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I waver between believing desperately in a force for Good and Kindness and Parity in this world and total Atheism.
Those who are "legitimately/ specifically" religious DO NOT READ FURTHER!
GOD is NOT easing my burdens, making a place for me at "HIS TABLE" I have no use for be-jeweled crowns, or arranged seating charts by burdens and goodness.
No GOD is taking my part or my place, Jesus is not cleaning grandpas urinals, or wiping feces off the walls. Mohamed is not standing between me and grandpas disgusting leering glances. Buddha is no where when I twitch,stressed out trying to sleep. Yahweh, Jehovah, RA, Zeus and the Prophet Moroni are NOT walking my steps with me and doing the work or soothing the aches of mind and body. I have prayed, begged, hoped, wished, VISUALIZED, pay'd it forward, meditated on it, slept on it and yearned for years of nothing but the same BS. IF I believed in a GOD of endless, repetitious misery, I would be an enigma in that I would have actual proof "of".

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I am a person who says I will pray for you and actually does it. I also step up to the plate. Not to blow my own horn but just trying to stick up for the side of people who say they will pray for you. We are not all hypocrites.

But evil prevails when good men and women do nothing. I think if all the people in the world who profess to love God did their share this world would definitely not be the horrible place that it's becoming. If you walk by a homeless person, tell them you will pray for them and then keep going that's not right. I remember my Hubs and I were on vacation in London and this homeless guy was sitting there with this big, beautiful husky dog. I ran over to pat the dog and then suddenly realized that here I was patting his dog and completely ignoring him. So, I went over to him and patted him on the back and said I guess you need a pat some time too. He got tears in his eyes and said yes.

It says in the bible "what you do to the least of my brethren, you do to me"

Sorry for preaching but if I didn't stick up for the side of God, I couldn't call myself a believer.
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Jeanne and Jessie, you took the words right out of my mouth. And to top it off I get to deal with those who use this situation as an opportunity to push their religious beliefs on me as if there is something wrong with what I am doing. I have my own beliefs, thank you. I am so tired of these "friends" that offer words of prayer AND schedule visits only to not show up or call to cancel. If you are not here to help please step aside.
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I had this with the one sibling that still attends church regularly. (The rest of us don't - being forced to go to church or stay home with an abusive parent who was all too willing to "watch us" so he could be alone with us kind of soured us on the whole church experience.)

Aside from taking mom for an occasional ride, paying for her breakfast if we went out, or ONCE taking Mom to the doctor for me, there was no help, physical, emotional or financial. What I got from the one sibling was, "I'll pray for you." I wanted to scream back, "I don't WANT your prayers. What I NEED is your HELP!"

I put myself behind the 8 ball financially to take care of Mom, both at home and after she was in the nursing home. I paid almost a double share of her funeral bill, which was split 4 ways, because one sibling didn't/couldn't kick in more than $100 at the outset of the bill. So I paid almost a full double share on that. I bought Mom clothes, I took her on trips (only one of which was accompanied by a sibling who helped take care of mom on the trip - one diarrhea mess and I knew she wouldn't be helping again), took her to doctor appts, made sure she ate healthier (resulting in a 90 point drop in her cholesterol and weight loss over the course of a year), paid bills that she couldn't afford on her social security income, helped her pay off the 2nd mortgage on her home by making double payments with my own money, and far more.

And they want to pray for me.....and that's supposed to be enough. Sorry, but I'm not buying it.
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Wow--an old post, but still a relevant comment.
I have been through the wringer in my life (as have most of us) and have maintained a faith in God, Jesus, and the Atonement. Knowing our lives are but a brief moment in the eternal scheme of things helps me.
Also, if I say to someone, "I'm praying for you"...I also add, "and what can I DO for you". I believe God works through us. "Thoughts and prayers" are all well and good, but ACTION is what is needed.
I respect each person's right to believe/not believe. But I do remember once, when my hubby was dxed with Primary Liver Cancer due to HCV---people would say "why YOU?" and he'd reply "Why NOT me" It rains on the just and unjust alike.
I've cared for aging, sick parents for years on end. Cared for sick hubby after a liver transplant. Care for him now as he is only 65 and has no will to do anything, ever. I see 15-20 more years of just taking care of all the things, while he sleeps his life away. Is this fair? Absolutely not. Am I angry at God? Absolutely not. This is life. This is what we signed on for. I look for the gold in each and day and most of the time, I can find it.
My life has been no better nor worse than many others. It's NOT the life I chose, or would choose again, but it's the life I have and I am living it to the best of my ability. Without my faith, I too would wallow in despair.
(and BTW, I don't have the ability to "let go and let God"--I need to be in charge :) and I know I'm not.
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Jeanne, that is so true. "I am praying for you" is just something someone says to make themselves feel comfortable without having to do anything. Most likely they don't even include the people sincerely in their prayers. An offer to wash the car or the windows or to watch out for our LO while we take a break would be the answer to the prayers, but most don't want to be that involved.

It really did help me when my father was dying to put it in god's hands. It was giving myself permission to not to try to make him better and to just take things as they come. I've not been able to do this with my mother, because she is so mean and demanding. Maybe it is why she is still alive. God doesn't know what to do with her, either. :)
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I try very hard to take remarks in the spirit in which they are intended. I mentally translate "I'll pray for her," to "I wish her well," or "I don't know what to say to you." "Leave it God" I assume means, "Don't expect me to be involved, but I hope something miraculous happens."

Of course, "What do you need help with? I am free Sunday afternoon," does not need to be translated. It only needs to be accepted!
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Prayers do help - but prayers get answered often through the hands of human beings. God doesn't let us sit on our behinds doing nothing and expect miracles. My stepmom had an annoying old Lutheran pastor (man of course) who came to visit and would tell my stepmom to be more patient, pray more and she got out the Bible and read to him the section (in james??) where it criticizes those who wish some one well when they see them without a cloak or going hungry, but do nothing. Her point - he could help her more by asking members of the church to sit with dad a few hours so she could get a break, or pick up prescriptions / groceries and bring them in etc. Concrete help. Of course he took offense. (this is the same Lutheran pastor that chewed me out for not doing more than a weekend a month and i basically told him "bite me").

I have taken to telling people "of course i am praying for you, but i have two hours on Saturday - what is something specific i could do for you" and i find that i get specific answers and can do something - even small tasks - that make a difference. These helped my stepmom also when dad was still home. Running a few errands for someone housebound seems to always be a big help.

But just saying "give it up to Jesus" makes me want to give a swift kick.
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Just read through all the posts dating back 7yrs ago....

I think jsomebody is the perfect person to care for her nasty gramps!

Misery loves company
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Yes! To mikebeake!!!
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I get angry at God many times through this journey of parent care. I get tired of hearing that people are praying for me because I don't often see how it's helping. What my parent's actually need would take a miracle for them to get and while I firmly believe in miracles I also know God is not a magic genie just granting wishes as they are asked. My biggest frustration is not seeing it working. I have to slow way down and rely on my Savior to give me mental rest. Clarity. Comfort. Peace. Through reading Scripture and positive affirmations and listening to calm and peaceful music that I can "get lost" in. And trying to take a few minutes to find a hiding spot in a garden or in the woods to just listen to the nature around me sing. I find those small moments and I try to draw them out and remember them when the stressful moments have arisen. I try to find so many things to be thankful for. I try and remind myself I'm lucky my parents are still here and I can still spend time with them when I choose. Many are without their parents now and wish they could have them back. Yes. I feel resentful because I feel like God is not doing anything. I feel abandoned and alone many, many times. The situation feels hopeless. Am I being selfish when the thought crosses my mind that, "I'm doing all this just for them to die! God, why don't you just take them already? Why this long drawn out process. Why are you prolonging their suffering? What am I suppose to be learning from this????" And by the time all this is done I will have missed out on my childs life. And I will be old and beginning the journey of having to take care of myself and praying my children are not having to go through all this that I am going through. So many fears. But, I gain comfort and strength from the encouragement of others who have gone through it or who are actively going through it. That is how I know God is listening. Because when I cry out that I can't take anymore God always seems to bring someone who says just the right thing to bring my heart comfort and calmness and help me realize this will not last forever.
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Don't forget God gave us free will. A lot of what happens to us and to our loved ones isn't a gift or a punishment from God. It's just the natural course of things based on decisions we or our loved ones may have made in their past. Nowhere does it say in the bible that we will not suffer but it does say that if we ask God he will be there with us in our suffering. Yes, maybe that sounds like "Big deal, he'll hold my hand but I'll still have to suffer" But, I know that in some of the hardest situations in my life when I asked for God's comfort, he gave it to me.

A lot of people who curse God for a horrible thing that happened in their life, if they were to look back may realize that life is like a trickle down effect. Every action causes another reaction and so on and so on. For instance, if you were a person who let's say hated wearing their seatbelt and stubbornly refused to wear it and ended up in the intensive care ward cause you flew through the windshield of your car. Would you lay there and curse God for what he allowed to happen to you? Every time you said screw it, I'm not gonna wear this damned seatbelt. Is that suddenly God's fault that you ended up with a severe brain injury?

Bad things happen to good people all the time. That's life. This world isn't perfect, people aren't perfect. Yeah, life seems unfair sometimes. But I truly believe that everything will even out in the afterlife.

I do hesitate before I say "you are in my prayers" cause I know that rubs some people the wrong way but I will still pray for them.
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I just tell them.....

Yeah..I've got priest on my family.....so I'm covered. Save any prayers for someone else.
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I'm with you, Riley!
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For those who believe in God and that only he can take you home - that is fine. For those who don't believe in that belief, I feel you have the right to decide what to do with your own body when the time comes that you no longer want to be here for valid reasons. It is fine when people want to pray for you but ultimately I believe we are each responsible for our OWN body and soul. I believe in humane euthanasia provided the decisions were made after being fully understood and when the patient was in a perfectly sane state of mind.
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One thing I cannot understand is when something goes wonderful for people...like having great children, money, good health, etc. they say they are blessed with these things. Does that mean that God practices favoritism with some and not others? The opposite of being blessed is being cursed with something. Why would a loving God curse people with no children, bad health, poverty, etc? This is something I will never understand and when I hear someone is blessed with something I think the word "favoritism". I have sadly felt through my ordeal with care giving that I am cursed and yet criminals and bad people are blessed with freedom to commit crimes and hurt others and not having to deal with the worst physical problems of an ageing parent who does not deserve to suffer. Perhaps I am blessed to see what pain, suffering, and resultant anger and depression in me are really like? I just don't get this talk about being blessed.
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Vstefans, thanks for rooting for me. This forum has been a greater comfort to me than the people in my life. Why? Because, like I have posted, if you have not been through caring for an aging parent who is a horrible person, sick or not sick, you will never be able to emphasize. There are people just like me here. I'm grateful.
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mylifematters,

ordeals do end. Seventeen years is a looong ordeal, but it will end.

And maybe, just maybe, you are not called to have zero purpose in life besides caring for a thankless, loveless individual who happened to be your mom. Misery surely was not meant to be your permanent lot in this world or the next! If you are sure that it is your real calling and no one else could possibly help with it, I pray for your endurance and your (understandably!) flagging spirits to lift despite it all.
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I've prayed the decades of the rosary hundreds of times per night for God, the Blessed Mother to relieve me of my mother, the cross I can no longer bear, to no avail. She keeps on living in misery. Why? I have lost my religion in watching other people get the relief they need in their parent dying. I have been taking care of my mother over 17 years through all of her miseries, she doesn't die. Why? I believe now that he keeps me alive to care for her. That is my only purpose, and it is hard to accept that he has chosen for me to give up my life for another, who never loved me. I have met and been around many people that have never had to endure what I have had to endure. I will never understand why. Prayer isn't working for me. I feel for all of us, we are the forgotten.
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I'm in a similar situation. My mother whom I took care of for several years recently passed away, an my father suffered a stroke soon after her death. I never liked him because he was an still is very mean an abusive to his wife an children. My brothers or my sister want nothing to do with him, so I am left to take care of him by myself. He pretends not to be able to do any thing for himself but when no one is looking he pulls off his pants an his diapers. Everyone keeps telling me that someday I'll get my blessings, but what I need is help. He cries Oh Lord over an over all day an night, but always denies that he is in pain or distress. I can't afford to put him in a nursing home. so I take it one hour at atime an I do believe that there is a higer power that helps me to make it through each day
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That and between whom. I started this post and it caused a lot of controversy, but religion for all it's aspects of social control and condemnation is very personnel what works for some does not for another and I think most feel if you disagree with them personally it is your loss...Does it matter? I guess ultimately it does, but on a very individual basis...

One thing that annoys me is the assumption that when one talks about religion one means always Christianity. I am not a Christian though I was raised one. I feel like when I am told Jesus saves, shops ans saves what would Jesus do the people expressing this opinion are so deep into there concept of God and Religion they have no idea how much harm they could be doing another whom may have equally strong faith and even conservative values but not the same religious bent...

Here's one: Do the people who believe in prayers in school feel it would be OK for Muslim children to stop, take out a rug and pray to ALLAH at various points during their day? Or is it really the blindsided sense of obstruction and judgment and denial of Their own personal brand of religion, Christianity, (The mainspring for many, the sense of being persecuted wrongly) that they feel should be the guide here?

For being told to give it up to God..well it just doesn't work for me as me post stated...I have prayed and I figure either it is total horse shit or God hates me because when I pray things actually get worse..And as for God never gives us more than we can handle, murdered children, suicides, and mental illness look an awful lot like too much to handle to me..

I would like GOD to be a refuge because man is so weak and petty and biased, but it just doesn't work for me. Though I can imagine the contentment and sustenance and strength the such Grace gives to those it does help...I fell sort of insulted to be told something is so easy and just let it go because it works for them while it does nothing for me...but what else is there...we know what we know...and judge things by our own experiences and beliefs. It would be hard to do anything else.

I said I was sorry if my post hurt anyone as we are already under enough burdens, but not discussing this is not for me and for those who would rather not, there is the end notification button at the bottom of these posts.

Thank you all for your input.
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Give it up to God to me says I dont know the answer and I'm praying for you says "how dare you say that, I totally disagree and since I cannot change your mind then I hope that God will not (or maybe will) smite you. I guess it depends on where those 2 sayings are used.
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One more thing that "grates" on me is the inability here to edit typos when you made a proofreading error!
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First of all, I'm amazed to see anyone challenge the taboo on questionng religion.

After all, the FAQ here states: "Don’t discuss controversial topics – such as religion or politics – that might anger other caregivers."

Now, since 99% of the participants here are probably Christians, what that effectively means is people can say whatever comforting pro-religious thing they want, eg: "I can see that God is already starting to punish my deadbeat sibs", and that's fine, but questioning something as obviously false as "God never gives us more than we can handle" would brand you as a troublemaker. So, if you would like discuss caregiving in a serious analytical and objective way - without all the dubious religious assertions - you are pretty much SOL.

However, one thing that really greats on me is, "I'm praying for you". I read somewhere that what that actually means is that NOTHING will be done about it, and, in my experience that is true.

So I agree with the OP that "Give it up to God" and "I'm praying for you" usually translates to an unspoken "Stop bothering me with your problems - I am not gonna help in any way, including listening any longer."
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Hello Sir, I hear your point. Let me say that first God is love. That does not mean that we will not have to endure hard times. The world is full of sin which is the one thing God does not love. If you prayed to God like you said please understand that while you were praying, God was reading your heart. We have to honor our mother and father so OUR days will be long in the land that the Lord thy God givith thee. God does love you. He gave you the strength to take care of those who cannot help themselves. My grandmother is 85 years old and cannot do anything for herself. Even with several kids it is hard to clean her, feed her and pretty much everything else you mention as well. But God gives us the strength to do it. One sure thing in life is death. This world will past and so will your burdens. But you cannot lose faith are hope because of your situation. God never said he will do your job are task etc! But he promise he will never leave you are forsake you. Don't insult God by putting false gods on the same level as him. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life no man cometh to God but through him. I dare to humble yourself when your are alone a try your pray again. This time have faith and tell God how you feel and what you need to help. If you truly have faith God will make a way for you to get the help you need. Remember as real as the devil is so is GOD!
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Cancel the notification this vent is staying on topic.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
-- (Epicurus)
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I'm ready to move on to a different topic - this has gone on too long and there are other people who need to vent.
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Truly. Let it alone. It doesn't HELP anyone!
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How about not burning either one? How is this group going to feel when their Bible is burned? Or someone gets killed in retaliation? Fanatics from any religion are dangerous. I think it's stupid this group would even consider such a move.
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So some morons are going to burn the Qu'ran on September 11th, in "honor" of those who died...Are they gonna burn The Bible too, Muslims consider that Holy Scripture...
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Bah, why the hell not, it is my thread and it ain't gone yet.
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