Is anyone dealing with unhelpful and nasty siblings?

My sister doesn't help. She lives an hour from my mom and I live 6, but I take care of everything - hire the caregivers, act as human resources :) for them, take care of everything that needs to be done around her house, etc, etc. My sister thinks my mom should be in a "home" and if that were the case, neither of us would "have" to do anything - which is incorrect. But since I want to keep her at home as long as possible, she just lets me deal w/everything. She's misguided, to say the least, about many things and will be sorry one day. The situation isn't nearly as bad as yours - since I don't see my sister every day like you do your brother - but is really difficult for me. When she ignores my mom, she's also ignoring me and my requests for her to help. So I know where we both stand w/her. I'm not sure I could do what you're doing if I had to be right w/her all the time. The only thing I can think of to say to you is, you're doing the best you can for your mom and you'll never have to spend one minute down the road feeling guilty for how you treated her. I'm sure she knows from your actions how much you love her and you're making what could be very difficult for her, as good as it possibly can be. I'm in awe of all you do.

I spent the holidays alone too! But it beats being with GREEDY people and siblings! The Lord knows all I have done ad so does some relatives....I am at peace in my heart...I love Mom, it killed me to put her into Assisted Living, but like my Aunt said she has taken care of my grandmother at her house up till she passed but was easy to deal with. My Mom will not shower or keep herself up, is in depends (no big deal there) it is better then her messing her pants which I went through. She has MAJOR depression. Has had it all her life but now she has had no will to live. Partly as she has a chemical imbalance and also my Dad passing and all the brutal fighting from the greedy family.. She is better off in Assisted Living as no one can ask her to move in her house and smooch off her.They have activities and she is a night person. They have tried to get her out of bed before 4 pm, with no luck. I cannot watch my Mom lay in bed. She said she is at peace sleeping. The doctor's said she has no will. Sad:( She is 77 years old.

Your not alone. I recently relocated from California to Wisconsin to take care of my elder parents. Mom had ovarian cancer and had battled the disease for 5 years. She was 92 yrs old. I was blessed to spend 1 month with. Now I am taking care of my dad who has alzheimers. Before I arrived all of my 5 siblings were taking turns helping my parents out now that I have arrived, I get no relief. It's sad but I just deal with it. My brother is angry at me for going to an elder law attorney and writing up a contract between me and my dad so I can get paid for my services. I am now excluded from all family functions. Being all alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas was hard but I just dealt with the lonliness. My mom had asked me to take of my dad before she passed away. She did not want my dad in a nursing facility. So I am happy with the fact I am doing what she wanted me to do. I know she is smiling down on me and my dad is very happy with his living arrangements. He is very happy he is not in a nursing home and tells me at least once or twice a week "where would I be if you weren't taking of me". That statement right there puts a smile on my face and then I wonder of all the other caregivers out there who are in the same situation as me. I just put my faith in the hands of the Lord. We are alone but someone high above is watching over us.

Your story sounds almost identical as mine. I took care of Mom and Dad for many, any years. My Dad passed 2 years ago. My Mom has had depression all her life. But after Dad passed she went downhill. She has dementia also. I live next door but have been living mainly with them. After Dad passed, my two half brothers, Jay and John, wet after Mom for money. They are greedy and never helped with Mom. I also took Mom on a vacation to get away from all the stress of her being taken advantage of, stealing, lying..etc..Even my son moved in, I do not have much to do with him as he has been on drugs fr years. Mom forgets and let's him move in, what a nightmare, he stole around $20,000 off Mom, I had to go to the court house and get a restraining order to get him out and to top it off my Mom did not understand and was mad at me.Then Jay my brother, had started drinking after my Dad passed ,ruined his 17 year marriage and got into a physical fight with my other brother over Power of Attorney. They both were out drinking like crazy (not together). I finally was given Power of Attorney from my Mom. The my brother Jay came over and beat me up in front of Mom, he was angry at me, I stepped in his way of using Mom for money. He also is on disability for mental issues and alcohol changed him ...still has.... after our vacation (4 months) Mom and I came back. Mo had co-signed for Jay's house so he could pay his x-wife, and Jay was not making the payments.I forgave Jay from beating e as I did not want anymore conflict. But Jay kept changing personalities and it scared me.Mom has given him over $55,000 in cash mainly but also the kabota tractor. John the other brother had tried to get Mom in a Nursing home so he could have her house by calling the police and saying she took a overdose. I was with Mom and she did not.So I have been through hell with siblings( they are half brother's as my Dad was my step Dad , I was only 7 when Mom married him. He was an alcoholic, he quit when I was 16. But he was very controlling. Did not think woman were suppose to have equal rights.So that is where the boys get their issues. I a the oldest, 56 years old. The boys never helped at all. So to sum it up I know all about greed!! My Mom is now in assisted Living, I am now trying to keep up with the paper work...Jay my pathetic alcoholic brother goes to assisted living to visit to have heat, internet and meals. He can not afford to keep his house bur refuses to get a room mate or downsize. He does not have any visitation with his twins as his temper and violent ways stopped him from having any unsupervised visitation.But his x-wife feeling overwhelmed with a full time job and 6 year old twins allows him some hours. He is till drinking and I think she is foolish.Then 3 weeks ago I brought my Mom to my house for 3 nights, she is on 3 diabetes shots and other medications. When it came time for her to leave, Jay has all wheel drive and offered to give her a ride. I did not have any cash so I gave him om's debit card to get gas. Well, he went on a $1,000.00 shopping spree....I could not report it to police as I am afraid of Jay. So I am getting Mom a court appointed Guardian. She has a vacant house, some land and some cash investments. not rich, but I can no longer handle fighting with dangerous siblings. I intend to let a judge take and make decisions.it costs money but I am burnt out... So can only say that if it gets too much bow out. I reported this to Adult Protective Services repeatedly and they did nothing. I pray for my Mom because we were and still are so close that it is literally killing me, my health has been severely affected... I will never forget what my half brother's have done to me and my Mom. I am done with them. I do not have a husband , so I a alone with my dog. It's been lot of losses for me.. My faith has kept me going....Good luck, :)

I want to thank each and every one of you for your wonderful support, suggestions and understanding. I feel so lucky to have found this place!! Finally, some people who understand!! I will be back with more stuff and questions! I just wanted to say "Thank You" so much for your support!! It means so much!!

I am the youngest of Three and have had my mom with me since 2009 ( after step father passed ) At that time we all agreed that Mom would live with me and my wife and daughter ( at that time I was married for 15 years ) and that she would visit with each of them when she wanted and spend a long weekend with them . At that time it soundined like a good plan. Well the visiting with siblings only lasted about Three months with each visit getting more worse than the last. She would come back home emotionaly damaged from the constent fighting over $$$ One brother was out of work for a year during the ressesion and mom gave $$$ to save his house Brother #2 was given $$$ to help pay for his medical insurance as he was diagnosed with a curable form of cancer ( which he just spent on a vacation instead ) when the $$$$ stoped they stoped along with another family member who asked for $$$$ and did not get it. I whatched them all come to her with their hand out and one by one when the $$$ stoped they stoped . As of today 1/5/14 Mom is and will always be with me ( Im hoping that she never has to go into a nursing home ) I am also divorced as of 2011 and do not blame it on my mother as we were living like roomates and I had asked her if it had anything to do with mom moving in to wich she replied " No I dont love you and have not loved you for the past 5 years " . Along the way I have made some good decisions and some bad ones. Im thankful for her One true friend that I do take her down to say and visit with on occasion and can say that her freinds have treated her better than family. I have met a wonderful woman that I have been in a loving and meaningful relationship with for the past several years. My helpful advice would be. Dont be to hard on yourself, let go of any guilty feelings and stay close to the people that are helpful and far from the ones that are not.
Best wishes in the New Year ahead.

Thankfully I do not have to deal with siblings.
As for the nutzoid brother, I would try and have him legally removed. Most people would not like my attitude but, if I had someone like that living in the same house, and I managed to evict him I really would not give a damn where he went or ended up even if it was the street. but that is me and things aren't that simple.
I agree with a previous poster: have brudder put somewhere before he become a lethal presence as well: there are enough stories of these crazies who end up murdering everyone. Sadly, what they are trying to avoid happens anyway, but worse.
Best of luck to you. As for the rest of the family, protect yourself against them, document everything. I don't know how bad your moms dementia is but she could be an impediment to trying to get rid of brother or rest of siblings.

A lot of good advice here. Your brother who lives at home could very well get worse and become more of a problem and need a caregiver as well. Through his doctor and a good attorney you could get yourself appointed as his guardian, and probably DPOA which as said would give you control over his finances, I highly doubt he'd do anymore to physically help than he has been. If you are not already, you should legally be your mom's guardian and you should have DPOA for her. It's also amazing how siblings come out of the woodwork when one is "appointed" as something legally. Anyway, by doing this it would allow you to potentially put the residence up for sale and move to something small enough there's really no room for the brother, forcing him to move out on his own or go to a home, that's a possibility. Therefore eliminating some of your bills, giving you more finances to work with as well. If you rent, you can look for a smaller rental to scale back on expenses, again forcing the brother to move out on his own. This would be good if he refuses to help, refuses to pay his share of the bills, and even with his problems, he's still capable of taking care of himself. Of course this all depends on where you live, and just how dependent your brother is. If he can take trash out, he can do more. Other options are adult daycare, there are also senior companions who will sit with your mom so you can get a break.

Your brothers I'm sorry to say sound pretty typical, it seems many (not all), just disconnect themselves, don't want to deal with hit. Other siblings who are not as involved often when they do step in to help, they just really don't know what to do or even where to start, kind of like how we all were at the start of caregiving for our parents, it was a learning process as we all know.

Allow yourself to feel the "gift" that is you. Your mother has a gem in you. Your siblings will never understand what they are missing in not helping your mother through this stage of her life. When you must say goodbye to her, you will the one and only that can say that you made a difference in your Mother's life. I, too, had to do this on my own with my mother, as my mother's younger daughter was only present when she thought she could get something out of it by showing up 3 to 4 times a year and trying to party with my mother as if nothing was wrong. Typical questions would be Save Mom's car for me when I get home. Should I come home and take what I want now from Mom's apartment. How much money is in the bank. Is there insurance. Never a question about how to financially help me help my mother afford the nursing home and medical costs. Not one penny, not ever. My advice to you is be careful what you wish for. You are in a very unique position to continue making the most loving and complete decisions for your mother. You do not need your siblings "help". You are amazing without them.

Someone said you can always find someone who has it worse. That's probably true.

I think that for some of you folks with useless or harmful families, you should sing a different song. "There is always a way to make things a little better. I deserve to have a better life, and I'm going to try to get it."

I know there's no magic wand to solve everything. But please at least look for some help. Go to the local Area Agency on Aging. See what help is available. Sometimes they have a lawyer to consult, and they have a LOT of experience. If your disabled sibling has a caseworker, talk to them. Go through your parent's doctor. There are things you have to accept, but there are other things that need "the courage to change."

Maybe you have already done all you can, and have sought help from everyone. Maybe the only way to make your life better is to come here and share with us, so you won't feel so alone. Please join our family.

I know exactly how you feel! In my opinion, it's time for the sibling to move on and move out. I gave up on my siblings- no help, very little contact. I decided to take matters into my own hands and do what was best for my mom and myself. I honestly feel like an only child and have decided that once everything is taken care of for my mom I am done with my siblings for good. Time to take control. You can do it. I know it's hard, exhausting, frustrating, and you want to tear your hair out but you WILL BE OK. I promise!

Oh, if only everyone could reach out and take care of each other when it comes to helping loved ones as they age. For your brother who is on SS, he could live on his own in income subsidized housing or a group home. Good advice from someone who posted. You should not continue, nor should your Mom, to enable him. It does him no good - what will happen after Mom and you are no longer here. Get your county social services in contact with him and move him out of that home asap. From what you say about his anger, both you and Mom could be in danger, not a good sign. He needs help. As for brothers and a sister who help somewhat, be patient, and do what someone suggested - sit down with them and put the question to them - what kind of relationship do you want with Mom? Have they always been unwilling to help - how was their time spent with Mom when she was younger and could do more with them? As long as you continue to do everything and don't really ask them, the situation will grow more tense. Also, find a respite place for Mom so you can have a break. You are running on fumes right now; you need to get away and if your health declines, you are of no good to anyone, especially your Mom. I know what siblings can do to each other, I've been down that road and it's not pretty. Your health is more important than anything. Get the paperwork done that is needed to protect your Mom's assets and if necessary apply for guardianship. God bless you for caring and doing. xxxooo

Wow, I hear you all. My mom moved next door to me 3 years ago after my father died. Before she moved here I drove 50 minutes at least once a week to take my mother everywhere. She never drove or made friends. I have 4 siblings, one stole thousands of dollars from my parents house while I was going there helping when my father was dying of bone cancer. I also worked 3 hours a day. I stayed 23 nights in 2 months. One sis stayed 8 nights, one stayed 1 night and my brother didn't stay at all. Since my mother moved here two sisters and my brother have become estranged. One sister lives 45 minutes away and thinks if she comes once every 2 months and takes mom out to lunch and a store she has done her part. My mom has COPD is on oxygen 24/7. I just finished chemo and radiation for breast cancer in November and still took care of my mom. I take her grocery shopping, banking, doctors and make her dinner every day. I sit with her for an hour a night to give her some company. Mom is 76, but seems 86 . I have talked ,asked and begged for help. I have given up. All I get are excuses and have stopped asking. I can rest my head at night and sleep. In the end I will have no regrets about not doing enough for mom, but they won't. I'm not religious, but I believe things happen for a reason. We caretakers will have a special place waiting for us when we do get to heaven.

i dont like big mouthed dogs either. a quiet, well mannered one i like very much.
as far as annoying siblings, assure and reassure again that your very much capable of being crazier than they pretend to be by far. git effin stupid with them, sadly its all some people understand.
case in point. when mother went on hospice my sis and neice were going to stay in the home and provide care, they brought with them a totally obnoxious dog in heat. it stank up the whole western part of the county iz what im sayin. i lost sleep all night one night wondering how i was going to get that creature out of our house without a fight. it came to me at 6 am. i sez, cap, yer gonna grow a pair of balls and do this thing. i called sis who tried 17 different end runs around my resolve and each time i reiterated that " the dog is gone " . dont let siblings punk you around, thats all im sayin.
lol, mom hated the dog and as she was stressing about it on the big day i never had so much fun in my life as reminding mom 20 times that the dog is gone. shed offer another complication but the reply was the same the gd dog is gone.

Yes, I have the same problem. My sister who lives in town has been little help. She has helped more recently, but it's mainly me taking care of Mom all day and night, every day and night; and I get no breaks. Fortunately, after three longs years, I'm going to get more help in the form of respite and a new doctor for my Mom and also some other things, arranged by a new case manager. It is worth it to look into resources/agencies locally that will help you get help. I think this site can direct you to some.

For those of you out there taking
Care of your folks or other
Family members, I want to
Say bless you.
There was a song awhile back
Tittled "people are crazy" that
Comes to mind.
Why others are so cold, I don't
know, but I suppose they have
Their reasons.
One of my theroy is that we
are a commerical society.
everything is desposible, we
Want nothing but new, and
That we don't want difficulty
Or hard work. Also money.
Its diffuclt, if you stand up
or say something, you'll get
Thrown in your face, "your
Getting everything
For free"
The truth of the matter is Ltd
Is well over $3000 a month.
You are contributing that
much.
there may be options,..if dad
Was in the military he might
Qualify for aid and attendance...
If dad is gone, mom might
Still qualify.
There might be programs locally
For home repair. There are
Also programs for heating or
Cooling, there are restbite programs, adult daycare. Homemakers, meals on wheels
And public transportation.
These can help both the caregiver
And person being cared for.
most have a sliding scale.
lastly, NEVER be afraid to ask.

Take care and I wish the best.

I don't have an answer, and its a hard question to answer, but I'm sure there is one for you, but I known JUST how you feel, I have a mother who is 81 and who is just about as suborn as an horse, and I also live with her, as helping around the house, included in the Household are my 2 nieces who are aged 40 and the other, her daughter at age 16, , who, well, think that I am a criminal, a bum, and don't do anything to please "them" as a caretaker that I have been
trained to do. In additional to that, they think they know better and proceed to tell others that they do know better, and I laugh, that's the only thing I can do right now, however, its a tough problem, and with proper thinking, and not losing your mind over things, just take one day at a time, and talk about things slowly with your sibling, until you can have that "effective" conversation with your sibling. Good Luck and do the best you can, take care of your own personal health, as that tends to go quickly with caretakers, that has happened with me. , Stay tuned down the road,, there just might be more things that come up in the future relating to home health care on a major level of work, I have some friends that have developed and are in the process of a proposal for building a Major Project called, "The Diamond Star Project" just for those disability Specific Problems at home, in particular to Federal housing with HUD and the Reasonable Accommodations, but we are headed for objections, and we need every CARETAKERS in the nation to support it, and we are just getting started promoting this to the general Public, as well as to Washington, and the World.

In the last two years since I've become caregiver to both of my parents, my younger sibling has done little to help. Every so often, he "throws money at the situation" by putting some money into my parents' bank account, but he has no knowledge of the day-to-day responsibilities of managing their care. And, there is no willingness to learn or take interest. Visits are few and far between, and phone calls are starting to follow suit. While I am angry with him, I feel worse for my parents, who are all too aware of what is happening with my sibling's behavior.

The first thing you should do is to organize the finances of the household. POA, guardianship, will, medical directives, etc., need to be addressed immediately if they are not already in place. It can seem a hassle, but it is imperative. And, most importantly, you and your mother will both be protected. You may want to look into what services are available to your brother. Perhaps your local government or community has programs available to get your brother out of the house from time to time. However, if he is becoming angry to the point where you or your mother feel unsafe, you may need to consider a group home.

It took me a long time to address and deal with the anger I have towards my brother. Our relationship has been damaged, and I'm not sure it can be repaired, which saddens me. I have gone through many, many difficult days with my parents, even days where I had no guarantee that they would be alive the next day. I did it all without the support of my sibling. I have tried numerous times to see it from his perspective--maybe he is in denial that they are getting older, maybe he wants to remember them in better health, maybe he is scared to lose them. I don't know. What I do know is that I treasure every single moment with my parents. I have been stretched to my limits, but I would not do one thing differently. At the end, I will have no regrets about the relationship I shared with my parents. If my brother doesn't come around, he will have to face the decisions he has made. Take a breath and know that although the path you follow is difficult, you are doing good in taking care of your mom.

It saddens me to see so many of us in similar situations. I'm the youngest of 4. I never would have thought that the siblings I looked up to growing up would be the same people I despise today. My brothers abandoned my mother the minute she was diagnosed with dementia. My sister recently (2 months ago)decided she was more interested in herself and her own family and left me to care for my mother by myself. We all live within 10 miles of where my mother lives. My siblings have not once called or visited my mother or myself to see how my mom is doing. It is hard for me to not speak ill of my siblings when my mother asks for them (when she remembers that she has other children and who they are) but I refuse to break my mothers spirit of what she remembers about her children. I'm not a religious person but when judgment day comes, I certainly hope my siblings get what they deserve.
More power to us care givers who really CARE!!!

I can't say I blame you! Thank you for your post...It really did give me the opportunity to vent! I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Roxanne627 I won't even call them when's there is a health crisis! Obviously they don't care, I don't need their help, been me & Mom a long time, screw them!

I know how frustrated you must be, because I'm in the same boat as you! My sister takes Mom once a week for a day, but my brother is no help at all. He has called to ask how Mom is, but unless I tell him only "good news" he doesn't want to hear it. I get the response, "this is what you signed on for," which just makes me livid! The last time he said that to me, just before Christmas, I decided that I've had enough of a sibling that doesn't help, see Mom unless it's a holiday, barely calls her or returns her calls, but will cry the loudest and longest when we lose her that he misses her soooooo much. I have tried to talk to him to tell him that while Mom still knows who he is, he should have a relationship with her, but that has fallen on deaf ears. I've come to the realization that nothing will ever change, so rather than make an effort, I'm done with him. My sanity has to come first and I'm miserable when I'm in contact with him. So, unless Mom has a health crisis, I no longer will be trying to have a relationship. It's so complicated.

My advise to you is to try to do the same thing that I'm trying to do...change your attitude, because nothing will change the attitudes of your sibling(s). It is very difficult to do, but I think lowering expectations will lead to a much happier life.

Being an only child, I did not have siblings to deal with which caregiving. However, I would try to work with the siblings who are cooperative. I would ignore the brother, make him live on his disability check and don't supplement it with your or your mother's funds. Tell him he has to make do because your mother's welfare needs to come first given her age. I would try to give him a wake up call in that his "best friend" his mother is not always going to be here to do for him. If he is able to comprehend the message fine, if not --just focus on your needs and more importantly you mother's needs. If he upsets the mother in her fragile state, investigate getting him out of the house. I would figure he could go to a group home for people with mental illness.
Focus on the mother, it's time for her to come first.

Call social services, then let the court help you.

Let court handle it for you. Call social services first. Good Luck!!

Thank goodness my three brothers live in another state, they do nothing to help.
They even stopped calling my mom.
So, I pretend they don't exist... And they get Nothing when she passes.

I am sole caregiver of my 94 yr.old Mom with dementia. We only have her Social Securty to live on. I have 4 hateful siblings. They don't care that we are broke, they have tons of money and would rather keep it all for them- selves and live in denial.
I can only say that this is all temempary. Enjoy your Mother while you have her in your life. You are her hope and joy. You have learned the truth about your siblings as I have and we can forgive but we won't forget their true colors.

Unhelpful yes? Nasty No! They'd have to actually contact us to show any nastiness..

It often amazes me how children all raised in one family can be so different. One sibling is responsible, honest , hardworking and giving and the other is deceitful, untrustworthy, and lazy. Unfortunately the latter makes our journey's tough. You have every right to feel the way you do. Things will be getting worse even more of a need to take action now to keep your sanity. Your mom has probably enabled your brother that has mental problems in the past. Maybe start by seeing what county/ state help you can receive for him. You can do this!

I have five younger siblings much like your brother, and one who is helpful but lives many states away.

After over three years of problems with the "gang of five" because I've set boundaries to protect my father's property and assets - and much turmoil and many legal problems from trying to establish these boundaries to protect him and myself, I found some relief after applying for an order of protection against one emotionally "unpredictable" sibling who assaulted me in the home my father and I share. As things played out and my Dad came to realize the "gang's" true motives and willingness to lie and support (another) offender's breaking the law, the tension between him and me subsided. He has since taken some legal actions to address some of the wrongdoing, and I have taken action to have this second offender investigated for financial offenses against me regarding assets Dad placed in my name. As Dad's previous POA, this person misused his assets and conned me into trusting her with the assets Dad placed in my name.

Fortunately (for me), I could report this sibling to the state licensing board because their CPA license requires a "moral fitness" and ethical standards to be upheld.

Dad and I are better off with no involvement by the "gang" members" since the stress each one typically generates in visits/phone calls is harmful & sometimes abusive. I need to keep an audio/video recorder running during their visits to capture/contain their behaviors.

I know my response probably doesn't provide any answers for you. Just know that there ARE others who have challenges with disrespectful/narcissistic/abusive siblings.

Sometimes lessening expectations of the others - and ourselves - makes the stress a bit more manageable.

It sounds like you're doing a great job with your Mom, especially with a difficult live-in sibling and the negative/counter-productive brother. Coming to the realizations of what some people are is the toughest adjustment to make, IMO. Moving ahead in spite of them becomes easier.

psteigman offers some great advice re: finances.

Hang in there and keep this lifeline open, OK?