Hi! My Mom's obituary has been up on the FH's website for a while, and I listed my brother, who died over 10 years ago, in the predeceased section. Now my sister, suddenly thinks his wife's name should be listed in the obit.
First, I wouldn't even know where to put it. Then honestly, his wife caused so much grief for my Mom and caused an estrangement of my brother and his family towards the rest of my family.
I listed his kids in the grand kids section (wasn't their fault that my brother and his wife choose not to allow them to be a part of our family)
My sister has written that it would be respectful of my brother.
I'm shocked she has written me about this. I wouldn't even know where to put her name. And as my sister says that she doesn't think anyone else would go along with it, I'm a bit at a loss.
Any one face this before ?
Thank you all.
I’m not for listing the predeceased. Tell anyone who asks that the deadline has passed to change the obit and hope that they drop the idea.
If anyone lists Rude Aunt as predeceasing me, I’ll come back from my urn to haunt them. She’s sly and sneaky, treated the whole family cruelly, is not admirable in terms of personal relationships or business dealings, and I wouldn’t want my name associated with hers now or in the hereafter.
I would simply say no, you are now finished with the obit and it stands where it is.
Both my brother's kids messaged us on FB that they are sorry to hear of the loss, but didn't once mention their mom. So they aren't worried about it, so I won't be either.
Thanks for all who replied. Such good advice here.
Obituary: Jane (Jones) Doe, widow of David Doe, mother of Beth Doe Williams (John), Susan Doe Smith (Tom) and late Roger Jones (Lois) and grandmother of Bill, Jack and Linda Williams; Tommy, Suzie and Janie Smith and Lucy, Amy and Roger Jones, Jr. ….
My BIL had been divorced for many years when his dad passed. BIL's name was menitoned as a survivor, the grands were simply listed as "survived by 10 grandchildren" and not by name.
ex-SIL was not offended and didn't care.
EX--that's the key word there.
Just do what feels 'right'.
Can you imagine how confusing our family obituary would be? I am the only child who is still married to the same spouse.
My children have numbered their aunts, Aunt no. 1, 2, 3 and 4. They have tons of cousins! We are friendly with all of them. They have said that they divorced my brother and not the rest of the family.
When my father was dying in the hospital they all showed up because they loved my dad and the hospital staff was so confused about my brother standing there with four women. I told the staff not to try and figure my family out.
My cousin told me that she saw my brother flirting with my dad’s nurse. We were wondering if she would become wife number 5!
I used to think the predeceased part was odd, especially when the subject of the obit was a very elderly was predeceased by their parents. No kidding they're dead -- their folks would have been about 120 years old.
However, as a now-enthusiastic geneaology buff, I've found obituaries with that information a great way to quickly piece together a family tree.
You are correct in saying that obituaries are helpful in gathering information about our ancestors.
So are baptism records. I have gone to look at gravesites as well. I found the grave of one of my distant grandfathers who was the first to come to Louisiana from Germany.
The majority of my family came over from England.
I’m also amazed at what I have found in census records too. It’s quite time consuming to verify everything but it’s really interesting to discover so many new things.
I did 23andme and reconnected with long lost cousins who moved away.
Usually you put survived by with spouses in parentheses. In this instance it would be survived by DIL and brother in deceased.
With it being 10 yrs since brother died and I assume no contact, I would just let it go. If you want to be picky, she is not married to him anymore. If she has remarried, I would not do it. If she had still been in touch and was considered a daughter, then I may have mentioned her.
What gets me in some obits is the ex spouses being included.
What if the person had been widowed by 10 previous spouses! 😁
Read my response to Midkid.
Geeeeez, One of my brothers is on wife number 4. My other brother had two wives. That’s a lot of wives!
My deceased brother was divorced too! His ex is deceased now too. I’m the oddball of the family who is still married to the same spouse!
You kept it simple, which is fine.
I will say this though. The relationship between living people, shouldn't be strained by dead people.
What I mean by that is. Your brother is dead, and so is your Mom. Whatever problems they had relating to your deceased brother's wife...shouldn't strain the relationship between you and your sister.
So, do whatever is best to end this conflict quickly before it grows; even if it means saying yes just for peace sake.
I don't think your mother would want you harboring a grudge on her behalf, long after she's dead.
I quote "My sister has written that it would be respectful of my brother" to insert the wife.
I agree. But again OP, only you know what's best to do. You, your sister...decide...not strangers on a forum.
I have received so much good advice as I have now.
Personally at this point, don't care about rumors, that can happen anyway. I actual think here that most folks would be surprised to see her name mentioned anywhere in my Mom's obit.
Thanks for responding. Peace