Advice...when to just let go?

My mother refused to wear a mask to her 'drive by' 90th birthday celebration. She's DEFNITELY very high risk.

DH and I are also High risk and when we saw that almost no on was wearing a mask, we said our 'hi's and 'goodbyes' and left pronto.

Mom's attitude was that COVID would be a fine way to 'go' What she didn't bother to think about was the high risk pregnant granddaughter, the daughter who was just finishing cancer TX (me) and a liver transplant patient (my DH). I thought it was incredibly selfish, but we just didn't hang around.

If your mom is like mine, her whole life is about herself, until verbally and continually reminded that they are NOT the center of the universe.

My husband has cancer right now. I can’t imagine going to an event without wearing a mask and being around others who are selfish and won’t wear masks.

Call it what it is, plain and simply, selfish behavior, not caring about spreading a disease that has killed so many all over the world. This is a pandemic!

Let’s hope there will be more transparency and medical professionals can speak more freely in the upcoming year.

How can people foolishly believe they know more than the medical experts?

Her husband has everything right to be upset.

There is no logic in her behavior. What a shame for your stepdad.

The only person's behavior that we can control is our own. Always true but painfully apparent now.

People and organizations who have downplayed the danger of this pandemic and have spread lies and half truths that lead to risky behavior by folks who fall for it are directly responsible for increased suffering and death. I don't know how else to put it.

I'm so sorry that you're left trying to figure out how to minimize the fallout for your family.

Not only should your mom not be participating in an event like this, I think my bigger question is WHO is holding an event like this where 90 people are attending right now? Or ANY people are attending right now.

Nevertheless, she needs to quarantine away from your stepdad, regardless, and she should wear a mask around him. I know people are skeptical of masks but where I work we require PPE and no more than 15 minutes at 6’, and we have only had 2 cases since the pandemic began. Wearing a mask is better than zero, but at the very least she should be tested in a couple days, and again after another 7 or so days.
And if it’s at all possible, tell her she can’t participate in these events anymore until the pandemic is over.. Tell her her doctor or your stepdad’s doctor ordered that. I know you can’t control where she goes and what she does, but you need to let her know that a virus will control that if she is not careful.

Good luck.

Some people are in just plain denial and having fun trumps being cautious and a grown up. I heard the other day on the news a RN say that she hears some on their Covid deathbed still saying it’s a hoax! Incredible.
You are within your rights to do your thing and sadly you can’t control her. I’m so sorry that her selfishness and perhaps her dementia is putting others, especially her husband at risk.

Not really any advice. I think you cannot stop her. I feel worse for your step dad whose life she is quite literally risking. For myself I honestly don't care if I go of Covid-19. Old retired RN and I can think of lots worse ways to cash in my chips at 78. However, my 80 year old partner doesn't feel the same. So I would never risk bringing it to him knowingly. Her now new husband may want to consider different living choices while Covid-19 is raging.

Upset???

FFS!!!

Your poor stepfather. If your mother is always talking about Covid, is she also always talking about his immunotherapy and cancer?

You are completely correct, and I completely sympathise, that you are not your mother's keeper. But, okay, so what does she have to say for herself about protecting her husband whose ill health makes him so vulnerable?

What does your stepdad want to do about this? I think all you can really do is back him up.

I live in the burbs of Denver; here we can't go ANYWHERE without wearing a mask. I'm surprised your mother was able to attend such a large function w/o masks being required!

That said, it's very questionable if masks really WORK. I have a friend who's in the hospital now with covid, in her early 30s, who caught it from her boss. Both of them were having a meeting in a smallish office, both wearing masks, and his WIFE had the virus. The meeting lasted for about 40 minutes or so. She became sick a couple of days later, and is now in the hospital with sepsis and very low 02 sats. She caught the virus while both of them were wearing masks and while the boss was only a carrier. He later tested positive himself, however. Masks do not always prevent the virus from spreading. In fact, it's questionable if they work at ALL or if they're just used to make us feel as if we're doing 'something' to be proactive. Studies show that 7 or 8 out 10 people who catch the virus wore masks 'most' or 'all' of the time prior to getting sick.

You can't do anything about your mother's refusal to wear a mask, unfortunately. The truth is, she should not be going to ANY large functions now while her DH is going through cancer treatments and his immune system is compromised. Mask or no mask. My DH just went thru open heart surgery on Oct 30 and there is NO WAY I'm going out in large crowds to run the risk of exposing myself to the virus and bringing it home to HIM!

She's the one who has to realize the danger she's putting them both in, but mostly her DH, by going out to large functions right now with the virus rates rising daily. Dementia or no dementia, I think she does know, but chooses to be social over everything.

Sorry you are going through this worry; I understand, I am an only child too and my mother also has dementia and a very, very self-centered personality. It's all about HER 24/7, which is extremely irritating. Wishing you good luck!

Each time I found out mom (84, dementia)left her apartment to go shopping with her sitter I quarantined from her for 14 days. That is about all you can do. Sitter now knows this is an absolute no. I made sure the rest of the family who visits her knew about her little trip. This is after her doctor told her absolutely no shopping. We have several high risk family members we are trying to protect.

I think your stepdad is the only one in a position to do anything in this scenario, albeit complicated by her mild dementia. What do you want advice on: whether you should interact (or not) with her? Is your stepdad able/willing to protect himself (quarantine) from her? I don't think you'll be able to "reason" with her and her even remember anything she agrees on. Is she driving herself? Maybe her car needs to be "in the shop" for a while...?