This person is a church member my husband I have helped since the death of his spouse. Generally, he's nice to talk to. At 95, he's quite sharp mentally and boy does he have interesting stories.
A few months ago he asked if I would take him to look at assisted living facilities, which I did. One was not bad at all and the second was beautiful. He has resources. He later told my husband he did want to be pressured and why should he leave his home. I dropped it, realizing he was just using me for a "Sunday drive."
After his electric was turned off for non payment, my husband and I began helping to organize his mail (there was two years worth that hadn't been opened) and pay his bills.
With his permission, I hired someone to cut his grass, rake leaves, and clean his house monthly.
The problem is, he complains about everything. "The restaurant should have put the food in the doggie bag. The landscaper costs more than he used to pay. The cleaning lady moved his stuff."
TODAY I lost it. It's coming up on the anniversary my mom's death and I know I'm emotional. I was her caregiver, but she didn't complain like this. I told him to hire people himself.
Now he has it in his head he wants to go to Costa Rica for two months!
This gentleman has no relatives. He's taken to us. We've had him to holiday dinners, my husband visits him once a week and takes him to lunch or just listens to him. I visit four hours a week and run interference for solicitors.
He has asked him to "pull the plug" when the time comes. I contacted his attorney to update his will, etc.
I guess I'm asking for advice on moving forward. I think it maybe time to get home healthcare. However, currently he can do everything for himself. But I fear him going to the basement to do laundry.
Any suggestions for preparing for his eventually decline?
Yes, its now time to find help for this man. Not opening his mail and not paying a bill means he had a problem his wife may have covered up by doing it for him. He now needs help you cannot give him. Call APS or even Office of Aging. Tell them this man is beyond you help. He needs more than a friend at this point.
As others have said, if you want to do anything more to help, report him as a vulnerable adult.
I am sorry that he didn’t appreciate your help.
Since you had his will updated, do you know his next of kin?
Does he have a relative living?
YOU are doing everything for him.
You can continue to call and visit (only occasionally), but let him know that he's on his own. If he wants to spend time in Costa Rica, tell him "bon voyage" and wash your hands of the whole mess while he's gone. Don't look after his house, don't water his plants. He can hire people. Be vague, be unavailable, say you have things you must do for yourself and become distant. Stay pleasant.
He may find a honey in Costa Rica and think everything is wonderful. Whether it is or isn't, not your problem.
Back off and call his county's APS to report him as a vulnerable adult. Once he is on their radar, they can legally help him and eventually will acquire guardianship of him. Then all his affairs and care will be managed and they will find an appropriate facility for him.
Propping him up in his home will exhaust you and anyone else attempting it, as you've already found out. It's not just that he's complaining, he has dementia and it will only get worse. If he hasn't paid his phone bill in 2 years, he has memory problems as well. Often people with dementia will also become very paranoid. I doubt you calling his attorney will lead to anything since it's not his Will that needs updating but whether he has a DPoA to get things under control. You do not need to be that person (and he probably won't assign you or anyone else, any way).
This man had his whole life to plan for this eventuality, and didn't. Now he gets to have the exit he planned for. Without you.
I saw it coming with my GFs mother. My GF had serious health problems of her own. Mom helped but Dad had ALZ. Started out just taking Mom to appts outside of town on an interstate. She was in her early 80s. It ballooned into helping my girlfriend and her challanged daughter. Out of 5 days a week one month, we took them to appts 3x a week. My DD got pregnant and I agreed to take care of her infant son. So that stopped the taking everyone to appts.
I then had the care of Mom, before she passed. My DH would ask if I wanted to stop and see Mrs S. I said no. Why? Because by that time, my GF and her DH had died. Her granddaughter's were doing there own thing and Mr S had passed. I so knew she would latch onto me and I just could not do it anymore. I have a mantra:
"I am here to help people find the way, not be the way"
You have helped this man, now its time for someone else.
You have taken on way too much.
His needs go beyond you ability to help him.
Let APS know he is a senior in need.
Tell him you are sorry but you cannot continue to help him.
Let your Pastor know about all this as well.