I was telling my step sister in email this morn, that my Mom had a dozen people over for Thanksgiving one year when I was in HS. My step dad took off to spend it with his kids. He was considering leaving her.
So I did all the prep-cooking & clean up as she was intoxicated + manic.
She lit a fire in the fireplace. It was smoky, probably because the fireplace flue needed cleaning. She decided the roof was on fire. She climbed atop a tall ladder w/a garden hose & starts spraying the roof. She was 37. I was 17. I told her "Mom, there is no fire." She said there was. Then she turned the hose on me & drenched me & my whit cashmere turtleneck. Hit me in the face & the hair. I ran off to cry in my room.
A guest came in and consoled me. Told me I was great & to hang in there & that she was mentally ill.
I am tired of her calls re: her to do list for T-Giving. I am bringing up the meal on Tues. I do it all & more. I am not close to her. I am on auto pilot.
I will NEVER spend an actual T-Giving, Christmas or other Holiday with her again. She can ruin other days, but never the actual holiday day, again.
Back to work and then the evening phone call with her.
Special days can bring up old memories, including old hurts. But you have made your own T-giving tradition now & I wish you a lovely time.
I know you have other boundaries too - like the big one: No-to-being-the-livein-caregiver.
It's hard to picture being in other people's shoes.. Too easy to say hey do this do that. But.. I'm wondering.. when our boundaries are firm enough, in the right place, then we should feel pretty comfortable.
If our boundaries are not firmed up or in the right spot, maybe we still feel pressure or resentment?
When I started steping back, I had to learn how to place my boundaries. Some were flimsy, some had holes, some were not quite in the right place. I needed all my mental strength to hold them up.
Now that my boundaries are more stable - fixed in my mind (with allowance for some flexibility). I trust they won't fail so I can relax & use my energies for other things.
So enjoy your Thanksgiving your way. Take your Mom a meal if you choose to. Then reflect: What went well? What didn't? What will you change for the next special day/holiday?