My husband is in middle stages of dementia, home with me. No other family/friends to help. He's awaiting spinal surgery for leg weakness and falling. He falls a lot, inside and out. He refuses to allow a respite caregiver so I can go out w/out worrying about him. And no, he won't fall for the "housekeeper" guise or other fiblits. Every time I have to go out (rarely and never more than 2 hrs) he promises to stay inside and watch his re-runs. But today I came home to find out he climbed up on a tall ladder with a machete to trim some oak tree branches. As he was telling me it was no big deal, he tumbled backwards and fell on his back. Thankfully he was on the ground at the time. Another time I came home to find him in a hole he'd dug. He was covered in dirt, dehydrated, calling my name, forgetting that I'd gone to the doctor.
I'm totally burned out/frustrated/exhausted and furious. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I feel myself going cold and hard inside. Like a switch has flipped. I have no more cares to give. I'm not good at the cheery "Hey, let's do this instead of that" approach because he does what he wants regardless. There are days when we still connect as a couple and I think it's not time yet for AL/MC. Other days I fantasize about it.
Is it time? And if so, how in the world do you get someone like him to agree to that? Any advice is appreciated.
I visited several facilities with my wife under the guise that we could sell the condo and move into one of these. They were all very attractive and offered all the services we didn't like doing anymore, cooking, cleaning, etc. When the time came, I never discussed it with her. We both went to her room and after a few minutes I said I had to get some groceries and was gone. I'm not saying that would work for you, just relating my experience.
So, I think it's time for a new “home” for your husband. The decision and the transition are not easy, in fact it's harder than hard emotionally, but it's doable.
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and explain your situation. They can be of great help. Their elder helpline for your area is 800-262-2243.
The following link may help you in moving your husband to a care facility. It's extensive but informative.
https://www.seniorlink.com/blog/50-tips-on-transitioning-a-loved-one-to-memory-dementia-or-alzheimers-careyour-blog-post-title-here
look for good memory care … because dementia only goes one way….also he could be falling because of dementia as well !!!
should go directly from rehab to care
and you can say it’s another rehab
facility to help you get well.
best of luck … hardest thing to do !!!!
SAFE for me to care for him and SAFE for him.
I think you have reached a point where it is no longer SAFE for him to remain at home.
I am sure he fully intended to stay in and watch re-runs but with dementia you never know what is going to pop into that brain.
You do not need him to agree to placement.
Yes he will be royally pissed at you.
He will be angry.
he may even say he hates you for doing that to him.
BUT
You are doing this because you want to keep him safe.
In the early process of my Husbands dementia I often said that a "bad day" this month is going to be a "good day" in 2 months. It is like trying to walk up a sand dune, you get so far and you slide back a bit and then you start again.
You have to rejoice when you get a little further but be prepared to back slide.
(The Serenity Prayer became pretty common for me)
Placing someone is a tough decision. Only YOU can tell if it is right for you and your husband. Do not let anyone "guilt" you into doing something you can not do. Placing him in Memory Care is not a "failure" it is admitting that he needs more care than you can safely give him at home.
Simply tell him that you are hiring someone to help you, for your peace of mind and to cover yourself legally. And because your homeowner's insurance will be cancelled if someone isn't there when you go out.
I would lose the machete.
((((Hugs)))))
Figure out what’s best for him and do it. Don’t doubt your decision.
Nothing will get better. You will continue to stress. He will continue on his path of decline.
I hope I have provided you with the kick in the butt you need.
Take care,
Ex-caregiver providing info from hindsight
It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to your husband to keep him and others safe from his failing mind. Try to comfort yourself that you have already done all that you possibly can do.
2. Emergency medical treatment plus Geri-Psych review.
3. Springibg POA or Guardianship.
4. Placement into care.
Harsh - but that is the *how*.
Awaiting for him to agree is futile. This is your biggest hurdle. That shift of dynamics.
If reasoning & judgement has dimished for him, reasoning & judgement must come from you.
In the meantime, do not give him a choice about homecare services coming in. Do not lie to him about it either.
Speak to him plainly and TELL him that there will be hired aides coming into your home who are there to help you and that they will remain in the home if you go out.
If your husband becomes too much for you and hired help to handle then please put him in a care facility.
Explain to the facility that he will be a hostile transfer. They will help you with it.
1) Hire a twice-weekly person at least right away. It's not for hubs, it's for you. You have to go to your doctors, to your grocery store and what have you. For you to take care of him, you have to have this other person, or persons.
2) After he has the surgery, insist on him going to a Medicare rehab for however long they'll cover it. Then line things up about how the doctor thinks he shouldn't go home.
My husband has CHF and other heart issues. Surgery was recommended. After discussing the ramifications of being put under twice (once for the testing, once for the surgery) he decided that he'd rather die from the natural progression of CHF than be the guy in MC for years with a good strong heart.