38 weeks pregnant and having trouble dealing with caregiving. Any ideas?

I am curious, does this gent get a pension? I don't know if your property & he pays rent? Or his property? His funds need to go towards his care.

He will need alternative arrangements. Like 38 weeks ago.. but can't rewind, so from basically this week.

He will need someone to arrange his care needs, obtain & pay for support workers to assist him with his ADLs or assist him to move into care. This person will need his permission/or legal authorisation.

I may be wrong, but it reads to me as if Ray owns the farm, and you are staying there on the basis that you do farming work and also provide some housekeeping care for him. If that’s the way it is, you have no authority to look for a placement for him, or to make him take it. Your choices are for your own lives, not his.

If his behavior is getting hard to cope with, your best bet may be to tell him that you are thinking of moving out and leaving him to cope with himself and the farm. Then try to negotiate some rules/ boundaries about the terms on which you will stay.

This arrangement may have worked for 5 years, but you need to think about your short term happiness and your long term security. Don’t let your future be ruined by expectations that may not work out.

Please can you be a bit clearer about all this, so that posters can be helpful without misunderstanding.

Not your circus, not your monkey

You’re not “having trouble with caregiving”. That makes it sound like it’s just an inconvenience. You’re in a situation that is not safe for your kids. You may not be realizing how bad this will become.

This is not going to get better. You can’t be a mother to your kids and him too.

You cope by getting him out of your home and into Memory Care. He is too far advanced for you to take care of him anymore. Soon you’ll have two babies… the one you birthed AND Ray.

If he is disruptive and argumentative, he shouldn’t be around your kids like this. How do you know he won’t hit them or yell at them? Try to pick up the baby and accidentally drop it?

You’re in way over your head here and your kids MUST come first.

I think you have done all you can. I would call APS and explain the situation. Tell them his care has gone beyond what u are capable of especially with a baby on its way. He needs the State to step in and take over his care. Allow it. They will be able to place him much faster than you can. You will not, though, be involved in any decisions concerning his care. A guardian assigned by a Judge will do that. If you have no POA, you have no way of helping him anyway.

I would immediately contact your local area agency on aging and see what programs Ray qualifies to receive. In my area my mother qualified for an adult day care program, housekeeping and personal care help while she remained at home and long term care assistance if we wanted a placement. You might be able to get in home help sooner than placement.

With dementia, his behavior will continue to degrade, although your ability to cope might improve once you have had the baby and recovered from the birth. I think its appropriate to look for long term care solutions and support Ray by visiting and advocating for him while someone else take responsibility for his hour to hour care.

Your thread reminds me of some friends of my father. Both families were farming families, and lived that life which is in so many ways different from a city life. Once when we visited, the wife showed us a friend who was dying of cancer. They were caring for him, in their own home.

It was somewhat surprising, but I admired their support and perseverance. Farming families are different, but even farming life has changed. And given the situation, I think you're justified in changing the current situation.

I would begin contacting county and state employees in care departments to determine which might be available for him in professional care. This situation just seems to be too challenging for one family.

If he doesn't have funds for care, the governmental employees can help guide you to find care which doesn't need to be paid for by you.

I think you and hubby need to sit down and decide whether you can continue to do this.
Ray may need to go into Nursing Home care on Medicaid.
I honestly think at this time your obligation is to your own children, and I worry you are risking you own health.
Only you can make these decisions. I am so very sorry.