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I think my post was removed because people were making nasty comments about me and I called someone a bully.

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Billy, I don't know how much access you have, but I live in good size town in which there is an AA or an Al Anon just around every single corner, in any church and etc. In fact, when I first attended an Al Anon meeting I was told "If we aren't the right group for you just keep looking, because they honestly vary and they tend to attract certain "types" that find community within. So for a while go to one this week and another another week. You will find home.

I went for support regarding a family member's struggle. I didn't need to attend long, but I was utterly amazed by the community there. Just a FINE group. Yeah, a few had a day when they needed "a whine", but that's OK.

I later attended AA more than a few times with my brother and his partner, who was an alcoholic. Again, this was a community in which there were more than a few options--Palm Springs in California. But wow, I was so impressed. I mean, I wanted to attend just because it was kind of Church without being Church (I am an atheist and I truly all my life have missed out on the "community" that church can be).

Anyway, good luck on finding a good fit there!
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I'm involve in 12-step recovery. We have meetings, and people use them as "dumps" for their anger, frustrations etc. Once in a while is acceptable, but some folks over-do this "venting", and others lash out.
I pray for, and avoid them.
They don't deserve room in my head.
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I read the newest comments and really appreciate them - thanks!
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Bullies are everywhere, in real life and on the internet.

Even those who don’t stand up for others, are a type of bully, too. It isn’t only what you do, but what you don’t do, to support someone.

OP, you are not too sensitive, and you haven’t mis-read anything. Bullies are real. A bully won’t admit they’re a bully. And those who have a bit of bully in them, will defend other bullies.

Spend time with the people who truly care for you. For most people, that’s about one or two people.
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I responded to a comment in another forum years ago with what I'm about to say here.

Often, it is very easy to perceive something as cyberbullying in a support forum - because the advice is not something you want to hear. I'll be honest and say that sometimes when I've received advice in any forum - I have had to take a step back and realize that it isn't personal, even though what is happening to you IS personal. VERY often people can see themselves in our shoes because they have already been in our shoes. And they may be very passionate about a topic because they are trying to spare others the heartache they went through.

Now, name calling and threats are not acceptable. But often we are already in a sensitive place when we come to a forum like this one - and we don't want to hear anything but people agreeing with us. But when you post your situation on a support forum - often the advice you get is not what you thought it would be.

But sometimes - just like when as caregivers we have to make choices for our loved ones that they don't necessarily want or like but are what they NEED, sometimes posters here NEED to hear certain things that they don't want to hear.

I'll give you a good example. When I first came here- my FIL was going to put us all in an early grave. But we wanted to blame him for not doing what we wanted to do. I completely own that. What I learned here - sometimes bluntly - was that WE did have some control. It just wasn't easy and we would have to stiffen our spines and do things that weren't exactly second nature. But the biggest problem we had - was ourselves.

I kept coming back because no matter how the information was delivered - the longer I listened - the more sense it all made. We were our own problem. We were allowing FIL to take advantage and tell four grown adults how all of us were going to live our lives to suit HIS needs and demands.

It took a while to get everyone on board, but after a while, all of that advice paid off.

Had I walked away the first time I got all in my feelings about how I was receiving the information - it NEVER would have happened.

Trust me - there may be some very strong opinions here. I, for one, have certainly developed a very passionate approach since coming here LOL. But it is rare that I see someone bullied by a regular. More often the bullies are people who come in to stir the pot!
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Actually PeggySue: I was just going to acknowledge everyone else who I left out - I feel close to you guys in a weird way and you posted. This is good therapy for me to do it this way. I want everyone to know how I feel, not in private. I have very deep emotions and always feel guilty if I don't acknowledge someone or something. Sorry!
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Romeo, why don’t you just stop with lovebombing people by name in this forum to continue a private relationship with you?
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Isthisreallyreal: I thank you to for being so kind to me. I am NOT writing because I'm bored, as some may think - I have many health issues myself and dealing with my ill husband and over 90 parents - how can one be bored???? Please keep in touch with me to say just "HI".
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Anxietynacy: I in NO way laughed at you - I'm more intelligent than that - you did indeed defend me and I appreciated that to no end! You sound like a kind person and I really felt like you understood me. Please write to me to just say hello - please??? PS: I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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Alva - I like you - just by you being honest and upfront. Actually, my entire family is that way and we think we are helping, but sometimes it hurts. Don't worry about it, and I thank you. I actually "write" poetry that people have said I should publish. I'm not only a "complainer", I am a history and science buff. I don't have friends, but I am very social on the street walking. I am curious about every single thing in life and that's how I learn about the world. So once again, you can write to me whenever you want to - I'm here for you too!
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I don't believe that we all, on Forum, have to like one another. It would be ridiculous to expect such a thing. But I do think we should RESPECT one another, and I think that I have yet again failed in that.

I believe that I personally am the "bully" that Romeo is complaining about.
I said some mean things, and have been told before I tend toward mean.
So I apologize, Romeo. Things I have said to you were uncalled for and were out of place on this Forum.

I am 82. If by now I have not learned to scroll away from things that annoy me without feeling a need to expound at length, there may not be a whole lot of hope for me. But I can TRY to do better, and will promise you I will attempt that.

The reason I think that my mean comments were THE mean comments is that I believe that they were reported and removed. I take seriously our admins critiques.

Another here in a private message told me that while I claim that my tough love is kindly meant, I come across often like the abuser husband who tells his wife he hurt her for her own good. What she said to me initially hurt and angered me. After a few weeks of thinking on it I feel I must OWN what she believes of me, and her criticism is VALID.

I am a lover of Dr Laura (who the rest of the world seems to love to hate) and I have often been most helped by a few hard knocks upside the head; who knows, it's likely a hard hard head. Dense perhaps. I still think our sympathy often doesn't help folks move on to real help.
BUT I have known when I was swinging toward "mean girl" and I didn't monitor myself. I am a bit prideful. A lover of words. A smart alec. To which Dr. Laura would say "We have quite enough SMART people in this world; what we don't have enough of is KIND people".

So, Romeo, I apologize. My behavior was bad and uncalled for.
I will scroll on and leave you to those on Forum who can better help you, and I will wish you the best. I will also say, that in a very real sense, your parents are lucky to have you in the building, and some day you may just feel happy and proud you could help them in this way. You're good at remembering dialog and I think you could write a heck of a book just by conversations. Did you ever read Roz Chast's book "Can't we Talk About Something More Pleasant? You would LOVE it! It's one of those illustrated books, and it's so funny. She is a cartoonist for the New Yorker. I think I will never get over her mom's story of her fall "I was doing the stork thing, putting on my pants".
I hope your hubby does really well! He's a gem. But you know that. Take care.
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Romeo, I just want to apologize, I didn't mean what I said the way it was taken.

First of all, I don't remember and honestly don't care who said that about your husband, but I will say when I read it I didn't agree and understand your anger.

I will also add, that you have away of annoying people on here. For me it's the way I pored my heart out to you and stuck up for you, then felt laughed at by you.

I do think you are not finding peace in your life and a bit addicted to drama, and I do not mean that in a bad sence, its happened to me, to many people.

I don't plan on going on your post anymore, because I don't want the drama from anyone anymore.

I also do think we often create are own drama, and do teach those around us how to treat us. Your parents are not young so that's more difficult to change them.

But I wish you well, peace, and happiness. And continue the work you are doing with your life and kick it up a notch or 10.

😊🙏🙂‍↕️
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So sorry for creating such a problem on this forum. I know what "emotional" abuse is all about - my brother - period. My mother was and is a good person, just a "helicopter" parent who now turned out to be needy and yes she wants everything done NOW - she was always like that. As for me not taking care of my husband and being so called, not being there for him - that is bull...! I take care of my FAMILY is right! I cook gourmet meals every night for him and now that he can't eat - that is killing me! My husband is WELL taken care of - I even lint his socks off - an obsession of mine - absolutely, but he has taken care of me with my issues. He loves my parents, and he understands that we are all not perfect. We have issues like everyone else in the world does. I'm the one that has the biggest issue to deal with and I'm trying to work on it. My mother just asked me to keep them company upstairs and I said no mom - I'm trying to rearrange a my closets and I'm watching tennis. I'm trying so hard to be strong - ok?
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"I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but I do feel that anyone that has been bullied, should look inside themselves to see why. We all have been there, wether it's the work place, or family, or friends, or on social media.

We have to look inside are selves to figure out why and how to change it. To prevent it from happening again.

We need to step back and look at the big picture"

These are your words from your post. I don't think I "twisted" them at all.

As I said, if you have issues with THIS particular poster - and I haven't followed the posts, so I am not saying those issues aren't justified - then call out this individual instance and this individual poster. Don't use blanket terms like "anyone who has been bullied", and then get upset when people question the term.
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The difference between us nacy, I don't need therapy because someone else acts like a j@ck@ss, I deal with it face to face and I walk away if people choose to continue to be ugly, I don't complain to others and feel heard, i get heard by the person I have a problem with. That's what being a grown up means, imo.

And to deal with you saying, that's not what I was saying, that it is the victims fault, yes, that's exactly what you said. But, any justification will work when you are looking for one.
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Notgodenough that's not what I'm saying at all. That's twisting things around

And I did not respond to many and should not of responded to this either.

I do believe that in a sence, we teach people how to treat us.
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I did not see the original thread but all the people doubling down and telling the OP they deserved what they got sure seems like bullying to me. We're all adults here, if you don't like someone or disagree then just walk away (or in forum terms, hit the "unfollow" button)
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So Anxiety, just so I understand - in your thinking, it's a character flaw of the person BEING bullied that causes the bullying - and a little introspection to find out why that person "allows" it to happen will come up with a solution to make it all go away. Is that what you're saying?

Because, quite frankly, then it's not a great leap to "well, no WONDER you were sexually assaulted, look at what you're wearing/where you're walking/who you're hanging out with" or "well of course your spouse beat you up, look at the dirty house/what you made for dinner/what you said to him/her".

Do you really think people who have been/are being chronically bullied haven't thought long and hard about their own behavior, and what they can do to reduce the incidents?

If you feel THIS particular poster isn't being (hasn't been) bullied in THIS particular incident, that's one thing. But that blanket statement you made is utterly ridiculous, and is, quite frankly, blaming the victims.

If you feel THIS poster has been wasting people's time here with their posts, you have the option to simply NOT RESPOND to them. If you feel that Romeo is just playing games here out of boredom, then DON'T RESPOND. Not every post merits every member of the forum to come and offer an opinion. The last I knew, Agingcare doesn't offer a discount to posters who reach a quota of responses in a week or month.
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Thank you Isthisrealyreal: Your intelligent!
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I hear you isthisreal, I get what you are saying, I do.

But absolutely, if you feel disrespected, go to counseling to figure out why and how to change it.

I understand what you are saying and I'm sorry, but Google things like how to get respect on the job, or anything and there is loades of information on how to gain respect.

Like just for instance, do what you say your going to do. don't promise things and say I'm coming to your party and don't show.

Don't say over and over you will get counseling and don't get it.

I myself put much time and energy, thought, love and caring into Romeo, and most of all patients. To get pretty much laughed and told we are funny.

I'm hurt and a bit annoyed.

As for your question, I hundred percent believe a person that is not being respected should get therapy and figure out why.
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Anxiety, if some keeps being disrespectful to you, do you go to counseling to figure out what you are doing to be disrespected? Just curious because I think that being bullied and being blamed for said bullying is as disrespectful as it gets. Hmm?
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Romeo, I hope you understood that I WAS NOT talking to you.

This forum is supposed to be for people in your shoes, if it helps you, keep posting, who cares what
others say or if they respond to you or not.
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It's true that allowing bullying to happen to yourself repeatedly would call for counseling to find out why you are in an abusive situation and to help you learn how to escape. And the abuser/abusee reality doesn't take away from the fact that someone is also fully responsible for the bullying they are committing.

On this forum please just report the posts that concern you, its a good system and it works.
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I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but I do feel that anyone that has been bullied, should look inside themselves to see why. We all have been there, wether it's the work place, or family, or friends, or on social media.

We have to look inside are selves to figure out why and how to change it. To prevent it from happening again.

We need to step back and look at the big picture
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Ok - then I used the wrong word - Mean. So I will not post anymore and get help. Thank you!
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Romeo, yep, certain posters do say horrendous things and get applauded for it, they gripe when posters don't come back, yet when they do, they are often minimized and attacked, told to fill out their profile and then it is not even read. I hope you see this post before I am censored because some like to do that too. I called them the forum police and was mocked for a year, nice support, heck I was even told when I asked for prayers for my dying mom to get over petty grievances with someone that went out of her way to attack me over the years, really? Nice.

I have been in your shoes, you need to learn to ignore it or grow thicker skin when dealing with posters that attack you for not following their opinions and advice.
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Here is the Member Comment Policy for this forum:

https://www.agingcare.com/aboutus/member-comment-policy
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If you were being "bullied", in reality, the "bully" posts would've been removed. Instead, your post was shut down to further comments because beating a dead horse is exhausting.

Now you're posting again, trying to convince us you're the victim, after getting tons and tons of useful advice?

Many of us have been forum members for a number of years, not because we like social media so much. But because we've walked a hard road with our loved ones and come here to share those experiences with others who are struggling. Not to play games or give 24/7 advice to people who are just fooling around online wasting time and don't really want it. Reddit is a much better place for that type of drama than AC. I suggest you take your future questions there.
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I was bullied at age 10. I was told to 'turn the other check'. I had no idea what that meant. I tried to ignore. Bully kept on.

Then I stood my ground & stood up for myself. That worked. It worked again at 12 & has done ever since.
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Your veil Karsten brings to mind a transit operator. She usually has a sweater/towel (?) draped over the plexiglass protection door, so I guess to deter riders from carrying on a long conversation with her, or maybe boarding riders don't have to really see her. LOL
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