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I need advice and support. Please no sarcasm or harsh judgements as I’ve lost everything I cared about. I’ll soon be homeless. I can’t sleep or eat, I cry every day. I have no one to talk to as my mother bought off everyone I know except my brother. My mother has been extremely angry, vicious, and violent her entire life. When she was in college, she locked her dormitory mom in her bedroom, splashed gasoline under the door, lit a match and fire leaving the poor woman screaming. She was only expelled cause her parents were millionaires. She married abusive alcoholics who beat us kids and shot and poisoned our dogs in front of us. She had abusive boyfriends. She lies about everything all of the time. She doesn’t like to socialize because she says it’s exhausting to “put on a front.” She’s been sickly her entire life (or pretended to be sick for attention(?), 99% of the time she was fine. She demanded I take her to ER and surgeries for decades because I’m the “only girl.” It hurt my relationships and I had to take a lot of time off of work. Worst part is we co-own a house, so neither one of us will leave. She is 80, has kids and grandkids she can visit and stay with, but she refuses. I have nobody and nowhere to go. I wanted to have a life and family here in this house, I love this house, I found it, decorated it, spent all of my time in it, put all my money into it. My mother attacked every friend, boyfriend, fiance I’ve ever had, calling them names, cussing them out, scaring them off, for no reason other than to isolate me. She’s a spendaholic and goes on binges of spa treatments, massages, Botox, expensive clothing, etc, then realizes she spent too much and directs her anger at me. She’s never helped me with anything. She insults and mocks me daily. She and her alcoholic sister text all day long making fun of me and plan ways to make my life hell (yes, I’ve seen the texts and I even forwarded them to family and friends). When I try to talk to her about daily goings on in the house (chores, appointments, repairs, etc) she rolls her eyes. Many times she has come at me with her flashlight/billy club and hit me hard and left bruises. She also pushes me to the ground (she’s very strong). I’ve never touched her. She has a violent history. I’ve tried talking to the police and showed pictures of my bruises. Lately she and her alcoholic sister have been brainstorming ways to get me out of my house (both our names are on the deed, that’s a very long and sad story). I’ve endured daily name calling, harassment, threats, abuse of all kinds, my property being destroyed, my mail and packages opened by her, she listens to my phone calls and yells at me, she makes an ugly scene when I have company, she tells the neighbors god-knows-what. One showed up at midnight angry at me until he realized his mistake after talking to me. She said she wants me out, she wants to live alone, and she GAVE ME A DEADLINE OF END OF APRIL to leave, “OR ELSE!” She threatens to call the police over anything and everything—music too loud, friends visiting, cuss words, if I don’t answer her calls, if she’s not feeling well, if I’m upset over something, if house isn’t spotless she calls me a “hoarder” (gaslighting). It’s RUINING me. A month ago I had to run some errands and I reminded her NOT TO FEED MY DOGS. She fed them anyway and my sweet little boy choked on his food, he has a small throat and teeth missing, but I’m always there to watch him and help him, but this time she fed him huge chunks, he choked, passed away, and was still warm when I got home. She was staring at him doing nothing. I did CPR on him, rushed him to ER vet, but he passed. I cried so hard I was screaming in AGONY!!! She called the police again! She said she’s “building a case” to evict me and remove my name from the deed AND her will. WHY? She knew he was my baby, my sunshine, the love of my life, best thing that ever happened to me, his love kept me going, he was all I had. Now I’m lost.

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This post is from March and OP has not returned to the forum.
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cinderblock Aug 2022
Hopefully OP found a way out of the situation!
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Your Not Alone !
I’m 44 male with a Dark Tetrad mother that’s extremely controlling, abusive , Violent , threatens to have me removed by the cops while she abuses me.
I went from an older Jodi Arais Doppelgänger that I almost didn’t make it out alive a bunch of times and then got kicked out of my house and all my stuff stolen/destroyed/sold/trashed so she could move her scuzz bucket boyfriend in and played the false Domestic Violence perjury and went from one Devil incarnate to two more Dark Tetrads with multiple personalities disorders and intermittent personality disorder
as well on top of it all
My mothers extreme controlling is amplified be her servitude to the Jehovah CULT
which by the way, she doesn’t abide by and still having the affair she’s been having since before she killed my Dad off
My mother also steals my stuff S well as my sister.
they both have The Jezebel Spirit extremely Bad in top of All of Everything.
🙏🏻יהוה🙏🏻
4 You !
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Start documenting. Get a police report every time she puts her hands on you. Get a restraining order.

She cannot make you move since you are co-owner of the house. Protect your valuables and keep them padlocked. Install cameras in the areas you use the most so that you will have visible proof of what she is doing.

These types of psychopathic people will do any and everything. If you are paying your fair share of expenses and mortgage, she can't just make you leave. Get a lawyer who will look out for your best interest. I don't know where you are, but here in order for someone to claim full ownership of the house, they would have to buy out the co-owner. So, in other words, she would have to buy you out.

She sounds like a real nightmare. I'm sorry about the loss of your pet.
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Oh I feel for you Profound Despair & am so very sorry about the loss of your dog.
Without going into a lengthy post on my specifics - they are not exactly like yours- but I did co-own my home with a family member trying to get me out. They wanted $ during an up housing market.
And I have had experience with feeling trapped by others’ abusive & controlling behavior.
And I love my animals.
And I am a believer in God.
So I am going to offer some advice I wished someone had given me.
The goal is to gain back your energy, clarity, confidence & your power.
And to make you AWAKE ALIVE CONFIDENT HAPPY & ABLE TO RESPOND WITH CLARITY & CALM
And to take responsibility for what IS in your power to take care of.

Don’t tell your mom you are doing this. It’s your plan.
* Know exactly how your ownership in the house is held. County clerk or assessor’s office should have this.
Make a copy.
* Everyday look in the mirror and say to yourself “ I like myself.. I like myself... I like myself “
This is from a therapist couple who wrote a book called “ How to Be your own Best Friend “
I don’t recall anything else from the book but this. It’s invaluable advice when you’ve lost confidence, been beaten down & had your heart broken. If you have to say it quietly as you look in the mirror. Then say it to yourself as you go about your day.
It helps re-center you from the daily draining effects of your abusive mother.
* Look at your possessions - each and every one- and ask if it serves you. I’m not kidding. We all have things, collect things & become accustomed to the things we have.

I have met no one who doesn’t have a STORY about their things. The littlest most insignificant thing, we attach a story to it. A hair clip, a dish. And we get attached to the STORY about our stuff. So most of what we consider valuable ( not talking about children or pets ) is just a bunch of stories we carry around. And we justify keeping our stuff because of our ‘interesting’ or ‘emotionally driven’ story we tell about it. And our stories hold energy & weight. And that emotional weight can keep us stuck.
It’s vital, empowering and so important to get this because you need to gain some energy back. Dig in & let go of things. Trust and do it.

* Look at your things and start weeding out. Decluttering. Letting go. Donating things. This feels really good to donate things someone else could use.
I had a lot of books. I changed my thinking from “I like this book, maybe I’ll want to look at it again” to “ Wow wouldn’t it be great to share the ideas in this book !”
Do this with clothes, excess kitchen things, dishes, appliances, everything. Keep only what truly serves in supporting you in living a happy purposeful life.
You’ll feel more energetic because of this. Take your dogs for walks.
* Try to get good sleep when you can. Wake early and get back to the decluttering plan.
* Get strong locks on your door.
* Take your important papers & phone, laptop with you when you leave the house.
* Look for a qualified dog sitter with a good fenced yard that you can trade services-like clean their house- in exchange for keeping your dogs during times you need to have them safe if you’re not home.
* Look people in the eyes. Realize most people are going through some sort of suffering. I know a woman who lost two of her children in a car accident that she herself survived. Unimaginable loss. She continues to work at the grocery store where she has worked for years. Another woman in town lost two children in an accident and wanders around looking so lost. I pray for both of them.
Look at everyone with this knowledge. It will give you deep abiding compassion and a wider connection to life, especially when you feel so isolated and alone.
* Ask God to show you the purpose for your life. Ask God for strength & wisdom.
Your purpose in life is bigger than the situation you are in at the moment.
I lost my house, had to walk away with my animals. Sad. But it clarified a lot a lot. Saved my life.
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I wish you the best of luck, Profound Despair. The fact that your house has a mother-in-law attachment means that you don't actually share a living space. Keep your place locked up good and tight. Don't answer the door for her either.
If you keep a car and it's not parked in a garage, I'd invest in a security camera for that area. Anyone tries to get cute and does something to your car, they'll be on camera.
You could also move out of your place and rent it to a tenant. That would bring in some money and you'd be able to go. Living in abuse is not the only option for you.
As for being "allowed" to protect yourself. If someone is strong enough to push you to the ground and come at you with a billy club, kick their a$$ no matter how old they are. That's self-defense. No one has to be assaulted because the person doing the assaulting is old. The counselors who didn't answer you probably have an imagine of some little old grandma on a walker and think you're nuts. I know you're not because all old folks aren't weak and feeble.
When my father was 80 he went down to this Greek and Italian market used to shop there hang out. The owner was an old friend of his and he used to host a card game there after hours every week. The place was in business for over 50 years. When it first opened the location was a nice area. Over the years it was taken over by scumbags. My father used to park his car on the street not in the lot. He did this so her could see his car from the window. The other guys thought he was crazy to not park in the lot because it was right by the door. He had to walk around the building to get to his because the front door stayed locked. One night he was set upon by two men (their defense lawyer tried to refer to them as "youths" because they were 18 and 20). They were planning to carjack him and take his money. My father laid them both out then called the cops himself. An old person can hurt someone. Not everyone is weak and feeble. The cops know this too. You have a right to defend yourself.
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I agree with ya burnt BUT not about the pepper spray. That is gonna get the op arrested while this sick psycho just stays there. Better a body worn cam that she wears whenever there’s a potential interaction.

When the psycho knocks on your door, op, don’t even respond.Turn your music up. With all these nasty post it’s, crumple them and leave them on the coffee table. Quit cleaning the house. Let her call the cops all she wants, because they are gonna say all this is a civil matter.

Shes making your life miserable so you will leave and she gets 100 percent possession. Make it as crappy as possible for you so she wants to take her 50 percent.

Hopefully you find the old psycho doing the attention fall thing, or maybe it’s real, but that’ll be a 911 you will be relieved at. I hope you have the opportunity to get her social admitted so you can deal with the forced sale of the house. After that it’s you’re dead to me mom.
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ProfoundDespair Apr 2022
Thanks PeggySue. I thought so — she’s trying to make me miserable so I’ll leave. I got that feeling. I truly believe she killed my baby on purpose. She tried to kill (or set on fire) her dormitory mom in college. Last time police were here I told them about this, and asked them to arrest her (I was distraught cause she had just killed my dog and I was crying, so I don’t know if they took me seriously, or if there’s a statue of limitation on attempted murder?) At that moment I connected the attempted murder of dormitory mom (at least that’s what I would call it) with the intentional killing of my sweet boy. So that’s what you meant by “possession is 9/10 of the law.” You need to be physically present? By the way, what is a “social admitted?”

I did stop cooking all meals, stopped doing all the cleaning, stopped the doctor appointments (she can take herself), frequent trips to the ER, stopped waiting on her, entertaining her, gardening, doing repairs, helping her financially, buying her things…not to hurt her, but because I was extremely exhausted of decades of this. I have to take care of myself. She has all kinds of long term care insurances.

She did threaten me with calling the police calling me a “hoarder” once I stopped all the chores. I know what hoarding looks like so I’m not worried about that one. Next thing she did was threaten to call the police for me “endangering her life” because my car was parked too close to the garage side door and she supposedly tripped on her way out cause it was too narrow. She also screams loudly if we happen to come around the corner in the house and surprise each other. She screams loudly outside too so the neighbors can hear. She threatens to call the police if I’m swearing (not at her, just random chatter) saying I’m causing her “emotional battery.” LOL I told her if language offends her, she should move into a nursing home. So I did manage to get a copy of the California Elder Abuse report form, and I’m not doing any of the abuses listed. Never have.

“Let her call the cops all she wants, because they are gonna say all this is a civil matter.”
>PeggySue what does this mean? A “civil matter?” Just curious cause it would help to know why police keep coming here almost every time she calls. I don’t even know what to say to them anymore.

I really appreciate your feedback as this does help clear things up. When you’re right in the middle of it, you can’t see the forest for the trees. Thank you very much!!
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First of all, if your mother is as bad as you claim (and I'm not doubting your word), why do you co-own a property with her and live in it?
Second, she cannot make you homeless if you are also a legal owner of the property. Nor can she evict you. She can threaten you with all the "deadlines" in the world, but if you also own the property she cannot force you to leave. She isn't building any case against you or anything else. If your name is on the deed, she can go pound sand.
Tell her that she can buy you out of your share of the property. Then take your money and go.
In the meantime, find a safe place for your dogs to go. Put a good, strong lock on your door and wait the old b*tch out like a medieval siege. Don't do anything for her either and I mean absolutely nothing. Wait for her to buy you out then go and don't look back. While you are in the house, carry pepper spray with you. Or learn how to throw a punch. Get the spray that hooks right onto a belt loop. Very convenient. If either one of them (your mother or aunt) comes at you with the intent of assaulting you, spray them both in the face. Then call the cops. No one has a right to assault anyone else no matter how old they are or what their relationship with the person is.
I'd like you to understand something though. Your mother is not the reason why you aren't in a relationship or why you're isolated. You allow your mother to have control over you. As horrible as I'm sure she is, your mother is not the reason why you don't have a life. You're an adult not a child. Do yourself a favor and stop being a martyr to. The reasoning of being the 'only daughter' so therefore must be consigned to a lifetime of abuse and slavery is nonsense. You choose to do it. If your didn't, you wouldn't. Once again, you are an adult not a child.
I didn't speak to my mother for almost six years because her BS got to be too much for me. We were able to come to a somewhat amicable arrangement that is beneficial to us both. She had to do a lot for us to get to the point we're at and I had to let a lot of things go and forgive. It's not easy.
Your mother has to buy you out of your interest in the house. Then take your share of the money and get on with your life.
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ProfoundDespair Apr 2022
BurntCaregiver (great name!) Thank you the reply. Yes she is that bad, she is far worse as I’ve only posted a minuscule account of what she’s done.

“why do you co-own a property with her and live in it?”
>That goes way back to when she was divorced, I was engaged, we found a house, she wanted to have a mother-in-law attachment and stay. Things changed over the years. She put my name on the house cause I was always there and did everything. The plan then was for her to rotate among family members — stay for a while with me, then brothers, then her sister, but that didn’t happen. By then I had invested my time and money, she was sick my entire adult life, I felt an obligation cause I was the only “daughter” plus there was pressure from my family and threats from her. Yes, I realize my mistakes, and stopped caregiving, cooking meals for her, entertaining her, etc.

”Second, she cannot make you homeless if you are also a legal owner of the property. Nor can she evict you. She can threaten you with all the "deadlines" in the world, but if you also own the property she cannot force you to leave. She isn't building any case against you or anything else. If your name is on the deed, she can go pound sand.”
>Ok, thank you, this is good to know. It takes some of the fear out of it and I can think clearer.

”In the meantime, find a safe place for your dogs to go. Put a good, strong lock on your door and wait the old b*tch out like a medieval siege. Don't do anything for her either and I mean absolutely nothing. Wait for her to buy you out then go and don't look back.”
>LOL. Yes, I stopped doing everything. It’s driving her crazy but I’m exhausted and can’t do anymore. Don’t want to, either.

”Wait for her to buy you out then go and don't look back. While you are in the house, carry pepper spray with you. Or learn how to throw a punch. Get the spray that hooks right onto a belt loop. Very convenient. If either one of them (your mother or aunt) comes at you with the intent of assaulting you, spray them both in the face. Then call the cops. No one has a right to assault anyone else no matter how old they are or what their relationship with the person is. “
>This is legal? I’ve asked 2 counselors what I am allowed to do to protect myself from being hit and pushed, they didn’t say anything. Thanks for the advice!

”I'd like you to understand something though. Your mother is not the reason why you aren't in a relationship or why you're isolated. You allow your mother to have control over you. As horrible as I'm sure she is, your mother is not the reason why you don't have a life. You're an adult not a child. Do yourself a favor and stop being a martyr to. The reasoning of being the 'only daughter' so therefore must be consigned to a lifetime of abuse and slavery is nonsense. You choose to do it. If your didn't, you wouldn't. Once again, you are an adult not a child.
I didn't speak to my mother for almost six years because her BS got to be too much for me. We were able to come to a somewhat amicable arrangement that is beneficial to us both. She had to do a lot for us to get to the point we're at and I had to let a lot of things go and forgive. It's not easy.”
>OK! You’re right. I’m in the process of UNLEARNING and reprogramming my mind that it’s not my job or my fault, no matter the pressure or threats. I’ll just ignore family.

Thats good that your mother cared enough to see her mistakes and do what needed to be done to make things better.

Thank you for the advice! It’s much appreciated.
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PD,
Please rehome your dogs. For one thing, they are keeping you tethered from even leaving the environment temporarily as few landlords rent with multiple dogs on deck. For two, well the way it works in our county is that any nip can get the dog taken way and ultimately put to sleep. I would think your sadistic mom could very well arrange that just to see you fall apart. So let’s get them out of harms way, first, so you can do what needs to come next.

Second, secure your valuables in a safe deposit box. Your laptop and iPad go with you when you go out.

Third, let the bat call the police every time the house isn’t spotless or you have a friend over or you ignore her ridiculous post it’s. Actually, friends would be great if she spazzes out. Look up body worn cams, and wear one around her.
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Profound,
Do know that we here aren't professionals.
Many questions go beyond our abilities to help. We can sympathize. But some folks need a professional CPA, or a Lawyer, or an MD. In your case I think the only answer is the help of a professional counselor. I have noted that you say that "counselors" have "not wanted to touch this". I find that difficult to believe. That insinuates that your problems are either unfixable, or YOU are. And neither is true. I think also you have questions that can only be answered by an attorney. So in general you need professional help that will be worth more than just one more "oh, I am so sorry. How AWFUL". That can become a habitual way of acting. But it's a bad life having our only positive self esteem coming from the sympathy of others.
In response to so many who have told you that you have a right to your life, and that you must move away from abuse to save yourself, you have suggested that for one reason or another you cannot do it.
I recognize that lifelong habits have been formed here.
Often we think that if something is a BAD habit, or a BAD habitual way of reacting that is causing us self harm, that we can just "stop". It isn't that easy. And no one telling you to "just do it" can help you. And no amount of our sympathy could ever be of use to you.
What is needed is counseling in ways to change your own habits.
Your Mom won't ever change. But you can. HOWEVER, much of that is whether or not YOU make the CHOICE to do it.
When you begin to decide to see someone for help pat yourself on the back. It takes great courage. It is a huge step. The "known" is what we cling to, even when it is a BAD known, because the scariest thing in the entire world is to take a NEW road in the darkness.
I wish you every good luck. Do know that often shelters for women currently being abused can lead you also on to counseling to help yourself heal and to move you in a new direction.
I am truly dreadfully sorry for all you have gone through, but my sympathy will net you exactly zero in help to move forward for your own life. I hope you will find the courage to seek help. No one can do it for you.
I don't know if you are a member of a faith community. I myself am an atheist, but I can tell you that the faith communities often can help us, connect us with help, and provide us with supportive help we can honestly find in almost no other places, and that's just a fact.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the very best.
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ProfoundDespair Apr 2022
Alva, yes I know that. I was seeking advice and support. I wasn’t sure which attorney to seek out.

I never said I cannot move away to save myself. I said it’s not easy, and I have invested in this house, too.

And I have spoken to MANY counselors over the years. I found 2 recently and spoke to them.

When you’re in the throes of grief, sometimes sympathy does help. Just until you get back on your feet. That may be an unpopular opinion, but this is real life. I just need time.

I came here because I saw the Caregiver Abusive Relationship link and I wanted to reach out to see if others had experienced what I’ve been through, and which legal options were available to me. Apologies for my frustration and desperation, but basically my child was murdered by the person I despise most in life. There, I said it. That’s how I FEEL. Maybe I should’ve waited for a year to post what I did, but I was hurting too badly.

I’ve hit rock bottom several times, I’ve taken the “new roads in the darkness,” I’ve chased down blind alleyways. And again this may be an unpopular opinion, but what I’ve discovered is there are no resources or support for “caregivers” (or whatever you wish to call them), the law is rarely on your side despite evidence, and if you’re anywhere near an angry, bitter, and abusive “elderly” individual, you have no rights and can and will lose everything in a split second.
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Continued part 2

None of what you do is for her. It is to find you again.

Stop accepting that you are being victimized and start seeing yourself as a survivor. Every single time you feel victimized by her change that to how can I survive this and believe it?

Look at realistic ways to create separation from her, her words and her space. Implement them.

If this means buying a small fridge and an induction cooker to not share with her, do it. She can have the drunken sister cook for her.

Make sure that there is good insurance on the house and contents. If she is intentionally doing things to destroy the house you want to make sure and have rebuild costs and good personal property coverage. Have a go plan and escape route in the event she succeeds in doing something.

I won't ever sleep around my mom, ever, because she has proven that I can't trust her. So, I wonder how you can stay.

I know you are angry that people are telling you to leave. That's good. Because anger is far better then apathy and that's where you were. Get pissed, it will change your perspective and it will change your actions. I have NEVER seen a pissed person be victimized. Stop being her scratching post.

Right now you don't know your legitimate options. Go have a consult with an attorney and get that sorted out. You will feel so empowered knowing exactly where you stand, no matter where that is.

You can do this! It will be hard and it will be scary, as you know from volunteering in a woman's shelter but, it is the rest of your life you are talking about. So! Do it!
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ProfoundDespair Apr 2022
Thank you for your reply. I’m not angry at people here telling me to leave. I’m extremely frustrated. It’s not easy.

I’ve been angry at her for decades. I can’t stand her and she knows it. She throws it in my face daily. But I can’t express myself (or my grief, agony, pain over my baby) around her because she has the police on speed dial every time I so much as sneeze. I’m being harassed by her and them for doing absolutely nothing wrong, and yes I’m sick of it, it’s affecting my sleep and health, I have to bite my tongue and STUFF MY FEELINGS. I’m terrified of saying anything against her cause I can’t handle any more harassment and drama from stormtroopers. This woman has terrorized and abused me since I was a child. I’m angry at myself for not leaving sooner, because I’d still have my sweet boy with me, and that tears me up every time I think about it. I loved him more than anything, and I failed to protect him. And I blame myself. I’m going through immense grief and crying all of the time so I’m trying to stay away from people until I can function.

Just to clarify — she is 79, not 93 (that was someone else’s mom who posted here). And her alcoholic sister lives far away, as do my brothers, nobody ever helped the hundreds of times she was either in the ER or getting surgeries or rushing to urgent care, and no one ever visits, and she doesn’t visit her kids, grandkids, or sister. Yes, she was dumped on me by my (non) family. They make excuses all the time why they can’t see her.

Only thing I asked her is to to LEAVE ME ALONE so I can grieve, and think. But she won’t. I can’t even look at her or hear the sound of her voice without becoming nauseous. She’s constantly yelling across the house, knocking on my door, asking me questions, whining and complaining, manipulating, leaving her notorious “poison pen post-it notes. She’s extremely negative, abusive, and toxic. I need a very long break from all the NOISE and CHAOS. If I had somewhere to go, I’d be there already! Sorry, I’m venting. I really have no one to talk to. Even the counselors didn’t want to touch this…
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I would consult with an Attorney. You need to put a STOP to all this. Get a court order. Sell the property & move away..
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PD, I just read what you found in the binder and that changes your standing a bit.

I don't believe you can force her out or force a sale but, I don't think she can evict you either.

Because she gifted you half the house you really need to speak to an attorney to find out what, if any, your rights are. Do not bother with the attorney that drew up her papers, it's a conflict of interest and they won't help you but, they could tell her everything you said.

If your mom is 93, you must be close to/or are retirement age yourself. Have you ever worked? Are you eligible for SS and Medicare? Do you have a pension or any source of income? You don't have to answer here but, I am asking because that gives you choices. I'm talking about home improvements that separate the spaces securely. Even solid doors with deadbolts can give you some security from her behavior.

What I am going to say now is going to seem harsh, it is not intended to hurt you, please know this.

Whatever sick dynamic you and your mom have together, you have participated in and she is winning. Probably because she will sink to lower depths then you. I speak from personal experience, I frickin had myself convinced that I could love my mom enough, long enough to change her crappy, attacking behavior towards me. Boy, was I queen of denial! She enjoys shredding my heart, screwing with my head, arguing with me and telling everyone and anyone that will listen what a piece of sh!t I am. Your mom does the same thing to you and you, unfortunately, have remained subject to it until you frickin believe her. She's NOT RIGHT by the way. You may have participated in this dysfunction for decades but, that doesn't make you a bad, useless person, so STOP BELIEVING her vile opinions. STOP speaking about how you have no one and your life is ruined, ONLY IF YOU LET IT BE is any of this true.

START telling yourself that you matter. What she spews is all lies and if it isn't, then start changing your behavior to make them lies.

Stop worrying about belongings. Get those solid doors and deadbolts and let it go. It's just stuff and if you die from the stress of "protecting" it, what will it matter anyway?

Make a point to take your dogs and get out of that toxic environment daily. Even if you just go to a dog park. You will meet people with the same interests, your beloved dogs. Start making acquaintances but, don't dump your toxic home life on anyone. Be positive, pretend to be if you can't really be, while watching your dogs play and make new friends, try to make your own new friends.

Your mom only has the power over you that you have given her. TAKE IT BACK!

If she screams at you, tell her to stop and walk away. If she is saying vile things, tell her she can believe whatever she wants but, you know the truth and walk away.

Fair warning, when these woman see themselves losing control over the person(s) that they have used and abused for decades, they freak out and things amp up like you can't believe, they are trying to put you back in your place. They will surprise you with their ability to be evil towards you and everything you love, nothing is off limits for them to regain what they perceive as their control. DO NOT BITE. Don't argue or change your strategy at all. Tell her she can believe what she wants, you're not arguing, tell her to stop and walk away. If you react, she will see this as a crack and batter away until you blow.

Stay physically away from her, don't get close enough for her to touch you or your dogs. I always kept my dog on a leash when I visited my mom, she doesn't have boundaries and I would have been in jail if she hurt my dog, so I protected everyone by keeping control of my dogs. Huge pain, yes but, so much easier then the alternatives.

Start taking responsibility for changing your life. You have let her do these things for a very long time, you are responsible for staying, so you are responsible for making the needed changes for you. Continued
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ProfoundDespair Apr 2022
Is “gifting” someone part of a house different than co-owning? “Joint tenancy?” I put my time and money into this house as well. Although I didn’t have the inheritances and ex husbands money to help.

Many of my friends who have dogs also have RVs (or travel trailers, camper vans, motor homes). Every other house in my neighborhood has a camper. This is something I’ve considered. If nothing else, I could get away for a few days or weeks to clear my mind. I’d rather have a house and stay put, but my options are slim.

“Your mom only has the power over you that you have given her. TAKE IT BACK!”
>Yes and no. I stopped doing most everything cause I was exhausted. Then she found the superpower of calling the police constantly and that has worked wonders for her. I was quite shocked that you need ZERO EVIDENCE to be harassed and threatened by stormtroopers. She discovered that once you’re “elderly,” you can CALL CALL CALL and make up any BS story with no evidence, no witnesses, no basis in reality. She loved seeing me terrorized. Every time they came, she had a huge smile on her face. I didn’t even know this was legal?! That’s why I was wondering if I should also find a criminal lawyer? I’ve thought about suing. I am exhausted. This is the card she’s been playing and it has worked for her, and she continues to threaten to do this. For everything. Example, if I don’t answer her/don’t feel like engaging, she threatens to call the police that I’m abusing her through “abandonment and neglect,” things like that. “The woman who cried Wolf.” One time my ex boyfriend was here when she called the police, he saw everything, and he was so angry at her he let her have it (verbally) afterwards, and she didn’t care.

“Fair warning, when these woman see themselves losing control over the person(s) that they have used and abused for decades, they freak out and things amp up like you can't believe, they are trying to put you back in your place. They will surprise you with their ability to be evil towards you and everything you love, nothing is off limits for them to regain what they perceive as their control.”
>Absolutely. I was detaching and feeling so much better, she couldn’t stand the loss of control, and that’s when she started calling the police. I’m not sure where she learned this, it may have come from her alcoholic sister. Making up complete LIES, but I assume by law they have to come out and check on her because she’s “elderly?” No matter how outrageous the accusations they have to “CYA?” One time she called the police and told them I was speaking in a “demonic voice.” And they actually showed up over that! I was already sleeping in bed, by the way, when she called. I was surprised they didn’t take her in to be evaluated for mental illness. This is one thing that needs to stop in order for me to make any traction forward.
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People are telling you to run and get out because the woman is dangerous. She is a danger to your dogs and to you.

And unfortunately going to the source of the problem legally is difficult because the law seems to protect the abuser more than the victim so the only solution is for the woman to leave to save her own life. It's just how this corrupt thing called justice works.

I feel you are in grave danger. Even more so now that you posted more information on what she has done to you and your dogs.

There has got to be a way to get her out of your house and into a psychiatric facility of some sort.

The hidden cameras may be your only way to get proof and build a case. If you are not willing to leave.

I get you put all your eggs into this basket of this house and being free when she dies but damn she is only 93 I say that because she could live to 100 and maybe even past that.

If she has to go into the hospital for anything that may be the only way you can keep her from coming back home and having her put into a facility. Here is hoping that is sooner rather than later.

And yes you are in an abusive relationship. No different than a woman living with an abusive spouse or boyfriend.
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ProfoundDespair Apr 2022
Yes, you’re absolutely right! It’s what I’ve been trying to do.
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I honestly don't mean to be rude but who is the "caregiver" here, and what does it actually entail. Sometimes one just has to take the hard road and leave; the alternative is to live in bondage to whatever keeps the entanglement thriving. Doesn't sound as if you are able to affect any change in mother's behavior, or even really be an influence in her life. You are in an abusive relationship so choose to stay or go. Your mother obviously has other family members aware of her situation.
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ProfoundDespair Apr 2022
I’ve taken the “hard road” all of my life. I haven’t posted even a fraction of what’s happened. Im not in my 20s anymore. I’ve put all of my resources and time into this situation. If I were in my 20s with a husband and family and support system (even just ONE person) somewhere to live and didn’t invest so much time, energy, resources, that’s different. I could drop everything and live in a box.

Why doesn’t SHE leave? She is at a very advanced age and mentally ill. And dangerous. I’ve put decades of time and money into this house. I have legal rights. This is not the same as a “divorce” and I’m not in an “abusive relationship,” I happen to
live in the same dwelling with a sociopath who is chasing dopamine hits, validation, ego boosts. NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. Ive done over and above way more than most daughters would do. She can get help if she chooses. We are not tethered. There is a lengthy background to this. Her problems are not my problems. I detached, and I think that’s why she targeted my loved ones.

Some posts in this discussion are descending into classic “VICTIM BASHING.” I’ve seen it when I volunteered with domestic violence shelters. The women who were abused were advised to RUN RUN RUN GIVE UP EVERYTHING and be homeless. Everyone blamed the women who “put up with it,” rather than going to the source and the cause of the original problem. The onus was always on the woman. I’ve never seen that turn out well. There are other solutions.

You can run run run from your problems. That doesn’t make them go away. The same issues resurface in other forms until you face it and work it.

There’s a better way of handling things. I posted the contents of the legal documents, and still no one has read or responded to it??!!??

If I leave her in charge of MY house (too) then there goes my nest egg that I’ve invested in. I have nothing else, I have no one else. I invested into something that brought me joy, security, and stability. She lied and is trying to destroy me. She has left faucets running, left the stove fires running, flooded the house many times, left garage door open, left gates unlocked, left front door unlocked, she accidentally locked her dog in the freezing garage all night, left pool gate open and 2 of the dogs fell in the pool during winter and I had to jump in to save them, she has frequent identity theft and hacking episodes, she loses her insurance cards and ID cards, she loses bills, she can’t manage her finances, loses her purse regularly, sleeps until noon and sometimes much later, I could go on and on. She has plenty of places to live, I don’t. She has retirement money. I don’t. She has other kids and grandkids. I don’t.

The replies initially were helpful here. Now some have descended into attacking me, when I am NOT THE PROBLEM. This happens every second of every minute of every hour of every day all over the world. Yes, CAREGIVERS ARE ABUSED. Get used to hearing it cause you’ll see it happen more and more.

She is your average classic insecure BULLY, enabled and empowered by a system that needs to modernize and adjust to ever changing dynamics of family and societal systems that don’t work together anymore. I can’t believe I have to take so much time to write this since we are all mature intelligent adults.

I’m not abandoning my remaining dogs. They’re all I have. I haven’t met one person anywhere who is 100% completely alone — i.e. no dogs no cats no kids no grandkids no siblings no nieces no nephews no cousins no spouses no relationships no aunts no uncles no godparents no parents no grandparents, so let’s please not go there. It’s asking too much of me and I’ve already lost everyone I’ve loved. All I have are my dogs. I’ll find a way to live. If people can squash a family of 6 kids and parents and a grandmother into a rental, I’m sure I can find someone who will accommodate me and my sweet, quiet small dogs. This is real life. I need to know what my rights are. Thank you!
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Honestly I would forget about going to the funeral in a couple of weeks. You have too much to take care of at home with trying to possibly figure out your hoising issues and the fact that you want to leave your remaining dogs all alone with her is troubling.
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ProfoundDespair Mar 2022
I am NOT leaving anyone alone with her! I never said that. As I wrote, IF I left the house I would happily pay an off duty law enforcement officer or bouncer (a lot of people here looking for side gigs) to watch my dogs and my personal property. Not a house sitter or pet sitter. Like I said many, many times, I am ALONE. Not even my family will help me. All of these great suggestions mentioned do take time for me to drive places and talk to people (attorneys, court clerks, storage facility, landlords, mechanics, etc. I’m doing the best I can with very low energy and even lower morale. I can take my dogs with me some places, but not everywhere. Everyone in my “circle” has a pet sitter/house sitter except me. I could move a lot faster if I had ONE person to help. I also don’t want her to throw or destroy anymore of my things. So, if I’m gone for more than 10 minutes I sure could use the help of somebody who needs the extra money.
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Call a lawyer, any lawyer and tell them what you are experiencing. If they are not the right kind of lawyer, they will give you names of those who are. Get out of there and stop listening to her! It does not matter what she says, does, or what you think she'll do. Save yourself. Now. The deed is the deed. You own half no matter what she says to you or threatens you with. Never mind about the will. She can't leave the entire house to your brothers because you own half. Give up the idea of getting the entire house. Go. Make a new life for yourself. Forget all the secret camera ideas, which will take too long, and go before she really hurts you. She seems quite capable of that and you seem capable of letting her. Change. Go. If you don't have money, go to a shelter.
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PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
Possession is nine tenths of the law as they say AD, so I wouldn’t make myself homeless.

Nor would I do it for my animals. This might be the hardest part for op, but most housing she could immediately get probably wouldn’t allow multiple dogs, and psycho mom gets off hurting them. Op, you could check next door to see if you can foster them temporarily.
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I so hope you are planning on leaving. I can't imagine living like this everyday. When you leave, if you feel Mom needs help, call APS and tell them she is a vulnerable adult. If nothing else it will get her on their radar.
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I have to go to a funeral in a couple of weeks out of town (5 hour drive), and I’m worried sick with sky high anxiety about my remaining dogs, AND my personal property. I never go out of town anymore, obviously, but this is someone I knew a very long time who was very kind to me. I don’t think a house sitter or pet sitter will be enough (and besides, she will threaten them, threaten me, or call the police on them and me, I’m sure). I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but I’ve considered hiring an off duty law enforcement officer or bouncer to watch my end of the house. I need someone with nerves of steel who isn’t easily manipulated or coerced while I get my things in order. I just need ONE. I’m all alone. My mother is hard core. She has out smarted every member of our family, and others. Whenever I leave the house even just for a short errand, I have to lock all the doors to my space, put up privacy curtains, make sure house is spotless so she doesn’t take photos and threaten to sue me, and I take my dogs with me. It is very stressful. I don’t have family in town, and my friends will not come here anymore. I have a few things to finish up and it’s difficult to move from point A to point B without her literally on my tail interrogating me, threatening, yelling, nitpicking, calling the police when nothing is going on, physically getting in my way when I’m going from room to room, going through my things, texting my every movement and thought to her alcoholic sister who gives her strategies to ruin my life. All of this slows me down, like dumping a bucket of nails in front of my tires. Wondering if there’s a service where I can hire someone for a day.
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PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
Kennel your dogs for the funeral. After this, it may be time to consider rehoming them. Yeah, that does suck but if there’s a psycho whose going to do them harm, it’s the better option.
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We have similar situation. Mother put PFA against her son who has been taking care of her for 20 years. At 93 she’s making all kinds of changes. Took his POA and gave it to a neighbor. Old people will do ANYTHING to keep control. Her deed has her son as half owner in common. She recently gave her half to another estranged son with right of survivorship, done secretly-which is permitted in Pa. That son is back in her life and she has turned on the one who did her repairs, put a furnace in and stairlift for her with his own funds. A protection from abuse she placed on me as daughter in law and my husband has allowed her to claim the “it’s my house and I will do what I want” SO…. Now while we are in exile we wait a hearing for abuse charges that are clear to attorneys on both sides WILL NOT hold up. She used it as a tool. Now we are in battle for her to buy his half of the property and to wash our hands of this TOXIC woman, and never look back. She however only has about 10k in total assets, so it’s nearly impossible. My advice to you- get a police report on an issue she pulls on you, if you can. Regardless, I would get a Protection from abuse order against HER, as the county courts seem to hand them out like water! Force her out of the home with the PFA and use the time to recoup your sanity and have an attorney step in. Delay of court dates on a PFA will give you more time. GOOD LUCK We feel the pain too!
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ProfoundDespair Mar 2022
That is really awful what you’re going through! I’m hearing stories like this more often. She’s 93? Rage and anger must be the fountain of youth cause it’s been working for my mother. What good does it do to maintain “control” for these sick people? All they end up doing is driving away the one or two people who genuinely care, and they die alone. They should instead become kinder, more compassionate, loving, so people WANT to help them and care for them. I doubt the neighbor will be there for her. Or her estranged son. This is so classic. My brothers never did anything for my mother, even when she was critical in the ER one time. They never came or helped. Lately she’s been talking about her final wishes and now my brothers are sniffing around with dollar signs in their eyes. It makes me sick. I did everything for everyone almost my entire life. And now I lost everyone I loved. I hope you and your husband get what you are owed, and then some, and have a peaceful life. Nobody deserves to go through this.
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Profound, your answer to me below says, before she changes her will...your original post says you found, decorated and put all of your money in this house.

Are you actually co-owner or are you beneficiary to half the house, because that makes a HUGE difference in your rights.

Can you clarify and be specific about what that situations really is please.
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PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
She said she’s on the deed, so co owner. Mom probably promised her she’d be beneficiary if mom died.
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What a terrible situation! My condolences on the murder of your sweet little dog. Please consult with a real estate attorney to figure out how to get your 'mother' to buy you OUT of this house you CO OWN with her; she can't 'kick you out' of something you OWN, nor can she leave you your own house in her will! She can leave you HER SHARE of the house, but really, who cares? The main thing is to GET OUT of there and don't look back (once you get the $$$$ you're owed). This is not a 'mother' but a sociopath/psychopath and someone who will definitely destroy you and laugh while doing so.

You may also want to consult a Certified Elder Care Attorney to see about what other rights you have here and if you can film her; what route to take with all of that.

I just want to wish you good luck and Godspeed in getting out of this house ASAP.
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ProfoundDespair Apr 2022
Thank you, I’m looking for one. 2 very good recommendations. And good observation on her, this is exactly how she is.
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Whether or not your mother changes her will, and whether or not you leave first, it won’t necessarily affect the issue. If your name is on the title deeds, you can almost certainly force the sale and the division of the proceeds in any case. The will in your favor just means that if mother dies first, you would inherit her half share as well as your own half share. It’s not worth selling your soul for. If the title deeds are for a ‘joint tenancy’ not a ‘tenancy in common’ you would still get it all when your mother dies.

I’m a lawyer in Australia, not the USA, so I don’t know the details of how the legal profession is set up. My best guess is that any firm with several partners would have someone who could take this on. An individual lawyer with a general practice in a smaller town probably could, unless they say that they specialise in something different. A well respected local lawyer would probably refer you on if they have not come across this issue before. My suggestion would be to go to see a respectable real estate sales agent, tell them your story, and ask them to suggest a lawyer who deals with real estate. They will be happy to talk to you if they think they may get the job of selling when the lawyer has sorted things out.

You clearly don’t understand all the details of your rights. It is really important that you get legal advice to check the title deeds and explain what you need to do, preferably before you leave the house and CERTAINLY before you sign anything.
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I read your update below about the sweet potatoes. Yes your mother is a killer and fully evil. God knows what else she did to your dog when you weren't there. She is not even human.
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ProfoundDespair Mar 2022
Thank you. You understand what I mean? How I feel at this moment, he meant so much more to me than this house or a Will. I’d do anything to have him here with me. I’m blaming myself for not taking serious action sooner, then maybe he’d still be alive? He was like an angel sent to me to help me get through this living hell. He was so happy all the time and always cheering me up. He was my sunshine. One of his many nick names was “Happy Feet” cause he reminded me of that adorable little dancing penguin from the movie. He was very loving and protective. He knew immediately who was good for me and who wasn’t, and he let me know with his very expressive and intelligent eyes. It’s difficult for me to explain this to some people who don’t understand or experience this kind of incredible bond. He was really the only reason I kept going. Im completely overcome with grief right now, I have no energy, and I’m trying very very hard NOT to let that grief turn to anger.
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How are ru and Mom?

Do you have a job? Do you make enough to find another place? Because damn if I would allow this psycho to ruin my life anymore. You need to get as far away as possible. Your Mom needed help when she was a teen and did not get it. She is mentally ill.

Get to a lawyer. They maybe able to force the sale of the house or make Mom pay you your half. Do not stay there waiting for her to die so you have a life. If she needs care, her sister can provide it. Mom can pay for it.

You will never have a life of your own until you get away from ur relatives.
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Are you in a large city? Is there some kind of women's abuse center that can direct you? I would think Elder Law or Estate Law (I'm not a lawyer). I'd also go visit something like Radio Shack and ask them about hidden cameras, how they work, etc. If they don't have something for you, they may be able to tell you what you need and where to find it. I agree - you need to become an expert at hidden cameras and fast. Many lawyers will have a free consultation, I'd visit several until you find one that will listen to you. You need to find someone on your side, I don't know how that happens if people are uncomfortable visiting you - do you have anyone that can help you with a secret camera, like one on your body? I'm sure there are options, you may need to do a little research. Good luck.
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Get a lawyer, call around and have a conversation to see if the office is an appropriate lawyer. Warning about cameras, find out what you can and cannot do legally. My SIL did an interview with my FIL to charge her brother with tampering with POA .. it was not admissible….

unchain yourself, you have the keys
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‘We co-own a house, so neither one of us will leave... I wanted to have a life and family here in this house, I love this house, I found it, decorated it, spent all of my time in it, put all my money into it’.

You need to decide if you want a life or the house. If you want a life, a lawyer can help you force the sale of the house and the division of the proceeds between you and your mother.

Yes, you probably won’t keep the house. But telling yourself “we co-own a house, so neither one of us will leave”, is chaining yourself to your mother and a toxic situation as well as to the house. You and mother may both end up leaving, or either one of you may be able to raise the finances to buy the other out. But you need a lawyer to make it happen.
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ProfoundDespair Mar 2022
She used the house as a hook to keep me around to take care of her FOR FREE whenever she needs it, I think. In her Will the house goes to me (not split 3 ways with my 2 brothers). But now she’s found a new way to torture me by threatening to change the Will. So I need to hurry up and find a lawyer (what kind??) before she does that. I would only get half instead of all of it, but I can’t live like this. She threatens me that she has other ways of getting me out, and she won’t tell me what that is. Her waves of abuse are getting shorter and shorter. I used to be sad thinking about leaving this house, but that sadness has been replaced by the devastation, shock, and grief of losing my little baby. I’d rather he be here alive with me and I live somewhere else, I don’t care anymore!
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Jesus I am so sorry about your dog.

She groomed you to be a victim but you don't have to be.

Turn that sadness for now into rage and anger and do everything you can to get her out of your life. I would setup video cameras all throughout the house so when she pushes you and becomes violent you will have the evidence needed to press charges.

When all that is done you will be able to grieve for your baby.
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ProfoundDespair Mar 2022
Visible cameras or hidden? If they’re visible she’ll use that against me too. Yes, I need to get angry. She’s bullied me since I was a child and it’s gotten worse as she gets older. I feel like I’ve been ripped open and gutted and I have no energy. I want nothing to do with her. If I spend the rest of my days with no contact with her ever again, I will be very happy and at peace. I never thought I’d be able to say that but after what she did, I am done with her at last. I wish I had left sooner then my sweet little boy would still be here!
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She can't evict you if you own half the house. She is just spewing her ignorance.

You need to video tape her outbursts and abuse. You need to call the police every time she hits you. Put deadbolt locks on your personal room(s), install cameras with audio to ensure that you can prove if she breaks in. They are actually really cheap now and provide great audio visual recordings that can be stored on the internet.

I would go to the law and file an injunction of haressment against her, with the video proof and police reports. Odds are she will have to leave the house, a forced sale will be ordered and the proceeds will be split.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of saying a word to her. Let her stew in her own hate and don't engage, no matter what.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dog. I think you have been shown who and what she is, believe her. I wouldn't eat or drink anything she has access to. She is obviously evil and you could be in danger.

Get to the courts on Monday to get that injunction of harassment filed. Don't let her take your home without a fight.
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ProfoundDespair Mar 2022
Agreed. But she doesn’t see it this way. She continues to yell, “THIS IS MY HOUSE AND YOU DO WHAT I SAY!” Both her name and my name are on the deed. So that means I own half of the house. She told me this won’t be my house until she’s “dead and gone” (her words). I don’t have any video yet. I have several hundred pages of documentation. Nobody looked at it. I thought about using my cell phone but she’ll see it. Maybe I should purchase a hidden camera on Amazon (not sure if it’s legal to video someone without their knowledge?) I have to plan this out flawlessly because she’s very dangerous and litigious. She has had the police come to the house a half a dozen times and it scared me to death, and she enjoyed it. She always had a smile on her face. Each time they came out, they talked to me, saw that nothing was going on, and left. Except for one time. So she may already have built a case against me. Based on NOTHING. She told me a couple of weeks ago, “I have bruises and I’m gonna tell the cops that YOU did it.” She also threatens me DAILY that she’s “documenting” everything I do. That’s harassment. That’s another time I should’ve recorded her. So far, the police WILL NOT listen to me. They don’t want to deal with a crazy, litigious old woman. So, which lawyer do I need to look for? And which court do I need to submit evidence? Where do I get an injunction of harassment? From the lawyer? I need to order some hidden cameras first so I have the video proof. One I have some video evidence then I can get an injunction, right? She just threatened me a few minutes ago. I feel like I’m living in a war zone. I just need to know which lawyer to look for cause she has RUINED MY
LIFE! Every aspect (my relationships, my jobs, my friendships, my reputation, my finances, my health is affected, my sleep, my self-worth, and my little baby who didn’t deserve this!)
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Lawyer up, get your own place, and leave her to rot
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ProfoundDespair Mar 2022
Thank you. I will!
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