I am the primary caretaker of my 86 YO mother for almost two years now. I have help daily from an agency and my family. I sleep at my mother's apartment each night as she cannot be alone due to a stroke. My two daughters have always helped out with her care and my mom comes to my house nightly for dinner etc. A few times when I’ve run out at night and left Mom at my house with my daughters and husband she will constantly ask when I’m coming home. Last night I was at dinner with a friend and mom repeatedly asked my husband and daughters where I was over and over and even when mom was told I was on my way she kept asking. My husband and children are very good to my mom and extremely patient. More than me really but I don’t get it. When hired help is with her she doesn’t do this although she knows the exact time I will be back. Once I got home last night she kept apologizing. It’s strange to me but is this normal behavior? Mom and I have many conversations about me needing ‘me time’ and she is always in agreement. I should also add she does this if she’s at her apartment and my girls are there caring for her. Yet she says to me all the time that she likes when they care for her. How should I handle the next time I go out? Was thinking of talking with her before hand but wanted to see if anyone had any other suggestions? I’ve gotten so much info on this forum from just reading!
If you go out with friends can you tell her that you will be back by...and give her a time? That way she knows you will return. If you leave and do not say when you will be back maybe she thinks you do not plan on returning and since you are what appears to be her "safe person" she gets nervous/anxious thinking you might not come back.
Also, if she has dementia, she could not remember and rose's why she keeps asking where you are to your husband and daughters as she doesn't remember what they said.
Juse like a child, let her know that you will check on her and say good night once you get back.
She has a connection with with me that she is worried I won’t be home, ever. Her husband passed two years ago. I feel she is having abandonment problems.
She always is telling me go it’s ok.
her son is with her but she has quite the connection with me so I don’t go out much.
Have you heard of a Time Timer? It’s a countdown timer that is silent - there’s no loud dinging when time is up. They are commonly used in schools with students for knowing when something is going to happen next. While she gets used to it, your family can keep pointing to the timer every time she asks when you’re going to be back. It’s a great way to visually illustrate how much time is left.
Might be worth a try.
https://www.amazon.com/Time-Timer-Home-MOD-Homeschool/dp/B08K9GFDMP/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=Time+timer&qid=1633025654&sr=8-3
I would suggest, if Mom can afford it, an Assisted Living. The earlier you get some one placed the sooner they except it as their home. You daughters are not always going to be around to help. They need lives of there own. And as much as DH is a good patient man, he needs his wife.
https://www.anthemmemorycare.com/blog/what-is-shadowing-can-you-minimize-it
thats a great link. I hope others check it out.