Hi everyone,
Historical details not necessary, but has the above happened to anybody? FYI I’m not caring for my mother in-home, but her needs and drama are RELENTLESS. Quick version, after 4 years post Dad death and ensuing work/mom stuff, a month ago a big medical emergency (hers) and now on the first of a few precious days away I was told I had to get her out of nursing care and into memory care in just a few days. No one to help barring anyone I hire.
Before this hopeful mini break, I spent an entire day crying, then after getting this news the first day of my rest I basically lost it. Then I felt too tired to exercise ( red flag ) got a raging UTI, can barely eat, woke up today and first thing almost passed out from a panic attack of all things?
Regarding my mom, I’m not a martyr or a monster; always setting boundaries and am not abandoning her either. But the boundary setting and drama is literally nonstop and there are no other ‘go to’ family members or even friends mom will lean on ( Because they’ve ditched her! Smart! ).
Been going on 4 years of ‘being there’ and I really feel I’ve done pretty good self care, but maybe too much stress is too much. Last night when I talked to her and I said the call had to be short because I wasn’t feeling good she said, “ You have to get well so you can take care of ME! That’s why you have me locked up in here". So yeah, cue waking up in a panic attack, which has never happened in my life like that.
Honestly it’s scary how my normally active body has rebelled. My mind is a mess too. I don’t know how to get out of this and feel overwhelmed by everything. Wondering if I’m extra sensitive or if this is a normal reaction?? It is so hard to ask for help. I feel like I broke.
Bless all of you!
I hope that you are on the full mend and that you can find a way that works for you to stay out of the daily grind with your mom. MC will hopefully keep her from pulling on you so much.
You have great activities that you do. We were in a small town in Utah and they were having a chalk art contest for the kids of the community, it was amazing and the talent was mind blowing. I had never even heard of it before that but, what a great activity for all.
Six years ago my Dad got sepsis and went downhill quickly, Mom followed right behind. They went from fully functional, working full time, to dependent within months and it just got worse as time went on. I was never a full time caregiver but I supported and helped them in the ways I was able. Our family dynamics are enmeshed and highly dysfunctional. I won't go into all that either, but trying to be helpful AND stay healthy has been trying and difficult.
One thing I will suggest is not to compare yourself to anyone else. I find comparing to be the kiss of death. If I'm not careful I will compare myself to people who are energetic, high achievers and who pride themselves on self sacrifice. I tend to absorb judgement and I can quickly judge myself for my limits, which is so toxic. These are things I need to work on every day. Do what you need to, to stay healthy, the heck with anyone else.
Dad passed last year and Mom is declining rapidly. I won't sugar coat, no matter what I do, the stress of dealing can be overwhelming. Over the past 6 years I have felt emotional numbness creep in, sometimes I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water, but I am functioning pretty well and that's a win for me. I set my boundaries, take my meds, and see a therapist when I find myself loosing my battle of self care. I hope when Mom goes I will be able to work on healing.
Echoing what "GardenArtist" said in response to your comments, you are wise not to compare yourself to others. There is no point in doing it and nothing good comes from it. It just harms yourself while the person you are comparing yourself to has no idea that you feel that way about them or towards them. We are all unique with different temperaments, personalities and capabilities. It's best to just know yourself and do what you are able to do. The old saying goes "what works for one, may not work for another." There's no harm in trying something that is out of our comfort zone in order to stretch ourselves because we may find that we can do something we never thought we were capable of. But if it doesn't work out, then we need to put it behind us, say to ourselves "at least I tried" and move forward until we find what does work for us. We need to try and remember too that the possibilities can be endless and not give up to easily. That's why I've be one to say on the forum that we may take bits and pieces away from multiple people's ideas.
I agree with your statement - "do what you need to, to stay healthy, the heck with anyone else." There is only one "you" but don't think you need to feel alone in this - the majority of us have probably experienced the "emotional numbness" you mentioned. It's only natural when one is overwhelmed and a lot of us have felt the keeping our heads above the water feeling as well. That doesn't mean we're bad - we're human beings with a whole range of feelings that we can have over any given time and with the circumstances at hand.
Just know you matter and take baby steps when needed!
As I mentioned to "Martz06" on 10/13, our bodies were not made to have prolonged, high cortisol (a primary stress hormone) levels round the clock. As an only child and caregiver for my mom since my dad passed away in 2004 and especially when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 89, both my husband and I have suffered from PTSD from this situation alone and C-PTSD from other situations throughout life. After I moved my mom out of my childhood home since 1968 into an ALF, I was left to clear out her house that was filled with stuff by myself. My husband had to work but he did take off two weeks vacation time just to help go through my dad's office - it broke him too as he was very close to my dad. A couple of times a family friend came to help me go through clothing, tons of magazines and TV guides dated back to the 1960's. I only had a limited time too as I had to put the house on the market to have money to pay for her ALF rent. What I didn't finish by July, I had to rent the biggest storage unit available to put the rest of their stuff in - it's still there! The house sold on July 4th - the same day it went on the market.
A little over a month later, I started getting pain in my temples which I brushed off since it would come and go. A few weeks later, I had the pain all weekend and nothing I took helped. I called the doctor on Monday and he saw me that day, had me go downstairs to a lab to get bloodwork with a "rush" put on the results. He got them back while I was still there, had me go do a Vascular Surgeon in the same building and he also, sent me to get an MRI of the brain. By 6:00 p.m. the same day, I was scheduled for emergency surgery early the next morning to take out a piece of artery near the temple to have a biopsy done. I had two markers with elevated levels from the stress. He said I could die of a massive stroke or go permanently blind - I went into panic and shock mode - I was only 52 and who would take care of my mom? The diagnosis for someone my age was highly unusual and off to specialists I went.
Two wanted me on steroids - I could not handle them at all! I was up all hours of the night, my husband had to sleep downstairs so he could go to work each day and then I developed panic attacks. The added stress caused me to develop something I never heard of "Burning Mouth Syndrome" - it was like my whole insides were on fire - from the stomach up to my chest, esophagus, throat, mouth, lips and inside my nostrils - I couldn't get any relief. Because I thought it was my acid reflux, I went and had a scope down the throat and the surgeon was shocked based on my symptoms because he found nothing. He expected to see "something!"
I was desperate and asked isn't there anything else you can do for me? I was offered something that was somewhat experimental for this diagnosis - a low dose of a cancer drug. I was willing to try it and immediately switched to a new specialist. I'm still on it. We've seen the levels improve for awhile and then go up again. He knows the severe stress I'm under with my mom and doesn't want to take the risk of taking me off the medication so I've been on it for the last five years.
With all that my mom was going through, I never, ever was able to "process" what was happening to me. I just had to handle all the things my mom needed. It was a very scary time for both my husband and I. And as you can see from all the responses you've received thus far, everybody experiences different things and in varying degrees.
Lesson is - ALWAYS listen to your body because it's the one thing that will tell you something isn't right and then you need to act on it as soon as possible. Don't ignore any of the signals or warnings - they're built in for a reason!
Being outside helps too. Nature is so soothing.
Taking care of her is not worth your life, and it sounds to me like you're at the end of your rope here. It is obvious from what you've said that your mother pretty much sees herself as the center of your universe. Put it to her like this. Ask her what she thinks would become of her if you dropped dead. Who would take care of her then? Give her the ultimatum that either she learns to work with other caregivers or she will be going into a nursing home because you can't care for her anymore and let that be the end of it. Don't take all of her calls every time. You don't have to. Don't let her control you like you're a little kid. And most importantly of all, please don't let her put you on a guilt trip about it.
If your body needs to rest,,,, let your body rest.
ya,, just stick one foot in front of the other.. and keep doing that... you might get used to that norm...
my dr. asked me one day...'WHAT CHANGED" he saw a change in me.. yuup.
got my mom and aunt in one facility.. now it's just a one stop drop. that took a lot of stress off me.... until the administrator separated them for some selfish reason.. oh, ya,,, the lady in the other room had to have her tv on 24/7.. and my mom couldn't complain... she couldnt talk... NOW I REMEMBER.
simplu put that bed was not as easy to rent out due to that alien who had to blast the tv on all night long.
well, it was less stressful with 2 people in the same faclitly-6-pack, board n care, etc...
hide your cell phone for a few days... or put her on text only... you do not need to accept every invitation you are given.
when she calls, just text her back, and apologize... yes apologize.. and tell her your phone was in another room, in the car, turned off, out of battery, under the couch cushion, muted,,, didn't see it... I was taking a walk, and left phone at home, :: you get it... You are control of your phone. do not pick it up every time it rings.. .mute it... If it important, they can leave a message.. .Just make sure you clear your voice mails every once in a while...
It is okay not to be 24/7 24 hours a day connected to a phone.. seriously.
Fyi covid negative, though seriously I have my doubts. It’s been a beast with such random symptoms.
I’m on the mend, but very slowly. I just can’t handle what I used to and have to make further changes. A lot of that will involve not talking to my mother every day. THANK YOU GUYS for everything!!!
Blessings!