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Background story: I was caregiver for an abusive and racist grandmother. I was treated as a slave working full time and bent over backwards to please my grandmother and family. They wanted more and would verbally abuse me and gaslighted me when I would stand up for myself as if I didn’t have a right to feel this way and stop being so sensitive. I did leave and the best way I knew how and ran off when my grandmother was in the hospital because they would not let me stand my ground. I decided after several times of her trying to frame me for elder abuse was enough. They hired a caregiver but my sister ran them off and was caregiver as she got paid. I did envy the treatment that she gets as caregiver. All the other stuff that I had to do they hired someone else to do it and they tried to pressure me to do it. He doesn’t have to work and gets to keep her own place and stay there two days a week she even gets paid. They said she did not have to pay rent, get a job and gets two off because they had a job. I had to get rid of my place and move in because I allowed them to make me believe I had no choice and me staying there was the reason I had to continue to work and pay her rent. She could be by herself so that I can go to work but it was an issue for me using the restroom on my day off leaving her by herself. She even had a caregiver that came five hours a day but she ran her off.


On my mom’s birthday my grandmother decided to have a bath and she fell.. I know my grandmother to be very manipulative person from my history of herself making herself at the most inconvenient times like when I was supposed to have my day off and my family was going to relieve me for the full day but she just happens to falls and send them home so I was stuck to make it an issue to ever getting a break. The issue is she was offered a bath the days before my mom’s birthday and my sister was going to bathe her the day after and she insisted to bathe on her birthday and fell. She has a host of throwing a fit on people’s birthday. Somehow they tried to divert the blame on the past caregiver who wasn’t there for over a month. My grandmother gets these bruises on her arms. She get a couple soft ones when I was caregiver and my family tried to accuse me stating they know how stressful grandmother can be. It was no big deal when they got worse with my sister saying she is doing the best she can. They said they didn’t start to get so bad until that caregiver came but and somehow she triggered them getting worse even after they left. All of a sudden I am being pressured to be the assistant bathe even though my sister said she would help when she can but it seems like they want me to suffer. It just triggers my panic attacks after what I was put through I know if my grandmother falls the blame is going to divert on everyone else but me but I don’t know what to tell my sister


She went to the hospital and seeing her come home triggered a panic attack. I developed these panic attacks after being her caregiver and they trigger memories of abuse when I was a kid started to come in. I can’t even help for five minutes and told my family when they tried to ask me to help. My grandmother extends her legs with only me when I push her on the wheelchair and I dodge her from getting hit. She tried to make it loo like abuse.


I am trying to protect myself from those situations and I decided I don’t ever want to be anyone caregiver and don’t want to do those roles and jobs that has to do with elder and kids. I made it clear that I don’t want to be alone. I don’t know the best way to say no to help bathing her and I feel bad because my sister helped bathe when I was caregiver because my grandmother didn’t want to take a bath during the afternoon when I got home from work or before I had to get ready for work. The thing is my sister didn’t have to go through what I did.

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Arp, as we've all told you many times, you have no obligation to care for your grandmother.

Your family's opinion of you doesn't matter. They only seem interested in getting gma cared for for free.

They are grifters.

Move on.
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No. Your sister doesn't go through what you did and neither does mine. There's nothing either one of can do to change that.
DO NOT agree to help your grandmother or even take on the slightest of responsibilities for her. Not even running to the store to pick something up because if you're involved in any way, there will be blame put on you in some way.
Your grandmother is a manipulative abuser who has abused her entire family. That's why they gaslight and devalue you. They were her targets and you've become their targets.
What your whole family should do is tell this manipulative old b*tch to go pound sand and no one should do a thing for her until she learns some gratitude, humility, and respect. Being elderly or disabled does not give someone a free pass to be an a$$hole. If they act like one, treat them like one.
Never let yourself get pulled into the situation again. Good luck to you.
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Arp,
It sounds like you have been trying to set some boundaries. Perhaps your family did listen to you and has come to understand how awful grandma is and so they were more lenient with your sister, in the hopes of keeping her around. Your family will have to find another caregiver to help. Keep telling them 'no'. With a job and school you should be focused on continuing to excel there, and I would be conveniently heading out the door at bath time for work or a 'study group'.
What are the barriers to your moving out again? I think that removing yourself physically would help you break out of this cycle. You won't have to see the differences in how other family are treated, nor will you be around to do caregiving. They can't tie you to a chair to make you stay.
I wasn't sure if I read this correctly, but you should not be chipping in money to cover any costs of grandma's care. That's your money. You are not supposed to be her retirement plan. You hang in there. You might want to talk with the school's counselor so that you can have an actual live person work with you in keeping your boundaries firm. They can be very good at helping you talk through your decisions so that you feel confident you're doing the right thing for YOU..
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Arp1754 Aug 2021
Thank you for your kind words. I moved out over a year ago. Didn’t really talk to them for a few months afterwards to set boundaries and because I was ashamed. A month after talking to them they tried to guilt me into doing it again saying I put the family through hell. Distant myself for a couple weeks. Then I started to talk to them again. They tried to trick me into doing it and I told them to go eff themselves. They have been good until now and I keep on having to set my boundaries
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Arp, jisy keep saying "no" to your idiotic family. "I can't possibly do that" is anoyher good response.

If they ask "why?", laugh and say "wouldn't you like to know?!".

Walk away from these abusive grifters. You owe them less than nothing.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2021
Amen to that.
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Sounds like you're the only good apple in a barrel of rotten ones. Get away from them, never look back, and never forget that you deserve a good life with good people. Stay strong.
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No! It is a complete sentence.

You don't have to justify yourself and your desire to not be involved in this dysfunctional situation.

Being an adult comes with the right to say No, just no. Nothing else, no reason, no excuse, no justification. You have earned this right, utilize it.

You know that you will get sucked in and used again if you don't keep your boundary of being done.

It is completely okay and acceptable to protect yourself from a known danger, you are doing that, don't let anyone, including yourself, make you wrong for that.

Great big warm hug filled with strength to keep saying NO and protecting yourself. You got this!
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SELF PRESERVATION
Run, do not walk from a situation like you have described.
One of the most difficult things to learn and carry out is
Boundaries as well as Care for yourself.
If you are treated poorly by the person you are caring for OR any member of the family that you have to have contact with this is not good for you mentally, emotionally.
If you are not doing well mentally or emotionally then you are not caring for yourself.
Best way to say no is...
"I'm sorry but I can not do what you ask of me."
OR
"NO "
Plain, simple, direct and to the point.
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Arp, please do not let one ugly poster stop you from seeking help.

I have had answers post twice or not at all. It happens and is no big deal.

I pointed it out so that you would be sure to read all the responses, I hope you didn't talk offense, none was meant.

You keep coming back here as needed to stay strong in this situation.

4.0 well done!
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No, your not horrible, you're 100% in the right.

Dont worry about the double post either, it seems to happen fairly regularly with this forum
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I am so sorry you are still having problems. I understand you want to help your sister but you really should not enter her house.
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