I am 65 and have been married to my wife for 45 years. We always had a very good sex life. She now has a neurological disease that has completely taken away her sex drive and has made her so physically frail that sex would actually cause me fear of seriously hurting her. I am so sad and depressed because this disease has robbed me of my partner and my lover. I am still in good health and good shape and still have a strong desire for physical intimacy. I have talked about this with her and it usually just ends with me in tears because in the end she just has no desire any longer which takes away from any enjoyment I would get if anything ever would happen. I have read articles that say snuggle more, hold hands or other types of activities for physical closeness. But to be blunt, I need good old fashioned sex and I'm so depressed and even angry after being celibate for so long. How do I get past this? I cannot imagine living the rest of my life this way and yet there is no way out. I have been faithful for our entire marriage but now sometimes wish I could find a "friend with benefits". That's how fed up I'm getting. My wife is still the love of my life and I'm just so torn. Something has to give somewhere. I can't be the only one with this problem so if anyone has any advice please share it with me.
You would feel guilty. She would feel rejected and hurt, possibly angry if she found out.
This would be a ‘safe’ option because they are tested.
I don't believe that you are a sex addict, not by anything you mentioned here anyway, you just miss that special bonding moments that many people face when illness gets in the way, and it does go both ways.
Maybe your wife doesn't truly understand just how much you miss your bonding time, or maybe things get misconstrued when you do talk about it because of your sadness, your anger or your fear of hurting her or her feelings, I know that you don't want to make her feel guilty about it, and this is where a non biased counselor will be of some help, listening to both sides and giving you some exercises, homework to help you to come up with ideas on how to mutually improve your sexual relationship.
Male sexual libido when quite high can be intense. I presume though you are a decent moral man and know that sex with your wife is out of the question given the circumstances, as is being unfaithful. So given this difficult life situation your only option is to channel that energy into personal development.
BTW, as a long married woman myself, I believe that married couples often get "out of sync" in their sex live due to a whole host of reasons, ie; stress, depression, CAREGIVING, sleep issues, dissatisfaction, cheating, hormones and menopause, health issues, Prostate problems, and a Million More! In fact most long term couples reach a crossroads over this at some point in their marriage, you are being proactive in looking into this, being extremely sensitive about it, and that is Admirable in my book! Good luck, I hope you find some good answers in this, and do share, as we all would be lying if we said that we haven't come up against this problem ourselves, and we all learn from one another, and especially on this topic, which we all have/will face at some point.
Please don't listen to answers that don't help you in any way! On a forum such as this, it is very hard to truly feel and understand the Written word, without the emotions behind the words. It is a great topic and one that needs discussion.
Look sex does not only help and is important is a relationship, but it is also very important to our physical and emotional over all health.
Sex is very different with men vs woman. With men it can be just physical, but with woman the brain will release a hormone that will make a woman cling to a man; however this is not always the case.
I for one think if you can get this part of your life under control (satify) then you could take care of your wife and yourself better.
Whether you use a sex robot or find a "friend with benfits" you are going to feel bad about yourself. Don't!!! Couples who have sex twice a week have fewer heart attacks, are less depression, have strong muscles and bones and even are mentally sharper than those who don't!
Maybe find someone who you could have a little fun with once or twice a month with...no string attach and make sure you are totally up front that you love your wife and have no plans on leaving her...oh you might want to see what the wife thinks of this idea before you make any plans...if she is capable! Talk to your wife's Dr.
I do know couples that have done this and it worked out for them; I also know of couples who ended up in diverse...think long and hard about this...this decision can cost you everything!
Good luck!
PS If you click on Care Topics on the top RHS of the screen, you get an alphabet. Click on S (for sex), and then scroll down until you hit S for Sex. There are 6 articles, 32 questions and 3 discussions – and I hope they are more helpful than what you’ve got here!
BTW, I'm 50 year old male.
It does make you wonder what will become common in the future. I am pretty sure the sex robots are fairly expensive. If they become mass produced the price will come down.
Have you been told by a physician that sex would be dangerous for her?
Have you discussed this frankly with your wife? If she is depressed herself that alone may be reducing her desire to participate.
If you are making the assumptions you’ve mentioned without medical input, your doing yourself a disservice. And may be doing your wife a disservice too.
Get medical input. You may not be able to find the answers that you want, but you may be surprised to find other things you can do.
Just for starters, the idea that men are more sexually interested than women is by no means a fact.
Good luck with your research, and hoping you find some helpful information.
Dr. Laura Berman.
You might google her name and find helpful information.
Your answer reminds me of the Chinese engineer who had no luck finding a spouse and created a robot that he married. Wonder how often this will happen in the future, huh?
Should I be nervous? Haha. I am married to an engineer.
I wonder if female engineers will be creating ‘male’ robots too. Or these days, gender neutral robots. All different types I suppose.
What will the world be like in the future? Fascinating topic.
Polar,
This is really weird but I just heard about this recently. I have a strange sense of humor so don’t mind me, okay? It was a commentary about ‘used sex robots’ for sale at a reduced rate! LOL, you don’t want to know the thoughts going through my head after the hysterical laughter!
They claimed that they were thoroughly sanitized before reselling. Geeeeeez! Just pay the full amount! Hahaha
I am in the same situation as you except I'm the one that can't have sex because of medical issues. Me and my husband have a very unique relationship. We've had an open marriage and relationship since we've met. Although with the way my medical issues are, he hasn't chosen to find anyone else, because he's worried about me and knows what his priority is - but he does have the permission to find someone. There are a few rules of course, but if it saves your marriage, then having a friend with benefits is not a bad idea. That's just my opinion and I know a lot of people won't agree with me and my lifestyle but when you love someone and you can find just one thing that keeps you with the one you truly love, I say talk to her about it...she might surprise you.
I don't have any practical tips to offer, but I also won't offer judgement. To each his own, and who am I to judge? None of us asked for this journey and we are each finding our own way. You have obviously had an admirable relationship. 45 years is a marriage to be proud of. You recognized the sensitivity of this topic, and I can guarantee you that you are not the only one who has felt this way. Those brave enough to ask it on this site before have recieved a lot of opinions. Only you will be able to make this decision for yourself. Having to make constant, impactful caregiving decisions is hard enough without having to deal with the judgement from others.
Paddy - you're in a difficult situation. What does your wife say when you discuss the subject with her? Is she able physically to engage in sex? Is she willing to talk to a sexologist?
Love is the main thing in a long term relationship, anyway, right? Sex is fun and everything, but the loving affection is what takes up the rest of the 23-1/2 hours in the day.
Best of luck!