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It's selfish to wish your mother with dementia would continue to live like this! As a Christian, you should take solace in the fact of an afterlife and know your mom will be FREE of her limitations once she passes.
I once spoke to a deacon in the Catholic church who told me he prayed daily for his mother with dementia to die and to be with God. That very day I began the same prayer for my mother who was also out of her mind with dementia and begging to see her deceased mother, father and siblings. It was horrible to witness her decline.
We all love our mothers, and with that in mind, we should want to see their misery come to an end. Pray for THAT miracle to happen rather than an impossible and awful one to take place instead. Let mom eat whatever she wants and get some enjoyment during her end of life journey.
Rely on your faith now and know that God is with you and mom now and always.
I lost my mom at age 99, even at that great age and her battles with dementia and frailty it was too soon. And yet at the same time when our minister started talking about her reaching her 100th birthday I told him no, please God NO 🤗
My much loved MIL died age 99 years and 9 months. I had the same experience of several people saying 'what a pity she didn't live to 100', and me saying NO. She died in the NH in the night, and I drove down from the farm smiling and saying 'she's FREE'.
I definitely believe in miracles and hope you’ll have faith to see that your parent’s have both been blessed with long lives, your father has peace now, and your mother needs and deserves this same peace. I certainly didn’t want to lose my parents either, but considering their torment with medical conditions that had no cure, it would have been selfish of me to expect them to stay on this earth when they longed to leave. Your guilt is misplaced, you’ve done nothing wrong, this is the normal and inevitable cycle of life coming to each of us. Please give yourself the gift of acceptance. Don’t badger your mother about food, simply hold her hand, and enjoy her company as you can. I wish you both peace
That being said - sometimes the miracle can't or doesn't happen here on Earth. God has blessed us with so many doctors and so much knowledge on how to heal the human body. But there are still some things that we cannot fix here on Earth. Sometimes the only freedom from disease is to pass to God's hands and enjoy that new body and complete healing.
I know how hard that is. My dad passed 7 years ago and he had a "curable" cancer. The problem - the "cure" was so bad that his quality of life would have dropped to almost nothing - and 'if" it worked it could have been several years of living in excruciating, unending pain - to get maybe a 1/3 of his quality of life back. My dad made the choice that he didn't want to continue suffering even more than he already was - just for possibility of some improvement and continuing to suffer more the rest of his life. The doctors gave him a year. He was with us less than 3 months. But that 3 months was peaceful, his pain was managed, and we all got to spend time with him - letting him know how much he was loved.
Losing someone you love is hard. My grandmother has stopped eating and drinking much lately. We can see what's coming. She doesn't want to eat. We can't force her. So the inevitable is coming.
You are grieving. It often feels like guilt - but you have nothing to feel guilty about. The human body has so very much capacity. But it has its limits. Doctors had learned how to cure so many physical ailments. But the brain is new territory and there is little to be done to fix dementia. As dementia progresses - it gets harder for the person it impacts. But also for those around them.
I think sometimes our body's know before our brains do. And sometimes for those of us watching - we think we can hold death off. But sometimes reassuring the person that they are loved, that we will be ok without them, is the best way to ease their pain.
How old is your Mom? Mine is 95 and although I will miss her once she passes, no one gets to stay here forever. Her sister, my Aunt, is 105 and wants to go very badly. I'm glad your Mom is also your best friend. Mine was never that, and it's ok since I have other excellent friends that I cultivated over the years. This is now what you will need to do. I wish you peace in your heart on this journey.
Unfortunately there are no miracles when it comes to our aging and eventual passing. We would all live very long, healthy lives if there were. My mother was also my dear, beloved friend and her passing left a hole in my heart. But that’s the circle of life. You may benefit from grief counseling as your mother progresses through her final stages of life. I wish you peace.
My mother is the center of my life as I'm her caregiver and she is the center of my family as I'm an only without a significant other or children. When she passes, I will quite alone and utterly and absolutely devastated; however, even so, you don't want her to live with the scourge that is dementia. She may experience fear, anxiety, dissociation, loss of the abilities to move, feed herself, even toilet herself. Let God take her when it's her time. Don't wish for an extended stay.
Sorry you are going thru this but there is no miracle when the brain is dying. No special diet or pill will stop or reverse the effects of Dementia. My Mom passed at 89. Her Dementia journey covered about 6 years. The last year she declined fast. I prayed that she would be taken home. She knew she would be going to a better place. I lost my Mom long before her passing.
Why do you feel guilty. You did not cause her dementia. We all do our best and may fall short but we did enough. Yes, we may have lost patience but most of us are doing jobs we are not equipped for and with no help. We are all mortal. We are all going to pass. Its called life.
I think you should talk to your minister. If Mom is on Hospice, they should have a minister affilated with them. Also, grief counceling.
I am Christian and do believe in miracles but what you are praying for will not make you feel any less distraught. My mother passed away exactly 4 months ago and I miss her so very much. She was really only in the throes of dementia for the final 6 months of her life but I would never wish that on anyone or their family members. My mom caught mild COVID in early November but ended up with severe Covid delirium. By the end of November, she had done a deep dive into dementia and lost her ability to walk, was incontinent and had difficulty swallowing. She remained in a complex medical setting until the middle of February and once the hospital staff had determined she was not improving and nothing more could be done, she was placed in a nursing home. I spent every day with her and some days she appeared fairly lucid and other days, she struggled to remember my name. She was never aware that she couldn’t walk anymore and so when she told me she had been out walking or swimming she truly believed it. I praise God for this. She never fully realized how incapacitated she was. I cried every night driving home from either the hospital or the nursing home and my prayers as I drove home and before I went to bed were to “Please God, end my mother and my family’s suffering”. My prayers were answered on Good Friday. My mom went by ambulance to the hospital and she suffered a brain seizure. By Easter Sunday, she was placed in Palliative Care and on the following Friday, she died. I mourn the passing of my mom and I felt some “guilt” for asking God to end all of our suffering but since reading the forum discussions here, I realize two very important facts: 1.) it’s not guilt I feel, it is grief and 2.) I am very blessed for both having my mom as my mom and for God so kindly and lovingly answering my prayers. I am truly sorry for so many on this forum who have dealt with a loved one’s dementia for several years. It is a devastating experience to observe/live. I wish peace for you as you continue along this journey with your mom. God bless everyone on this forum! “There go I but for the Grace of God”.
I hate to break it to you but your mom is going to die. As a Christian you know that part of living is dying and you live the best life that you can so that you CAN reach Heaven. Rather than guilt you feel sadness, grief, remorse and all the other emotions that go with life. But guilt is not or should not be one of them. Obviously your mom did a very good job raising you and she was a good mom. (I read so many posts here and not everyone is so lucky, YOU can thank God for that) Your mom will always be with you. She will be that voice in the back of your head when you wonder what to do. She will be with you when you fix "her" stuffing at the next holiday. Tell your mom thank you for everything she has done for you and taught you and tell her that you will miss her. And tell her it is ok to go "home". As a Christian you know that is what we are put here on earth for.
I remember very clearly sitting next to my Husbands bed about the week he died. I sat often with him and talked and I told him I would be alright and I was crying. Then it suddenly hit me. My tears were selfish ones. I was going to lose him... I was the one being left... I was sad.... It was all ME, ME, ME... He had been surviving, I do not want to say living because dementia is no way to live, for 12 years. This is not the smiling, happy, intelligent man I met and married so many years ago. This was a shell. He would not have wanted to live this way if he had had a choice. That thought changed my way of thinking. Oh it hurt when he died. I thought I was prepared but it felt as though someone had ripped my heart from my chest. He was free. Let your mom go free. 🙏🙏
I have to add this...If you do not have Hospice helping you now please call one and get mom on Hospice you will get support that you will need.
Grandma1954, I do hope that you know that getting to heaven has absolutely nothing with living "the best life you can so that you CAN reach Heaven" but is instead about accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. John 14:6 says....Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." And Romans 10: 9-10 says... "If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved." NO WHERE in the Bible does it say that you can only get to heaven if you are good enough. as we are not perfect thus we will never be good enough. Instead it says in Ephesians 2: 8-9 " For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God, NOT BY WORKS,(my emphasis added) so that no one can boast."
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I once spoke to a deacon in the Catholic church who told me he prayed daily for his mother with dementia to die and to be with God. That very day I began the same prayer for my mother who was also out of her mind with dementia and begging to see her deceased mother, father and siblings. It was horrible to witness her decline.
We all love our mothers, and with that in mind, we should want to see their misery come to an end. Pray for THAT miracle to happen rather than an impossible and awful one to take place instead. Let mom eat whatever she wants and get some enjoyment during her end of life journey.
Rely on your faith now and know that God is with you and mom now and always.
That being said - sometimes the miracle can't or doesn't happen here on Earth. God has blessed us with so many doctors and so much knowledge on how to heal the human body. But there are still some things that we cannot fix here on Earth. Sometimes the only freedom from disease is to pass to God's hands and enjoy that new body and complete healing.
I know how hard that is. My dad passed 7 years ago and he had a "curable" cancer. The problem - the "cure" was so bad that his quality of life would have dropped to almost nothing - and 'if" it worked it could have been several years of living in excruciating, unending pain - to get maybe a 1/3 of his quality of life back. My dad made the choice that he didn't want to continue suffering even more than he already was - just for possibility of some improvement and continuing to suffer more the rest of his life. The doctors gave him a year. He was with us less than 3 months. But that 3 months was peaceful, his pain was managed, and we all got to spend time with him - letting him know how much he was loved.
Losing someone you love is hard. My grandmother has stopped eating and drinking much lately. We can see what's coming. She doesn't want to eat. We can't force her. So the inevitable is coming.
You are grieving. It often feels like guilt - but you have nothing to feel guilty about. The human body has so very much capacity. But it has its limits. Doctors had learned how to cure so many physical ailments. But the brain is new territory and there is little to be done to fix dementia. As dementia progresses - it gets harder for the person it impacts. But also for those around them.
I think sometimes our body's know before our brains do. And sometimes for those of us watching - we think we can hold death off. But sometimes reassuring the person that they are loved, that we will be ok without them, is the best way to ease their pain.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Why do you feel guilty. You did not cause her dementia. We all do our best and may fall short but we did enough. Yes, we may have lost patience but most of us are doing jobs we are not equipped for and with no help. We are all mortal. We are all going to pass. Its called life.
I think you should talk to your minister. If Mom is on Hospice, they should have a minister affilated with them. Also, grief counceling.
She was really only in the throes of dementia for the final 6 months of her life but I would never wish that on anyone or their family members. My mom caught mild COVID in early November but ended up with severe Covid delirium. By the end of November, she had done a deep dive into dementia and lost her ability to walk, was incontinent and had difficulty swallowing. She remained in a complex medical setting until the middle of February and once the hospital staff had determined she was not improving and nothing more could be done, she was placed in a nursing home. I spent every day with her and some days she appeared fairly lucid and other days, she struggled to remember my name. She was never aware that she couldn’t walk anymore and so when she told me she had been out walking or swimming she truly believed it. I praise God for this. She never fully realized how incapacitated she was.
I cried every night driving home from either the hospital or the nursing home and my prayers as I drove home and before I went to bed were to “Please God, end my mother and my family’s suffering”. My prayers were answered on Good Friday. My mom went by ambulance to the hospital and she suffered a brain seizure. By Easter Sunday, she was placed in Palliative Care and on the following Friday, she died.
I mourn the passing of my mom and I felt some “guilt” for asking God to end all of our suffering but since reading the forum discussions here, I realize two very important facts: 1.) it’s not guilt I feel, it is grief and 2.) I am very blessed for both having my mom as my mom and for God so kindly and lovingly answering my prayers.
I am truly sorry for so many on this forum who have dealt with a loved one’s dementia for several years. It is a devastating experience to observe/live.
I wish peace for you as you continue along this journey with your mom. God bless everyone on this forum! “There go I but for the Grace of God”.
As a Christian you know that part of living is dying and you live the best life that you can so that you CAN reach Heaven.
Rather than guilt you feel sadness, grief, remorse and all the other emotions that go with life. But guilt is not or should not be one of them.
Obviously your mom did a very good job raising you and she was a good mom. (I read so many posts here and not everyone is so lucky, YOU can thank God for that)
Your mom will always be with you. She will be that voice in the back of your head when you wonder what to do.
She will be with you when you fix "her" stuffing at the next holiday.
Tell your mom thank you for everything she has done for you and taught you and tell her that you will miss her. And tell her it is ok to go "home". As a Christian you know that is what we are put here on earth for.
I remember very clearly sitting next to my Husbands bed about the week he died.
I sat often with him and talked and I told him I would be alright and I was crying. Then it suddenly hit me.
My tears were selfish ones.
I was going to lose him...
I was the one being left...
I was sad....
It was all ME, ME, ME...
He had been surviving, I do not want to say living because dementia is no way to live, for 12 years. This is not the smiling, happy, intelligent man I met and married so many years ago. This was a shell. He would not have wanted to live this way if he had had a choice.
That thought changed my way of thinking.
Oh it hurt when he died. I thought I was prepared but it felt as though someone had ripped my heart from my chest.
He was free.
Let your mom go free.
🙏🙏
I have to add this...If you do not have Hospice helping you now please call one and get mom on Hospice you will get support that you will need.
John 14:6 says....Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."
And Romans 10: 9-10 says... "If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved."
NO WHERE in the Bible does it say that you can only get to heaven if you are good enough. as we are not perfect thus we will never be good enough.
Instead it says in Ephesians 2: 8-9 " For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God, NOT BY WORKS,(my emphasis added) so that no one can boast."