My mother has lived with my family for a year. Prior to that she lived directly next to us. Gradually she needed more attention and we had the right size house to make some modifications and move her in with us. She uses a walker and oxygen at all times. She is hard of hearing. She has arthritis.
My mom is an only child and has always needed a lot of care and attention. My dad did this until he died, and loved taking care of her. Gradually she has become more dependent and just lets us do everything. Her list of illnesses is long, and mostly self inflicted: years of inactivity, smoking and chocolate.
My sister has also made modifications to her home and my mother spends about a week a month with her. My sister is married, but they have no children. When she is there, my sister makes a schedule for her, including everything: even showering. She follows up, make charts, has a notebook and a calendar.
I am not willing to do that. I have a husband and our child (11) that I take care of. I cook for my mom, take her to all appointments, include her in family events, love her. But she is capable of taking care of herself more than she does. She is capable of showering without we reminding her. She is capable of walking out to the kitchen to heat of leftovers. She is capable of so much more than she will do.
My sister, while she doesn't say it, thinks I should also make a schedule, and such, for her. I'm not doing it. I resent that my mother is putting me in the position to be her mother, when it isn't necessary.
How do I motivate her, without becoming her mother?
And, you may just find out that it could work to your advantage. Your mother would know her role and may even free you up.
Your sister may seem a bit OCD, but she does have notes to refer to how much mom eats, bathes... That can be helpful for you when she "gives mom back to you"
You write that your mother is capable of doing so much more. How does your sister know if mom is not eating enough or having other problems when it is her turn to give care?
I would give the schedule a try.
You know that you need to care about yourself first. I trust that.
Especially as a private-duty caregiver, only you know what caregiver burn out is. Maybe you need more than a break from the end-of-life focus?
There was a few months this past year that I thought to become one with my bed, just melt away between the sheets, and stay asleep.
That time passed by, and I am feeling more hopeful now. You can too.
Can you see and visit some people that are not clients/patients? Maybe a friend who really does care about you?
Peel yourself out of your bed now and then, see what the outside has to offer you. Take walks. Get your hair done, fix yourself up.
Check in with us, often if you like. 🤗