What surprised you most about your parents as they aged? Were you prepared emotionally for the changes in their lives?
We seldom think about aging parents when we are young. Most people aren’t mature enough in their youth to realize all of the challenges that our parents will face in their time of need.
It makes me wonder if we could have somehow been prepared to handle these situations.
Most of us are blindsided by an avalanche of issues all at once. The situation becomes confusing and frustrating.
How can we prepare future generations to be better able to deal with caring for elderly parents?
I have already told my children that I will not rely upon them for my own care. This is because of my own personal experience with caring for my parents. The sacrifices on my part were too great and I want to spare my children that heartache.
Why do you suppose that it is awkward for some people to bring up the topic of aging with their children? Where else should this topic be discussed? Schools? Churches and synagogues?
Do you feel that there should be more talk about aging in general in our communities so that children are better educated on this topic?
People are living longer and have many health issues to contend with. Modern medicine is both a blessing and a curse.
We are kept alive but so often our quality of life is certainly less than we desire. Most of us will find ourselves in need of caregivers. More and more facilities are being built for the future. Caregiving has become a huge business!
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When she stopped driving due to her age and the onset of dementia I was there to do everything for her. My brother & his kids did not help at all and refused to believe she had dementia…….they would say she was just forgetful.
So what really surprised me was after arguments with my brother how easily he got her to turn against myself & my family. We could no longer see her or speak to her because he didn’t want her to & she went along with it including talking bad about me to others. She believed all his lies about me.
He got other family members involved & my family relationships are gone forever.
In the end she chose him over me and to this day I still have a hard time dealing with it.
No-one wants a big stroke. It's bad. A big stroke when spouse has memory issues & unable to arrange your care, worse.
Your 6th sense to get those ducks in a row was well timed.
Actually instead of wonderful futuristic shiny metals with no faces they'll be all soft skin-like covered humanoid replicates & I'll be just as embarressed. Dang
One spouse inevitably declines faster than the other, so the healthier person's world suddenly becomes limited by what the sicker spouse can do. In my parents' case, my mother started losing her sight through macular degeneration when she was about 75, and that's when everything started becoming focused on health issues instead of their "golden years." My dad was in pretty good health overall until one day he wasn't and the doctor told him he had inoperable cancer at 88. Suddenly he was the one whose abilities defined what their future would look like. He died after just six weeks of illness, and my mother lived another 2.5 years after that.
So, the beginning of their aging difficulties until the very end lasted 17 years. That was pretty depressing to realize.
My father died when he was 54, of medicine induced lymphoma/preleukemia. He and my mother had all the arrangements done; he was only on hospice for less than a week.
My mother passed at 69, we pretty much estranged probably the last 4 years of her life. We struggled to figure her life and her wishes. My mother was a mess mentally so there were some very strange things we had to work around.
I have a brother who is 62 right now, about 10 years older than me my head has always been a little morbid about my brothers age, I just wanted him to get to 54, now the goal is 69. My brother and I were estranged for about 10 years, because my mother played us off of each other. We started working on our relationship once my mom tried to commit suicide the second time.
So, no, now that my in laws are in their 80's I am not surprised at all. I was actually a little jealous, since up until this year they have been extremely able bodied. Their aging is actually eye opening and a learning experience. I do look at them and feel this is what is supposed to happen. I found it frustrating that my husband and I had to basically force the issue of getting their estate plan done, since it felt like it wasn't our place, yet it needed to be done.
The in laws started hinting around they may need some help. In April of 2022 I had dug up information and printed it out for my husband, so he had some guidelines on how to create a plan. Once he started going through everything, we agreed we needed to put the brakes on and get a professional involved. My husband was not in a rush and just kept putting on the back burner, to the point we were get into arguments about it. My fil is very old school, he didn't understand why he needed to do some of the paperwork. Even though my fil knew his wife was having memory issues, he didn't think about if her issues advancing, so he kept saying she will make the decisions. His sister thought all you needed to do is put their names on all the accounts and that would be fine. A basic estate plan was finalized with a lawyer I believe in Dec. of 2022. Then my fil had his debilitating stroke Feb 2023.
There are many days my husband and I are so grateful it got done before the stroke, we don't know why I had the drive to get it done and it was hard on us at the time but now we are just so grateful.
I certainly never thought my mom would live to be 95. Her mom died at 85. Her dad died at 79. My dad died at age 85 and his parents died before I was even born.
My grandfather died at 79 but many of his siblings died in their late 90’s. I have a cousin on mom’s side of the family that is 100 years old and still going strong!
Grandpa smoked and he had emphysema or else I bet that he would have lived as long as many of his siblings.
Thanks for your response to my posting. I enjoyed reading your comments.
I especially liked how you brought up that past generations kept everything to themselves. It’s so true. They held many secrets that they never considered sharing with their children.
They were quick to say, “The good old days.” Yes, they did have special times, but I feel that being open and discussing important matters is the way to establish trust and intimacy within a family relationship.
There is a different type of pride in each different generation also, so some of the older people I know are very prideful and private, they don't want to burden or worry anyone else.
Quite frankly, I also believe our world has changed so much so fast, that some things can be very overwhelming to older people. Some may be trying to be technology savvy, yet things have changed so quickly. They get all the warnings of scams and such, to the point it creates paranoia and worry in them. Yet they may not be up on you can deposit checks in your account using your phone. They may be older bookkeepers so they don't realize how much is available without have copies and files for everything.
I do compare this a lot to the fact most Mother's didn't talk to their daughters about menopause, or Father's not talking to their sons about prostrate health. Heck some families won't even share medical issues that the next generation may be able to prevent or watch for. Since you don't talk about your problems.
Through our trails with trying to support and care for my in laws, we have kept our young adult sons in the loop. As to prepare them for what may happen to us. We have to get our estate plan in place, and we have to think about the worst-case scenario's.
It takes being open with your children and wanting to teach them to help everyone in the future.
That’s true that some parents have blinders on. Others have been selfish and mean their entire lives. Those parents should definitely be placed in a facility and they should never be allowed to live in their children’s homes.
We also need to continue to educate people about dementia. I think the fear of dementia is so strong that children are often in denial of a parent having it.
I also feel like many of us say, that won’t happen in our family. My mom/dad is so with it! Or we think that our parents are being contrary when they are struggling to cope in life.
I am at the age where my doctor has started asking me about falls! Geeeeez, this makes me feel so old. 😆
I am curious. Do doctors look at cognitive abilities as we age or do they only address it when a family member brings up the topic?
I don’t know if we can prepare for when they don’t realize or acknowledge they need help. They have blinders on .