Wondering about taking your elder into your home?

Thanks Barb,
Very helpful.

POA Update from Graciekelli in Arizona:
I spoke to my attorney today and because my mother is mentally incapacitated, I cannot simply withdraw as POA. The attorney advised that I would need to petition the court to assign guardianship because to simply withdraw could cause charges on me for abandonment.

My attorney said that I can do this myself, as it is fairly simple, and less costly then using an attorney. I hope these posts provide those considering "helping" their elders by moving them in and becoming POA, what exactly they are in for. I have taken on way more than I ever thought or imagined. Now I will be needing to go to court and file just to have myself removed from this responsibility. I will provide updates as I work through this process.

Glad that you’re making progress, Graci! Keep us posted.

Take care.

Today's update: If you think that it's easier once your loved one gets into an AL, it's doesn't. I got a call from my mom today, she was using the house phone and I didn't recognize the number and answered. She started the conversation with I have renamed you Tanya. You are now Tanya. I said "hi mom, how are you doing?" She said she's mad. Very mad. She wants her iphone and she knows I took it. I explained it was lost and I ordered a new one and will bring it over as soon as it arrives. She carried on about the iphone for a bit and then started with a list of things she needs me to buy and bring over to her. I made the list and told her I'd be there in a couple of days and drop it off. She then said she doesn't know why she can't come back here to my house. She knows that I have an attorney and a court order??? I don't know what she's talking about and tell her that I don't have a court order so she just kept saying I am a liar over and over again. I told her that I am doing the best I can and she just needs to calm down and be happy with where she is at because this is her only choice. She said she doesn't want me as POA. I told her that I was working on that. She said thank you Tanya and hung up.

So why do I feel so bad. I know I should not feel bad but I do. I called the APS rep and let her know about my mom's wishes in case that is good enough for them to let me resign and they can take it from there. But, I was only able to leave a voice mail. I will continue to provide updates.

Graci,

I am so sorry that your mom is behaving this way. Of course, it hurts. How could it not hurt?

Be at peace knowing that you have done your very best.

Hugs!

Bumping this up. Please read this thread BEFORE you move your parent into your home.

Don’t ever think that it is easier to move a parent into your home because it’s a hassle going back and forth to their house to care for them.

I moved my mom into our home after she lost her home in hurricane Katrina. Trust me, it isn’t easier.

My mom was still fairly independent when she first moved in. She couldn’t drive but she didn’t even need a walker yet.

I was still able to work. I had time for my family and a social life because she could be left alone.

As her care needs progressed, I was devoting more and more time to her. I ended up quitting my job, which threw me into a deep depression.

My anxiety was through the roof from caregiving full time and losing all sense of who I was anymore.

So, when the time comes that your loved one’s care requires more than you can reasonably do, please consider facility care, because even with help from agency caregivers like I had, it becomes too difficult.

Just the sleepless nights alone are reason enough to stop being a full time caregiver. Sure, we went through sleepless nights with our children but children grow up and become independent!

Our elderly parents are going in the opposite direction and will eventually need more help than we can comfortably give.

We don’t bounce back as easily from those sleepless nights as we grow older.

I would like to add another bit of information I did not consider or even fully understand and that was the real health of my mother. First, I did not know how bad her health really was. She hid important health facts from me in order to manipulate me into bringing her into my home. When you don't live with a LO, you don't always know the extent of their medical conditions. They become very proficient at showtiming and they are not alway transparent with the "true" health. For me, I had no idea that my mother had dementia or that she is going blind. These are very important facts that if I knew, it may have allowed me to consider whether or not I an appropriate caregiver.