When you caregive out of duty rather than love...

I forget the name of the author but the title of the book is "The Five Languages of Love". It's a book geared towards counseling married couples. However, I (single) can relate to one of the languages - which is the love language of Duty. Growing up, we never said "I love you" to each other but we did things - our love language of Duty - out of love for each other. I never told my father I loved him - but I cared form as a form of duty and responsibility and this is how I showed my "love. I'm doing the same right now for my mother. All families express "love" differently. In mine, actions outweighed the words.

How awful for you Llamalover. My childhood pales in comparison to yours. I'm so sorry. I'm glad the offender (your uncle) is not able to molest anyone else.

What the h*ll was wrong with your mother? Doesn't sound like she stood up for you. Shame on her.

Down with crappy parents! Boo!

SueC1957: I am so sorry that you went through HELL! I had an uncle who molested me and my own mother kept in contact with him until his death a few years ago! Something was wrong with my mother!

Diane,
Reading your post caught me off guard. I've never met anyone who has told their parent what they thought of them (negatively) on their death bed. I certainly don't fault you for it-your childhood must have been hell. I'm not sure I could have done it, in case I would feel bad about doing it afterward. I'm glad you still had a few hours to let her know your feelings.
In reading your post, it brought back lots of things that my parents said, that I've repressed. Parents can be so mean and ugly. I was a little girl that grew into a fairly well behaved teen and then a responsible young woman. This is what came back from my earlier life and popped into my head after I read your post.

Mom (1962) "Don't hug me-you'll muss my hair." She had just come from the salon.
I was 5.
(1968) "I don't use this type of cologne." (scowling) It was a Christmas gift that I bought from the 5 and dime store, with coins I had saved. I was 11.
(1972) "Can't you do something with that long, straggly hair?" I was 15.
(1976) "When are you going to loose weight? You're getting too fat. I was 19.

Dad (1965) "You little slut." I was 8 and didn't know what a "slut" was. He was drunk.
(1969) "Get the hell out of my sight." as he was throwing a crystal ashtray at my head. Drunk again. I was 12.
(1975) I decided to take a year off between high school and college to work. "You'll never amount to anything. You'll just get get pregnant and be a looser."
(1979) My graduation day from nursing school. I was the class valedictorian. "I'll give you a present when you graduate as a nurse practitioner." (Sober that day.)
(1983) We had Christmas at our house. He received lots of nice gifts, had a great meal with tons of leftovers to go home with, got a ride to and from our house. I "caught" him drinking vodka straight out of the bottle from our liquor cabinet. I got pissed and told him off. Two days later he told me, "That was the worst Christmas that I ever had in my life." (He was never invited back.)

Moms and Dads are supposed to love and nuture you or at least be neutral and non-offensive. Instead, some of us get the booby prize with exquisitely bad parents. Why?

Maybe to make US into great parents. I thought that's what happened. I think I did most things right with my son. I sacrificed bible study classes for hockey practice, assisted with complex science projects, hugged and kissed the daylights out of him. But I have been financially and emotionally abused and lied to by my son. We don't have any relationship anymore and don't talk.

It's not really fair that I struck out on BOTH sides. I figured the torment I got from my folks would make me a better mother. Obviously, that wasn't the case. I'm sad for loosing out BEING the kid and HAVING the kid. Oh well. I guess, in a way, it's made me a stronger person.

Unfortunately, most people wouldn't give to a relationship what I would. I've learned to hold my outgoing personality, inside. Now I'm cautious and don't bend over backwards to assist friends and relatives. I still love giving and donating my time to the less fortunate (animals too) because you can see they really do appreciate it.

Too bad my own family has turned me into someone I was not. I hope to enjoy what time I've got left (especially retirement) but also await my time to depart this earth and finally live with unconditional acceptance. I can hear Him saying at the Pearly Gates, "Come on in, Sue, I want you just as I made you." :)

Rosyday - thank-you for opening up this discussion. I want to love my mom & dad as a daughter should, but I can't. I could never figure out why my mom seemed to hate my brother & me so much. She was always mad about something & terrorized us with her temper. I wondered why she ever had kids. Dad was submissive & never knew how to deal with her. In later life, I figured out she raised us just as she had been - with anger, harshness, suspicion, & abuse. I have now been my parents' caregiver, off & on, for about 10 years, much of that time with them living 370 miles away. They are now in AL in my town. Dad, at 92 is in pretty good shape considering his past health problems. Mom...not so much. At 88, she has speech & memory deficits from a stroke & advanced COPD from years of smoking. I manage her meds, both with MD appointments, pay bills (they have a trust), & try to give them outings once in a while. They are 180 degrees in behavior from what they were when I was growing up -always thanking me, very appreciative, etc. While I'm glad about that, I feel like I'm doing this out of obligation not love, & I can't return their feelings. And for this, I feel guilty. It will be a relief when they are gone.  One of my concerns is what am I going to say at Mom's funeral? I started composing a eulogy that is respectful, but not emotional, as most would be. I just can't feel it & it makes me sad. It has been reassuring to read these comments & know I'm not alone. What's done is done...

No one is bound to a chain that essentially says "caregiver." That said, you usually do it out of love, necessity, but it doesn't mean that you're a bad person if you're not the caregiver. My own late mother hurled a nasty remark at me "You're Hitler." Really? !!

Diane316,

I read your comments of a few hours ago ("Good morning....") and keep going back to them in my head. I could have written them myself: our circumstances are so similar...almost. How many times have I fantasized about doing what you actually did: purge all my anger toward my mother as she lay dying; finally saying all those things I wanted to say but held back.... I think of all the crushing, soul-sucking things Mom has said to me over the years; so outrageous, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. If they did a chest x-ray on Mom, you'd see a gaping hole where her heart's supposed to be.

I suspect if I did say those things it would have felt really good at first ...... then later I'd drown in guilt and regret. And besides, I think I'd feel like Mom got the last laugh...of provoking me into a clone of herself, which is something she's always wanted. I have to check myself, often. "Do I sound like Mom? Did I behave like Mom?" God forbid!

There's a physical resemblance when I look in the mirror. People say I look a lot like her, and I can accept that. But beyond that I will banish anything of her manipulative and punishing nature, bitterness, jealousy, and self-pity. I won't be like her!

What I have done to manage my anger is to write letters to Mom and put them through the shredder. I've got files and files of creative writing stored on my hard drive. I'll bet you can guess the theme: the heart of child broken by her mother.

So that's how I'm managing my pain. I can't fault you on how you managed yours; no, not for a minute. Because you, Diane, and only you know what you endured at your mother's hands. When you said "You robbed me of friends and love. You told me I wouldn't amount to anything," I had to wipe away the tears. I think I understand something of your feelings.

When Mom is gone, my memories won't be happy ones. If my last years find me drowning in dementia, (or even if they don't), I hope my children and grandchildren have a bank of sweet memories of loving and being loved. Because in the end, nothing else really matters.

Yes thank you Rosyday for starting this thread. Family is not people we choose but who are chosen for us and from where I'm standing I think it doesn't work for most people. I too don't love my narcissistic mother. She's an absolute pain in the ass and even though I'm the one (along with my wonderful partner) that takes care of her, she will give my brother (who does nothing) unconditional love. It's a maddening situation. From the outside looking in so many people see all the excellent care I give my mother as a large sign of my love for her. They are wrong, it is totally about doing the right thing. But one day a very good friend of mine (one of the few friends who will actually step up to the plate and help) said this to me: "Well considering how negatively you feel towards your mother you are to be commended even more for the excellent care you give her." So Rosyday, not only should you not feel guilty you should realize what an incredible giving human being you are for giving such dedicated care DESPITE how you feel. It's a lot easier to take care of someone you love. So give yourself a giant pat on the back and drop the guilt - it simply doesn't apply - far from it!

I'm so glad I read this thread this morning...esp. AmberA's comments. Despite the fact that my mother is narcissistic and we never had a close relationship -- after my dad passed away 5 years ago, I have been picking up after Mom -- she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's this year ... after fighting with her over her meds, spoiled food in the pantry and refrigerator, unpaid or 'double-paid' bills, lost jewelry and wallet-- it was a struggle to get her to give up driving and let us (brother and I) put some organization in the chaos. Meanwhile my husband's lung and neurological conditions are worsening - so I feel like a robot most of the time. Thank you - all of you for your comments; it has help me as well as Rosyday... and thank YOU Rosyday for starting this thread.

The father of a friend left the family when my friend was a teenager. My friend had a younger brother; their mother was ill and required total care. Fast forward about 40 years. The father was ill and had nowhere to live. My friend allowed him to live rent-free in one of her homes. He eventually entered a nursing facility, where she visited often enough to assure herself he was receiving the care he needed. She felt no love for him, but felt she met her minimum responsibility to ensure he received care.

A few days ago I was in the drug store, struggling to choose a Christmas card for Mom, who is 92 and in memory care. I wish they had more Mother's Day, Birthday, and Christmas cards with simply stated messages sans the sentimental mush I can't feel inside. I gave up and walked out. I'll just send her one of my generic "Seasons Greetings" cards. Proof again I can't give up the fantasy that never was.

Mom told me years ago my brother and I were accidents, that caring for us was stressful and "she had no help." I know and understand Mom was poorly prepared emotionally for motherhood, that something went wrong in her developmental years to make her the miserable woman she was and is.

I envy those who shed tears for loved ones who pass away. When Mom goes, I'm not sure what I'll feel. Relief, no doubt for both of us, that she might find peace in the next life she never had in this one. Maybe by that time I'll have already grieved and put away my longing for a mother-daughter relationship. Being Mom's emotional caretaker for as long as I can remember, I think mine will be more like the grief one feels for a loss of a child. Trying to shed that role has been a decades-long endeavor that never quite gets done.

But as I stated earlier, Mom is 92 and fueled by hate, 99% of it directed at me. I let memory care and other family members deal with her face-to-face. I care for her like a brownie or elf, paying her bills, managing her medical care, sending her stuff in the mail. I seldom show my face.

Rosyday and Treeartist.....this is just howI feel. I don’t feel like I’m the only one, now.

Thank you for posting this .
Both of my parents were COLD for lack of a better word. My mother was cold and cruel physically and mentally abusive but I forgave her many years ago but you never forget. My father never laid a hand on any of us but he was emotionally distant and really I never felt a single moment of love coming from him . He died 5 years ago I had no animosity towards him but I felt very little towards him either way . For the past 3 years my job is taking care of my mother who has pretty severe dementia at this stage. I am the eldest of five living children and I suppose my order of birth has left me with the feeling of responsibility for her. I am now 63 and want to enjoy my free time but I have no free time and cannot leave the house for more than an hour. I also feel uneasy when I must comfort her emotionally and tell her I love her. Picking out a birthday or Christmas card was always a nightmare but that has passed since she can't read them anymore. I feel guilty for feeling guilty I wish someone had a magic wand to help me get rid of my guilt I tell myself all the time what are you feeling guilty about you've been taking care of her now for three years you've given up your life to move out of state to make her more comfortable you don't feel guilty you feel stupid but my sense of Duty continues to push me forward. On the bright side and dementia has made her a more pleasant easy going person had she still been the mean-spirited angry person I grew up with I don't think I would have been able to have done this. Thank you for letting me vent.

Folamix,
I used to go see Mom every day. I cut it down to everyother day and weekends were mine.

I took care of my dad out of responsibility. But in the 7.5 years of helping him, I learned who my dad was and while I never thought I'd cry when he passed - I did and it felt wonderful.

Some comes from the mistaken belief that our parents are perfect. No, they're not.
Looking at things from Dad's perspective changed a lot of my preconceived notions. He played Devil's Advocate to Mom's Angel. But neither of them was perfect and they did the best they could.

None of us comes with an instruction manual.

If the worst lie you tell is, "I love you." - believe me, God will bless you for that little white lie.

It's too late for your mother to go back and change things.  It wasn't until the last year with Dad that he asked me if he was a terrible father.  I only asked him if he did the best he knew how and he said that he did.  I told him, no one can expect more than your best.

Later I remembered that he was raised without a father, during the depression, and was sent out to work because the family needed the money.  I was so glad that I didn't say more than I did.  He had no father example and just "winged" it the best he could, working double shifts to meet the needs of his family.

Rosyday (and all of you in our boat!),
I could have written your letter as well as all of the other contributions. Thank you all for your honesty. It really helps me know my thinking is common, understood and validated.
I think I once loved my mom, too, but as I grew older I began to suspect she was only pretending to love me. I was adopted as a 6 week old after 7 years of my parents trying to have a child of their own. My daddy was heartbroken that he would not have a child. I think mom "loved" him and decided that 'he' wanted a child so she suggested adoption. (I was told this about 6 years ago. She messed up and did not say 'we'. I might also add "he could not get her pregnant!" Who tells their child this? I had not asked.)
About 3 months ago we were discussing the fact that she constantly lies to her AL Memory Care aids about me. I told her it would have been better for her, not my father, if she had had a biological child that was more like her. I think she was shocked because her misperception that she could enforce her will upon me and make me an extension of herself possibly dawned on her and she thought she had fooled me. I asked her how her father treated her when he was drunk and she answered honestly for the first time in her life that he physically, verbally and emotionally abused her. The damage forced her to become narcissistic and she played her role beautifully to her teacher coworkers, students and friends. No one in my tiny home town knows the truth about her inability to love me and the emotional, manipulative and ignoring abusive side of her.
I spent my years performing for her, making her look good, being a good little daughter and making them proud- many things trying to win her approval and love. My daddy truly unconditionally loved me but for mom it was always conditional. He died in '93 when my youngest was 2. Fortunately, since high school I have always lived just under 3 hours away. She was not overly involved in my children's lives but has been a fairly good grandmother and only occasionally manipulated them. She never wanted to move here after daddy died which I find odd now that I have grands of my own!! Her health forced the move as I am an only child.
I spent my life thinking my birthmother didn't love me enough to keep me and this was encouraged thinking by mom. This wasn't the case as I found out through DNA which located my bio families. Hers was a true sacrifice of love to give me two parents because she was unmarried and alone. She died before I found her but have bio family that have filled in the details. I also have a biological Pops, who loves me unconditionally. We are so much alike! I will not tell mom about him for very good reason.
As mom grew older and needed help after total knee replacement she came to live with us while we got her to PT and set up with a BiPap for undiagnosed sleep apnea. She moved back home 3 hours away for about a year. When I found my deceased mother while I was looking for medical history purposes, pushed and encouraged by my mom, her life fell apart, especially after I found a half sister. She was jealous of a dead woman who gave her a child! There was no competition for her unless a sister and an uncle living 8 hours away from me in differing directions could. I read that narcissists fear abandonment and this seemed to be true for mom. That she wanted me to feel abandoned by my bio family when it is her biggest fear truly blows my mind.
I have been to therapy to discuss my mom issues although he tells me I have done the work myself by coming here to AC, reading about daughters of narcissism and reading up in a Facebook group. I am learning to forgive her and am trying to honor her as my faith encourages me to.
The latest blow is that she has told all her caregivers that "I am not her daughter, that she never had children". My birth certificate says differently as well as her durable POA. It hurts very much even though I am not surprised by this.
I am definitely doing this oversight caregiving role out of a sense of duty and have a hard time thinking about "play acting my part" at her eventual (we are many years away) funeral at my father's former funeral home his family owned.
I continue to pray for the grace needed for all of us for our caregiving journeys and for the healing of our hearts damaged by our loved ones. I hope you all have a time of respite during this busy holiday season.

My parents divorced when I was 12 and my sister was 5, and my first husband and I divorced when my children were 8 and 2. Both my parents died after short illnesses at ages 63 and 80, but I would certainly have been there for my mother despite the fact that we weren't all that close. Neither am I particularly close to my own two children, so I have LTC insurance (two policies) so they won't be overburdened. I have never said that I would not go to a nursing home, and indeed expect to do so, or at least to memory care as I carry a gene for late onset Alzheimer's. They are much relieved at that decision, as their father is now in nursing home (he has Lewy Body dementia), and he fought it every step of the way. They just pray his money don't run out before he dies. At $15,000/month (including a "sitter" for 16 hr) he has about 5 years. He doesn't have high blood pressure or cholesterol so may live a rather long time.

Good morning ....well after reading all the newsy notes.....I am reading about myself...I envy any daughter that has a fabulous close relationship with their mom....my mom passed away 11 years ago and I do not miss her one bit...I will tell you what I did that made me feel good inside...the day before she died she was still able to respond even though her eyes were closed...I leaned over into her ear and I said mom, if you can hear me stick out your tongue; and she did...well then, I leaned into her ear and I whispered this...you were the most horrible mother a child could have...you were so mean to us....you hit us for every little thing; I hated my childhood; you robbed me of friends and love,you told me I would not amount to anything...the next morning hospice called and said your mom died and inside I said what took so long...if dancing was allowed my sister would have tap danced on the coffin....our dad was soft and gentle and the most loving person; he died when he was 63...over 40 years ago.....I turned out to be a very kind person..and I swore to myself that I would never be like our mom...a mean and vicious woman.....so do not feel guilt,or feel remorse....we do things out of the kindness of our hearts and never ask for anything in return.....you do what makes you feel comfortable inside...even though you are not appreciated, you are special to your friends and other family members...you will feel tremendous relief when your mom passes......no guilt...you say, wow, finally I am free of her ....no regrets...from that day forward, do not hold on to grudges, do not hold on to anything of hers that will remind you of your mom...move on to a sweeter better life....

My heart goes out to you. You did not say whether you and your mother ever had a loving relationship, but after 18 years of caregiving and with your feelings, which seem to have either changed, or were already very difficult, you are to be applauded for hanging in. Do not feel guilty about the lies you tell. All caregivers do that in one way or another. I take care of my 83 year old husband who in no way resembles the handsome, funny, loving man I married. Every day is such a challenge. Our relationship was already strained before the more severe onset of his dementia, and I cannot honestly say that I feel any sort of romantic affection or love for him, though I look through photos with him which are reminders of happier times.  Most days are filled with angry outbursts and my nights are tearful. But-I will continue to care for him as I would for any human being needing help. We will never be able to afford assisted living, so I am relying a lot on free resources and some help from family members. I care about his welfare even through my frustration and anger, but the love has gone.  So, once again, do not be hard on yourself. You are doing the best that you can. 

wow, I am with you all. I am supersensitive though, and it hurts when my sister (who doesn't do much, is always sick herself, probably gave my mom her cold on Thanksgiving and now I have it, badgers me to tell her I love her. She can tell my mom that she loves her (on the phone) but hasn't been around to change her depends or hand feed her. Yeah, I get cranky and lose patience when I have to sleep on a lousy bed in the same room as her to make sure she is ok, I don't get out much except to get groceries and prescriptions, and "I am cold" according to her. She has no idea when Mom is gone, I will probably not want anything to do with her.

Rosyday, you precisely expressed the dilemma of so many of us. When obligation replaces love (whatever that is for each person), it fosters guilt, which we get enough of externally from those we care for. We want to love, but the stress of trying to fulfill the physical and emotional needs of others that we have accepted in this role of caregiver overwhelms us.

My Mom was very good to us, but very controlling. It was no doubt her way of putting order to her life, which did not go as expected. Her mother died early, then her husband, leaving her to raise two young girls and care for her father. She did a very good job of it all, but never resolved her anger over those deaths. We also learned to lie early to avoid unnecessary conflict.

And now her loss of control and independence just makes her sad and more angry. My sister and I just want true gratitude for all we do, but Mom only seems to be able to complain that we do not do enough. So we are now dutiful, without the warmth we all crave.

Do not feel guilty about not feeling love. You are doing far more than many children would, and have to protect your own emotional well-being.

My husband is and was the love of my life, but the only relationship we've had the last two years has been feeding him and changing his diapers. Of course our feelings change. We are human. I will always remember my tall, dark, handsome man and love him til the day I die. I have compassion for the man he has become, wracked with Parkinson's and dementia, and I will fulfill my wedding vows---in sickness and in health---but, it's not the same. How could it be?

This is what true reality is to all those who want to keep the positive in the fore front, keep in mind that we too will be at this end of the spectrum.

Personal to NANCY178 (and everyone else): Your post upthread was beautiful and really struck me. Your perspective, particularly in the last paragraph, is so true. You helped me enormously, and I hope Rosyday and others hear you. Thank you. I wish peace to all of us on this thread and in this forum. {hug}

count me as one more who 'could have written this'. i am compelled to cite - and thank - some commenter's:
Treeartist: yes, i will cry. oddly, i still haven't for my father, who passed 2 yrs ago. he knew i loved him, identified with him, so in some weird way my heart didn't need to cry. but i predict crying when mom passes - out of some guilt for this feeling of obligation???
SueC: yeah, the relationship just was never there...altho i and my 3 sisters all do agree on one negative part of her personality, there was no actual mistreatment, just not the chemistry
madzeena: "...all [we] can muster given the shredder of emotions that alzheimer's is..."
Nancy178: "We cry because we wished we could have been better, showed more love...then we cry because we know we will never see them again...all that bitterness for having to be "stuck" with it...turns into loving memories...time heals all wounds, right? ...soon we no longer remember the awfulness of it...but only remember them with love". beautifully expressed.
pattiac: worth repeating: "...sense of relief...but no regrets...a strong support system (family, friends, doctors, senior social workers, etc.), knowing how to anticipate manipulation and the person's "modus operandi", setting boundaries, having a sense of humor, and being true to oneself is vital...to find a way to maintain [our/caregivers'] lives so [we] come out of it intact as an individual and able to move forward."
murph:  "not waste our energy on guilt..."

[[[ lastly: the earlier comments have received many 'hearts' - later ones, fewer. just one 'ocd's' observation, hehe. would like to say these later comments are as thoughtful and supportive as those who show more votes. thank you all :) ]]]

I think we, as caregivers, have to let go of the mom fairytale. My mom wasn't perfect before alzheimers, and I don't care for her out of a deep, unabiding love; the care comes from the reality of the situation. Our sense of responsibility is admirable - but that same sense of responsibility has to extend to our own mental health. Let's not waste our precious energy on guilt. It won't change a thing.

It is hard when the person you are caring for didn’t give you a healthy relationship with them growing up. Often, as my therapist told me, they want you to suffer along with them. And that is a root cause for their actions towards us. It is ok not to have these strong feelings of love when you weren’t parented lovingly. Start by understanding that and forgive yourself that you are not wrong for feeling this way. A friend of mine cared for her demented mother who abused her both physically and verbally when she was a child. She recognized her mother as a sufferer even then. She was able to care for her by thinking of her as mother Theresa would. Now that’s pretty amazing to me as I’m not there. But when we can detach from them as not having been a good parent and look at then through the eyes as they are another human being and that we are vessels of compassion. If you believe in Jesus...then you can say I am the hands and feet of Jesus. It takes a lot of detachment to do that and self care and in my case talk therapy and reading. It is not easy. But it has helped me. All of us are walking a difficult journey. This group is caring and helpful!! Bless you all.

Rosyday, you have my sympathy and empathy. Do not feel guilty. There are so many walking in your shoes. I feel like no more than an employee for my mother: chauffeur, errand girl, cook, shopper, listening board, computer/security camera technician, and repair coordinator. Mother is a manipulative martyr. My only sibling and I wonder why she even had children, as she spent all her loving and pleasant interactions on her school children who adore her to this day. As her health and my sister's health have significantly deteriorated, I gave up my career (and income) to be a caregiver. Hugging and kissing my mother is like doing it to a wall. But she can turn on the loving charm with friends, former students, neighbors, physicians and nurses, investors, her attorney, just like flipping a light switch--they don't know her at home. I push myself to help my mother, my husband helps when he can, and I allow myself space and "me time" away from her. Tough when the search for reliable housekeepers and paid caregivers to give relief has yielded terrible results for her and other ill/elderly family members in this very rural setting. Services for hire that exist in cities are not available here, unfortunately. I wish you strength and good health.

Everyone's comments have come at a perfect time for me. I have moved into my father's home and left my life to take care of him. He lives 700 miles away. I am doing this now out of duty. I pray for strength and patience for all of us. Between his health issues and the dementia at 94 I feel that I can't go on most days. Demonstrative personality ,his accusations, he says I am stealing, really I believe his demeanor is just enhanced by dementia. Sad that I couldn't establish a real relationship with him before he passes. He reduces me to being a ten year old still.regret promising my sister that I would take care of him. At least I have comfort that I am not alone. Thank you

Rosyday, you are among many who care for family members out of a sense of duty and what their loving and giving hearts compel them to do. I've been the parent to my narcissistic mother and alcoholic father (who died years ago) since childhood. Looking back, I can see how my mother groomed me to seek and act on her approval. Out of duty, expectation, and love, I cared for my aunts and now my mother. It was easier when my aunts were still live, because they were like mothers to me, loving and appreciative. Now it's my mother, who doesn't see me as a person ("I love you for all you do for me" was a recent statement). However, I could never abandon her because of my own sense of duty, not because she ever showed love or did anything for me unless it had something to do with her. My mother is the most draining person and has no one left but me, her only child, to take care of her. Thankfully, by her own choice, she lives independently in a nearby apartment. A wise friend told me long ago to accept what and how she can "love" me, and there will be no regrets when she passes. A sense of relief, but definitely no regrets. Having a strong support system (family, friends, doctors, senior social workers, etc.), knowing how to anticipate manipulation and the person's "modus operandi", setting boundaries, having a sense of humor, and being true to oneself is vital. I pray for people dealing with a person in this situation, and to find a way to maintain their lives so they can come out of it intact as an individual and able to move forward.