I wonder if anyone else has experienced this. I believe it may be a phenomenon that happens often. A year ago my career was great, and had been for many years. I lived a very good life. I had a great relationship with my brother, like since we were children. My father was about like he used to be, but you could see he would need assistance in the near future. Today? My career is in ruins. My relationship with my brother is over. My father, while has 24/7 excellent care and is ok, is getting frailer. It seems to go back and forth day to day and week to week. One day he's hitting golf balls, the next day he's in bed.

The only thing I have going for me right now is that I am still middle age and will be for years to come. Has anyone experienced this? When everything comes crashing down in conjunction with a parents decline? It's almost like life is saying to me "This is the time when your whole life is going to change. It will be nothing like it was before."

I'm ok with that and even look forward to it but holy cow! This is really bad. I mean like nothing I had ever imagined. Does anyone think it will eventually get better and I'll even have a better life than I did in my "glory days"?

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Hi Lisa! Just about right on schedule for the latest saga as "Trevor Turns"!

Please get the mental help that you need...for you. Honestly. we cannot help you, this has been going on for a year or more.

We post the same responses and you do not make any changes to help yourself.

There are many mental help forums out there, maybe one can convince you to get the help you desperately need.
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Yes, it happens. In your situation you were there for Dad for a number of years. Not sure how it came about Dad moved near brother. Dads idea? But I think it was brother's. Brother quickly found Dad needed lots of care and brother had to pay for it. Dad said "Lisa come here to live" And you jumped. Now this is just my thought may not have happened this way but you have written enough I think I am close.

You move in with Dad and start caring for him like you did for a longtime when you had more influence over him. He listened to you then. But now brother is the one Dad trusts and assigns POA. And then you need to make your little comments and I bet some were about the aides and the care Dad was getting from them. So brother said "well if you want the ability to oversee them, you can pay for them" and that becomes one of your posts. Then brother made an appt for you to sign a contract with the agency. I think Dad asked u to come because he was lonely and needed someone there to be the cook, laundress and cleaning lady. You pick at everything. Its like you sit there trying to find something to complain about.

You found out early on that your opinion was not appreciated. I can see where brother gets frustrated. He is supporting your father and then has to hear your stuff. (Saying that nicely) Your brother has POA. He is sort of in charge and you seem to fight him tooth and nail. Yes, when family can't work together, care giving falls apart. Your problem is you don't work well with ur family. If I were you, I would have gone back home and allowed brother take care of everything. After 8 yrs, I think that's what u said, of caring for ur father, you should have been happy brother took over and enjoyed ur life. But no, you fought every decision he wanted to make for Dads quality of life. You could have visited every so often, but u want that control. So, you are the reason that everything has come crashing down. And this is why this type of thing happens in other families because they can't work together. Someone always wants control.

I think you life would be better if you went home.
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I think many people have told you this before and I think many will again.

You should really go into therapy. It will help you. I remember your past posts from this forum and I'm going to ask you plainly.

What career? You never actually say what your great career is? CIA? MI-5? Who knows? In posts gone by you were telling us all about your brother and your father and how they both abused you. Also that you would be homeless if you weren't your father's care slave.

You speak with the people in this group like you are so much smarter and above everyone. Then will knit-pick every good person who reaches out to you with good advice and support.

Really, you need help and therapy.
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Just for myself, my life did not go downhill as my parents' health declined. I was in my 50s and my career was going just fine; I had college and teenage
kids and was busy. I was sad of course, but was not so enmeshed with my parents that their decline and death caused me to decline in my own life. However, I only had caregiver responsibilities during the last few months of my mother's life and I think if I'd had to sacrifice myself for long-term caregiving it could have been quite different. Your situation, Lisa, seems to be very different. Although you do not now have direct caregiving burdens, from this and many other earlier posts you seem to be very enmeshed with your father and your brother and that this is having an inordinate and unhealthy impact on you. It appears as though you do not currently have a meaningful social circle, meaningful activities, or work that gives your life structure and purpose. You imply that you had all these before. You often post here looking for affirmation, commentary, etc. , but you say you aren't asking people on the forum to make suggestions for you to make your life better. I won't add to what others have suggested, many, many times. Do you just want people to agree with you and say that yes indeed their lives and careers have gone downhill because of a parents' decline and that you aren't alone? Even asking this, you may have some inclination that your reaction is not "normal."
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I don't understand how having your father in 24/7 care and not being a daily CG to him can cause you so much stress. Not being judgmental, just wondering.

Did you think he would live forever in a state of great health and activity?

My Dh had to retire earlier than he wanted to, to take care of his mom in her home. He has hated every second of it. THAT kind of situation burns you out. If she were in a NH, where she belongs, we would have a MUCH better life than we currently have.

Nothing I can do. I'm not involved, but boy, am I affected!!

AS far as glory days? What heck would those even look like? Life is hard for EVERYBODY. And we get old. And we hurt. And we don't get the 'happy ending' that we think we deserve.

Watching my MIL fade away so slowly--it's affected us, but once she's passed, we'll rally and move on.

Sounds like you could really use some talk therapy to help you with the emotions that seem to be holding you back.
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Thank you to everyone who answered my post. I was simply asking if this is a type of phenomenon that anyone else has experienced; I wasn't asking if I can change things, In fact I indicated that my life had been great forever, really - up until my father started declining.

I agree everyone has the power to change their life situation for the better but I have discovered that certain conditions can make it very difficult to do so, at least for a period of time.
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Lisa, get help would be my suggestion.

You are a grownup now.

I recommend you listen to Dr. Laura's podcast Call of the Day. You really need to take responsibility for yourself now. This Forum cannot help you with that.
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Why do I seriously doubt that you actually ever had any "glory days" lisatrevor?
Could it be because you always have nothing but negative things to share with the good folks on here?
All I will say is that you get out of life what you give to it. And with you finding fault with everything and everyone, I'm sure your life isn't all it should be.
Perhaps you should try volunteering at a homeless shelter, soup kitchen, or any charitable organization of your choice where you can step outside of yourself and actually start thinking about someone other than yourself.
I believe it would do you a world of good.
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lealonnie1 Oct 18, 2023
Or in a children's hospital cancer ward to see what REAL problems look like
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Am I the only one who feels like this has been going on for over a year? Lisa only you can change things. You have been given tons of great advice , and it mostly comes down to only YOU can change your life. Please look back on your many older posts, lots of great advice there. Dad is getting older and frailer, and you seem to have lost your direction in life, while blaming Bro and SIL for trying to step up, Please take care of yourself
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Why is yr career in ruins and why us yr relationship with yr brother over. Does yr father live independently
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