My husband has FTD he is 64 and have no clue how this happened. My anger at times is killing me. I know this is not him, but it us so hard . Looking at adult day care today, I work and get scared everyday I walk out my door
First of all, I am happy that you are able to identify and acknowledge that you are angry. This is so much healthier than pretending that everything is fine.
I made the mistake of bottling up my emotions at first and trust me, it isn’t the correct way to handle it.
I had a really difficult time expressing my feelings. I put enormous pressure on myself.
Find the adult daycare and take a well deserved break. It’s not selfish to take a break, it’s necessary.
You DO NOT have to be strong all of the time. We all need someone by our sides when things get so difficult that we start to wonder if we can make it through another day.
I chose to go to therapy during my days as a caregiver. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to have my feelings of frustration and anger validated by my therapist. I had a wonderful therapist that I truly appreciated.
He worked with me to break down everything that I was feeling and why.
I understand why you are questioning your emotions. I did this too.
It hurts horribly to see people who we love declining. No matter what the situation is. For you, it’s Alzheimer’s disease, for me it was Parkinson’s disease and dementia, for someone else it may be cancer, etc.
It all stinks, doesn’t it? We begin grieving long before a person dies physically. Sometimes, I think that it hurts more than when the person actually dies.
The person that they once were is gone but they are still alive and struggling every single day in front of our eyes. Our hearts break into a million pieces. This isn’t what we wanted for them or for us.
For me, I was sad to see my mother die but I was also relieved that she was finally at peace and no longer suffering. It was a million times harder seeing the long and painful journey.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this challenging journey. Please vent on this forum when needed. We all have! Ask questions and we will try to answer them. Look for relief and take necessary breaks.
Can you get a second opinion about this diagnosis? Is it possible it’s a UTI or something else? Maybe it’s a side effect from a medication? Did he have a brain MRI? I know when I first took my mother to neurologist 10 years ago, he ordered tests..one was brain MRI. He showed me white spots on film were mini strokes that caused dementia. Your husband is my age. My mother just turned 96. She started exhibiting weird symptoms for a while before I took her to neurologist…I had 2 different dr references & then just couldn’t ignore or delay anymore. I wish you best of luck & hoping it’s something else & not dementia. Hugs 🤗
This is very early onset, and I am so very sorry. He is so young. This should have been for you the time when you had a few good decades enjoying retirement, and all that goes with that. As to the "why" of it, that's something researchers wish they knew, as well.
It isn't clear to me if you mean that your OWN anger is plaguing you, or if your husband's angry moments (FTD is infamous for manifesting with outbursts) is the currently the worst part of all this. For yourself know that depression often manifests as anger; see your MD and discuss whether you might not need some mild anti-depressants to bridge your adjustment here.
If you are still working I know you already know your husband can't be alone while you do so; much will depend on how he can adjust to the day care. This is definitely a day-at-a-time as you learn all you can about this difficult condition.
Again, I am so very sorry: seems such an inadequate thing to say. Know you aren't alone.
MsRiley, it's terrible what happened to your husband. Dementia ruins and turns everyone's life upside down.
I have a number of suggestions. Hopefully some of them can be useful to you.
Recognize that Anger is caused by Reality not meeting Expectations.
You need to know what you're Angry about, and see if you can change Reality or Expectations or both.
So think. Specifically, what are you Angry about?: Losing your husband, losing future retirement plans with him, having to take care of him, having to worry about him, having to do everything by yourself, etc.
Take each one of your Angers, and see if you can either change the Reality or your Expectations
For example, you're Angry that you have to worry about him everyday. Having him in Adult daycare might reduce your worry. You change your Reality.
As for losing future retirement plans, you will have to make different plans and know that they too can change. You change your Expectations.
I know what I wrote above sounds very methodical, very cut and dry. When you remove all the emotions, that is what you have left, logics.
Removing emotions is not an easy thing.
Suggestions:
Meditation helps calm your mind and clear your head.
Exercising can do the same.
Talking to a close friend, a therapist, or a clergyman helps too. (None of my friends understand how I feel, I don't tell them.)
Coming to forums like this and vent away. (I've been on here for 5 years now.)
Shutting yourself inside your car, then scream out your frustration. (I've done this a number of times.)
Other posters will have more suggestions for you.
Stick around. You are in good company. Many people here have been or are in similar situations.
Emotions are funny. (not ha ha funny but you know what I mean) Excitement can sometimes feel like Fear. A lot of people on this forum use the word Guilt and I think the emotion should be Grief or Sadness. Anger.. one of the stages of dying. (And lets be honest that is what is happening.) Shock Denial ANGER Bargaining Acceptance and Hope
There is no point to the HOW this happened. Chances are there would have been no way to prevent it. And unless your time machine is working this is taking up space in YOUR brain. Just like a card game you play the cards you are dealt. You do the best you can with what you got. I did not plan to spend the last 12 years of my marriage with the love of my life and Dementia. I learned a lot. I did the best that I could with the hand I was dealt. I learned to research and find all sorts of ways that would help me be able to keep him at home. But as I have said in other responses you have to know your limits. I said I would keep him home as long as it was safe to do so. If it is ever not safe for you or for him to keep him at home you have to look for Memory Care for him. You also need to let YOUR health care team know what is going on with your husband his diagnosis WILL effect YOUR health. If you need to talk to someone do not hesitate.
I made the mistake of bottling up my emotions at first and trust me, it isn’t the correct way to handle it.
I had a really difficult time expressing my feelings. I put enormous pressure on myself.
Find the adult daycare and take a well deserved break. It’s not selfish to take a break, it’s necessary.
You DO NOT have to be strong all of the time. We all need someone by our sides when things get so difficult that we start to wonder if we can make it through another day.
I chose to go to therapy during my days as a caregiver. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to have my feelings of frustration and anger validated by my therapist. I had a wonderful therapist that I truly appreciated.
He worked with me to break down everything that I was feeling and why.
I understand why you are questioning your emotions. I did this too.
It hurts horribly to see people who we love declining. No matter what the situation is. For you, it’s Alzheimer’s disease, for me it was Parkinson’s disease and dementia, for someone else it may be cancer, etc.
It all stinks, doesn’t it? We begin grieving long before a person dies physically. Sometimes, I think that it hurts more than when the person actually dies.
The person that they once were is gone but they are still alive and struggling every single day in front of our eyes. Our hearts break into a million pieces. This isn’t what we wanted for them or for us.
For me, I was sad to see my mother die but I was also relieved that she was finally at peace and no longer suffering. It was a million times harder seeing the long and painful journey.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this challenging journey. Please vent on this forum when needed. We all have! Ask questions and we will try to answer them. Look for relief and take necessary breaks.
As to the "why" of it, that's something researchers wish they knew, as well.
It isn't clear to me if you mean that your OWN anger is plaguing you, or if your husband's angry moments (FTD is infamous for manifesting with outbursts) is the currently the worst part of all this. For yourself know that depression often manifests as anger; see your MD and discuss whether you might not need some mild anti-depressants to bridge your adjustment here.
If you are still working I know you already know your husband can't be alone while you do so; much will depend on how he can adjust to the day care. This is definitely a day-at-a-time as you learn all you can about this difficult condition.
Again, I am so very sorry: seems such an inadequate thing to say. Know you aren't alone.
Praying.
Counting my blessings, big and small. This helps put things in better perspective.
I have a number of suggestions. Hopefully some of them can be useful to you.
Recognize that Anger is caused by Reality not meeting Expectations.
You need to know what you're Angry about, and see if you can change Reality or Expectations or both.
So think. Specifically, what are you Angry about?: Losing your husband, losing future retirement plans with him, having to take care of him, having to worry about him, having to do everything by yourself, etc.
Take each one of your Angers, and see if you can either change the Reality or your Expectations
For example, you're Angry that you have to worry about him everyday. Having him in Adult daycare might reduce your worry. You change your Reality.
As for losing future retirement plans, you will have to make different plans and know that they too can change. You change your Expectations.
I know what I wrote above sounds very methodical, very cut and dry. When you remove all the emotions, that is what you have left, logics.
Removing emotions is not an easy thing.
Suggestions:
Meditation helps calm your mind and clear your head.
Exercising can do the same.
Talking to a close friend, a therapist, or a clergyman helps too. (None of my friends understand how I feel, I don't tell them.)
Coming to forums like this and vent away. (I've been on here for 5 years now.)
Shutting yourself inside your car, then scream out your frustration. (I've done this a number of times.)
Other posters will have more suggestions for you.
Stick around. You are in good company. Many people here have been or are in similar situations.
I never thought about it this way but it sums it up nicely.
Excitement can sometimes feel like Fear.
A lot of people on this forum use the word Guilt and I think the emotion should be Grief or Sadness.
Anger.. one of the stages of dying. (And lets be honest that is what is happening.)
Shock
Denial
ANGER
Bargaining
Acceptance and Hope
There is no point to the HOW this happened. Chances are there would have been no way to prevent it. And unless your time machine is working this is taking up space in YOUR brain.
Just like a card game you play the cards you are dealt. You do the best you can with what you got.
I did not plan to spend the last 12 years of my marriage with the love of my life and Dementia. I learned a lot. I did the best that I could with the hand I was dealt.
I learned to research and find all sorts of ways that would help me be able to keep him at home.
But as I have said in other responses you have to know your limits. I said I would keep him home as long as it was safe to do so. If it is ever not safe for you or for him to keep him at home you have to look for Memory Care for him.
You also need to let YOUR health care team know what is going on with your husband his diagnosis WILL effect YOUR health. If you need to talk to someone do not hesitate.