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I am new to this forum and seeking advice in how to move forward in my relationship with my fiancé. Right now, he is the caregiver of his 96 year old grandmother, 60 year old father with mental health issues, and 60 year old uncle that also has severe mental health issues. His grandmother, father and uncle live together, however my fiancé cares for the house they live in (general upkeep, lawn care, cleaning) and checks in every other day or so to make sure everyone is "OK". Fiance lives with me and my two children (ages 8 and 10 from previous marriage), I have no family nearby and zero help with my kids etc. We both work full time jobs and I am the breadwinner of the home.
When we first met and for the first few years of his relationship, he would stop in to see his family and help out but it wasn't a focus on our entire relationship and everything that we do. He was able to balance both. In the past year, his grandmother had several hospital stays and has required more. He has had to take off work several times to take her to doctors appointments during the day, does not get paid when this happens. I had to pick up the slack when he is taking off work and not getting paid which puts more financial pressure on me and our family. His grandmother treats his father and uncle like children and although they both have mental health issues, I do believe they could do more around the house so that my fiancé didn't need to come over and clean, do the yard work and have this huge responsibility when he is newly engaged trying to have a family of his own. I feel his family puts a lot of onto him and does not view him as a man with a family but one that is still single without outside responsibilities himself.
My fiancé is overworked, stressed and it has completely changed the relationship that we have. I do not have extra time to help with my job and young children at home and my own responsibilities. His grandmother refuses to go to a nursing home. It seems like this current situation is non-sustainable with how stressed out my fiancé is and his inability to be fully present with my children now. We have put our wedding plans on hold since the sole focus has been on his family and their needs and he is so upset and stressed from it all. He tells me he feels very guilty if he is not helping out his grandmother all the time since his dad isn't doing it. I feel like he is taking out his guilt and stressed out on me and when he has responsibilities within our house. Not sure what the answer is? I love this man but it doesn't feel like an end is in sight. I am stressed, tired and resentful since I feel I am holding too much of the financial burden and have two kids myself to support. Thanks.

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No, there is no end in sight. The saddest and most difficult thing for us to "get" is that we cannot change others. Your guy is a good guy, but he has made his choices. You cannot change them. You can only make your own choices. I would suggest mental health professional visits in the early new year to comb through the choices you have moving forward, as this will not change and it will not end. You can't save him. You can save yourself, though not without heartbreak. Heartbreak is sometimes how we learn, awful as that sounds. I sure wish you luck and I am so sorry.
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Happytimes1982 Dec 2021
thank you....yes it is probably inevitable although I wish this wasn't the case. I keep going back and forth with pros and cons of all of it and wish this wasn't all the case.

This wasn't the case for the first few years of our relationship, although once we got engaged it changed.
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The fact that your fiancé has chosen his family over you and your children should be telling you a whole lot. You are not his number one, and unless things drastically change, probably never will be. And that I'm sure is a hard pill to swallow.
As much as you say you love him, I hope and pray that you realize that you and your children deserve much better, and as hard as it may be, that you make the changes necessary, not only for yourself but your children as well, so they will learn what a real loving relationship is supposed to look like. Because what you have now isn't it.
Best wishes to you and your children.
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 2021
Finally!!! Some people with sense enough to realize that her fiancé will never put her and the children first. He should move right in with the 3 people that he is putting before you!!
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Sadly, the stars haven't aligned for you and your fiancé. You need to do what's best for your children, and the additional burden of his family -- a problem that won't be resolved for decades -- is not fair to them. Your focus should be on them.

If you want to continue a relationship with him, that's your business, but separate everything else in your life from him, including his residence. DO NOT get married to him, or you'll be on the hook to support him and who knows who else.
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Too much pressure and financial stress! This potential life does not have a good future for yourself and your two kids with your fiance's situation. Without help for his family, your future marriage will only make matters worse, not better. That is what an engagement is for, a period of decision before tying the knot. If you want to continue this relationship, seek professional help.
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Happytimes1982 Dec 2021
Thank you.
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You spelled it all out here and you know the right answer. Your fiance has no real plan in mind to do anything but take care of his own immediate family, which does not include you or your children. He has the right to do that, and you have the right to want more for yourself and your children than a man who's unavailable for you and your children. That's the bottom line.

It's time for you to move on now, without your fiance, unfortunately. When you meet the right person, you will know it because YOU and your children will be his prime focus. If he has elderly loved ones to care for, he'll be open to discussing other options with you for their care & management. He'll be willing to call in outside services to help them and not be their only source of care, their cleaning staff, their #1 hero on every single front, even when he has to forfeit his own income in order to do so. Your new man won't have a hero complex and insist on being all things to his family at all times, while neglecting his new family entirely. And shutting his fiance out of discussions she needs to be an equal part of. That's not how healthy relationships work. And your new partner will also have a good job and income so he can be an equal contributor to the household you'll share. You carrying 90% of the load financially isn't a good foundation for a healthy relationship either. That's bound to get real old real quick!

Wishing you the best of luck disentangling yourself from this engagement and moving forward with your life.
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His focus is on "his" family not "you or yours"
There is no end in sight unless you can see 20 years or more in the future.
His dad and uncle both in their 60's could live another 20, 30 or more years.
Do you want to wait that long?
His grandmother, if she remains at home will continue to need more and more care. If the father and uncle do not do their share then it will eventually ALL fall on your "betrothed's" shoulders to care for her. You think he is devoting a lot of time now...just wait.
Sit down and discuss with him your VERY VALID feelings, and concerns.
If he does not want to have caregivers come in and do what he is doing, hire people to do the lawn and other work that he is doing then sad to say I do not see a future for you that has a happy marriage in it, at least with him.
I think stepping away is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your kids.
If he is living in YOUR house tell him that he can move in with grandma, dad and uncle.
If you are living in HIS house then begin looking for a place you can afford for you and your kids.
If the house is owned jointly that might pose a bit more of a problem and you will have to consult an attorney.
If you love him and he loves you he can begin to "court" you again once his priorities are in line.
In the meantime you begin living your life for yourself and caring for your kids.
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You must realize that are his second priority. Do not expect him to change. It's up to you to decide to accept him the way he is, or you should start thinking about moving away from him. Remember, that we all are the masters of our own environment. Only you can change it, no one is going to do it for you.
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Happytimes1982 Dec 2021
Thank you. Its so hard.
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I feel like he is playing wack-a-mole and just reacting to the needs of his dad, uncle and grandmother at the moment which is what most of us would do. With the grandmother's age of 96, she won't be around forever...although my mother in law will be 100 in march and still lives alone and drives... His dad and uncle could need care for the next 40 years. So, you're right in feeling like there is no end in sight.

You need to sit down with your fiance and have a deep conversation. Ask him what the long term plan will be for his family members. Ask him to think further ahead than next week. If his plan is to always be their caregiver, then you may have a decision to make. Explain to him that you were looking for a husband, a full time partner, someone to share the day with and the responsibilities of a household. If he is working full time and caregiving in his free time, that doesn't leave any time for him to devote to a new wife and household.

If he is open to finding other solutions for is family, he may need your assistance with that. For example finding out what dad, uncle and grandma qualify for. Filling out paperwork, maybe even orchestrating a move, getting a social worker involved. I am sure he is overwhelmed and not sure what solutions are possible. If you truly love him, help him. If he is not open to finding solutions and not open to your help, then you may have to make a decision that is best for you and your children and back out of the relationship.
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Happytimes1982 Dec 2021
Thank you. Yes it feels like just one crisis to the next. The hardest part of all of this is his unwillingness to let me help assist with finding resources. The things is that I am generally the person that is good at this sort of thing: finding resources, employing help, etc.He says he feels guilty if he is not the one doing this. For example, he refuses to hire someone take care of their property and cut the grass..he says that his grandma likes when he's the one that does this. Last year he said he would hire his step brother, but that never came to fruition. I am at a loss since theres so much resistance.
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No one person should have the care of 3 people. He may be disabling his Dad and Uncle by doing everything. A BiPolar, if tgats their problem, can mow a lawn and do some light cleaning. See if Grandma fits the criteria for Medicaid "in home" care. This way she gets aides and transportation to appts.

Call Office of Aging to see what services they have.

"when he is newly engaged trying to have a family of his own"

The last thing I would do is bring another child into this mix. I, for now, would find whatever services were available and put marriage on the back burner. If BF and grandmom are not accomodating, then I may just part ways. Believe us when we say, you do not want to get married when he has this kind of responsibility. If you marry, you are #1. With 2 people with mental health problems, Dementia maybe the next thing and you do not want to involve yourself in that. Plus, 2 close relatives with mental health issues. Is this hereditary? BiPolar is in my Dads family and I would not wish that on anyone.
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I just read one of your responses below and I have to say that on paper, the two of you don't strike me as a good match. There is an age difference, a financial difference and a difference in stage of life. I'm not sure what connected the two of you, but his resistance to finding a solution to his caregiving of three people will more than likely be the thing that ends your connection. He can't walk away from them or he has no retirement so he is in a pickle. It is more than likely going to happen anyways, but he can't see that or doesn't want to see that.

People think that relationships will be easier when you're older, but that's not true. When you're older you've got roots (jobs, children, elderly parents) things you can't just uproot or leave. Finding time to nurture a new marriage or relationship is hard. You've got to find someone who fits into your situation and you into theirs. You've got someone cleaning your house and he doesn't even have any health insurance. You two are not living the same life....
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