I am trying to organise for Mum to go into respite when we move because I cant manage everything...I just can't. Mum is determined she is not going to go and currently they are listening to her not me. Advice?
Right now I feel like taking her on the day to the respite home for a day visit and not going back to pick her up, but that would end me in deep poo so don't even suggest that route!
Church functions do come in handy, and IF Mum's church had a 'function' during that time-a women's tea? Maybe you could drop her off. This plan would be good to do just before the move, getting her used to going out more, while at home you are MOVING, not shaking.
Then, go undergroud with the actual moving dates. Put on a calendar March 1st, when the actual moving date is a Sunday, somewhere in time. Just stop sharing everything with her to limit her stress, so she won't come back at you with more stress for you.
Plan a three day overlap for the last day to be in the old, and into the new. Moving expert here, sort of. There is just no way with Mum's needs, your age and stress level, and added stress of closing escrow, plus moving-physically demanding work- no way to do this in a day. Just think! You could be in the new apt. doing your thing for a few days before the actual big move, when Mum appears. Financially, it would be worth the decrease in stress to pay rent an extra few days. Don't tell anyone the move date so they won't spill it to grandma. Start sneaking out boxes-'Oh, these are going into storage til after we move', etc.
Congratulations! Good on ya, Jude. With your organizational skills, things will go better than you fear.
I think that I might take on the role of expressing your justified anger for you!
Unfortunately to get her to say yes requires Social Service approval and they ask the question when are you moving? They won't talk to me alone and then they ask her if she is happy to go into respite. Answer NO. I am murderous but feel like my hands are tied behind my back. If they shove the broom up my backside I could sweep the floor too!
Seriously though, could you at least hire someone to keep her occupied for the day?
When selling, I made a mistake having the close of escrow 30 days, or sooner. Escrow closed that morning, my realtor notified me to be out by noon. If ever I had to do it again, I would add a clause to be able to rent back the home I am selling from the new buyer for 3-7 days, so I could handle the moving slower.
Ask your realtor or solicitor to suggest it, taking out the 'rent' from the proceeds of the sale. Computed on what the buyer will pay for mortgage, divided by 30 days. Or any amount they would accept.??Kapisch?
She said I don't want this to which I replied so don't eat it. She ate it! perhaps it pays me to be harder
The reason is, the practice of true religion is to visit the sick, the widows and elderly. Many churches help others move! Except, in my former church, they only helped VIP's and the pastors move! I requested help-was alone, divorced. As I and the movers were driving away at dusk, here comes two in their pick-up truck. Told the movers not to stop to talk to them.
And now you all know how I hurt myself for life, lifting boxes, moving furniture that I should not have done to save my health. As well as allowing a root of bitterness towards those derelects! Derelects who thought they were hiding drug addiction, faking recovery, infidelity, attending sex-addicts anonymous meetings to hook up! Hiding alcoholism from other christains attending that church. Well, I saw it.
They will call you back she said,
When I said,
Within the month she said, H
Have you not heard a word I have said
Yes but we are busy she said,
But I am too we are moving
What postcode (zipcode toy you across the pond) so I told her
Oh then you don't want us you want xyz
So I rang xyz
Ah no we can't help because your mother is in abc now.
Deep Breath - yes I know she is but we are moving to you
Because she lives in abc we can't help
And because she is moving to xyz abc can't help either
Sorry we would have to do an assessment.
She has had an assessment
OK Im done where is that bloody gun - I will shoot meself then abc and xyz can fight it out between them!!!! For goodness sake what a shower of poo these people are
My only other suggestion, which i think was already put out, is to have someone sit with her in the old place until the movers are done. If she won't go to respite happily, then she'll just have to put up with the flurry of moving and you ignoring her. She'll have someone else with her. If she has hystetics, you call an ambulance.
I'm sorry if I sound cold hearted. But i have a very low tolerance for crap from my mother.With or without dementia, If she wants my help, it's on my terms, or she can find someone else.
We will miss seeing you (no they won't she will still go to church and they never ever visited)
You will miss that house you and hubby were there for how long .... 38 years ?oh you must have so many happy memories (yeah thanks for that one!)
An apartment oh you will miss your garden (thanks for that one too)
We will have to come and visit you (hmm is it wrong to call church folk liars?)
Oh the move must be awful for you all that packing how on earth are you going to manage it? (decrease her stress why don't you!)
Then the social workers
What date are you moving on - don't have one yet but probably in about 3-4 weeks
Oh we can't do anything until we know and 3 weeks is a short time you should have contacted us before (I did you told me when we had a date)
Then the fiasco of the location we are moving to
Bolt on the now Mrs xxxx are you looking forward to the move (well she was - she was the one who wanted to move)
Its going to be a big upheaval for you isn't it? (Geez thanks for that one)
Now Judith wants us to find a repost place for you while the move is going on would you like that (NO!)
Well it would be easier for Judith (Humph)
You could go to the last place you went to would that be alright with you (NO)
Well Judith we can't place your Mum in respite if she refuses to go
Smirk from mother who knows this fine well I am absolutely sure of this
Thanks for nothing.
You are trying to go by their rules, of all things!!
Tell them the move has been delayed, and that you are just hanging on by a thread. That if they don't help you now, it will not be cost effective for the system to care for Mum in a facility and in addition put you up in a psychiatric ward.
Always, after entertaining the first two who answer the phone, ask for their supervisor. Cause they are busy, and are going to get a whole lot busier right away with you calling daily. The whole idea of respite escapes me. How in blazes can one plan weeks in advance for a time when the caregiver will have burnout.???
Jude, see your doctor. Tell him/her. It is not like you are trying to scam the system. Over in U.S. we have media, such as 7 on your side. A problem that cannot be solved is taken to the media. This may not work in your case, but whatcha gonna do, cal the queen? Or can you? We also can call our legislators. Or a lawyer. Ah, yes, call your solicitor?
In my experience, this all just becomes too hard, so I back off, regroup. Those phone calls can really stress me out!
Thinking about it, cannot everything in today's world be fixed by getting a doctor's order? By your doctor, or by Mum's doctor? Posting now, cause you won't have time to read this.
In this, everyone must agree with you!
Counting down to the move,
Caregivers unite, getting in the groove!
If we could all fly to be at your side,
then a thousand caregivers could change the tide.
Sending good thoughts to you, from varying parts of the world,
It feels just like we are already there with you.
If Mum doesn't cooperate, we will be sending her some kaopectate.
These people are really a shower of poo!
Jude said it and I believe it too!
The battle is on the council has now been told . they are going to ring me today before 5 it is now 5:20 well no surprise there then
and now I remember to turn caps lock off sorry peeps
So yes she can go in for two weeks - yay - BUT before you all go wow brilliant - Not until after we have moved! I give up I do really!
Oh and while she is in I won't get paid at all neither will she get her carers allowance. Just brilliant. SO didn't they do well? Well actually no they didn't but I guess if I can manage the move at least it will give me a couple of weeks to unpack and sort things so I have to be positive!!!!
You sure have a good attitude towards those shower poo people who really went out of their way to NOT meet your needs. You are right though, respite after working yourself to death might work. Except that it should be you entering a care facility to be cared for.