I’d posted awhile back about my estranged mother, who is mentally ill, showing up at my door needing help. So we are in the process of getting me immediate POA. She has agreed to sign that. We are moving forward with getting her ready for her big neck surgery. I don’t know what you call it, but they have to go in through the front and the back and do fusions at multiple levels. She’s also getting treatment for osteoporosis prior to this. I don’t like the situation I’m in with her, But. But I really feel cruel walking away.
and of course, we are working with an elder law attorney to get me in a position to manipulate her finances to get nursing home Medicaid if we must. But I’m seeing a few scenarios where I might end up bringing her home from the hospital after her neck surgery. She’s supposed to go to rehab. She has a history of hospital delirium, the most recent episode last fall, where she remained confused for a couple of weeks before she even came and found me. She was living in the house with shut off utilities, her doctors office even told me she showed up at their office barefoot. But overtime, She has cleared up a lot. My friend just put her mother who had a stroke in a nursing home with Medicaid pending. And right now the family is paying the nursing home fees while they wait on Medicaid. I am afraid to get obligated to that.
One of my very biggest reservations in me just staying at my mothers is her house. We worked with APS to get the hoarding situation under control. It has improved. The trash and cockroaches are mostly gone. Still a low level roach problem. The house had a full carpet steam cleaning. But there’s still way too much clutter that she won’t allow anyone to pick up, and I’m still just grossed out in general at the thought of eating anything out of her kitchen. I Fear going to sleep at night and wondering what will crawl on me. A few months ago a roach very nearly crawled on my face as I slept on her couch after an ER visit. We also found a rat in the home during the big clean out. We did have professional pest control done for that. But I’m just not comfortable staying in her place. It reeks of cigarette smoke. There’s no privacy, the bathroom door does not even shut all the way.
I’m considering buying a small RV and parking in her driveway. If I just had a different place to go away from her toxic presence, cigarette smoke, and the grossness of her house. I could be OK ISH. Thinking I could monitor her when I’m not in her home via a ring Camera or a baby monitor or something like that. My home is actually about 10 miles away from her so depending on what shape, she’s in, it might not be appropriate for me to stay at my home and just check on her. I could sell the RV when I no longer need it and get much of my money back. Does this seem feasible?
NO!!
”The trash and cockroaches are mostly gone.”
NO!!!
“A few months ago a roach very nearly crawled on my face as I slept on her couch after an ER visit. We also found a rat in the home during the big clean out.”
NO!!!!
“It reeks of cigarette smoke. There’s no privacy, the bathroom door does not even shut all the way.”
NO!!!!!!
“I could be OK ISH.”
NO!!!!!!!!
“Does this seem feasible?”
NO!!!1!!!!!
I would NOT attempt to care for her from an RV parked on her driveway. She cannot be left alone, if she falls it would be a disaster. I'd do as JoAnn suggests 100%. While she's gone, I'd pay ( with her money) to have the house totally decluttered and fumigated and disinfected in case she returns, or, to get it ready for sale. This is the type of surgery that may prevent her from coming home.
Contact an elder care attorney to see about what to do regarding Medicaid and the 5 year look back, etc. "Manipulating" Medicaid is the quick way to getting denied AND penalized.
You'll be in over your head trying to care for mom from an RV. Not to mention, no elder in GOOD shape should be living in a hoarded and roach ridden home. She probably won't even be able to wipe herself due to the huge restrictions from the neck brace. She can't bend down to pick things up......I had to use a grabber. A toilet seat riser is a good thing to have in the bathroom too. We just don't realize HOW much we turn our heads during a day and what it means to lose that ability....it affects EVERYTHING. Literally.
Good luck to both of you.
Taking her into your home is an even worse idea. Her condition will likely get worse, and then you’re stuck.
I empathize with your wish to take care of your mom, but sometimes you have to give up and go away. This is one of those times.
1. Never, ever take your mother out of a facility (hospital, rehab or NH bed) and bring her home. By doing that, you go back to square one with waiting lists. Facility to facility transfers are the ONLY way to manage this.
Say no, firmly, to any social worker or nurse who suggests this.
2. Do not stay with her. Do not pay YOUR money to a NH. Medicaid pending pays back to the date of application.
Talk to the elder law attorney about this.
Once she's in the hospital for the surgery, never allow her on your property again. Do not for any reason allow her to move in with you, even "temporarily". She belongs in a facility if she cannot care for herself.
Do not entertain the "live in a trailer at the roach house" idea whatsoever. That sounds like the plot of either a cheesy 80s comedy or a gritty 70s horror film and is an absolutely horrible idea either way.
Once she enters that hospital, she should be in some sort of facility for the rest of her life. If for whatever reason she manages to make it back to the roach house, provide no assistance to her whatsoever. No hands-on, no financial, nothing.
I want THAT in the slogan T-shirt collection too!
However, please understand that HER decisions, good or bad, do not dictate your behavior.
I have an adult daughter who is making very bad decisions right now, leaving her asking for assistance. "No" is my very consistent answer if it puts me out in the least.
I will print a computer doc for her; I will NOT rearrange my life to take care of her kid. I will not let her move in with me.
She's still my daughter; it's just that I have no sense of "have to".
Be your mom's daughter. Advocate for good care. That will be a hard enough job, believe me.
Why not let the state handle her? You are not qualified to deal with someone with all her problems.
Your plans, to me, make no logical sense, you are grabbing at straws.
There is no way that I would agree to being the POA. Cruel? There is nothing cruel about doing the right thing for her and your family.
All I can say is good luck!
Right, not you, not them.
The way the system works, your mother has to fail for the State to step in.
We have a poster here, Katsmihur. She was in exactly the same position. Look up her posts.
Have you read "Never Simple" ,by Liz Scheier?
Until you step back and stop being her rescue plan, she won't get the help she needs and deserves.
20 hours a day? 2 hours a day?
Is being "on call" 24/7 do-able for you?
When she starts hoarding YOUR space?
How about when she refuses to allow the exterminator in because she is being poisoned?
Please think about this in broader terms than you are.