My MIL and FIL have had a very unstable relationship for years, he travels for work and is not home the majority of the time. Due to my MIL’s mobility issues, we are essentially running her household and ours. We have noticed that she is unstable on her feet, cannot critically think, and has trouble making basic decisions. She has mentioned to us in the past that she does not feel safe living on her own. Due to their marriage issues, both have ignored her living situation because my DH and I have been taking her to all her appointments, grocery shopping, and all other errands. We don’t mind helping her for the most part, but there are weeks that we struggle to get our basic needs met in order to handle hers. I have also noticed a significant amount of pushback towards my DH when she asks him to make decisions for her and doesn’t like the outcome.
Things came to a head with his parents in Feb and my DH demanded that his parents make a decision that puts his mother in a safer living situation. His father came into town, told his mother he was divorcing her, and left again. So no resolution or safer living for her. My DH called his sister (who his mother will listen to) and had her step in and start touring IL to AL places. She finally decided on one and has paid a caregiver to help her start going through their house and pack.
This site has really helped me work through all the resentment that I was starting to feel towards her due to the situation. I do not want to be the woman that resents her MIL or does not help her family, however I am terrified that she will try and back out of the living situation at the last minute. I understand that her life has been completely turned upside down in the last few months and I hate that for her. I also feel like this is her chance for a new start and she needs to embrace it and move forward with her head held high. She has just been crumbling every step of the way and refusing to make any type of decision when we do not have that luxury. Stepping in and making decisions for her does not help her exercise her brain at 74 years old.
My DH and I have worked on healthy boundaries and have accepted that our lack of boundaries have gotten us to this point. When she moves into the IL place I am concerned that she is not going to be as independent as she thought and call on us repeatedly again.
Also, with the move in date closing in she has had several meltdowns regarding her dog not being able to come with her. We have made several suggestions for the barking and aggression which she fails to follow through with. Even cancelling several appointments with a dog trainer. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s self sabotage?
We have a vacation coming up the week after she moves in, would it be best for us to ignore her calls unless it’s a true medical emergency? We are very drained from the last few months and are trying to set more healthy boundaries. She also has a habit of having an “emergency” or medical issue (never actually gets a diagnosis) when we are leaving to go out of town.
Is there any thing that would help this transition go smoother? We have hired a moving company and have told her that she only needs to focus on things she needs right now. Even helped her pick out new furniture that she can be excited about. She is excited about moving one minute, then begins to spiral down when she thinks of the dog and all the things she needs to do at the house to get it ready to sell.
Overall, we just want her to be in a safe environment where she can socialize and be happy. I do want to end this cycle of enabling as she has no dementia diagnosis or any medical diagnosis to explain the lack of critical thinking or mobility issues. I think she is a wonderful lady that has found that if she is sick or needs help, she gets attention. I am slowly getting my DH on board that she needs to use her brain as much as possible to keep her sharp as a tack.
"Exercising her brain" isn't going to help her make decisions if she's the type of person who cannot do that. My mother has relied on others to make decisions for her her entire life (and then she can blame THEM when things don't turn out right), and cannot even decide what to order off of a menu. She's been in AL since 2014 b/c she needs to be told what to do, basically, not left to make up her own mind, then nothing would get accomplished. She's 94 now, with moderately advanced dementia, but that's another story.
Your MIL surely sounds like she's suffering cognitive decline. Using her brain isn't going to help that situation, really, because once dementia sets in, it's too little too late. Maybe if she'd learned an instrument 20 years ago or something, maybe she'd have been able to delay it for a while. Who knows? Doctors still know so little about the brain and how it functions.
In any event, I seriously doubt she's 'as sharp as a tack' anymore, or that anything you can do for her will keep her that way. It sounds like she needs help, at least from a mobility perspective. My mother has fallen 70x already in AL and now in Memory Care. I thank God she's in managed care because if she was still in IL, I would have been scrambling to find her AL accommodations. Hopefully your MILs IL place also has AL facilities as well? That's another move, though........just something to consider.
It's too bad she can't take her dog b/c that's just another loss for her at this point. Perhaps you can get her a cat, if animals are allowed?
As far as 'getting the house ready to sell goes', she really shouldn't be involved in that. You can hire an estate sale company to get rid of most of the belongings, and a cleaning company to do a deep clean, a staging company to stage it for sale, etc. In her condition, it must feel totally overwhelming to even think about such a thing! In addition to being sucker punched by her husband..........she has a lot on her plate. If you can arrange the house sale and clean up for her, that would facilitate a smoother move for her, I would think.
As far as your vacation goes, unless someone else can take her phone calls, I'd take at least one a day from her while she's settling in to the new digs. She'll likely be frightened and need to hear a reassuring voice and to be talked off the ledge. I know my mother would, and she sounds a lot like your MIL.
Being that your MIL likes attention and seems to thrive on it, that's another good reason to consider AL. There's much more attention bestowed upon the residents of AL than IL. If a resident of AL holes up in her room, the activities director will come get her out of there and involved with the others doing things in the activity room (at least in the ALs I've been involved with). My mother absolutely ADORES attention and thrives on it, making her the perfect candidate for AL. The staff love her and she treats them like gold. It makes for a good situation for her and for me as well; it's a win-win.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
We have hired a realtor and an estate sale company to handle the move. She is adamant that she wants to go through every room to direct what needs to be sold, donated, trashed. So they just prop her up in a chair, take direction, and pack things for her. Much like the show Hoarders :) She refused to pack and take only things she needed to the IL place which would have gotten her in there two months sooner.
We drew a hard line and said if she wasn’t going to move sooner for her safety, she had to increase the caregiver hours during the week. (My DH and I are First Responders and can’t always take the day off) We also drew another hard line to coming over there everyday and doing little tasks for her so she could (and the POA) see how much help she actually needs.
As far as the cognitive decline goes...I’m convinced she’s got early signs of dementia. She is a very educated woman that can’t problem solve. For instance, she calls for an appointment and they don’t answer the phone. She will then call my DH and have a near meltdown on why that is and what she should do next. Most people will be able to connect the dots that you will eventually get a call back or you can call someone else. But on the other hand, she can research some crazy medical condition she believes she has to the point where you’d be convinced she’s a physician. She also continues to do the household finances. DH said she has not always been this way but he is satisfied with the negative CAT scan results saying she doesn’t have dementia. I think he is just exhausted from the last few years being her main caretaker and all the pushback he receives, so any answer is good enough at this point. Any tiny little road bump in life, she calls my FIL or DH to solve for her. So it’s very hard to separate what is cognitive decline vs helplessness. I believe she CAN do a lot of these things but WONT.
That was a huge part of the reason we have had stronger boundaries with her. We aren’t getting a good read on what her needs really are vs what she is doing for attention. While I understand the basic psychology behind that, the attention seeking behavior doesn’t help keep her safe or help us make choices that benefit her.
I suppose my real concern is getting her into the IL place and her asking the aide for a million things and then when they can’t deliver, she blows our phone up. It’s not ever things that endanger her life, it’s the lightbulb is too harsh, I want this blanket on the top shelf, pick up my dog food, etc. When she doesn’t get the response she wants, she ends up in the hospital. And my DH and I are the closest people to her so we end up going. The Doctor even told me last time that her medical history does not match the physical state she is in. Essentially hinting that she is exaggerating. We are all hoping that this move will be the best thing for her, she gets the attention she wants (she’s even excited about their gardening club), and that these mysterious medical events stop happening when we try and go on vacation once a year. We’d really like to renew our vows in a couple of weeks!
I honestly believe that my MIL has the beginning stages of Dementia. Especially after watching my grandmother go through that. She has told us that she had a CAT scan and was told that she does not have Dementia, however CAT scans only recognize the changes in the brain with well established diagnosis’. It’s hard to get her to be open and honest about her medical care because she is fearful of doctors and chooses alternative medicine over conventional medicine. However, she fills her time with NUMEROUS doctors appointments to only discount what the doctor has said at the end of it all.
We are absolutely treating her with grace. She 100% is going through a horrible time, but she also wanted this divorce (on the brink of it for years). We are trying to make sure that we are doing everything we can to get her in a safer environment, as this should have happened about 3-4 years ago. My DH’s family is very avoidant of hard situations and that avoidance does nothing for her. We have looked into a Elderly Lawyer for her to consult with and make sure her affairs are in order and benefit her. We are lucky that my FIL is committed to making sure she has a place paid for until the divorce is finalized.
I love my MIL and I think she is a very sweet woman who has been very good to me. But we are in a situation that is unsafe for her and just want to make sure that she is taken care of.
She may be talking about the dog, but there may be so many other things that are also hitting her.
Even though she may be grieving these losses, a move may indeed be NECESSARY.
I would go on that vacation as planned, but with maybe a once a day check-in so that she feels like she hadn’t lost you, too. The facility can contact you in a true emergency.
Good for you guys for keeping to boundaries that will be beneficial for ALL of you. You and your husband matter, too.
Best wishes.
I think you might be expecting a lot from your MIL to be able to process her husband kicking her to the curb, plus being able to make decisions about moving at the same time. Honestly, I'd say do what you can to make the move as seamless for MIL as possible. Make lists of things that need to be done --
1. Get a divorce attorney and protect the assets -- immediately.
2. Arrange for POA and trust/will documents
3. Set up separate banking accounts for MIL. Be sure to have copies of all her financials for the divorce attorney, too.
4. Ensure she belongs in independent living (and it doesn't sound like she does if she can't move around well). Consult with the people at the facility to get their recommendation for her level of care. Also have her get a complete physical.
5. Prepare to move. She likely won't be able to sell the house until the divorce is settled, so she needs financing available without those proceeds.
6. Move
Assist her with every one of those tasks along the way, because she's going to need that help. This list is also not going to get done in a week or two -- it could take months, so be prepared for that as well. Try to tackle the list in manageable bites, and don't expect her to work at the same pace you can. Allow her some down time to not think about all this mess and do what you can to be helpful without her participation when possible.
It sounds like she's had a pretty rough time of it for a very long time, so cut her some slack. Eventually she'll be able to get her head above water again, but be there to help until she can.
I'm hoping your DH is her PoA (or someone in her family is) and not her ex-husband. If no one is currently her PoA then DH should make an appointment with an elder law attorney to hopefully help her assign a PoA. The attorney will interviewed her to make sure she understands what she is doing. Even if ex-husband is her PoA a new one will override his. Then AFTER the PoA is in place she can go to the doc and see if where her cognition is medically. If an exam shows cognitive impairment this will be important to prevent her from moving back out of the facility and going back to her old house. Make sure you and DH are on the same page that no matter if she balks she is not to move in with you two. MIL needs to know that this is not an option, even temporarily. It will help you to be prepared for the worst so that you don't romanticize how her life will be once she moves (if she ever does). The main goal is to help her while not having her move in with you. If you value your marriage, don't do it.
Also, I totally agree with JoAnn that you must get on top of her assets so that the ex does not drain her and run.
If FIL goes for a divorce you need to make sure he is made to pay support for her. That all assets are split. You and DH should not pay anything for her care.
I have brought up these same concerns. He could suddenly decide he doesn’t want to pay the $3300/month for her independent living and stop. And his family will immediately turn to us to step in, as they frequently do. I have encouraged the POA and my DH to have her hire a Elderly Lawyer/Family Lawyer to protect her, even if she doesn’t feel she needs it. His family is very avoidant and tends to stick their necks in the sand to avoid sticky situations. But that’s how we have all gotten into this situation.
His mother is also very passive (prior to the cognitive decline) and doesn’t tend to speak up.