by a director at one place I looked at exactly how the laundry was done. They kept MC and AL separate.

Mom is in a new place, new surroundings that is going to take her time to acclimate herself to. You may see some decline. She is in a strange place. I too believed that the more Mom did for herself the better but it really doesn't work that way. Its not like a stroke where the more they do they can retrain the brain, Dementia the brain is dying. Reminding Mom that its trash time does not mean she will remember what "trashtime" means. If there is no trash outside the door, the aide is just going to need to go in and get it. To me this is common sense. Please, do not expect out of Mom. Her brain is just all jumbled up. A calender will not help. That phone call she didn't pick up may not have been ghosting it may have just been she forgot how to use the phone. And if she knew what she was doing, she has a right to be mad. Maybe an aide helped her make the call.

I was only 5 min away from my Mom. I was able to check in daily. I never worried about her. She was kept mostly in the common area where she could be watched. It was a one story building so she was able to walk around the hall always ending up back in the common area. I had my OCDs that I needed to get over. Mom was safe, clean and well cared for.
(1)
Report

Thanks Lea. Their shower schedule is once a week. Maybe more if they have time. Seems like not enough to me. Maybe when I'm there I'll have her to take a shower, doing her best like she did here and then a good shower with a helper.

Good point about a care conference.

Of course I don't say anything to her about the food being crappy. I'm sure she'll gain weight cuz I'm sure she's eating plenty. Oh well.

I don't want to micromanage her life there but I also don't want her floundering. She'll adjust but it takes time, from what I hear.

From my MILs many years in a senior housing apartment building, I know how catty even the old ladies can be. It's kind of sad that it just never ends! So, hopefully mom will find her people as time goes on. I know I can't believe 90% of what my mom tells me about ANYTHING so I'll just look at her stories about "that lady" as entertainment.

I'm not worrying too much. It feels so nice to have my house back. I can leave a mess wherever I want, do projects without a million questions, etc etc. Little things but they mean a lot.
(2)
Report

Showers should be scheduled 2x a week for your mom and posted somewhere in her apt. You don't ask a resident or use therapeutic fibs with them....you schedule their showers on certain days and times, that's how it should work. Make sure you know the care plan that's in place for mom and that they have a quarterly care plan conference with you whereby you can talk over your concerns.

Its the law that the residents complain about the food. If I were you, I wouldn't vocalize MY feelings about it being carby slop and not the organic delights she's accustomed to. You'd be surprised at how tasty carby slop can truly BE. My mother gained a LOT of weight with the "horrible food and tiny portions" they served her in AL and MC. She still lived to 95 which was too long for her situation with advanced dementia, imo.

I also would try not to micromanage her life in AL. She'll manage. And if she can't, they'll recommend Memory Care when her dementia gets bad enough. You'll be the first to know if she's not thriving, trust me on that

The ladies always gripe at one another, it's what they do. And they're very territorial and jealous too! 🙄 They're always starting up SOME llama drama crap between them, so prepare yourself. I always listened w one ear bc half of what mom said was bull and the other half was chit 🤣. On that note, be certain to FACT CHECK what mom tells you if it sounds off in ANY way. Chances are good that it is.

Its a good thing they don't want sick visitors at the ALF, or people who appear to be sick. The last thing you want is mom catching all sorts of creeping crud from visitors bringing it into the bldg. I was never allowed into mom's place if I even said I had a stomach ache! True story.

Sounds like mom is doing fine and things are moving along in the right direction! Get some rest and don't spend your time worrying about mom, she'll be fine!
(5)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter