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I deleted my previous profile, but I'm back. Some may recall, my dad passed at my parents home July 14th hours after his 2nd chemo treatment. My mom refuses to take steps to stay at her house.



She is very broken, I see it. I personally feel she has to take steps to be at her house. I've given up on asking her to stay a night or 2 there with my brother or husband and now simply suggest going home a few hours to do something. Her response is "what for!" I told her because she has too and she states, "no, not really the house is fine."



Without listing every conversation and ways I've tried to help, she is just blinded by it all and in complete fear of being alone. She has never been alone.



Anyone else have parent move in following other parents death?



I personally feel she is making this situation much more complicated than needed.



Do not get me wrong, my mom has been everything to everyone her whole life. She is loving and caring and doesn't have any bad intentions. She truly is in fear of the life ahead.



Mom is seeing counselor.

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Your mother is 67 and self sufficient! She can live another THREE DECADES, so make sure you want her living in YOUR HOME for all that time before you invite her to move in with you. Because it will take an act of God to get her OUT once you move her IN. Trust me on that. I've been here since 2015 reading and responding to these posts, and I can tell you without a doubt in the world that it's VERY difficult to get an elder to move out of your home once they've been invited in. You'll need to formally evict her, perhaps, many many adult children find themselves in that EXACT position, having to hire an attorney to help them figure out the eviction process. #Truth

Your mother does not 'need' to horn in on YOUR life. You have two young children who need to be your primary focus in life, not a self sufficient and healthy YOUNG mother of 67. Multi generational living often affects the CHILDREN most of all, especially if/when resentment kicks in and arguments happen between the adults. The children get affected by this worst of all, I know.......I was a casualty of just such a situation myself. You yourself are very young at 41 to be saddled with a mother taking away your privacy 24/7. I am 65 years old and would NEVER think of moving in with either of my kids if my DH passed away (God forbid). That's the honest truth, too.

Grief is a terrible thing. But people move past it and on with their lives in time. Unless they are taken in by their daughter and then they don't HAVE to move on with their lives and find hobbies or join clubs or go on cruises or make friends. YOU will be her entertainment!

Get her set up in a senior Independent Living community apartment building where she can have a new life of her own. There will be plenty of widows there she can have a rapport with. When dad died, mom was 88 and living in AL; if it wasn't for that, I don't know HOW she would have survived, to be honest. She'd never done anything alone or w/o dad. But the ladies rallied around her and dragged her out of her room and down into the dining room, out to play cards, to the movies being shown in the library, to do crafts, out on the mini bus to the grocery store or wherever the bus was going, and so she went. And she got out of her own head and on with life, little by little. It wasn't even that she missed dad so much....it was that she'd never lived ALONE. And I wasn't inviting her to live with me, not after having that dreadful experience with my grandmother! No way. So AL saved everyone's life after dad died. Senior living will do the same for your mother IF you do not take her into your home. It's not out of 'meanness', it's out of forcing HER to create a new life for HERSELF.

Wishing you the best of luck.
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Tulipsx5 Jan 3, 2023
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I feel every word of what you shared 100%. You get it! That makes me feel better. I wish she felt the same. She has repeatedly asked why I can't just give her time, understanding and know that everyone griefs differently. I have told her I understand all that however that does not mean she avoids her house. I am not asking her to speed through her grief! It only prlongs the inevitable. She gets extremely sad that I am not understanding. She is an angel and does help when here but it's not the point! I want her to so badly understand that. I too see, the minute I open that door for her to live here, it's going to be permanent and I just can't go there! But I know, that is what she is waiting for.

It angers me so badly she for what I feel ... that she is complicating everything
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If this was my mom, I’d be telling her was decision time, time to move forward in some way, either living in her home or deciding to sell it and move elsewhere. If the home is overwhelming to her, perhaps it’s time for a new environment, perhaps downsizing to an apartment or senior oriented community. The longer this is delayed the less chance she will ever deal with her emotions. Has the home been cleaned of most of dad’s belongings such as clothing? That’s an important step in moving forward. Encourage her to attend a GriefShare group, there are many available and have been helpful to many. I’m sure she’s grieving and sad. But letting this continue will only grow into a bigger issue than you likely want
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Tulipsx5 Jan 3, 2023
I feel every word of what you shared 100%. You get it! That makes me feel better. I wish she felt the same. She has repeatedly asked why I can't just give her time, understanding and know that everyone griefs differently. I have told her I understand all that however that does not mean she avoids her house. I am not asking her to speed through her grief! It only prlongs the inevitable. She gets extremely sad that I am not understanding. She is an angel and does help when here but it's not the point! I want her to so badly understand that. I too see, the minute I open that door for her to live here, it's going to be permanent and I just can't go there! But I know, that is what she is waiting for.

It angers me so badly she for what I feel ... that she is complicating everything!
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When my sister died suddenly in California in 1999, my mother called me distraught and asked “Can I come live with you?” I hesitated and then (thankfully) said: “we will find you a place back here (Pennsylvania) CLOSE to us.”

We did find a place and she lived twenty years independently, six years assisted in her condo with our daily support and two years memory care with my daily support and finally 35 days in skilled nursing after breaking her hip. She passed at 100 yrs and 35 days.

Close to us. Repeat it till it comes naturally to your lips.
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Would your mom fit in with an active Assisted or Independent Living Community?
She would have others around her, she can remain active as much as she wants but she can have her "quiet" time when she wants.
For her to move in with you is a big step.
the questions you need to ask is
Do you want to be her caregiver in the maybe near future?
Is your house able to be set up for someone that uses a walker?, a wheelchair?, is there a shower that can easily be used?, stairs?, I could go on but you get the idea.
If you do not want mom moving in then you need to set boundaries ASAP and stick to them. She may not like it but you have to adhere to boundaries you set.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Good Morning,

This is so difficult. The marriage of previous generations seem to have a deeper bond and it's so hard if they marry young and spend a lifetime together.

This is probably the hardest thing your mother has had to do. My own humble opinion, any woman in a house alone at night is never a good idea.

Once your loved one passes, it's never the same. For safety reasons, isolation/socialization I am a firm believer in in-law apartments, senior housing, studio apartments and joining a senior citizens group.

When my grandmother moved into our family home, when you just "took people in" as was the standard in the 1970's my mother bought 2 dozen of donuts and had my grandmother start a senior citizen group. 350 people showed up in the Church hall. "Nana" nominated herself President. My mother had wisdom.

I know not everyone can do this but do you see my point. My grandmother lived on a small pension. My mother picked up on it that Nana's quality of life would be better with us. When she moved into our home she would remark, "everyday is like Christmas"!
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Tulip had another thread going she deleted. Her Mom is 67 and very capable of taking care of herself. She asked Tulip for 6 months, its 6 months. I don't think there is any friction, Tulip is just not comfortable having Mom there 24/7.

When she first posted, before the holidays, I suggested that Mom go home during the days and pick her up for dinner and allow her to stay there. Then work into sleeping in the house on weekends. IMO is learning to be alone is part of the grieving process. It gives you the ability to cry it all out and scream when she wants to. By staying in Tulips house, she is not allowing herself to really grieve.

I don't see why Tulip needs therapy, I understand fully how she feels. Her mother needs the therapy to learn that she cannot lean on her daughter forever. That she need to move forward. Her husband died in their home, one reason why she does not want to go back. Maybe the house should be sold. It may be therapeutic to clean out the old life and start a new one.

Mom says Tulip just does not understand. Understanding is a 2 way street. Mom needs to understand, too, that her living there is causing Tulip some anxiety. Growing up I was very close to my Mom. To the point when she told me to get the whatchamacallit I knew what she was talking about. Mom had some surgery and she stayed with me for about two weeks. It was no longer how it was when I lived with her. I was now an adult used to doing things my way. I had raised 2 kids and kept a home. We didn't communicate the same way. It was more like having a visitor. Hard to discribe but I think she was just as glad to get home as I was her going.
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Also, mom is 67, self sufficient.

I am 41, kids 13 and 11.
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My Dad moved in with my husband and me after Mum died four years ago. He coped for a year but started doing silly things and had to give up his
drivers license, started burying large amounts of money in the back yard, which luckily we found. My brother took over as his POA. Both he and my sister didn’t want to care for him, all they want is their inheritance when he dies, so they refuse to discuss putting him into care. He’s 87 with moderate dementia.
Do I regret having him with us? Yes for selfish reasons as I would like my life back. Apart from my sister making me feel bad for my decision, there’s always someone on this forum happy to make me feel bad about taking him into our home and life. But I felt it was my duty to do so and I was left with little choice.
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Reply to Favegirl1
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Tulip, you can't change how SHE feels or acts.

You can only change your own behaviors.

Are you seeing a therapist?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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When my dad passed away , i had my mom move in with me. My parents have never been apart when my dad retired in 1974 (he was in the military traveled around the world ). My dad was my moms rock. Everything she did he was by her side. They were always together. They could not be without each other. At first I felt so guilty having her grieve alone in her house. She needed to be close to family while she grieved. She cried , she screamed she cursed ( never really heard her curse growing up or show much anger, she was always mellow , kept to herself , didn't like to make a stir. But when dad died, her world collapsed . it was difficult having her at the house , but i knew she needed me. So , what i did to keep her company , i hired a caregiver, to keep her company. she hesitated at first , but has the days , weeks months passed she began to love her company. she became alive during the day because she was busy and took her mind off thinking about my dad. she cried at night , but i know it will take years or matter of fact may not even recover over the loneliness of dad not being around. but one thing i can tell , when she passed , she said the only thing that kept her going was seeing her grand kids everyday. that was her purpose to enjoy her last years with her grand kids. she thanked me for taking her in knowing that there could never be 2 Queens in one household ( she knew i let her get away , with stuff ) I learned to adjust ( it was difficult believe me) lots of tongue biting, screaming with pillow over my mouth , i even took up kick boxing to release anger and it helped. I asked myself , if mom died today, would i have regrets ? would i be questioning myself " did i do enough" to not make her feel alone?? and now she is gone , i can proudly say, i was there by her side till her last breath. Don't let it be or see it has a burden to have your mom move in with you. Let it be a blessing . You are lucky you still have your mom. That is all I ever tell my friends. SO enjoy her while she is still here.
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Andthenwhat Jan 12, 2023
Hi UrEarthAngel,

You wrote, "Don't let it be or see it has a burden to have your mom move in with you. Let it be a blessing . You are lucky you still have your mom. " Can I ask, how long did she live with you? Was she ever bedridden, total care? Or was she able to engage with the family?

I have had people speak of the blessing of still having your mom, but I want to also see it as a blessing not to have to stop my life to provide total care to a mother who can do more. I have to be honest with myself, it is a blessing and curse all in one. I am just physically and mentally tired. I feel lost.

Thanks for the encouragement.
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