My husband passed a little over 2 weeks ago. He was only age 63, but had a myriad of chronic conditions that affected him both physically and cognitively. The last 10 months, in particular, were ... rough.
His 92-year-old father (FIL) is in "Independent" Living.
I'm still in shock over my husband's death, and miss him horribly. But life, and its necessities, go on.
My FIL has dementia. He can only move far enough to get himself in trouble. His delusions cause him to get into lots and lots of trouble.
My 2 SILs have taken to staying with him overnight, every night. Nobody's pressuring me ... but I feel I need to step up, too.
That said, the whole purpose of placement seems to have been defeated. And, to be candid ... my Inner Monster Brat does NOT want to sign up for more caregiving. My Inner Adult, however, wants me to get a grip. After all, this is not the full-time caregiving I'd been doing.
What would you do?
Did your SILs help you when their brother needed caregiving? I would be prone to doing the occasional casserole run if yes. If no, I would not respond to any direct or indirect guilt trips. Change the subject. They’ll get the hint.
Take your time to grieve your late husband. My heart goes out to you.
Wishing you the best of luck creating YOUR new life after the sad loss of your dear husband. There's plenty more things for you to get involved in now that you have free time. Please do so, without calling yourself ugly names in the process. There's no point in doing such a thing!
And don't feel guilty!!!
I am glad to read that you are not signing up to be a caregiver for your FIL. You deserve to have time to deal with your loss and circumstances. May God bless you with grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time.
My SILs are overwhelmed with FIL's care. One of them is freaking out. She doesn't pressure me, but her pain does reach me.
I love them all, but now I realize it's too early for me to take on a new "client." Especially one with deep cognitive deficits.
Although the past 10 months with my husband were the most difficult, I've had to "think for two" - at least to some degree - since his first stroke in 2011.
Time to start thinking for one ... and frankly, I no longer know how (if I ever really did).
I will support them as best I can ... but ... I do believe I've joined Team Monster Brat.
Many thanks to you all!
I believed Confounded is absolutely within her rights to take the same approach.
I'm planning resuming hands on caregiving for my LO soon, but, I would not consider it if she was acting out, having delusions and difficult to control. Have they tried medication to help him? If he needs a level of care that requires someone staying all night every night, then, what happens during the day? It sounds like he does need a higher level of care 24/7.
So sorry for your loss.
FIL is already in hospice care, but said care seems scanty to me. Again, up 'til now I've been too preoccupied with my own household to be sure.
Will see if I can learn more after sunrise.
Thus far, no one has pressured me to step up ... but it was made clear that my doing so would be welcome.
I learned this from one of my mom's geriatricians..."A sudden change in mental status is an emergency and should be reported to the doctor immediately".
Delusions are never normal, but when they show up suddenly, the cause should be pursued. If a doctor was informed about delusions, ordered a perfunctory urine dip stick test but went no further, then FIL is getting rotten medical care.
Hospice is another service that might bear looking into.
FIL "tested negative" but, Barb ... you reminded me that there is more than one test for UTI; sometimes all of them are needed. (My think is on the blink. No way should that have slipped past me.)
Facility has 24/7 MD access, but I don't know about their geri psych situation. Will find a way to check into that. One SIL may become willing and able to do it.
CM ... I don't want to prop up a failing facade. And yes, my Inner Adult may well benefit from going off on a long hike. Still, it feels wrong to go all Tough Love on my SILs at this time.
I'm very fortunate in that, though we've had our moments, we've become family over the decades.
That said ... *measured* support is probably the way to go.
If you need a long hike, go for one.
Please give yourself breathing room. Accept that you need to have some down time to grieve, to settle his estate, the make big decisions for yourself, before you can expend energy on someone else.
I was certain moving my mom, post stroke and post broken hip and surgical repair was going to kill my mom. She thrived and lived for 4 1/2 years there!
What SILs are doing is unsustainable. Don't go there; the sooner they are forced to come up with a better solution, the better.
My mom's Independent Living facility had a geriatrician and geri-psych who had offices on site. Is anything like that available? Also, know that UTIs in elders sometimes present as behavioral disturbances, so pass that knowledge along.
Be well. (((((Hugs))))))
And, besides:
If your SILs feel the need to support your FIL overnight every night, he may be in independent living but he is not living independently according to standard criteria for these facilities. His care plan needs to be reconsidered. And, so, in any case - no, I don't think you should prop up a rocky arrangement.
FIL's officially diagnosed with Moderate Cognitive Impairment
(... riiiiiggghhht ... and I just won the Nobel Prize for Rocket Brain Surgery ...).
His facility does have a Memory Care "neighborhood." At the moment both SILs are adamant that any kind of move will kill him outright.
Me? I'm thinking either a move, or a waking nighttime caregiver. Maybe even both. There does seem to be money available. (Hadn't thought about the geriatric psychiatrist. Thanks for the suggestion!)
We lost my MIL on Thanksgiving week, and not only have I just lost a husband, but my SILs lost their only brother, and my FIL just lost his only son. Now FIL, himself, does not appear to be long for this world.
I'm sure none of us are thinking straight at this point.
Maybe you need to compromise and listen to both your "brat" and your "adult"...maybe, instead of taking on caregiving for your FIL, you do a little caregiving for your SIL's...maybe offer to do some of the little things we all wish someone else would take on for us while we were/are caregivers...for example: "hey, I'm running to the grocery store, why don't you give me your list and I'll get your stuff"... or "do YOU, my SIL, need me to do anything for YOU, like laundry, housecleaning, etc."...That they haven't pressured you into helping with FIL, in my opinion, shows such care about you, probably realizing you've just been to hell and back and they don't want to add pressure. If you were to lend them a hand, you could still be "helping" with FIL without getting sucked back in (a terrible expression, but I hope you know what I mean), and maybe that would assuage your guilt for not "doing more".
I hope you can find the peace and comfort you need and deserve!!
(((hugs)))
Your FIL's care is something that his children need to figure out. "Independent Living" is not a suitable level of care for someone with dementia.
He needs a higher level of care and the addition of a geriatric psychiatrist to his team. "Stepping up" is only going to prolong the "propping up" stage.
Please take care of yourself. And no, you're not a brat.
You need time to discover what you want in life. I am sure more care giving is not high on your list of priorities right now. This does not mean you are a monster brat. It means you are looking after yourself.
Once you have rediscovered who you are as a single woman, then you can decide who you will share your time with.
A very wise woman told me the old it takes a year to grieve has been replaced by a minimum of a year, but add on one month for every year of your relationship, over 12 years. 30 years=30 months or 2.5 years to find your new normal. It was very true for me.