This seems like the only option left at this point and I feel bad about even considering it, but Mom can no longer be left alone for any length of time. She's fallen a few times, but not enough to warrant a hospital visit. We tried again having a caregiver come to the house when we would be away, but she refuses to answer the door even though we have tried to explain what is going on. We also tried having the caregiver come while we are home, however she will just go in her room until she leaves. Her Dr. has been of no help since her last visit and actually suggested she be seen by the nurse practitioner next time she comes. COVID doesn't help the situation, as it just makes things so much more difficult which we get but cannot continue on like this. TIA
Best of luck, don't give up. Take Care.
Remind her of previous falls and how she could end up permanently in bed if she injured herself and no one was there in the home when it happened.
If she handles this conversation with agreement, then test it out. Tell her caregiver is coming and you will be out of the house. Drive around the corner and wait. Caregiver can call you to let you know if mom opened the door or not. You can return immediately and open the door to have another conversation with mom.
You can also test out her willingness to meet the caretaker who comes while you're there. Or enter her room and introduce her to the caretaker. Perhaps do it around lunch time and force her hand a little by making her come out to each lunch with you and the caretaker. Actually even if she stays in her room, who cares. Tell caretaker to go on in and do what needs to be done (and to wear her thick hide in case mom says anything rude!)
Do you have a neighbor to leave a key with? Otherwise check into one of those key lock boxes like real estate agents use, changing the code as needed.
To do an ER dump, she needs a reason to be at the ER. If you're serious about it, then if she gets sick or falls again, take her. It would need to be something that would get her admitted so you could have the 'time for a facility' conversation with her doctor and/or the social worker at the hospital. If she's not sick enough to stay at hospital, they could even call a cab to send her back to your house.
She started out at 4 hours a day. Now years later she is up to 9 hr. Same lady. It needs to be someone that will interact and be kind and personal. And respectful. As my dad’s dementia has increased I had to tell him that the caretakers were my friends and that they were there so he would not be alone. If possible you may want to let your mom meet one or two of the caretakers and let her pick who she wants. Hopefully someone that has something in common with her that they can talk about. Some just want to play on their phones.
Where is the help?
Yes, I hear and agree with you. What I am saying is, someone has a job to do.
There is a system out there that is suppose to provide help placing our loved into a facility. If the system was put into work the way it is designed to, there would be no need for a "ER Dump."
Hence, I know all about this dumping. "The system" dumped my family member on Christmas Eve and again last week to the ER.
Our help is not helping us.
I hear you.
How about APS, Social Workers, Ombudsmans, Guardians, etc.?
My grandmother's son lived with her and APS was so fast to come into her home and tell my dad she could not live there any longer. My dad took her into our home for as long as he could.
However, where was APS when my dad contacted them when he could no longer care for her and the nursing facility was refusing to accept her?
Where were the professionals when my BIL got kicked out of a Memory Care Unit on Christmas Eve and dumped to a hospital? He was only there 30 days? When I contacted the Ombudsman, I was told what the facility was doing was "illegal." However, the Ombudsman changed his story to fit the Administrator so there would be no work for him.
My BIL spent 8 months in the hospital before he was placed into another facility. The doctors did an amazing job with him.
What was the APS, SW, Ombudsman, Guardian doing when they sent my BIL to a 1 star Memory Care Unit just a month ago to only get dumped to a hospital again? To tell me he "He was not aggressive" but to be dishonest when discharging him to the hospital and state "he was aggressive."
So, we do have a system for this but it is not being enforced. Most of them are lazy and don't care.
On a side note, APS will NOT help at all if the person is COMPETENT. Been there, done that.