My mother is 87. Has lung disease and is on oxygen 24/7.
i have 7 siblings.
2 live too far to be any help and one who refuses to help as her life is too busy.
The other 3 (of which I am one) are caring for my mother 24/7 at her home. It’s killing me.
i have a full time job and three young kids of my own (2 under 12).
i spent every 3rd night sleeping at her house and stay there the next day till a sibling comes to take over at 6pm.
This has been ongoing for 6 months now. We only started it as we thought she was end of life but she’s not.
i want to move my mother to a nursing home but my siblings say ‘she won’t like that’. They don’t have families and are divorced. I am married and have kids.
Help. What do I do? I feel I’m losing my mind. My home life is suffering. My job is suffering as it’s impossible to work from her house due to the e demands on my time from her.
I’m angry now when it’s my time for sleepover as know be there for 24 hours straight and have one full day between shifts at my own home with my own family. Being the only female all the personal care such as showering is down to me.
My mother is a narcissist and was never much of a mother to me. Was always about her. Now she’s saying stuff like ‘you’re an amazing daughter’ but I know for a fact that’s only being said now as she ‘needs’ me. She’s never once had a positive thing to say about me for 45 years so….
Do I just extract myself like my other sibling has done?
im suspecting my siblings are waiting for me to bail out so it’s ‘my fault’ as two people couldn’t manage this.
Any advice or words of wisdom welcome.
THIS
This statement here is it.
This has been told to my LO by their Doctor. I hope & wish many more professionals, family caregivers, other family & support workers can spread the word.
Caregivers twisting themselves up, trying to avoid appearing 'selfish' - so that others can stay selfish.
First find your nursing home, though. It's easier to start the ball rolling when you can make the plans specific.
It is common for a narcissistic mother to dump everything on a daughter. The sons, not so much. It appears that you have been the family scapegoat your whole life. Which is not an insult aimed at you, but your siblings and mother. The brothers don't want to place her because their mother probably sees them as the golden children and they don't want to upset her in the least. So what if it's killing you and you're shortchanging your kids? As long as mother is happy with her sons, it's all good in their world.
The bulk of caregiving is always on the daughters in families like this. There is a tendency to think caregiving for an elderly parent is the same as taking care of a child. As you know, it isnot. The brothers figure you're already taking care of kids; why not one more?
You should not be spending nights/full days with mother when you have kids at home who need you more. They come first. You know this.
Families like this do NOT like it when the scapegoat finally puts her foot down and says she can't do this level of caretaking anymore. Your mom might be mad about placement but she is the sort who will be mad at you for maybe breathing too loud.
You'll have to tell them you can no longer do this. Or at least stop spending nights and full days with her every week. If the brothers insist she stay home, then they can stay with her and hire someone for bathing and such. Everyone will be angry and act like you're the most selfish person on Earth. Stay strong and remember THEY are the problem, not you.
I agree with you that your mom would be better served by being in a nursing home. They have a full staff that can look after your mother.
You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness on this earth. That’s too bad if your mother won’t accept that you do not wish to continue with things as they are now.
If your siblings disagree with you and feel that they can do a better job, let them handle it.
Best wishes to you.
“She sees all the housework etc as my job (my other two siblings are men).”
The sexism is jumping out at me, Nalz44. I assume you don’t want your children to pick up the idea that only females clean or only females can do personal care.
Also, as a total outsider to this situation please take this just as food for thought but: is it possible you are “OK” with shortchanging your kids in favor of your mom because that’s how your mom always treated you? (I know of course you aren’t purposefully doing that; there was an initial crisis situation that morphed into an open-ended slog.)
It is a matter of who bails first.
So be the smart one.
This arrangement is not good for you or your family. So own it.
Phone Call, meeting, email how ever you want to do this let them know that you are no longer going to be able to do "sleep overs"
Mom can pay for Caregivers if a facility is not what the family wants. (Whoever is POA for Finances can add paying for caregivers to the list of bills)
I think mom no longer has a say in the game as far as she is best for her.
Placing mom in Skilled Nursing or AL (if she is able to be in AL it depends on her medical issues.)
It’s nobody’s “fault” that your mother is old and needs more care than can be provided by family .
Your siblings either will pick up the slack , which I doubt , or Mom will be placed in a facility that can meet her needs.
Fish belong in the water, bears belong in the woods, elephants belong in the savannah, and 87 year olds belong in facilities. It’s just nature’s way
I would tell them explicitly why you're overwhelmed. I would give them your recommendation. Then I'd exit the situation.
But that's just me. You can't be expected to play by others rules, dictation and consequences.
I feel for you, as a mother with a young child myself.
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