Mom is 85, can't do a thing for herself, and refuses to leave her home. I have taken over her household to maintain her ability of living in her own home. I do not care for her 24/7, but visit weekly or at least every other week. I found an ANGEL private caretaker who basically works almost 7 days a week, 8 hours a day, doing everything for my mother. My mother is "healthy" but has severe pain in her musculo-skeletal system, severe scoliosis, torn rotators' cuffs, arthritis. She is a widow since 2012.
My mother is not a sweet, little old lady. She is stubborn, petulant, pouty, senile, and of late, very, very nasty. It's like she's lost her "filter" and thinks she can say whatever she wants. The person receiving the brunt of this is her caretaker, who is an angel from heaven, but who also happens to be sensitive in nature.
I try to keep the caretaker happy. I like her a lot and know I would never find another person to slave away for mom the way she does (strong work ethic). She has her own hard life and problems, and I'd love to pay her more, but I have to watch the funds. So I bring her little gifts and thank her profusely for all she does.
I want to scold my mother for her horrible behavior. Her excuse is she is in pain all the time, but I do not think that gives one a license to verbally abuse those around you. Where have her manners gone?
When my mother demanded something of her caretakerin in front of me, I stopped and looked her right in the eye and asked her, "What happened to 'please'?"
Do I try to have a conversation with my mother about this? With her senility, I think she will only forget whatever I say. Several months ago she was criticizing me for not being a good enough daughter, and I stopped her and reminded her of all I've taken over for her benefit plus running my own life/household! She apologized and said she doesn't know why she says the things she does to me.
Why do the elderly get this way? It is very upsetting. Any advice?
Yes, the filter does seem to go out the door with dementia. I do call my mom on it, however. You and/or the caretaker angel can FAIL TO RESPOND to the rude demand, like you didn't even hear it. In other words, rudeness gets no attention, no response. "Would you like to try asking again, but nicely?" ; ) It's the same behavior modification technique we use with children and dogs. As long as a behavior is not rewarded (unless it's self-rewarding), it will fade.
you can only support your angel carer, and let her know that you don't believe a word your mother sez, that she has always had a Miss Piggy personality Moi Moi, and mee mee mee all the way home. When I worked in the rest homes I was able to make a joke out of it, but there I was caring for 40-80 and moving on, being a one on one is a little harder, esp on the 8th hour.
YOu could pull your mother up by saying using nasty attitudes will mean no home help and the solution will be entering a rest home situation. So she can decide.. and see if that helps.
A couple of things, since I used to own an in-home care company:
There will come a day when she is sick, or her kid is sick, or she just needs a couple of days off. Be sure you have a backup plan. You may want to ask her if she has a family member who can fill in or a friend.
Also, from experience, the gifts are nice. But money would be the best gift. I know you said funds are tight, but if there were a way to just give her a "bonus" and tell her how much you appreciate her, that would be great. Tell her you will be glad to refer her later (after her services are no longer needed.)
Good luck.
Sharon
It does sound like you have an angel caregiver and I think it's wonderful that you show her how much you appreciate her. She sounds like a true professional in that she doesn't let your mom's nastiness get to her. And when your mom is being nasty to the caregiver you might advise the caregiver to react the same way you did: "Whatever happened to 'please'?" Said with a smile of course.
Not all elderly become this way but the elderly who have dementia do go through a personality change.
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