My mother has COPD and living independently at the moment. She wants to come live with me when she gets to a point where she can no longer live independently. She has sufficient income and assets to afford assisted living, but would rather live with me and leave those assets to her heirs, which I am one of. I do not wish to take care of her. I would rather she take her assets to use for her care. She will not consider any other options. I do not want to end up a nursemaid to her in my own home. I don't care about the inheritence either. She is a very emotional needy person and only wants to rely on me. Why should I take responsibility for her when she has so many other options? Am I being selfish for wanting to keep my life the way it is?
And YOU are the one we're concerned about on this forum. Golden has great advice above. Tell the rehab that they will be discharging her to an unsafe environment. And stand firm.
Here is an excellent article that helped me feel better about not wanting to be a caregiver. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm
I have a hard time being with my mother for more than an hour too and feel little guilt about short visits. I am a distance caregiver which is a blessing for me and I only visit a few times a year but am in good contact with the staff where she is so I know how she is doing. if your pcp would be agreeable, get a note that you cannot be a hands on caregiver. I see you can't take her out or a meal at present, so just prepare yourself for her response and leave quickly. Does she have the financial capacity to pay for caregivers?
ALG - my heart goes out to you too. it sounds like you are burnt. Try to let go of the guilt. You are doing nothing wrong. You need time for you, for your family and for your work. That is reality. When we are brought up in a dysfunctional family, we feel "false" guilt about a lot of things. Your first responsibility to your mum is that she is safe and cared for. That is happening. The rest is gravy.
Always take care of you!!!
Thank you very much for the advice. I've looked into a couple of places online that might be suitable. There is no way she can come home for at least a couple weeks even if I moved in with her which I just can't do. I have a hard time being around her for more than an hour. I haven't broken the news to her yet. She may just leave ama and have an ambulance bring her home anyway so I am forced to go there. Would not put it past her!
Sorry OP, didn't mean to hijack your post!
So
1) your mother cannot live alone any more for medical reasons and
2) she cannot live with you.
Truthfully, it sounds to me like she needs professional care as in an ALF or NH. Has she been assessed as to which level of care she needs? If she can afford it, she can choose the place she best likes. Other than that, there is medicaid.
Before you feel guilty, realise that your responsibility as her daughter is to see that she gets the care she needs, but not necessarily to give that care yourself.
My mother is narcissistic and has a personality disorder. I let her know very early in my adult life that she could never move into my home. She didn't like it, but I did not budge. She would have ruined my life. As it was, she was always very hard on me anyway. She went into ALFs and then recently an NH.
Tell mother that you are not equipped to be a full time caregiver and in any case .your place is not suitable for her and you do not plan to move. Perhaps take her out for a meal so your conversation will be in public, which should modify her response. Expect her to be angry and manipulative with you, but don't give in to it. Remain calm and firm in your position. Offer to help her research and visit suitable facilities. Often ones with progressive levels of care are good. With COPD and being unable to live alone, her care needs will likely increase over the next few years.
Take care of you first!
Mother won't consider any other options? Well, living in your home is not an option. Make that perfectly clear.
If she wants your help finding other options to consider, fine, provide your help. If she is of sound mind and can do her own research, that's fine too. She can make any decision she wants -- you are not trying to control her. But you do have control over your own decisions, and you've decided you are not making your home available to her.
Just say no.
purplesuchi - as Iunderstnd it in the US there is medicaid for people who cannot afford care. In my opinion, you should be working towards saving for your own retirement. rather than taking on this huge burden of care. I do hope that your health is not suffering from what you are doing. Round-the-clock care is too much for anyone. Please look into the resources availabie in your community/state, and give yourself some breaks, Others have gotten medicaid for their parent. facilities have professio9al care and they work shifts. It is too much for one person.
((((hugs))))) to both of you. Keep posting! Joan