My 86 yr. old Mother has mid-level dementia, and mobility issues. She's gorgeous for her age. However, she is trying to meet men on the Internet. She spends way too much money, (most of her purchases end up in the trash, can't hear (even with top notch hearing aids), so I'm constantly repeating myself at least 2-3 times (often because she can't hear) because she's very ditsy and doesn't listen. Never has. I'm her Uber driver for everything, her personal shopper, car washer, window cleaner, you name it. I’m also her bill pay reminder, gardener and housekeeper.
She was a lousy mother; we were all somewhat neglected. She was always busy with one husband/man or another. I have two sisters. One helps a tiny bit, the other utterly refuses any help. I find myself feeling very "stuck", and resenting having to spend my latter years like this, living with her and on top of it, having no privacy. I worked very hard at stressful jobs for 40 plus years. This is my reward?
My anger towards her boils over sometimes, then I feel guilty for not being able to contain it. On top of it, she's a complete Narcissist, and I don't enjoy talking with her anymore. It's just too difficult.
Any advice on how to keep my sanity?
You need to do what your other sister is doing NOT DOING ANYTHING. Live your life the way you want to live it. Life is priceless and if you aren't doing anything about it you will be in the same boat as she is.
Are you POA of her if not then do what you want let her pay for someone else to come in and do things for her. Are you getting paid for this?
There is NO GUILT in this matter don't go there do what you can then go live your life.
Prayers that you find yourself and that your mother is in a place that can take care of her.
I’ve been there: don’t take on more than you can handle.
I didn't sign up for this
Me and my brother have our own lives to live and taking care of our mom is hindering that!
Stick to the list of remaining items. Believe me, your Mom will notice that half of things she wants done are not being done. But you will start feeling better.
Practice saying "I can't possibly do that" over and over until it feel comfortable to say.
It's a start.
Seriously though, have you ever quit a job before?
Or maybe this job is want you DO want to do. Because it pays well, in financial, personal or emotional rewards.
PS Being "delegated" is one word to use, one way to look at it. Another word/way would be 'volunteered'.
Now I have aides coming in 5 days a week for 5 hours to do her morning routine with her and pay attention to her, etc. THIS is how you keep your sanity. You stop being her everything cuz it's a thankless and frustrating job. You deserve your own time and space. Hire someone else to do a bunch of the stuff she has dumped on your lap. Nope. Start getting out of the house and living YOUR life, not hers.
She won't like it but too bad. Remember, YOU don't like how things are now so something has to give.
Good luck.
Second, you are under no obligation to be your mother's hands-on caregiver (or even a remote PoA). It won't get better, only more and more intense, demanding, stressful and frustrating as she declines. You are in control of whether you continue down this path or turn off. You just have to be at peace with the other options for her.
If mom has no funds for Memory Care Assisted Living, look into Medicaid for Skilled Nursing. You deserve a life of your own, and she deserves peace and tranquility also. Had mom been living with me, I have no doubt I'd have been losing my cool ALL the time. Between her dementia and personality disorders, fuggedaboutit.
Best of luck.
If you need a friend I am here. I do understand.
Never feel bad about your feelings. Feelings are just feelings. You can't control them. Go easy on yourself.
Kelley