Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
I feel guilty as heck but I didnt envision my retirement this way. I just want to stop having to be responsible for an elderly parent. I often times think i will die before she does. Will this ever end?
I read your replies . You don’t have to continue to be “ on call” or even a regular caregiver . Your sister is choosing this . Your sister does not get to control your life .
You tell sis you are not supporting this any longer . Either sis figures out another way without you or mom gets placed .
Your sister can not make you keep doing this . You are giving in to her . The way you “ get over the psychologist aspect “ of not being in control of your own life is you learn the word “ No “ .
Practice saying …. No I will not do that That does not work for me That will not be possible .
You are not responsible for anyone else’s only wishes or happiness .
Your feelings of responsibility are something that you have assumed yourself. No one is responsible for their parents. We are responsible for our CHILDREN until they reach age of majority, then they are responsible for themselves and any children they bring into the world (until those children ALSO reach age of majority.
You well may die before your parent. We have seen that happen. We have also seen people ignore their careers and savings to care for parents and end up homeless and without a job history; we have had to suggest they start at a homeless shelter, often at the ripe old age of 65 or so. We have also seem people mentally broken by caregiving.
This will stop when you yourself put a stop to it. You, as a grown adult, are responsible for your choices in life, and the consequences. There is much support out there for you if you simply level honestly with family and those you care for, that you cannot go on any longers.
You didn't cause the aging process, you cannot prevent it, and you cannot cure it. There should be no guilt in choosing to have a life. You deserve that, rather than wasting your own life by throwing it on the slow burning funeral pyre of your elders.
Please consider counseling to seek options for paths that after 25 years have become rote and habitual. I wish you the very best.
Very good advice ("You didn't cause the aging process, you cannot prevent it, and you cannot cure it. There should be no guilt in choosing to have a life. ) ... it seems to take some of us longer to learn to follow it, but better later than never.
After reading the further information you provided about your sister, which is beyond sad and concerning, I’d even more say you need, and she needs an honest conversation about the toll this is taking, as well as where it’s inevitably headed. You’re tiptoeing around your sister, she’s in a mental health crisis desperate to prevent what’s sure to come, and you’re both exhausted from it all. None of this is good for your mother. Sister needs someone to be frank with her, she’s not seeing the situation clearly in her unrealistic plans. She likely needs therapy. Please take action on this and don’t let fear rule. Everyone involved deserves better. I wish you all peace
Your last post was asking about resuscitating your 99 year old mother who's 4'11 and weighs 110 lbs and worrying about broken ribs!!!
I would imagine your stint as a caregiver will end once you agree to either place mother in managed care and also stop questioning a DNR at 99! CPR causes more damage than it cures, and being alive for 99 years +, mom has already lived way beyond the mortality rate for 99% of women on earth.
If you feel like mom will outlive you, please look into AL right away. It's not the horrible place some think it is.
I guess I should provide a little more info. My sisters only wish in life is for our mom to live as long as is humanly possible. She has every alarm you can imagine in her house. She gets up in the night several times when an alarm goes off to take Mom to the commode bc she wont let her wear pads bc they cause skin breakdown and that is just the tip of the iceberg. My sister would never let Mom go anywhere else unless she needed skilled nursing. Mom is her entire life. She takes great care of her dont get me wrong but the older Mom gets the more desperate my sister becomes to make sure she doesnt die. It's become incredibly hard because she and I see things so differently. If our mom dies at age 100 I wont completely go to pieces like she will. I just want to stop feeling so sick of all of this and wanting for it to be over.
Enough is enough, Valentine. There's two choices here.
1) The elderly parent goes into AL or whatever type residential facility is right for their needs.
2) A live-in caregiver moves in and the elderly parent pays for it.
These are the only choices you should be willing to accept.
It's time for you to retire after 25 years of caregiving and accept the metaphorical 'gold watch' which is you get your life back and can actually enjoy your retirement.
It's okay if you see your mother as your responsibility. That doesn't mean that you have to be a care slave. That doesn't mean that you personally have to meet all of her needs and make her happy.
Your responsibility is making sure she has a safe, clean place to live. To make sure she receives necessary medical care and decent food. This responsibility can easily be met in AL or any other care facility.
Hopefully some of these replies have started to lift a little fog from your eyes.
Fear. Of damaging your relationship with your sister. Obligation. To provide help to Mom because sister does so much. Guilt. As above, plus "lot of guilt trips when I stand up to her"
It's all wrapped up together & can be hard to unpick.
With practice I started to be able to see the patterns better.
I saw that my family was a little stuck in *family only must help*. Based on fear of strangers.
I saw people taking on responsibilty that was never theirs. Obligations were just assumptions, not fact.
I saw quiet people avoiding the unpleasantness of confrontation - saying a yes instead of the potential drama/guilt tripping of no.
It's OK if your sister wants to be Mom's #1 caregiver. If her values lean her towards martyrdom even.
However, it's not OK for her to control your life.
There are many ways to proceed. In your own time, at your own pace. From cold turkey I quit! To a gradual cutting back, being less available.
I have heard of a very quiet way to quit by filing up your time up a new interest eg new job, volunteer role, study, craft or exercise group.
Valentine15: I feel for you. I've only had my mother for 5 years and I am going bonkers. As far as your parent outliving you is one I think about a lot. You want a life; I want a life. I don't want my mother to die, but it would surely take away her pain and let me live again. I just had a birthday, so I'm now 71. Then I read in the paper that we lost another classmate. Life is passing me by. I don't have any suggestions for you, just that I commiserate with you and have a great deal of empathy for those in our situations.
Put her in a nursing home, memory care, or AL. At your age (71) how many good years do you think you have left?
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Valentine who's had the yoke of care-slavery around her neck for the last 25 years with her mother.
Take the metaphorical 'gold watch' and retire from caregiving. Five years is long enough. Take back your life. You deserve caregiver retirement. It comes with a pension too. Your pension is time. Time to enjoy your life. Time to go places and have fun socializing. Time to do fun active senior things like go on cruises and play bridge.
There are people whose job it is to take care of your mother. They are who staffs care facilities or they staff a person's home. I was one of these people for 25 years and not I'm the boss of people like this.
I did caregiving for my mother and it was the most miserable time of my life. More miserable even then post-divorce when I was living cross country, barely making the rent, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. I was more miserable being chained to care slavery for my mother.
I'm in an office now usually six days a week for the business. It's hard and long hours, but I'm happy. You deserve to be happy too.
Stop helping so much yourself. Accept you are one person & move towards a team approach. Involve others. Other non-you people.
Then I read Mom lives with Sister. Sister is Mom's Care Manager. Maybe she has the skills, the will in buckets, a big heart too. But if anything like my SIL who has become the self-appointed Care Manager, there is a whopping dollop of bossiness there too.
My inlaws have strong personailities. No would-be boss grows too big & controlling as the others hold their ground. They NEVER let a plan go forward without common sense. Without the plan working for ALL those in the plan. And they NEVER let others plan their calender. (Oh it has been tried I tell you!!)
My advice is BOUNDARIES.
Find a copy of The Boundaries Book (if you have not read it). Or read it again. Boundaries: when to say yes, how ro day no. By Drs Cloud & Townsend.
"I dont want to jeopardize my relationship with my sister either so for the most part I go along to get along."
This. Unpack this.
Why NOT stand up to your Sister?
Swap the word *jeopardize* for *ruin*. No, you don't want to RUIN your relationship. I get that. But I ask you why must your relationship with your Sister be jeopardized/ruined by you saying NO to her?
You are allowed to choose. You can change your mind. You are allowed to say no.
If Sister has a major tantrum when you say NO, what does this tell you about her? About your relationship? About RESPECT?
Have a good think about how much you can help without this becoming a BURDEN. YES I said BURDEN. Let's call a spade a spade.
Maybe it's one day a week? OR Two half-days + 3 phone calls + 2 appointments per month. Whatever you think & feel is manageable for you.
Then have an honest sit down chat with your Sister & let her know your new plan.
PS. Mine included.. NO on-call 24/7 & NO fill-in ANYthing. By statng that, OTHER solutions were then found.
Your advice makes perfect sense. It's just that it's really a situation of when shes not happy nobody's happy and a lot of guilt trips when I stand up to her. But I will keep your advice in my head just in case. And also remembering what she said during one of our knock down drag outs which is that Mom is as much my responsibility as she is hers.
It's too bad that you are afraid of conflict with your sister. She is being ridiculous and you don't have to feed and support her difficult and demanding schedule for your mom's care.
This could go on for YEARS. It's time to stand up to your sister. Well, more like stand up for yourself. You can be kind and gentle but you have to tell her that you're not OK with continuing with this level of care. She needs to hire someone to help instead of relying on you.
There are many many times that siblings don't agree and only one takes care of the parent. The only reason she can do as much as she is is because of you doing what she wants you to do.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You don’t have to continue to be “ on call” or even a regular caregiver . Your sister is choosing this . Your sister does not get to control your life .
You tell sis you are not supporting this any longer . Either sis figures out another way without you or mom gets placed .
Your sister can not make you keep doing this . You are giving in to her . The way you “ get over the psychologist aspect “ of not being in control of your own life is you learn the word “ No “ .
Practice saying ….
No
I will not do that
That does not work for me
That will not be possible .
You are not responsible for anyone else’s only wishes or happiness .
No one is responsible for their parents.
We are responsible for our CHILDREN until they reach age of majority, then they are responsible for themselves and any children they bring into the world (until those children ALSO reach age of majority.
You well may die before your parent. We have seen that happen. We have also seen people ignore their careers and savings to care for parents and end up homeless and without a job history; we have had to suggest they start at a homeless shelter, often at the ripe old age of 65 or so. We have also seem people mentally broken by caregiving.
This will stop when you yourself put a stop to it. You, as a grown adult, are responsible for your choices in life, and the consequences. There is much support out there for you if you simply level honestly with family and those you care for, that you cannot go on any longers.
You didn't cause the aging process, you cannot prevent it, and you cannot cure it. There should be no guilt in choosing to have a life. You deserve that, rather than wasting your own life by throwing it on the slow burning funeral pyre of your elders.
Please consider counseling to seek options for paths that after 25 years have become rote and habitual. I wish you the very best.
I would imagine your stint as a caregiver will end once you agree to either place mother in managed care and also stop questioning a DNR at 99! CPR causes more damage than it cures, and being alive for 99 years +, mom has already lived way beyond the mortality rate for 99% of women on earth.
If you feel like mom will outlive you, please look into AL right away. It's not the horrible place some think it is.
Good luck to you.
1) The elderly parent goes into AL or whatever type residential facility is right for their needs.
2) A live-in caregiver moves in and the elderly parent pays for it.
These are the only choices you should be willing to accept.
It's time for you to retire after 25 years of caregiving and accept the metaphorical 'gold watch' which is you get your life back and can actually enjoy your retirement.
It's okay if you see your mother as your responsibility. That doesn't mean that you have to be a care slave. That doesn't mean that you personally have to meet all of her needs and make her happy.
Your responsibility is making sure she has a safe, clean place to live. To make sure she receives necessary medical care and decent food.
This responsibility can easily be met in AL or any other care facility.
Fear. Of damaging your relationship with your sister.
Obligation. To provide help to Mom because sister does so much.
Guilt. As above, plus
"lot of guilt trips when I stand up to her"
It's all wrapped up together & can be hard to unpick.
With practice I started to be able to see the patterns better.
I saw that my family was a little stuck in *family only must help*.
Based on fear of strangers.
I saw people taking on responsibilty that was never theirs. Obligations were just assumptions, not fact.
I saw quiet people avoiding the unpleasantness of confrontation - saying a yes instead of the potential drama/guilt tripping of no.
It's OK if your sister wants to be Mom's #1 caregiver. If her values lean her towards martyrdom even.
However, it's not OK for her to control your life.
There are many ways to proceed. In your own time, at your own pace. From cold turkey I quit! To a gradual cutting back, being less available.
I have heard of a very quiet way to quit by filing up your time up a new interest eg new job, volunteer role, study, craft or exercise group.
Quiet quitting by gradually not being available ,
first on Fridays
then Fridays and Mondays
may have sister realize she can’t control other people .
Put her in a nursing home, memory care, or AL. At your age (71) how many good years do you think you have left?
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Valentine who's had the yoke of care-slavery around her neck for the last 25 years with her mother.
Take the metaphorical 'gold watch' and retire from caregiving. Five years is long enough. Take back your life. You deserve caregiver retirement. It comes with a pension too. Your pension is time. Time to enjoy your life. Time to go places and have fun socializing. Time to do fun active senior things like go on cruises and play bridge.
There are people whose job it is to take care of your mother. They are who staffs care facilities or they staff a person's home. I was one of these people for 25 years and not I'm the boss of people like this.
I did caregiving for my mother and it was the most miserable time of my life. More miserable even then post-divorce when I was living cross country, barely making the rent, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. I was more miserable being chained to care slavery for my mother.
I'm in an office now usually six days a week for the business. It's hard and long hours, but I'm happy. You deserve to be happy too.
Stop helping so much yourself. Accept you are one person & move towards a team approach. Involve others. Other non-you people.
Then I read Mom lives with Sister.
Sister is Mom's Care Manager. Maybe she has the skills, the will in buckets, a big heart too. But if anything like my SIL who has become the self-appointed Care Manager, there is a whopping dollop of bossiness there too.
My inlaws have strong personailities. No would-be boss grows too big & controlling as the others hold their ground. They NEVER let a plan go forward without common sense. Without the plan working for ALL those in the plan. And they NEVER let others plan their calender. (Oh it has been tried I tell you!!)
My advice is BOUNDARIES.
Find a copy of The Boundaries Book (if you have not read it). Or read it again. Boundaries: when to say yes, how ro day no. By Drs Cloud & Townsend.
"I dont want to jeopardize my relationship with my sister either so for the most part I go along to get along."
This. Unpack this.
Why NOT stand up to your Sister?
Swap the word *jeopardize* for *ruin*. No, you don't want to RUIN your relationship. I get that. But I ask you why must your relationship with your Sister be jeopardized/ruined by you saying NO to her?
You are allowed to choose.
You can change your mind.
You are allowed to say no.
If Sister has a major tantrum when you say NO, what does this tell you about her? About your relationship? About RESPECT?
Have a good think about how much you can help without this becoming a BURDEN. YES I said BURDEN. Let's call a spade a spade.
Maybe it's one day a week? OR Two half-days + 3 phone calls + 2 appointments per month. Whatever you think & feel is manageable for you.
Then have an honest sit down chat with your Sister & let her know your new plan.
PS. Mine included..
NO on-call 24/7 & NO fill-in ANYthing.
By statng that, OTHER solutions were then found.
It happens all the time.
It's too bad that you are afraid of conflict with your sister. She is being ridiculous and you don't have to feed and support her difficult and demanding schedule for your mom's care.
This could go on for YEARS. It's time to stand up to your sister. Well, more like stand up for yourself. You can be kind and gentle but you have to tell her that you're not OK with continuing with this level of care. She needs to hire someone to help instead of relying on you.
There are many many times that siblings don't agree and only one takes care of the parent. The only reason she can do as much as she is is because of you doing what she wants you to do.
Time to put you, and your retirement, first.
See All Answers