Am I being too particular about my husband's care in the facility?

At one LTC I worked at, it was shower night for one of my residents and right before I turned on the water, I saw she had her watch on. I to,d her I would put it in my pocket to keep it safe. She got her shower and took her back to her room to watch tv. I went about my shift, we had very little idle time. About an hour or do later I go into my pocket for something and found her watch. I went straight to her room and I said I have your watch! She was so happy, she thought she lost it, I said no, I forgot to give it back...
On a personal note, my mother has moved from AL to LTC last week. I donated her furniture and when I went into her apartment, I found her hearing aid that went missing back in April when she went to the ER. It must have fell out of her ear and down through the cushion..

Hoo boy I guess I should be thankful that my mother is in an excellent facility by the comments here. She has only been in her memory care unit since May 5, and my dad passed May 25th so she has been there alone now. The staff takes her labeled laundry basked & returns only her clean clothes. I have never seen her in others (but she wears the same thing everyday) and others don't wear her clothes. She doesn't tend to leave her room much but she has all her possessions and so far have not noticed anything missing. Honest staff I'm guessing? My only concern is that she doesn't bathe-hasn't since I bathed her in April and staff states she will not bathe. Is this normal? She does get her hair "done" every couple weeks so we know that is washed.

Absolutely. My Mother is in a nursing home, I cared for her in my home for 2 years. She has been residing in the home since Feb this year. She is 92 has CHF, MD, Kidney Failure, and is on a level 5 of Dementhia, and cannot walk. I find her roommate with her tops on, her hangers are gone, and her clothes are NEVER neatly put back on the hangers. These trivial circumstances are NOT THEIR CONCERNS nor do they care! There are days Mom can't remember what she had for lunch or what she did that day...So don't fret the small stuff. All they care about is not being a burden to their loved ones, and getting the care they so deserve.Make a list of All belongings, and occasionally due a check. If you see his clothes on someone else bring it to the Head Nurses attention. Make sure he is getting the PROFESSIONALCare, Meds, Activities, Meals, Hygiene Care, Social Interaction and your life will become more relaxed. Oh, my Mom lost her bottom dentures in the laundry sheets, the facility replaced them. Chill out and just enjoy the time left with them.

I wear glasses myself and YES not only does prescription matter, but the frames matter, too. If the frames are not the right size they hurt or fall off the person's face, or the wearer will remove them and they'll get lost or misplaced. I can't see a thing without my glasses. I can't see a thing wearing another person's glasses, either, Mine are thick and I've worn them almost all my life. No one can anyone see anything trying to look through my glasses except me. Prescription specs are not like shirts. These are precision instruments, specific to the wearer, which is why they are prescribed and not purchased from a vending machine, or picked from a rack in a store or bought sight unseen from EBay or Amazon.

That said, I would highly suggest ensuring the glasses have some distinguishing mark or label on them, as per your elder's choice. Some are okay with a cord to wear around the neck, some aren't. The cord can be labeled. The labeling is for the staff so they won't put the wrong glasses on the wrong patient. For me, a lifesaver is a glasses case that's hard-sided, and easy to find and easy to reach and find. Remember, a person cannot see with her glasses off, so the glasses, when inside the case have to be felt and reached for when the person cannot see. Also, the person cannot see anything with glasses off, so if they are loose they can fly off a table and get sat on or stepped on. For me at least, keeping the glasses inside the case ensures that no matter how sleepy I am, I won't step on them, trip over them, roll over them in my sleep, or any other thing I will sorely regret. It takes ages to replace this prescription!! I actually purchased an awesome glasses case in a Goodwill store that isn't a glasses case per se, it's a pocketbook! It's probably for girls, but it has a small handle I can use to hang it on a hook so it REALLY won't get lost at night. Label the glasses case with your elder's name.

If your elder isn't wearing the right glasses, she could end up with headaches, she won't see well, she will lose things (if she doesn't already), she won't see the food she's eating, she'll seem ten times more confused, she won't recognize you or anyone, she'll squint more, she will have a hard time relaxing, she'll be ten times more frustrated, and she'll wonder if she has cataracts. If she's unaware that she is wearing the wrong glasses she might be embarrassed that she is losing things and try to hide that she appears even more absent-minded.

Jennilou, bathing is really important! It looks like you posted in July, and you stated that your mom had not bathed since April. Then, you say, she went into the facility in May and she has not bathed the entire time? I believe there are local laws for basic cleanliness in facilities. Have you yourself looked into why she is refusing? I have seen a variety of situations and usually when patients flat out refuse for lengthy periods there's a problem at the facility. This might include inadequate water temperature, dirty tubs including feces or other matter in the bathing area, insects, slugs. or mold, not enough privacy allowed while bathing, not enough respect given to body privacy, bathing is not done in a gentle manner, bathing is done on the commode while patients voided, gang showers while staff watched, staff made rude commentary while patients bathed, etc. Sometimes all it takes is one bug crawling in the tub or feces on the rim of the toilet for a patient to feel sickened and then, not want to bathe for a week or so. Yes, these things happen! If a person does not bathe for two months I cannot imagine how yucky they feel and smell. Ask her why. If you are in the northern hemisphere it's summer and sweaty. Get her a bath! She will feel better!

Part of my sister's job at the memory center where she works is to be sure family understands that everything needs to be marked when the patient is admitted and whenever they bring the patient something new, and it's my sister who tries to do that. Any clothing, wall hangings, radios, TVs (which Maintenance needs to check), etc., are to be handed to her at the front desk, and she marks them as soon as she has a chance and sees to it the objects go where they're supposed to. It's amazing how family carrying in nice things will try to sneak past my sister on the way in to see their loved ones. And her advice is just don't bring in anything you don't want stolen (nicer purses, jewelry, etc.), that the patient insists on having in the room. My sister says the amount of nice clothing that just "disappears" is amazing, and she attributes it to her coworkers, unfortunately.

Just FYI, not having a shower is not exactly the same as not being cleaned.

Yeah a friend of mine had a leather jacket "disappear." It was originally a gift from a relative. I was heartbroken. It was probably worth a lot, too.

If they are trying to shower her at night, maybe they should try giving the shower during the day. I had a lady who would hit me and tried to bite me on shower days because her family was coming to take her home. They switched her shower to day shift and she was more cooperative. I just got a copy of my mothers Residents Rights as she was just moved from AL to LTC and it states "that they cannot force a Resident to shower, eat, or participate in activities. ". Showering is healthy for hygiene and it's also good for circulation.

My mother spent 4 years in a NH that I'd call good, not great, and we had only a few times of things going missing. She was dressed in her own clothes everyday, and I don't remember them being lost or on other people. We had everything marked in sharpie with her name and room number. I don't think it's asking too much to have your own clothes and glasses. Someone in our family was onsite each day, and that may have helped to ensure she got attention, I'm not sure.

Ibeenscammed is so right. Jennilou, find out "why" your Mom refuses to shower. There is always a reason. Sometimes, too, it plain laziness on part of the staff. If they don't feel like doing a shower on a cranky resident and they announce to the resident that it's time for a shower, and the resident says "no" once, they don't ask further and move on. They notate "resident refused" on the records. Path of least resistance.

I believe a well run facility with properly trained staff can manage to shower ANY resident. My own Mom balked at showers until I actually spoke with the aides that were assigned to shower her. I let them know she really needs a warm shower because she was cold all the time. I brought in fragrant shower gel for them to use in a mesh pocket to use in the shower. They were pretty receptive to using it. My Mom never complained about a shower again. Look up Teepa Snow's videos in showering AD patients.

CarolC75 -- I ordered custom iron on labels from Labeland online. Very reasonable. As others said, some missing items are non negotiable -- teeth, glasses, hearing aids, shoes. As my Mom lost weight, her hearing aids were constantly falling out of her ears. Also, LEAVE neatly printed signs on the wall in her room near her bed or dresser/closet. When staff would dress my Mom in the morning, they would put her hearing aids in and then put on a mesh headband around her hair to "hold" them in her ears. Then I bought her the glasses rope (I can't think of what it's called) that slips over the arms of the glasses and hangs around their neck. When she tried to take her glasses off, she couldn't get it off.

When my Mom went into memory care I had the same experience with the clothing and possessions. At first it really bothered me but then I began to realize that the clothing and possessions were only material things. The important thing was that Mom was well cared for. She was clean, well groomed and most important happy. As the care center said when Mom moved in, I always label her clothes. She doesn't have anything at the center that we wouldn't be upset if it was lost. As for eyeglasses, those are easy for a person with memory problems to misplace and another resident pick up. I would imagine they will show up one of these days. Just let the staff know and they'll probably keep an eye out for them. I've noticed that some of the residents both male and female have their eyeglasses on cords around their neck. Might make it a little less easy for a person to just take them off and leave them somewhere.
Might be worth a try.
Don't sweat the small stuff. Chances are it's not an issue at all to your loved one.

I don't know if this will help concerning the glasses - Zenni Optical(on-line site) has glasses at a reasonable price and some can have a engraved line on the stems ... a name or initials could be engraved so that at least they could be identified by a willing staff or family member. Also a beaded chain could be added for easy wearing of the glasses when not on the face - these can be bought at stores or if you are crafty the component's may be bought at a craft store so they would be one-of-a -kind ... and it may be good to get a photo of the person in their glasses as a reference for the staff. I hope this helps a bit.

CarolC75: The answer is that ALL, and I mean EVERY SINGLE POSSESSION, of his has to have his name placed on it by his family member, YOU...even down to his toothbrush! This is what I had to do at my late mother's facility. Otherwise, things walk.

My mom won't let staff bathe her and calls me names when I insist she take a shower - her last was on the 4th of July - I work long hours and only visit her at night and she has no interest in showering then - she's afraid of falling and taking a shower is a lot of effort so she sponge bathes
She brushes and flosses her teeth every night and that's more important at 93

Since she's very focused on having money - she grew up in poverty - I found some good fake money online to put in her purse - once when her purse went missing the only thing taken was her money - staff must have thought it was real - ha ha a resident would have taken her candy and tissues too - lucky I got a wad to give her more

True, you cannot force a person to shower, but you can make the shower more appealing and less threatening to the person so maybe they would want to do it. Inspire her! Maybe a nice soap, her favorite kind. Ask her what she likes, or one of those loofas, or maybe she likes a certain type of shampoo or body lotion and is having trouble verbalizing her request. Some prefer baths over showers and vice versa. A sense of body privacy varies greatly between each person. I'm not sure if having siblings or having experience sharing a room (such as a dorm or boarding school) will change one's body privacy sense. When I was 11 or 12 for a while I was fearful in the shower because our little puppy had died during the moment that I was showering. I took baths instead for a month or so. I couldn't help but think of her every time I turned on the water. The way we bathe has an entire family and cultural history and lifetime of memories. For some it can even have religious or spiritual significance. They say poets and writers think up their best writing ideas while showering or bathing. Wasn't it Galileo who figured out the Displacement of Water while soaking in the tub? Ah, a deep subject.

If I were babysitting and the kids refused to bathe, I'd just turn it into loads of fun.

Why do we always assume it's the staff that steals from a patient? Nursing homes, assisted living facilities and memory care centers are open to the public. Residents may walk off with another's belongings and so may visitors. Even the nicest resident can have some shady relatives that aren't above stealing. When I worked in the hospital we always had to try and keep an eye out on the visitors and more than once we caught visitors in other patients rooms.
I'm not saying there isn't theft by staff in care facilities. I am saying that one shouldn't accuse staff unless you have the evidence to support your accusation.

Again, all the comments are so good. My hubby still has his marked glasses so maybe the florescent tape worked!
I've been told that in a memory care facility it's a bit different than a nursing home or even an AL because the people are free to roam around, which is true in this facility. It's good in one way that they can go all over the place, get exercise and not feel so locked in. And they do try to keep the doors locked to each room but that isn't always the case.
For instance, last time I was there, my husbands door was unlocked and I found a lady wandering around in there. I made her go out and told the staff she was in there. They said, oh gosh she's always in other people's rooms! Maybe she's taking things out, I have no way of knowing.
They said there no way they can watch everyone all the time because that's the nice part of the facility, is the ability for them to have freedom to wander.
I'm feeling better now about things now. I won't worry about the clothing as long as he has his shoes and glasses. I have to figure it is what it is and be thankful I can have him in such a nice place. He's as happy as he can be in a place like that and he doesn't know what belongs to him anyway.
The comments here helped me put things in perspective. I'm relaxing much better now and hope it all levels out to a nice routine for both of us.
Thanks to you all...
Carol

Oh, besides ordering fabric labels from Labeland, I also used a Brother label maker to label all other items other than clothing -- Mom's name & Room # on every label for toothbrushes, hair brushes, combs, denture cup, toothpaste tube, hand mirror, etc. I even labeled a small film canister with her name & room # for her hearing aids. Staff appreciated this.

All of my husbands things were all labeled before he was admitted. The only thing I didn't label was his glasses because he had them on. But I did label the second pair he had about 3 days. Then recently I took in the third pair with the florescent tape and so far so good.
Even the clothing I've seen on other people has his name on the inside! I've found out that people who can somewhat dress themselves are left to do it however they can manage. Guess I was under the impression that staff helped them in the mornings to dress appropriately and choose their clothes, but that's not so.
I went one time about 3:00pm and he had on pajama bottoms with a regular shirt on top and his house slippers. I mentioned it to staff and she laughed and said, "yeah, he got ready for bed early today!"
I suppose these are the things I must overlook and see the positives. I think I have at least solved the glasses problem and that's a plus!

For a giggle, all of this talk about clothing disappearing and getting mixed up reminded me of an experience I had. I worked for the Forest Service and often worked with the Air National Guard on fire assignments. When I worked with them I stayed in hotels with the air crews. We had been out over a week and I let the Very Nice (unnamed) Hotel take my clothes and wash them. I was one of 2 women in the group. Well, they got mixed up. I was in the lobby giving them some clothes that weren't mine when one of the pilots, comes into the lobby waving one of my bras, yelling, "Mary!! is this your bra? I found it in my room". So, not all clothes mix ups are in Memory Care. Also, about glasses, is his prescription the same in both eyes, so maybe drugstore glasses would work?

I imagine they are trying to reenforce the self dressing ability regardless of fashion choices. I get that.

Yep the ability to wander is nice for some but when men wander into my mom's room and then grab her it is not funny - she is 93 and very unstable on her feet - it's also not funny when mem come in and pee all over so now she goes into other rooms in order to hide because she's afraid of the men - I imagine some are afraid of her now too

MsMadge, your story of the stolen fake money reminds me of the following, which is one of the funniest things that happened to me as a kid:

When I was a kid I received a card with money in it as a gift. Inside was a $10 bill. This was a commonplace occurrence back then to give cash inside a Hallmark-type card, and whoever the person was unimportant to the story. I had received several of these along with other things as gifts and my main concern was all the Thank You notes I was obliged to write over what I figured would be the next ten years.

Something was odd about this $10 bill, though. It didn't smell like the typical dollar bill. American money has that smell and teens have keen olfactory sense. I showed it to my dad, pointing out that the inking appeared slightly smudged. We agreed that it was counterfeit.

I was thrilled. I loved reading detective books and now, I had spotted a real counterfeit. I was only a kid, but this felt like triumph to me, like I'd outsmarted some Greater Demon out there. Maybe I really would grow up to be a lawyer after all. I vowed that I wouldn't miss another episode of my hero Perry Mason, and I'd study all that drama real hard.

The next year, my mom hired a "cleaning service." Undoubtedly these guys had sold her on the idea of several guys going in there and getting the job done lickety split. Unfortunately, whoever did my room didn't realize that the cherished $10 bill that I'd put in a picture frame was a counterfeit. He stole it!

My poor mom. She phoned the "service" and fired them. I can't imagine how she worded her explanation, though. :-)

CarolC75: "They is no way they can watch everyone all the time" is actually a BIG LIE because they could. Simple answer=install security cameras in the facility. And the person "laughed and said he got ready for bed early today." I would have had to say to that person who laughed "what in the world is so funny...can't you see he is dressed inappropriately?" This place can't be all that wonderful if people are allowed to steal others' possessions! Good grief!

I had the facility put a baby monitor in my mom's room after she had a fall when vomitng and dehydrated from a UTI they didn't know about
Of course the other half of the monitor is in the wellness center with no one listening

So saw a woman holding one of my mom's labeled hangers this evening- she carries one all the time for self Defense purposes - I told staff she had my mom's hanger and they ignored me - last week when I complained that I've bought 30 hangers and they keep disappearing I was told not to worry about missing hangers but yet I have to keep buying them

This same woman feeds dogs off the dinnerware and they won't stop that either

Another woman slapped my 93 year old mom today and threw her jigsaw puzzle on the floor - just another day in memory care - my mom didn't want to go to sleep tonight and was mad I wouldn't sleep with her since I'm the only one she trusts

Jesus, Madge!

Keeping your mother safe from physical assault is a pretty basic duty for them, isn't it? Will you take this further?

Llama, for a camera to be of any practical use, a person has to be looking at it. And a person who is monitoring cameras cannot also be assisting with toileting, dressing, washing, eating, etc.

So if you have a member of staff = (say) ten hours of qualified time per shift, is that resource best deployed monitoring cameras (most of the time to no purpose whatsoever) or giving care to residents?

And say you plump for the monitoring option, if the monitorer then witnesses something that requires intervention, it still takes A Person and not A Camera to supply the intervention.

If you want all residents monitored purposefully 24/7, you need one-to-one care 24/7. Fine. Who's paying? And who's going to do that work for those wages?

Church mouse
It's not the first time and I have complained to staff and management especially when men have come into her room and grabbed her - to no avail
Residents get into fights and residents hit staff - until I can find a suitable alternative I have caregivers with her 12 hours a day
Since many of these incidents occur when staff is not around it all goes back to insufficient staffing levels
This particular memory care facility while highly regarded is part of a chain owned by a private equity firm which is all about maximizing profits

Hm. Sounds like that private equity firm is long overdue a direct presentation of what their asset is up to. And if they won't take responsibility, they should be named and shamed - the individual directors, that is, who presumably have parents of their own. Are you in the mood to do the research?