We moved my grandma into an assisted living facility last year. She was in an independent facility before that but my dad, my sister and I were going four-five times a day to take care of her. Make sure she ate, changed her diaper/clothes, give her her meds, take her out of and put her into bed. It was to the point where my dad would be late to work everyday from getting her out of bed and fed in the mornings and I wouldn't get home until after midnight from putting her into bed. She has a daughter, who lives an hour away, and just comes down on the weekends if she doesn't have anything to do. And during lockdown, we had to tell her constantly if she went out of town/state, out with friends, she could not come visit my grandma. This caused her to go months without seeing her, leaving the care to me and my dad. She had life alert, but would fall constantly and would forget she had the button to get help, so she would stay on the ground until my dad or I would get there for her meds. This prompted us to move her to a facility with round the clock care. Which was a massive fight with my aunt, who didn't see the need for a nursing home. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and now it's become increasingly difficult to visit her. When I go she thinks I'm a nurse and yells at me to get out of her room especially if I go with my dad. When she finally realizes who I am, she's nice for about five minutes then starts being real rude and snappy with me. Mainly because I'm the one telling her not to be mean to the nurses there at the facility or reminding her to eat and not spit it out. I try not to take it personally but there's only so much a person can be yelled at and belittled. I've limited my visits since these incidents to once a month, when before I would go weekly. My aunt thinks I'm not doing enough, and wants me to go visit/check on my grandma everyday. I think that's incredibly excessive but now I feel guilty for not only not visiting my grandma but putting the responsibility solely on my dad since he now has to visit her everyday for my aunt.
There is no need to subject yourself to a daily dose of grandma if she is mean, angry or abusive. It's sad, for sure, but sometimes our relationships with our elder LO's change dramatically as they age and lose touch with reality.
AND your dad does not need to visit grandma for Auntie. Tell Auntie if she's so concerned to get herself down there every single weekend. Auntie is obviously trying to get 'involved' by pulling the strings from where she is--and she feels that she is 'involved' if you or your dad go visit.
As long as Auntie can manipulate you and dad into doing the visiting then she doesn't have to deal with any 'guilt' about not being present.
I have a similar aunt myself and know how hard it is to be assertive and to put them back to their place.
But please tell her, it is more her responsibility than yours and her task is not telling you what to do...
Keep your visits limited to once a month, or, as you see fit. Dementia is very difficult to deal with and, if you are causing your grandmother more anguish than you're curing with your visits (as often happens when dementia is involved), then rethink the visits entirely. You can always call the facility for updates to see how she's doing.
Best of luck.
As for trying to have a more enjoyable visit...The sad fact is that your GM's dementia has taken her pretty far back in time and she may not recognize the person you are now. You might want to make visits less stressful for you both by accepting that she can't always identify you--go with the flow and be a nice ''neighbor'' or 'friend' dropping in to say hello. If she's always thinking you're nursing staff, what about asking one of them to go in ahead of you and tell her she's got a visitor? Maybe doing something that doesn't require her to do a lot, like listen to music from when she was young together?
Right now when you visit, some lady she can't identify asks her questions she doesn't know the answer to, and is telling her how to eat and behave. Just let that part go--She doesn't have enough memory to be able to manage her behaviors, and as long as she's getting good care let the staff worry about what she's doing.
You guys did a great job keeping her independent as long as you could, and somewhere in her heart she must feel that.
This is a good series about visits by Teepa Snow
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX
Best wishes..
She needs to allow the staff that is now getting paid to care for her to do what they should be doing. The more you do for her the less the staff will do probably with the attitude that they don't have to do much because family is still doing things.
If your aunt wants her visited daily she can go herself.
I think your dad should also cut back on his visits. But that is his choice to make.
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