Two years ago after a gut-wrenching breakup with a total JERK who basically criticized my caregiving (after pretending to be helpful in the beginning), I decided to give up on dating. This wasn't my first failure at dating while caregiving as the relationship prior to that broke down considerably after I moved my Dad closer to me and started the whole caregiving process. That guy was super nice, but I was a mess. It took a toll on the relationship and we mutually decided to end the relationship.
...so there's this guy...
who has been relentlessly pursuing me for over 6 months. We've known each other casually for almost two years, but I've ignored his efforts because I don't think it's fair to share my caregiving burdens with some unsuspecting soul. He's aware from coworkers that I help out with Dad, but no one can know the full magnitude of our plight unless in it.
Anyway, I FINALLY gave in and decided to go out with him and we had SUCH a great time. He was attentive, understanding, and I haven't laughed that much in years. Of course, I gave him the spiel "I'm not in the position to date... blah, blah, blah", and he said he understood, but he wants to take me out again... and I'm TERRIFIED.
My life is about to change in a month when I have Dad at home with me essentially full time. I have a caregiver helping out 4 days a week, but I would essentially have a curfew (gotta be home before she leaves at 11 PM). Dad will be with me, so that would mean having eyes and ears around should we want to spend time together at my place...
I like the guy, but I think I should quit while I'm ahead. Besides, maybe I just liked the ATTENTION (haven't even remotely entertained anyone in two years) instead of the guy.
Why did I open this can of worms? How do I let him down easy?
Yes, there are men out there that can not only handle caregiving but also be supportive.
My DH had been concerned about maybe having to take care of my parents financially - but he was really glad that he wanted to be with me more than he was worried (in his first marriage he had to help support is in-laws until they passed, and he was married until his first wife passed, 37 years.) Well, he wanted me more than he was worried and we were together 33 years before he passed a couple of months ago. He was older than my parents but survived them by 14 years for mom and 7 years for pop.
I say, see what happens - because you'd really hate yourself if you threw away a gift of the perfect match just because you are afraid. Be open and honest in your responsibilities and see what he says.
i agree with much of what Surprise said. Caring for our parents can have many layers disguised as love and loyalty but very often many of them run far deeper into more painful areas of need and longing for things like approval and validation we never received in the past. Tread carefully and consciously.
Do not limit your life and cut yourself off from socialising in any way. Your father may be coming into his final years but you most certainly are not. It is a fine balance between giving our time to caretaking and taking time out to tend to our own needs. Your life must continue in order for you to remain healthy and whole. Only then can you present your best self for and to your father. Never use caring for him as a cop-out for not living your best life. I do not know how old he is but you do. Consider how much longer he may live. Are you willing to surrender that many years of your happiness and fulfilment to caretaking? If your answer is yes, you have a problem that only you can fix. If the answer is no, you are ready for a second date.
Wishing you peace as you move forward in your life.
Just be honest and tell the guy up front. If he cares he will be still be interested.
You are imposing a curfew on yourself. Granted it may be an occasional thing, but there are people willing to caretake those hours, or even a few hrs. It could be every Friday night, or occasionally. Maybe you can be home during the day and swap times with the caretaker. Or get a college kid if dad sleeps thru the night. Or a backup caretaker who is familiar with dementia if m9re care needed.
If dad is sleeping boyfriend can come over and have a quiet evening there. It is about spending time together, not what you do.
A lot of caregivers who don't have outlets other than caregiving and working, usually are at the breaking point.
Don't let that be you.
so... what if you never see him again and he was the right person and it could have worked out?
is it a fear of failing.? but if it doesn't work out deal with it later? at least you gave it a shot. maybe it is ~worth~ finding out and not having a regret later
What I hear you writing is that you really enjoyed your time with this new fellow but you are committed to living your life devoted to a man (dad) who physically abused many people you love and who leaves a load of guilt on your doorstep daily. You don't think the new guy would understand why you would do this to yourself since your previous friend/jerk could not understand your lesser involvement with dad at that time.
I feel like your future caring for your dad that you describe is that of a hermit or a monk. Instead of doing this for religious devotion to God, you will be doing this in an effort to be the one person who your dad might find worthy of affection. Perhaps that is a religious devotion, as our parents are our first image of God, and you are still trying to please that first god in your life. You are not going to find that affirmation from your dad with all of his emotional and cognitive deficits.
You *will* find the affirmation you need from one of these fine young men who encourages you to have less involvement in dad's day to day life. If a man is fine with you having this super high level with involvement with dad after your cloistering begins, I would see that as being a red flag that he does not want to have a serious relationship with you where he has to have a higher level of involvement and committment in your life.
I think it would be an ***excellent*** idea to pursue a relationship with this man so that you will have support as you realize your limitations. You would also do well to find a therapist so you don't rely on the guy to help you set boundaries/ listen to you complain about the life you have chosen. I have a feeling that is what caused you to react to the "jerk" who saw that you were not taking care of yourself.
Tiny, I know these are hard words to hear. I do hope you can use them. <3
Years ago a coworker and I had a platonic relationship. We liked each other and enjoyed each other's company but there just wasn't anything else there. Neither of us enjoyed going to couple events alone. We had dinner together a couple of times a week; went to movies, ballgames and concerts; and were each others "dates" for company parties and weddings. We live in separate towns now but still get together every once in a while.
Enjoy
just because we are Caregivers doesn’t mean we can’t have any life at all. It’s not easy to balance a social life and caregiving. But, you know what. If we really want to we can do it. We make plans and arrangements and we just do it. If you spend time with this man, you will learn whether he truly understands your life and duties. If you don’t, you’ll never know. Give it a chance. This could be something really good for you.