Advice seems so easy!
My mother moved into a IL near me. The plan was for her to enjoy the opportunities the place had and move to AL when the time came. She is starting the dementia process and all that goes with it. She was close enough I could visit and help as needed. After a few weeks she decided she hated it and moved in with me. I had no intentions of her moving in with me. She is not an easy person and I knew it would be a nightmare. Somehow it just happened and now she is living with me. Now I am the blunt of her anger, pride, depression, AND she blames me for the whole situation.
I have tried taking her to other places, hoping she would be willing to try them out. But that doesn’t go over well.
Many people respond with “get them out, put them in a SNF, your life and family matter more……ect. HOW do you just “get them out”? HOW do you deal with kicking your parent out of your home?
my mother was never the loving kind, always more worried about herself. So there is not a lot of warm feelings towards her. But she is my mother and I am afraid I will be stuck in this situation for a very long time.
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I think it's past time to tell her you were happy to help out temporarily while she looked for a new home but it's getting old and you want your life back, and set a firm end date. Do everything possible to help find her new home and arrange the move.
AL should not be a choice at this point, and isn't a matter of "kicking mom out" but explaining you made a spur of the moment decision based on emotions which was a mistake and now needs to be remedied. Kicking her out means you'd make her homeless, not send her back to a high priced AL. I'd nix the IL now since dementia requires a lot more services available to her than you may realize.
Make decisions and choices based on ALL the lives that are affected by your parents issues. Everyone has to suffer with the consequences so make sure you take that fact into account. If it were me, I'd give mom 30 days to get moved back into managed care. You'll only be stuck in this situation for as long as you allow yourself to be. She doesn't have to be deliriously happy in AL, just safe, fed, socialized, and out of your hair. Adult children don't always realize it's not our job to be our parents entertainment committee and retirement plan for old age.
you have to get out of the mindset that you still have a parent child relationship. Or you have to realize you are the parent now. Would you let your children run your life even though you knew it was wrong?
your are right, it is difficult to get them back out of your house which is why you don’t move them in to start.
I would see an Elder Law attorney about the least damaging way to get her out of your space.
And this is where it ends up.
Your plea "but HOW" (to get mom to leave) is the problem. Once you take in an elder he/she is "home". The instant mail shows up in your mail box for them they are legally (in most areas) a tenant, whether they pay rent or not.
Most in your situation have not gone to an elder law attorney with the parent to work out shared living cost contracts. Nor have they negotiated when the shared living situation will be re-evaluated as to whether it is currently working for both parties.
It's no comfort to you that you serve as an example to others, and I so wish I had a magic wand here. The only advice I can offer is that you must now sit mom down with you and family and explain that having her in your home is not working for you; that you do not intend to have her live with you, that you expect her to vacate your premises by (give the date), and that you will assist her with finding ALF or other facility.
This will all be complicated if you are currently her POA, but if you are not it may be too late for her to assign you dependent on the level of her dementia. You may need to consult with a LSW in private practice or with an elder law attorney if your mom isn't cooperative in placement plans.
I am so very sorry you are going through this. I so hope others have advice that can be more helpful than my own. I hope you will update us as you move forward to free your life from a situation that may ultimately only get worse.
again, thanks for the kind words
You do the opposite of what you did when you moved her in. You will also feel the opposite of what you felt when you moved her in.
You dislike her living with you. On the other hand, you also dislike having to tell her that you want her to move out.
You have to decide which situation you dislike more. Then, which one you have the strength and courage to deal with.
I can tell you this. Once you broach the subject and break the ice, and face her anger, which is the hardest part, the rest will be less difficult.
Here are some suggestions of what to say to broach the subject of her moving out.
"Mother, we need to talk."
"I love you but I hate living with you."
" I must have my own space and privacy and time to myself."
"I don't mind helping and taking care of you, but I can't do it much longer."
"I need my life back."
"You need your own place."
"I am miserable living like this."
"I know you will hate me for this, but I must have my own space back."
"If we lived in the same house much longer, I'd go mad."
I hope some of the above lines help you.
There is some good advice on this thread if you can get past the “ should not have done that “ . We can get a bit overzealous sometimes when we see a caregiver being taken advantage of by an elderly parent . Many have been in your shoes where a parent was able to manipulate the situation .
Yes, she’s your mother. But you matter too . Mom needs to be where she will get her needs met . You need to be able to live in peace as much as possible . None of this is easy because mom may never be happy , and may continue to blame you .
When I asked my first few questions here, I was surprised at a few rough answers that pointed out where I was being naive . I got passed the “kick in the pants” feeling and focused on the good advice and it help ALOT.
I decided I was sensitive because of my situation at the time and it was more important to find solutions to problems than to cherry pick a sentence here or there that hit a nerve . Sometimes an unexpected truth being pointed out hits a nerve .
Even some of the ones that were a bit rough , had some of the best advice . I hope you stick around .
I was taught to stand up for myself by my mother--by observing how she set limits with HER mother.
I get that not everyone had this instruction.
Can we guide you better?
Do you have DPOA and if so is it activated? If so, you can decide where she is going and when and get all the paperwork done without her knowledge. I gave my mom 2 days notice that she was moving. The next morning her caregiver came and my hubby and I set up her AL apartment and the next morning I brought her over, got her settled and left. None of this was done in an angry fashion but just in a matter of fact "this is the way it is" type of manner.
You don't have to give her a bunch of reasons or point out all her shortcomings as the reasons for her going back into AL. Just tell her something simple and rather vague like "sorry mom but this is just not working out for me". Call a few AL facilities that you think are good and see what the availability is. Don't tell your mom until it is very close to move in day or you will be subjected to more negativity and complaining.
Best of luck.
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